UPDATED 7/10/19
Unmoderated or too-loosely moderated internet forums quickly become shitheaps, so we have a few rules here.
One thing to remember right off the bat: this is a feminist blog, designed (mostly) for a feminist audience. You don’t have to be a feminist to post here, but if you don’t think the world would be a better place without so much fascism and misogyny, you’re not going to fit in. You have a right to your opinions, but you don’t have a right to our attention.
First comments from new commenters – or old commenters changing their name – automatically go to moderation. Regardless of your politics, if you start off here with a jerky or tediously argumentative comment, or if you trigger some other red flag for me, your first comment will never see the light of day.
So what are the big no-nos?
You’re NOT welcome if you’re: a racist, a misogynist, an antisemite, a homophobe, a transphobe or TERF, a MAGA-hat-wearing Trump fan, a fat-phobe, an edgelord, an asshole, a bad-faith comment policy tester, or just a blathering dingus that no one wants to have to listen to. This list is not all-inclusive; I can ban you for being offensive and/or annoying in ways not specified here. Sending me long whiny emails afterwards won’t help your chances of being reinstated.
Some things to avoid: slurs (c*nt, tr*nny, etc; keep in mind that TERF is not a slur); piling on; blaming someone’s bad ideas and/or behavior on mental illness or other medical conditions (though it’s ok to mention mental illness if it’s relevant); disrespect towards working-class or poor people, old people, young people, disabled people, people with mental illnesses, people literally or figuratively living in their mom’s basement. Don’t attack people based on their physical appearance.
No threats or violent comments. That includes telling someone to “die in a fire” or remarking that so-and-so would probably be better off dead. No calls for violent revolution or political assassination or any of that bullshit.
No gratuitously nasty personal attacks. Yes, discussions can sometimes get a bit contentious. You’re not required to be perfectly nice all the time. Just don’t be a total asshole.
No doxxing or posting of personal identifying information. Don’t spread rumors or speculate without evidence on the possible criminal activity of anyone else. Don’t use this site to organize harassment of anyone.
No rape apologism, pedo apologism, victim blaming, and so forth. No slut-shaming; no virgin-shaming. (Suggesting that people with terrible ideas about women might have trouble getting dates is fine, however; it’s also true.)
Don’t misgender anyone. If you do it accidentally, apologize and get it right the next time. If you do it deliberately, you’re out.
Don’t attack anyone for their sexual preferences or kinks, so long as they involve consenting adults. Refrain from weird or creepy sexual oversharing. Whatever your opinion of sex work, don’t disparage sex workers, or use words like “whore” as a pejorative. (Feel free to talk about MRAs who are using the word pejoratively.)
Don’t attack people for their religion or their lack of religion.
Don’t be a mansplainer or indeed any kind of ‘splainer. That is, don’t lecture anyone on something they know better than you, particularly if that thing is their lived experience.
Don’t post too much or try to make threads all about you. Try to avoid drama.
Avoid giving unsolicited advice, particularly on medical or weight issues.
No sockpuppeting. No lying. No misrepresentation of yourself or other people. No posting in bad faith – e.g. posting friendly comments here while trashing the site and/or the people on it elsewhere.
Sometimes I do let trolls and MAGA-heads and MRAs through, but only if I think they might be kind of fun for the regular commenters to bat around for a while. I will ban them if they become more offensive/annoying than entertaining.
If someone is violating these rules or being a huge asshole in ways I haven’t specified, don’t just drop a note in the comments, SEND ME AN EMAIL at dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
That’s basically it. If you’re concerned that the rules seem too strict, please read on:
Regardless of all the rules, you don’t have to be perfect to comment here. As sociologist Katherine Cross (@Quinnae_Moon) has noted, very few people arrive “fully formed to the world of activism, the perfect agents of change, somehow entirely cognizant of the ever shifting morass of rules and prescribed or proscribed words, phrases, argot, and thought.”
I want this blog to be open to all those who genuinely oppose misogyny and bigotry more generally, even those who may slip up from time to time.
Still, if you’re new here, or new to feminism, and the regulars here are telling you to avoid certain words, or pointing out something that you’re doing that’s problematic, don’t take it as a personal attack (unless it is couched as a personal attack, in which case email me). If they tell you to avoid particular language, uh, avoid using that language, and don’t explain that in your country calling a person a something-or-other is perfectly fine.
You don’t have to agree with all the rules and/or cultural norms here; but while you’re commenting here you are expected to respect them. If you think a rule is really, really wrong or ridiculous, don’t argue about it in the comments; send me an email about it.
And this brings us to the issue of ableism, which has been a contentious one here.
