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Twitter’s @amerix, a self-professed guru on men’s health, has a lot of advice for men on a wide range of topics, including masturbation (“reckless ejaculation”), older women (“old camels”), carrying a woman’s purse (“treat her bags as a fatal infectious disease like leprosy”), and margarine (the devil’s toast spread).
Unfortunately, he also has some 1.3 million followers, and even if we assume a certain proportion of them are bots or bought, that’s a lot of people absorbing @amerix’s spurts of unwisdom on a regular basis.
I’ve been going through his timeline to collect some of the best (by which I mean worst) bits of advice for you to consider. I feel safe in saying that he’s wrong about every single thing he offers his opinion on–except for that margarine business; butter really is better.
Let’s start with masturbation, something of an obsession for Mr. Amerix. Naturally, he’s a dedicated anti-fapper.
Apparently, ejaculation still counts as reckless even if you do it during sex with a human woman.
And whatever you do, keep that butthole virginal.
He thinks men shouldn’t allow their wives or girlfriends any privacy.
In marriage, man is supposed to be KING.
And he’s always right:
As for those older women, shun them like a disease:
Speaking of old bags, make sure you never ever carry one of hers.
Also, don’t wear cute matching outfits with your woman (?), or check what color sanitary pads (??) she needs.
Try to make sure your woman is not, er, a terrorist. Luckily you can do this with the power of your EYES.
Make sure to protect all of your important holes, and whatever you do, don’t let them get reckless on you.
And always remember: big boys don’t cry. Though punching a hole in the drywall is a-ok.
Make sure not to waste your scrotal potential.
Don’t marry a ho who has slept with more than two dudes before you.
Don’t ask your gay best friend for advice on women, I guess:
Think of your woman as if she’s your daughter because that’s a healthy dynamic for a relationship.
If you’re tempted to call up a sex worker, just get yourself a second wife instead.
Just don’t get one that’s fat.
Irish potatoes are the enemy of all that is holy and good, and also, they make you a fatso.
Don’t buy your lady a salon.
And last but not least: Don’t let her destroy your dream of becoming a chicken farmer.
I’ve got more, but I’m just going to leave it at that; it’s hard to absorb this much wisdom in a short time.
Also, in the course of writing this post I have become a chicken farmer in my apartment, and I need to go tend to some chicks.
Also, I need to convert my stash of Irish potatoes into porcupines before my second wife is tempted to eat one of them.
Being a man is hard work these days, but when I look out on my small army of potato porcupines, I know it’s all worth it.
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Ah yes, the Irish, so famous for being overweight. (What is an “ovary” body type?)
I don’t know how anyone is supposed to find time for fapping, what with all the chicken farming, wall punching, phone snooping, purse avoidance, orifice control, scrotal workouts, hardware store supervision, and supporting a second wife. For a man so in control of everything, his life sounds like a hot mess.
@Nequam: Yeah, MLK and marble statue PFPs are pretty reliable tells that we’re about to be subjected to some trad bullshit. My block finger gets itchy.
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants:
(What is an “ovary” body type?)
That has to do with Dr. Abravanel’s Body Type Diet, which postulates that everyone is governed by a particular dominant organ. Adrenal types tend to be muscular and top-heavy, putting on weight in the belly in an apple shape; Pituitary types tend to be delicate and childlike, putting on weight evenly all over like a Cabbage Patch Doll; Thyroid types tend to be angular and long-limbed, putting on weight in the thighs and lower abdomen; Ovarian (originally Gonadal) types tend to be curvaceous and bottom-heavy, putting on weight in the hips and rump.
The system has been considerably elaborated upon by successors; this version breaks humanity down into 25 types:
https://bodytype.com/womens_bodytype_pictures/female_bodyshape_images.php
https://bodytype.com/mens_bodytype_pictures/male_bodyshape_images.php
@Vim: Old Dirty Camels. With the big hit “Scrotal Potential”.
@Kat: One of the finest taters to be had! They’re my go-to unless a recipe demands red ones.
@epitome/@Robert/@milotha: That’s the impression I got too.
