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Lori Alexander–aka The Transformed Wife–is a tradwife influencer with strong opinions on many of the crucial issues of the day. Like, for example, bikinis, witchcraft, lesbianism, cell phones, marital rape, college, and how women should be denied the right to vote. I’ve written about her a couple of times before, but I recently took a look at her Twitter, and found myself scrolling down her timeline, going back a few months. And I was a little surprised by some of her opinions on the issues that matter the most to her. And also a little surprised at what she thinks are the important issues.
Let’s start with the most obviously important of all these issues–by which I mean the swimware of Satan, the too-teeny bikini.
Bikinis are at least as bad as seed oils!
And speaking of rock music, it’s dangerous, and has been known to cause women to sway their hips in public. Even when it’s supposedly Christian rock!
The Transformed wife has some especially strong feelings about marital rape, which apparently doesn’t exist, as getting married to a dude means he gets to have sex whenever he wants even if you say “no” or fall asleep.
This is one of the reasons no one should even date before getting married.
And while wives are supposed to “submit” to their husbands whenever hubby wants sex, it has to be the right kind of sex. In other words, no butt stuff.
Speaking of sex, The Transformed WIfe doesn’t think parents should send their daughters to college, what with all the witchcraft and lesbianism going on there.
Also, going to college wastes some primo baby-having years.
College is bad enough. God forbid today’s woman ever leave the home to earn a living.
Women really shouldn’t be wantonly driving cars around either.
Cell phones are nearly as bad as cars.
Solar energy is also a devilish plot to give people with brain tumors headaches.
But if Costco is Godly, Target is Satanic. You can just tell!
Despite having a lot of opinions about all these worldly issues, the Transformed Wife doesn’t think women should be allowed to express their opinions at the polls. Indeed, she thinks women’s suffrage has been a disaster for everyone, mainly because other women tend to vote for Democrats and perversion more generally.
Ironically, unlike many right-wing Christians, and despite her strong hatred of bikinis, TW thinks it was good for Sports Illustrated to put trans singer Kim Petras and ex-con Martha Stewart on the cover of its swimsuit edition–because what man could lust after either of them?
Huh. Forget Martha Stewart, whom the Transformed Wife only disses because she’s an 81 year old posing in a swimsuit (though not a bikini). I just think TW is perhaps underestimating the lust-inducing power of Ms. Petras. So here’s a video for her latest song, which features simulated fellatio on an … oboe? And a video playlist of the songs on her Slut Pop EP, all of which are utterly filthy.
I’m mainly doing this because I want TW to read this post and watch these videos and, hopefully, to get the chorus of Superpower Bitch stuck in her head.
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@Jenora,
Which is a shame about Discordianism because Operation Mindfuck was great for jamming social assumptions and making people think about what we assume must be true.
Anyway, just look at this. I feel so bad for her children.
https://fundamentalists.fandom.com/wiki/Lori_Alexander
I did indeed get part of the story wrong – Mr. Parasol confirmed for me that the friend in question was a Church of the Subgenius fellow who went by the nickname Pope Charles. They were DJs at the same radio station at the time.
Slightly more on topic, the other day I watched this video on conservatives and their love of parents getting to treat their kids like property – oops, I mean “parents rights.”
@Jenora
These individuals also have a very, very high likelihood of being Libertarians.
@Z&T – I’d watch the MEOWNERS show!
Speaking of misreading:
Women in bikinis make women pregnant? Is it just me or does it sound like this is about lesbians, some of whom are trans? I’m sure Lori Butterfly would love that. (Although how they have sex while in bikinis, I don’t know.)
@happy cat: I feel bad for everyone who’s ever had the misfortune to get within 500 feet of her. She might be the one person on Earth who can scare John Wick.
@epitome of incomprehensibility:
Whether about cis men or transwoman, it is not the bikini that makes someone pregnant. It’s the sex. I think either way, it’s saying, you get raped, and it is your fault. We already know she doesn’t believe in consent, and she probably believes all trans people are rapist monsters, so I don’t think joking about what she is saying is a good idea.