NOTES ON “CRAZY”
Avoid “crazy” talk. That is, using words like “crazy,” “psycho” and the like to describe the terrible ideas and actions of people you don’t like. It’s stigmatizing to those dealing with mental illness, who really don’t need the extra indignity of being compared to MRAs. Try using words like “ridiculous” or “absurd” or “terrible” instead. Call someone an “asshole” instead of a “psycho.” Try to avoid internet diagnoses of mental illness, and don’t use autism or Aspergers as an excuse for someone’s shitty behavior.
Saying someone is “paranoid,” “delusional,” or “narcissistic” is fine, if you don’t mean it as a diagnosis; these are useful descriptive terms.
If there is evidence that someone you are discussing does indeed have a mental illness, and this is relevant to the discussion, it can be appropriate to bring this up, though you should keep in mind that a hunch is not evidence.
All this said, words like “crazy,” “psycho,” and the like are extremely common, and plenty of people (including feminists, progressives, and people dealing with mental illness themselves) use them casually without intending to stigmatize those with mental illnesses. There’s a difference between saying “crazy people should all be locked up” and “boy, Eraserhead sure was a crazy movie!”
If you’re someone who uses these terms casually, and doesn’t actually want all “crazy” people locked up, it doesn’t make you an evil person, but you need to refrain from doing it here. (Again, if you disagree with this policy, and feel a need to make this disagreement known, DO NOT ARGUE ABOUT IT IN THE COMMENTS, send me an email instead.)
If you are a regular commenter here, and someone uses a problematic term like “crazy” or “psycho,” remind them gently that this is not how we do things here, and send them a link to this comment policy (and possibly the Welcome Package as well). Unless what they have said is particularly egregious, do not insult them or question their motives.
If they argue, remind them that arguing about this rule is also not allowed. If they continue,do not argue back; send me or the mods a note and they will be banned. (This may take a little while, so be patient and please do not give in to the impulse to argue with them.)
If others have already reminded them of the rules, move on.
Again, if someone is acting really shitty in the comments, whether a troll or a regular, SEND ME AN EMAIL.
One other thing to keep in mind:
MRAs read this blog. So I would strongly urge you to comment here using an anonymous handle that cannot be traced to your real identity. And to be very careful about revealing any sort of personal information on this blog. If you inadvertently post something using the wrong account, or that otherwise reveals personal information, let the mods know so we can remove those comments.
Oh, wait, one other other thought:
Enjoy yourself!
To be quite honest, while I can’t respect Fogg much*, and while I don’t buy the equivalency with Elam**, I am uncomfortable with memes that make light of violence like #killallmen***, and i particularly hate the (not in any way limited to feminists) “die in a fire insult.”
*Anyone who treats people like Mike Buchanan with kid gloves and acts as though they’re worth having a discussion with in his comments section is not good people, and cannot claim the moral high ground. Please consider dealing only with people who don’t actively promote the idea that women are inferior to men. This is not a high bar to clear. It’s the same reason I won’t have a discussion about racism with someone who thinks people of color are inferior, or sub-human. They go immediately in my “not worth bothering with” pile.
**The difference is that Paul Elam and most of his crowd actually want to beat women, not in proportional and reasonable self defense either.
***But I admit I found it hilarious when r/amr used the GoT poster/slogan “All Men Must Die” in the sidebar. Because (a) it’s not actually a threat of violence, but merely a statement of fact, and (b) “Men” in that stands in for Humans, and is a reflection of the still pervasive treatment of males as the default humans. Plus the fact that so many misters didn’t even catch the reference, proving that they’re fake geek boys. XD
I would like to post about a place that is helping rape victims in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. It’s called Panzi Hospital, located in Bukavu, South Kivu Province, which is in the eastern part of the country. If you would like to donate to the hospital, or to a specific program, the donation page is at http://www.panzihospital.org/about/support-panzi-hospital.
Ciao,
there are several points I want to make regarding what I just read regarding the apex fallacy and the purpose of this site.
First, it would be refreshing to actually see women’s rights activists for once react with self reflection rather then the obsessive need to reflexively ridicule and discredit opposing views. The worst that could happen is you actually learned something. This site serves that questionable purpose and is somewhat childish.
Second, new concepts such as the apex fallacy are established constantly. Of course there is no library full of ‘scientific’ The feminist movement has consistently come up with new ‘constructs’. Concepts have to start somewhere. And no, you can’t compare or equate a coal miner to a CEO who is on the apex. The coal miner is a nobody in the ‘power structure’ unfortunately.
Third, “…. because, again, the whole point of the blog is to expose this sort of hatred.”…. I’m sure you must see at least SOME irony in that statement. Scrolling through the posts it’s easy to see vile hatred from both ends.