This chud needs to get MLK out of his avatar and quit preaching all this shit that undoubtedly has driven away every woman he’s dated. He can’t get one, let alone polygamy. Women all over Africa (or at least in his country) probably know to avoid him.
Hopefully at least a few of his followers are people who want to mock him.
Not that I care, what with Twitter keeping out whoever doesn’t have an account. I’ll only miss Jorts the Cat.
@Robert Haynie – about chickens, yes, my cousin and his partner keep some. Last time I was there, there were 10 (2 roosters, 8 hens) and even that seemed like a lot of work for them.
And that wouldn’t necessarily pinpoint someone geographically – e.g., the people I mentioned live in rural Ontario. But I used to do some volunteer translating (French to English) for a microfinance website called Zidisha, and both salons and small farms seemed like popular small-business choices in countries like Senegal and Burkina Faso.
That reminds me: when a Google Translate plugin was added to the site, some of the automated translations got a bit goofy: e.g., “Expensive lenders, I need to buy more shampooing for my hair saloon” (“cher(s)” in French means both “dear” and “expensive”). But GT has gotten a bit more precise since.
I’m afraid I don’t frequent hardware stores, but a 500-pound tacit assumption occurs to me: is there any reason a hardware store—particularly the sort of small village pop-and-mom business Amerix seems to have in mind—wouldn’t be a gossip hub? Personal anecdata encouraged.
(Or is it not called gossip when hardware stores’ presumed customer and staff base do it?)
interesting discussion happening over on Medium.com. About men seeking male validation. If you don’t have a membership to the site, your first three articles are free. Also my writings can be found there under my name.)
https://medium.com/@cordywalker17/men-crave-male-validation-more-than-women-do-a9ff01a3e106
@Full Metal Ox:
I think his idea is that at a hardware store it’s all business, no chatting, just buying and selling.
Not being an aficionado of hardware stores, especially those wherever he is, I cannot comment on that. Unlike, apparently, a salon, where I would be expected to comment on a great many things.
Of course, this dumbass’ knowledge of the Bible is as ignorantly wrong as probably EVERYTHING else he has ever said, done or thought. Despite the common usage “Onanism” is NOT in the Bible at all – it was coitus interruptus (and yet another in the nearly endless list of what a petty, shitty, and jealous fake deity the original Jehovah was – a deity that certainly suits the MAGA, QAnon Xians of today, it must be said).
To follow such a person! How twisted, sad, dead-inside these people must be – inexcusably! They CHOOSE to be this way, feeling so, so sorry for themselves.
May this horrible, evil-spreading person reap 100% of the evil he plants. Today.
From Wikipedia:
After Yahweh slew Onan’s oldest brother Er, Onan’s father Judah told him to fulfill his duty[7][8] as a brother-in-law to his brother Er by entering into a levirate marriage[9][10][11][12][13][14][8][15] with his brother’s widow Tamar to give her offspring. Religion professor Tikva Frymer-Kensky has pointed out the economic repercussions of a levirate marriage: any son born to Tamar would be deemed the heir of the deceased Er and could claim the firstborn’s double share of an inheritance. However, if Er were childless or only had daughters, Onan would have inherited as the oldest surviving son.[16]
When Onan had sex with Tamar, he withdrew before he ejaculated[17][18] and “spilled his seed on the ground” thus committing coitus interuptus,[19] since any child born would not legally be considered his heir.[20][21][22][23][24] The next statement in the Bible says that Onan displeased Yahweh, so the Lord slew him.[25] Onan’s crime is often misinterpreted to be masturbation but it is universally agreed among biblical scholars that Onan’s death is attributed to his refusal to fulfill his obligation of levirate marriage with Tamar by committing coitus interruptus.[26][27]
However, Onan‘s reluctance to give a child to his sister-in-law may reflect a rejection of this custom already present in society. The regulation of levirate marriage in Deut 25:5–10 shows that the custom had encountered some opposition. The law in Deuteronomy allowing a man to refuse[28] his duty was a concession to the reluctance to comply with the custom. Because of Onan’s unwillingness to bear a child for his deceased brother, Yahweh was displeased with Onan and slew him also (Gen 38:10)
Just open all Medium links in an incognito window — problem solved.
