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“Computer screens are draining your life force!” declares mystical semen retainer

Don’t let your life force drain out through your eyes!

Today we’re taking another peek into the Semen Retention subreddit, the hangout of some of the most intense NoFappers you can find online. In particular, we’re going to look at a post from someone called RealisticGarage, who has a warning for his semen-retaining brothers: your life force can’t just be drained from your johnson. It can also get drained through your eyes. So, you know, look out for that.

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Reddit NoFappers explain why women are like bees

So the guys over in the Semen Retention subreddit — a more hardcore spinoff of the larger NoFap subreddit — are discussing the mysteries of female nature, as weirdo misogynists are wont to do. Specifically, the guys are trying to explain to one another why men often seem socially awkward, while women seem like naturals who can easily get along with anyone.

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Full Balls and Fat Bottomed Girls: Reddit NoFapper explains why women “need to be leaded by men”

And men with big balls shall lead thee

By David Futrelle

As something of a connoisseur of misogyny, I’m drawn to the Semen Retention subreddit by its unique mixture of woman-hating and penis-centric woo. While the woo is blatant and ridiculous — the men there think that retaining their sacred seed will give them magical powers and make them irresistible to women and other living things — the misogyny is generally a little subtler.

But not always.

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This NoFap parody of Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt is possibly the worst song ever recorded

You make Johnny Cash sad

By David Futrelle

Yep, some NoFap dude did a NoFap version of Johnny Cash’s famous cover of Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt,” with the lyrics changed to make a point about the evils of “cooming” while jerking off to porn. Just listen to this mess, if you can:

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Reddit NoFapper takes LSD, convinces himself that all his lusty thoughts are the fault of a sex demon

TBF, these guys probably aren’t up to anything good

By David Futrelle

So I took a little stroll through the Semen Retention subreddit again today, and there were demons afoot. Or at least inside the brain of one of the gentlemen there.

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Women are only attracted to men who retain their semen, man who retains his semen declares

Dude must be filled to the brim with semen

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By David Futrelle

It’s nearly Christmas, and so I’ve decided to give myself an early present by giving in to my strange fascination with the Semen Retention subreddit, again.

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No-nut November NoFappers Need to Know: Am I not-nutting correctly in the eyes of God?

By David Futrelle

As No-Nut November nears its climax, one reactionary Catholic tweeter is asking those who’ve given up nutting to porn whether or not their intentions are pure.

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The Semen Retention subreddit is leaking (and not how you think)

By David Futrelle

A cryptocurrency guru who calls himself Crypto de Medici is celebrating the start of #NoNutNovember by bringing the gospel of Semen Retention to his nearly 90 thousand Twitter followers.

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Porn, “lustful music” and “vulgar clothing” are lowering men’s “vibrational state,” angry New Age no-fapper declares in epic dumb rant

Lower vibrational energy

By David Futrelle

If you’ve ever wondered what the “precious bodily fluids”-obsessed General Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove would sound like if he were, like, really into crystals and auras and shit, well, he might sound a bit like this dude I found in the Semen Retention subreddit today, warning his fellow semen-retainers of the alleged spiritual war being waged against their good vibrations.

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How to become the Warren Buffett of ejaculation, according to some semen-retaining weirdo on Reddit

*makes jerkoff motion*

By David Futrelle

Today, some handy investment advice from … the semen retention subreddit?