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Return of the Son of the Dudes Who Don’t Wipe Their Asses Because They Think it’s Gay

Ewwwww

By David Futrelle

We’ve met them before, these mysterious and stinky straight men, who refuse to wipe or wash their asses because they’re afraid that doing so is somehow gay.

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Lesbians! You need to get the D at least sometimes if you want clear skin, explains dude who couldn’t possibly have an ulterior motive

That could be really bad for your health, according to science I definitely didn’t just pull out of my ass

By David Futrelle

Here’s a little public pubic service announcement for all lesbians, as offered by a very public pubic-spirited fellow who couldn’t possibly have an ulterior motive or anything but who nonetheless might be available to assist any lesbians who wish to act upon the important information he is conveying.

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A billionaire died during penis enlargement surgery, and incels are taking it hard

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By David Futrelle

A billionaire diamond trader has reportedly died of a heart attack during penis enlargement surgery at a Paris clinic. 65-year-old Ehud Arye Laniado apparently gave up the ghost after an unknown substance was injected into his dick, which would probably be my reaction, too.

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Where all the dicks are below average: Incels break new ground in penis math

Does he have Biggus Dickus Energy?

By David Futrelle

The incel community is the only place I know of where having a small dick gives you bragging rights. Amongst the so-called involuntary celibate, dudes can gain a certain backwards prestige by presenting themselves as the most hopeless of the bunch, the kind of guy that’s the least likely to ever score with a human female.

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Fragile masculinity: Men’s Rights Activists outraged by research suggesting male Trump voters are worried about their dicks

He’s a White House truck drivin’ man: Donald Trump is TOTALLY secure in his masculinity

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By David Futrelle

The Washington Post caused a bit of a stir on the internet today with an article by two academic researchers offering some rather intriguing evidence suggesting that many men turn to Trump because his blustery assertions of manhood help to reassure them about their own masculinity.

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Malebag: “Women s–k d–k because d–k built and maintained all upon the earth.”

Speedy delivery!

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By David Futrelle

With another month-long-week coming to a close, I thought I would take a few moments to share with you some of the feedback I get from, well, let’s just say these guys aren’t exactly fans.

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The 12 worst MAGA Twitter reactions to Stormy Daniels’ claim that Donald Trump has a weird, small, mushroom-looking dick

Mario Kart’s Toad is not having a great day

By David Futrelle

Today was a truly dark day for those who would have preferred to go through life not ever knowing what Donald Trump’s dick looks like (alleged). In excerpts from Stormy Danies’ forthcoming memoir, the porn-actress-turned-producer described her alleged sexual encounter with our gross president in enough detail to ruin all of our breakfasts.

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Red Pillers: Stop looking to gorillas for dating advice. Embrace the banana slug instead

The Anglerfish: If you like Pina Coladas, and fusing with a much larger female and basically turning into a dangly appendage that provides her with sperm

By David Futrelle

Pickup artists and Men’s Rights Activists and other reactionary misogynists love to claim that their retrograde ideas about human “mating strategy” have been proven 100% awesome and correct by SCIENCE. By SCIENCE, of course, they generally mean a simplified version of evolutionary psychology based on “just so stories” about our human ancestors and assorted studies of animals that supposedly prove the eternal truth that alphas rule and betas drool.

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Why is it worse for women to cheat than for men? “Because Penis,” Redditor explains

Cloudy with a chance of … you don’t want to know

By David Futrelle

From the Unpopular Opinions subreddit, a rather ingenious explanation as to why it’s much, much worse for men (well, cis men) to cheat on (cis) women than it is for women to cheat on men:

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Penises and Pepsi bottles: MGTOWs continue to have trouble with metaphors

Wait … 25% more of what, exactly?

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By David Futrelle

So the fellows over on the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit are discussing just how much they TOTALLY REFUSE to have sex with women older than 25 — not to worry, fellas, women over 25 don’t want to have sex with you either — and one fellow resorts to an interesting if perhaps imperfect metaphor in order to explain why he at least hypothetically prefers fresh young 18-year-olds to jaded 25-year-old “cock carousel” riders.