Wow, I’m going to assume ‘Eric’ has never actually spoken to a woman other than his mother, and didn’t bother with sex education classes at school. Or Religious Studies. Because even this here ex-Anglican (who went to Methodist Sunday School for two years, and was even confirmed into the Anglican Church at 14) knows that the sin of Onan was refusing to get his sister-in-law pregnant and ‘spilling his seed on the ground’, not masturbation. How anyone can possibly take Jehovah seriously as a deity is beyond me; he’s vicious, capricious and petty. At least Ing doesn’t randomly kill people, he’s far too interested in getting laid and growing food.
@Kieta Zou:
Wasn’t the problem with Onan that rather than just refusing up front, he agreed to give his sister-in-law a child in order to get her into bed; but then pulled out at the last moment, so that he got what he’d wanted but she didn’t? Possibly with the idea that this would force her to keep having sex with him in the hopes that he’d eventually let her conceive.
Striking him dead might be a bit extreme, but I’d kind of want him punished for his behaviour.
I keep getting reminded that the various translations of the Bible can be really divergent. This was first brought home to me in a RenLit class where the text of the day was a half dozen or so translation of Psalm 137 (which got turned into a song – “By the Waters of Babylon – by Don McLean). Our professor took us through each translation in detail, walking us through how the language was angrier in this translation, and a bit more morose in that translation, and so forth. Technically each version of the text described the same thing, but the effect on the reader varied wildly.
(Did I mention this professor had been taught by Jesuits?)
That takes it beyond “fraudy” into “rapey” territory. Ugh.
Meanwhile, that volcano in Iceland seems to be revving up for round 3. If it does its thing that will make three years in a row.
Sort of related, but I did a little vid on a time when I was once sort of chivalrous in the trad sense. Albeit I stood on the person I was trying to assist.
Surplus: the “wild potato” that causes lathyrism isn’t related to potatoes. It is a wild legume, despite its name.
@FMOx: My dad did all his gossiping at his local big-box hardware store. Used to go there just for it (with the excuse of buying one widget, even though he’d be gone for hours). In a small town mom and pop store, it must be even more so.
But you surmise correctly, if it’s men, they don’t call it gossip. Gossip is girly, (And on a wider variety of topics)
Okay, that’s it! I am now always going to refer to margarine as the Devil’s Toast Spread, which also sounds like a great name for a Punk band.
@Alan Robertshaw
Saw your entertaining video and gave it a like. It’s a wild narrative.
And the duck, I assume, is your law partner? Damn, the UK legal system is really different from the US system.
Also great names for Punk bands:
Annual Semen Retention
Reckless Ejaculations
@ kat
That’s Lord Luvaduck. He helps me. (Although not with this all nigher skeleton argument I’m trying to write I notice)
@ lakitha
There’s a spread here called Gentlemen’s Relish. Although I’m sure they’d sell it to any ladies craving the authentic flavourings of fermented anchovy guts. That might though be a band name.
All I have to say is that I grew up in a small town in rural Northern Maine, and can absolutely confirm what GSS says regarding mom and pop hardware stores. Spent many hours of boredom in them while my stepfather was avoiding the list of things he needed to repair around the house by supposedly shopping for things he needed to do the list. Euphemisms for it were either shooting the breeze or catching up on the news. Comparing it to gossip would earn hostile responses.
Hardware stores and the local garage. My grandfather was a mechanic in a small town. He’d refer to such manly gatherings as “a meeting of the Liars Club,” with great affection since he was a member in good standing.
@Victorious Parasol:
Barbershops too, I’m told (which brings us back to salons).
I’m fond of the Kids In the Hall sketch in which a small-town barbershop falls into despair when the barber finishes cutting the hair of the local storyteller, who only comes in when his hair needs cutting, and everyone knows they’ll have to wait a few weeks to see him again.
Can somebody call the NTSB? I think we’re looking at a train wreck here.
“Consequences of anal sex”
If you really wanna squick, Rick, consider the consequences of childbirth. Then we can talk.