Whatever you all might say about losers and sociopaths, one fact is very clear to me. Having libido and being unable to attract any woman makes life hell; for all my adult life. For all my adult life, hardly a day went by without wishing I were dead. Geez, that is no way to live! What finally brought me relief was taking an anti-androgen.
Before I took the abovev-mentioned medication I was talking the same misogynistic rhetoric that you see all too much of, here and elsewhere in the manosphere. It seems to me that a lot of men suffer needlessly.
I’m not saying that that this will solve anyone’s underlying problems. All I’m saying is that there is a very simple way to save yourselves a whole lot of anguish.
Argh, I should have read the bit about ‘trivial’ and ‘content free’ before doing my initial post on another thread. I’ll have to do something quick to redeem myself.
The problem is that your regular commentators have it all covered. Another issue is, that to me, there’s so little that needs arguing about. Sure there are interesting side issues within feminism. But it’s like evolution. The basic principle is so demonstrably correct that it’s only the minutiae to discuss. That’s either only of interest to people with a particular viewpoint on the minor issue, or it’s taken as evidence by nutters that there’s something wrong with the whole premise.
In the first instance I probably don’t have the knowledge base to make a useful contribution. I don’t know whether life first arose on an RNA basis or if it was crystaline. Similarly I don’t really have the personal experience to debate whether it would be right to restrict a trans woman’s entry into a women’s refuge.
In the second instance, what’s the use in arguing? No creationist is going to be persuaded by evidence; no MRA is going to stop being a hateful idiot.
I suppose I could talk about my views on feminism but who’d care. To me the subject is simple. It’s patently obvious that women should have the same rights as men. I can’t see *any* rational viewpoint that differs. Even with something as controversial as abortion (Oh, and I’m so pro choice I’d extend free termination on demand until they’re old enough to behave in restaurants) I can see how their may be a valid reason for holding an anti abortion stance that has at least some basis that isn’t purely based on controlling women (well, not intentionally at least) say, you’re a committed Jain or you’re concerned that people would be terminating on gender grounds or disability (if you’re a disable rights activist).
But feminism, well, it’s just so blooming obvious. How can there be *any* logical reason to dispute that men and women should be equal?
I suppose someone could say “Ah but women are already equal” or, on much more shaky ground “It’s men who are the victims”, but only a moment’s analysis shows those positions are unsustainable.
My starting point on all this hinges on one phrase, you’re no doubt familiar with it:
“Men fear women will laugh at them; women fear men will kill them”
That explains pretty much everything.
Can’t see why women don’t respond to a friendly hello, after all you wouldn’t mind a girl saying it to you? Well, if you’re not interested in taking the conversation any further that’s the end of it, there’s no substantive risk of any negative consequence. A woman though risks everything from abuse to sexual assault to death.
Yeah, but it’s hardly likely is it, most men aren’t rapists or murderers?
True, but it’s far from being a negligible risk and even if it’s low probability it’s high consequence.
Think of it in terms of driving to the shops or launching the space shuttle.
Cars are pretty reliable. We’ve been building them for ages and we’re pretty good at it. There’s not much to go wrong these days. And even if something does, well all it means is you have to walk to the shop.
But there’s a lot to go wrong on a space shuttle, and if something does break it can get pretty nasty.
So, is mission control being paranoid for scrubbing a launch because some warning light comes on? After all, you’ve driven to the shops with the oil light on loads of times.
What’s the answer? Well, whether we’re talking about the different experiences of men and women; or cars and space shuttles, it’s not rocket science.
Sorry for the ramble. I’m sure people have covered all this ground before so much more perceptively, but it is content and marginally less trivial than pointing out that a cat is grumpy (even though it is)
Sockpuppets? Is that a thing I’m missing?
Susan. It happens from time to time. Some people are really good at spotting evidence of a banned commenter’s writing style in the midst of the boring and predictable rantings of a purported newcomer. And it turns out that they are a sockpuppet of that person.
Most of us aren’t.
Hey there. My son had me watch Alison Tieman’s hamster and voting video the other night. With only the short shot of her before we went off to hypnotic zoom effects on cat, my first (and lasting) impression was that Alison Tieman is likely a prepubescent boy. The argument seemed about on that level.
About on the same level, too, as the old phone prank – “Is your refrigerator running?” “Why, yes.” “Better go chase it!” – which then devolves into hilarious laughter. I was always charmed by such calls, and gladly humored the caller with “Why, yes.”
Davis Aurini just posted another wacky blog post about ‘daddy government and corporate boyfriend’ as some sort of advice for women. Here: http://www.staresattheworld.com/2015/02/daddy-government-corporate-boyfriend/
Are you going to poke into this one? Because I can’t make heads or tails of it.