As for her being Phyllis Schlafly, but saying the quiet part out loud, Schlafly constantly said the quiet part out loud, particularly about white supremacy. The media is the one who reported on her as “How cute: a woman who thinks woman should go back to the kitchen,” rather than a bigot who outright said the GOP should be catering only to white people. The media has reported on Lori Alexander in the same way. You can be an outright racist. You can call other people losers and sluts and worse, as they both did. You can be abusive and manipulative towards your kids. You could be a lying hypocrite. But if you gush about motherhood, the media will soft-pedal your views. No doubt if Magda Goebbels was alive today, there would be a paper gushing about her moms first movement.
What I got out of this:
1) Women’s Bible Study groups are bad news
2) Women encountering each other at home do not in fact gossip, only when interacting outside the home
3) “This isn’t living in submission to him.” Yeah, we noticed that part lady
1) Women’s bible study groups are
bad newsgrooming them for marital rape. (And one must wonder to what extent Lori’s rhetoric is desperate rationalization to avoid facing up to being, herself, a rape victim…)@Cheesynougats
Yes, a good chunk of Discordianism is really about using the absurdity to make people stop and hopefully question their assumptions. In some ways it’s like building an entire religious document around a zen koan: the purpose isn’t to enforce an orthodoxy so much as to make people stop and go ‘hunh?’ and maybe think for themselves if you’re lucky.
@Victorious Parasol:
That does make a little more sense, yes.
And yes, the whole Parents’ Rights theme is pretty much ‘we want to force our children to be just as narrow-minded as we are, and not have to deal with anybody who tells us we can’t’. It’s all about making sure that Conservatives never have to feel uncomfortable because their worldviews are being questioned.
@Allandrel:
Well, yes. See my mention of Penn Jillette, who is both a self-declared libertarian and associated with the Church of the Subgenius (at least according to the Subgenius Wikipedia page). Being a libertarian asshole and refusing to admit you might be wrong (but I repeat myself) is pretty much orthogonal to other religious beliefs or non-beliefs.
@Dave:
Fair enough, perhaps I should have said ‘saying the quiet part even louder’. Schlafly, as a trained lawyer, was at the very least capable of using weasel words when she understood that she was in a situation where her words could be reported outside her bubble. (Most of the cases where she tripped up were where she thought she was talking to a supportive audience but there were people like the ‘Ladies Against Women’ guerilla theatre group in attendance.)
The Transformed Wife here has gone into full conspiracy theory-style ‘anyone who laughs at me or speaks out against me is demon-possessed and must be destroyed with the others’. She doesn’t care if the enemy hears her words: they’re the enemy, and will be swept away when the glorious revolution comes, so it doesn’t matter unless they decide to properly listen to her and get saved.
Basically, Schlafly was playing to a minority audience with an outsized influence because they were easily manipulated into following the same marching orders (and hopefully bring along enough of the mushy middle if she could weasel-word things enough), and I’m pretty sure she knew it. Alexander here was part of the previous generation’s audience, raised in that bubble, but she thinks they’re actually the majority because she divides everybody into ‘my people’ and ‘others’ and dismisses the others. I think she actually believes the silent majority is on her side and that all the progressive actions in the world today are part of a tight-knit global conspiracy.
(Which honestly makes her more dangerous. Somebody who’s in it for power can possibly be convinced that their best interests lie elsewhere; somebody who’s made it all part of their religious identity is not reachable unless that worldview is broken first.)
Okay, the bikini stuff was kind of funny for its absurdity, but everything she says about marital rape makes me want to spit in her face.
Jesus advised his followers to pluck out their eye if it is lustful. Slobbering over women is not natural, it’s evil. I don’t mean normal admiration for women (or men) and their bodies. I mean the kind of lustful gaze Lori is talking about.
