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Today I Learned: I’m an agent of the Globalist Media elite personally tasked with destroying the Semen Retention subreddit

Just doing my job

By David Futrelle

For the past few months I’ve been mildly obsessed with the Semen Retention subreddit, a sort of harder-core alternative to the bigger NoFap subreddit, full of earnest men convinced that if they can just keep their hands off their dingles for a long enough time they’ll gain quasi-magical powers and become irresistibly attractive to women. Their collective ideology is a weird mixture of pseudoscience, occultism, Eastern woo, and Red Pill misogyny, with a dollop of old-fashioned antisemitism occasionally tossed into the mix for flavor. For a connoisseur of weird misogyny like me, what’s not to love?

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'bating bad anatomy cool story bro cringe galaxy brain men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny NoFap penises reddit semen

‘Cause every girl crazy ’bout a semen-filled man: Alleged true tales from the Semen Retention subreddit

Sorry ladies, but I have to deny you my essence

By David Futrelle

The Semen Retention subreddit is a weird place to visit, filled both with arcane manifestos on the spiritual awakenings that supposedly come from never having orgasms, ever, and enthusiastic testimonials from sperm-filled dudes convinced that their onanistic disipline has caused all the women in their immediate vicinity to lust for them like cats in heat, even though actually having sex with one of these women would destroy their no-orgasm streak and, they fear, transform them back into average schmoes again.

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creepy entitled babies evil sex-rejecting ladies incels men who should not ever be with women ever MGTOW misogyny MRA penises precious bodily fluids semen sex sexy robot ladies

Great news, incels! The SW-3701 Automatic Semen Collector Instrument will agree to have sex with you

Ok, I added the eyes, and the cats, and the hearts, and everything else that isn’t the Semen Collector or the guy demonstrating it

By David Futrelle

Incels, and quite a few of their misogynistic brethren in the MGTOW and Men’s Rights movements, are more than a little obsessed with what they see as the impending arrival of super-realistic sexbots that, these guys think, will make women obsolete, because in their minds all that women are good for is sex anyway.

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'bating /pol/ 4chan alt-right anti-Semitism creepy evil sexy ladies irony alert men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny NoFap none dare call it conspiracy porn precious bodily fluids reddit semen

Creepy Nazi NoFapper: The Jews “fear men who practice semen retention”

Hitler sadly acknowledging the end of a 20-day NoFap streak

By David Futrelle

The other day I introduced you to DiceRollah, a Man Going His Own Way who is also a hardcore semen-retainer who thinks that giving up masturbation and sex will thwart the evil womens out there trying to steal his “life force” and prevent him from being the sort of awesome dude who, in our caveman days, would have been out there “doing fantastic works of cave art or slaying woolly mammoths.”

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'bating actual mammoths evil sexy ladies imaginary oppression men who should not ever be with women ever MGTOW misogyny NoFap precious bodily fluids reddit semen

Women drain men’s life force (semen) and prevent them from hunting mammoths, MGTOW Redditor warns unironically

Semen-filled prehistoric MGTOWs doing some manly man stuff

By David Futrelle

Be still my heart! I’ve discovered a man who is, simultaneously, 1) a Redditor, 2) a MGTOW, 3) a NoFap dude with weird theories about semen who 4) literally wants to go out and hunt mammoths.

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bad anatomy bad science creepy dude ranch dude you've got no fucking idea what you're talking about Dunning–Kruger effect men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny precious bodily fluids semen

Fellas! Make your girlfriend your clone by uploading your sperm into her brain!


Michael B. Jordan , meet your new girlfriend, Michaela B. Jordan

By David Futrelle

It’s amazing how many men think their sperm is magical. Some, echoing the incorrect beliefs of scientists from centuries ago, think that it’s what “brings life” to the womb, with women providing no more than a place for a fetus to hang out for 9 months before it’s born. Some think their own sperm is worth its weight in gold.

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"ethics" #gamergate cringe entitled babies evil SJWs incoherent rage men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny rape culture semen sex

Milky Victory and the Holes of Corruption: An angry, horny gamer has written the worst sentence in human history

Gamer celebrates a milky victory

By David Futrelle

So I have discovered — a little belatedly — what may be the worst-written sentence in the English language. Or at least the worst sentence ever written by someone who thought he was writing the best sentence.

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bad anatomy crackpottery creepy entitled babies evil sex-having women men who should not ever be with women ever MGTOW misogyny precious bodily fluids semen

MGTOW reveals the first thought he has when talking to a potential date, and it may be the grossest thing you read all day

Always check the teeth

By David Futrelle

So. Some of the dudes on MGTOW.com were having a discussion of “dating health risks” a while back, and naturally the talk turned quickly to semen.

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'bating antifeminism cuck cuckolding incels men who should not ever be with women ever MGTOW misogyny NoFap porn reactionary bullshit reddit self-hatred semen sex sexual assault sexual harassment slut shaming the federalist

The Federalist channels incel logic with its latest hot take suggesting that watching porn is adultery

Apparently we’re all having affairs with Stormy Daniels

By David Futrelle

The Federalist has once again delivered a hot take so blazingly bad that the entire internet, it seems, has risen up to point and laugh at it.

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bad anatomy bad science crackpottery dude you've got no fucking idea what you're talking about Dunning–Kruger effect entitled babies men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny reddit semen

Men “bring life into the world” because their sperm swim, while the eggs just sit there, Galaxy-Brained Redditor explains

His boys can swim!

By David Futrelle

Turns out that women aren’t just improperly appreciative of men because back in the cavemen days it was (allegedly) the cavemen that hunted the mammoth to feed their lazy women sitting eating bon-bons in their caves.