Thanks for the guidelines. In other words, talk to people the way you would if you were in the same room with them.
I’m no stranger to this site, so I’m already aware that there are certain words that should not be used here because they are slurs. Reading this page just now made me aware of another word that I didn’t know before was a slur. It’s the one that sounds like gratin. I looked it up, and was like, “…oh……….man, ableism is even more normalized than I thought.”
Thanks for teaching me a new word to avoid. Not that I’ve ever used it, but at least now I know it’s not a neutral, fair game insult.
So glad I stumbled across this blog. I had been cringing to myself while reading ROK, hoping I wasn’t the only person who had seen it and was feeling equally like laughing and crying. This is great
One thing that gets overlooked: If a man is unable to attract any woman, a lot of suffering can result. I lived most of my adult life wishing I were dead, because of it. So, how could I not feel anger at women for not being attracted to me?
Fortunately, there are medications that reduce testosterone and therefore reduce libido. There are side effects such as being lethargic when one previously energetic. Now I finally have a girlfriend and wish that I could have that libido and energy back. But that doesn’t take away from being grateful for not having to suffer like before.
@Dean Walker
Seriously? What if a woman is unable to attract a man? What, women don’t have feelings now?
And are you seriously asking how you can “not feel anger at women for not being attracted” to you? Just DON’T. That’s how you do it. Plenty of women are not attracted to me, and I don’t throw a fucking tantrum or hate them for it.
If not being attractive to the people who you find attractive causes you to wish you were dead, I strongly suggest seeking out professional help. I say this as someone who has been a recipient of mental health care services since college.
Does every thread now have a necro troll complaining about how not getting laid justifies misogyny?
Newsflash Dean,
Depression isn’t caused by not getting romantic or sexual attention from women. People in relationships, including you apparently can suffer from it too. Women suffer from depression as well. Stop trying to blame men’s mental health problems on women not jumping on your peen. That’s not how it works.
You’re wrong, Dean. Feminists do not overlook the fact that people can suffer from loneliness if they don’t have the kind of relationship they want. That’s never overlooked, and you’ll find plenty of feminists who have similar tales of loneliness.
What you are overlooking is that ever other person, of any gender, on this planet has agency and can suffer the same things. What you overlook is that a relationship with another person is necessarily bidirectional. You see girlfriends as a thing for you to obtain; feminists see girlfriends as people who have to go through the same exact process of forming a relationship as you.
How could you?
How could I not feel anger at women for not being attracted to me? I used the medication that reduces testosterone; I was not able to do that with an assertion of will, like dhag85.
Doctors and other professionals suggested that I take neuroleptics like prozac, effexor, calexa, depakote … etc. I simply took something that was not developed in the same mindless way, which was to make a slight alteration in a neurotransmitter molecule and then promote it as the greatest thing since life’s bread.
The cyproterone acetate that I took is prohibited by the FDA; but since I’m close to the Mexican border I could get it over there. As it turned out, I had a hormonal imbalance. Did Elliot Rodgers and George Sodini know that there is any such thing.
Now that I have a girlfriend and have been with her for 1 1/2 years, everyone who knows me is amazed at how much happier I seem to be.
Incidentally, you might want to Google “Emma the Emo”. She is one who took up with another man who was angry with women for not being attracted to him; and now they have a pretty good relationship.
I can’t even. Just backing away.
@Dean – I’m confused as to why you think women were the problem to begin with, if medication resolved your problem. You were angry at women when you had high testosterone, but then you were prescribed something that lowered your libido and (presumably) lessened your sexual urgency so that you were able to approach women in a more low-key way and find a girlfriend.
In other words, women didn’t change, you did. Which means your suffering never had an external cause. (Not to minimize it, because loneliness and rejection can be hell on earth, but a lot of suffering is caused by the rules people make up inside their head, such as “Sex makes you a man” and “I have a biological need to get laid” and “Women are purposely denying me”)
I’m glad you’re in a better place now, but take a moment to reflect that your former (unmedicated) state of mind is not objective proof that women are terrible.
In unrelated news, I am really MAD at water for being wet.
I’m mad at German Shepherds because I get strep throat a lot and it hurts. Antibiotics clears it up and I’m perfectly healthy now. But I’m mad at German Shepherds for not getting rid of my strep infections anyway. That’s logical, right?
@wwth
I can’t spot any flaw there. I’m also really mad at ketchup. I know that’s got nothing to do with this, but I’m just so mad. And I blame the French.
We get the “I’m mad at women because I can’t get laid” trolls a lot, but this is the first “I was mad at women because I couldn’t get laid, it turned out I had a medical problem, I got medication, it got better, and now I lead a happy and healthy life, but I’m STILL mad at women” troll I’ve seen.