I’ve swayed my hips to both of those songs. It’s how I worship when the spirit takes me.
The Bible commands husbands and wives to submit to each other.
She’ll have a fun time trying to talk her way into heaven after all the bullshit she spews.
I recall an episode of that comedy Barney Miller where the cops had to deal with a man who was preventing his wife from voting because she was going to vote for the other candidate and cancel out his vote. I wonder how often that happens in real life.
Barney Miller was SUCH a great show. Real cops said it was the truest depiction of their work ever.
I remember the whole family laughing at that. My mom and dad voted the same, but more out of the same worldviews than any pressure — and mom was the one who decided on the down-ticket races and told dad how to vote.
@Sorella:
I recall an episode of that comedy Barney Miller where the cops had to deal with a man who was preventing his wife from voting because she was going to vote for the other candidate and cancel out his vote. I wonder how often that happens in real life.
That and worse; it seems: there seems to be quite a bit of domestic voter coercion going on.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/nov/19/voter-intimidation-republicans-democrats-midterm-elections
@GSS ex-noob:
Barney Miller was SUCH a great show. Real cops said it was the truest depiction of their work ever.
My own favorite episode was the one with Detective Harris directing a decoy porno film for a sting operation—and running way over budget and deadline, as his not-so-inner auteur proceeded to run amuck.
And I’m remembering Detective Yemana’s answer to the where-you-really-from game: “Omaha.” “What part of Japan is that?”
And the time they arrested a Deaf sex worker (played by actually Deaf Phyllis Frelich) and Dietrich took a fancy to her (in the course of which we learned that the sign for “Sichuan” (cookery) is vigorously fanning one’s mouth.)
Looked up her profile on Fundamentalist Wiki. She advocates beating kids with belts until it leaves “whelps.” Aren’t whelps puppies? And what’s the deal with seed oils? How are they evil?
Katherine, former PUA and Manosphere mascot turned Orthodox Christian fanatic, RooshV, has written several “articles” on the “evils” of seed oils. He even claims that “city dwellers alleviate their secular guilt” by consuming them. LOL!
https://www.rooshv.com/vegetable-oils-are-toxic
Whelps are indeed puppies. She obviously means welts. Beating kids is unfortunately legal in most of the US, for some reason. But even in Texas, purposefully injuring a child, and bruises count as injuries, is a crime.
Lori Alexander was also extensively discussed by Libby Anne of “No Longer Quivering” fame. Lori is a loony and a zealot who completely messed up her own life, her own marriage, and whatever opportunities she had to be a sensible adult, all by her own choices — wasting her college years and sabotaging her birth-control just being the first of a long line of truly terrible choices.
And her entire agenda/philosophy seems to be based on one principle: that no one, man or woman, should ever be allowed to be less miserable than her own poor choices have made her and her husband. I sincerely hope her kids are able to grow into sane adults who can learn from their parents’ mistakes.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be having fun.
@GSS ex-noob, Full Metal Ox:
And Barney Miller was set in Greenwich Village just a few years after the Stonewall Riots, during a time when gay characters on TV were mostly going from one-note joke characters to being seen as ‘controversial’… and managed to pull off one now somewhat famous episode involving a couple of gay men reporting someone extorting them by posing as another police officer.
It was an odd show that wasn’t quite what anybody expected in a police show, but it worked because it was such a character-driven show.
“The Transformed Wife,” more like “The Brainwashed Enabler.”
Surplus: She’s not worried about other people having fun; she’s afraid of other people’s different choices completely and utterly invalidating her entire life.
@Raging Bee:
Sounds about right. Not just ‘other people are having fun’, but ‘other people are having fun and not being punished for it, which means that all my sacrifices were for nothing’.
Which is one of the reasons why you get some people actively pulling up the ladder behind them or tearing down the folks that came after them, because how dare those people not have to suffer to get ahead in life.
Barney Miller is on Prime Video in the US!