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Return of the Son of the Dudes Who Don’t Wipe Their Asses Because They Think it’s Gay

Ewwwww

By David Futrelle

We’ve met them before, these mysterious and stinky straight men, who refuse to wipe or wash their asses because they’re afraid that doing so is somehow gay.

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MGTOW: Women are “driving from town to town, jumping from cock to cock and getting guys to buy them food and gas”

By David Futrelle

“Van Life,” as I understand it, is a growing trend in which young and often quite photogenic people, er, live in vans — hence the name — and post a lot of arty pictures to Instagram documenting their travels.

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Porn, “lustful music” and “vulgar clothing” are lowering men’s “vibrational state,” angry New Age no-fapper declares in epic dumb rant

Lower vibrational energy

By David Futrelle

If you’ve ever wondered what the “precious bodily fluids”-obsessed General Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove would sound like if he were, like, really into crystals and auras and shit, well, he might sound a bit like this dude I found in the Semen Retention subreddit today, warning his fellow semen-retainers of the alleged spiritual war being waged against their good vibrations.

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Dude is pissed that his girlfriend wouldn’t hypothetically trade her vagina in for a penis

Even the inventor of penis envy would be baffled by this one

By David Futrelle

Today’s bit of weirdness comes from the online cringe warehouse known as the Am I the Asshole (AITA) subreddit. It’s a post from a woman who says her boyfriend threw a tantrum because she told him she wouldn’t (hypothetically) trade her vagina in for a penis.

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MGTOW Redditor: “Any woman you encounter is possibly a Succubus. Make no mistake, it wants your semen”

Women out there just being succubi now

By David Futrelle

It’s succubus time again here at We Hunted the Mammoth. Over the years, I’ve run across more than a few weirdo misogynists obsessed with the notion of women as succubi, those (I think) mythical sex demons who disguise themselves as beautiful women in order to seduce men and steal their sexual energy, if not their very souls.

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Today I Learned: I’m an agent of the Globalist Media elite personally tasked with destroying the Semen Retention subreddit

Just doing my job

By David Futrelle

For the past few months I’ve been mildly obsessed with the Semen Retention subreddit, a sort of harder-core alternative to the bigger NoFap subreddit, full of earnest men convinced that if they can just keep their hands off their dingles for a long enough time they’ll gain quasi-magical powers and become irresistibly attractive to women. Their collective ideology is a weird mixture of pseudoscience, occultism, Eastern woo, and Red Pill misogyny, with a dollop of old-fashioned antisemitism occasionally tossed into the mix for flavor. For a connoisseur of weird misogyny like me, what’s not to love?

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‘Cause every girl crazy ’bout a semen-filled man: Alleged true tales from the Semen Retention subreddit

Sorry ladies, but I have to deny you my essence

By David Futrelle

The Semen Retention subreddit is a weird place to visit, filled both with arcane manifestos on the spiritual awakenings that supposedly come from never having orgasms, ever, and enthusiastic testimonials from sperm-filled dudes convinced that their onanistic disipline has caused all the women in their immediate vicinity to lust for them like cats in heat, even though actually having sex with one of these women would destroy their no-orgasm streak and, they fear, transform them back into average schmoes again.

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Great news, incels! The SW-3701 Automatic Semen Collector Instrument will agree to have sex with you

Ok, I added the eyes, and the cats, and the hearts, and everything else that isn’t the Semen Collector or the guy demonstrating it

By David Futrelle

Incels, and quite a few of their misogynistic brethren in the MGTOW and Men’s Rights movements, are more than a little obsessed with what they see as the impending arrival of super-realistic sexbots that, these guys think, will make women obsolete, because in their minds all that women are good for is sex anyway.

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Lips Dick: Angry knobhead mansplains labial anatomy at Jezebel writer

Excuse me while I whip out my thoughts on your labia

By David Futrelle

It’s only been a month since the most stubborn man in the universe broke the internet by trying (and trying again at much greater length) to explain what he incorrectly saw as the correct use of the word “vagina” to a literally world-famous gynecologist.

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Lesbians! You need to get the D at least sometimes if you want clear skin, explains dude who couldn’t possibly have an ulterior motive

That could be really bad for your health, according to science I definitely didn’t just pull out of my ass

By David Futrelle

Here’s a little public pubic service announcement for all lesbians, as offered by a very public pubic-spirited fellow who couldn’t possibly have an ulterior motive or anything but who nonetheless might be available to assist any lesbians who wish to act upon the important information he is conveying.