Need an editor or writing coach? Get in touch with me!
Twitter’s @amerix, a self-professed guru on men’s health, has a lot of advice for men on a wide range of topics, including masturbation (“reckless ejaculation”), older women (“old camels”), carrying a woman’s purse (“treat her bags as a fatal infectious disease like leprosy”), and margarine (the devil’s toast spread).
Unfortunately, he also has some 1.3 million followers, and even if we assume a certain proportion of them are bots or bought, that’s a lot of people absorbing @amerix’s spurts of unwisdom on a regular basis.
I’ve been going through his timeline to collect some of the best (by which I mean worst) bits of advice for you to consider. I feel safe in saying that he’s wrong about every single thing he offers his opinion on–except for that margarine business; butter really is better.
Let’s start with masturbation, something of an obsession for Mr. Amerix. Naturally, he’s a dedicated anti-fapper.
Apparently, ejaculation still counts as reckless even if you do it during sex with a human woman.
And whatever you do, keep that butthole virginal.
He thinks men shouldn’t allow their wives or girlfriends any privacy.
In marriage, man is supposed to be KING.
And he’s always right:
As for those older women, shun them like a disease:
Speaking of old bags, make sure you never ever carry one of hers.
Also, don’t wear cute matching outfits with your woman (?), or check what color sanitary pads (??) she needs.
Try to make sure your woman is not, er, a terrorist. Luckily you can do this with the power of your EYES.
Make sure to protect all of your important holes, and whatever you do, don’t let them get reckless on you.
And always remember: big boys don’t cry. Though punching a hole in the drywall is a-ok.
Make sure not to waste your scrotal potential.
Don’t marry a ho who has slept with more than two dudes before you.
Don’t ask your gay best friend for advice on women, I guess:
Think of your woman as if she’s your daughter because that’s a healthy dynamic for a relationship.
If you’re tempted to call up a sex worker, just get yourself a second wife instead.
Just don’t get one that’s fat.
Irish potatoes are the enemy of all that is holy and good, and also, they make you a fatso.
Don’t buy your lady a salon.
And last but not least: Don’t let her destroy your dream of becoming a chicken farmer.
I’ve got more, but I’m just going to leave it at that; it’s hard to absorb this much wisdom in a short time.
Also, in the course of writing this post I have become a chicken farmer in my apartment, and I need to go tend to some chicks.
Also, I need to convert my stash of Irish potatoes into porcupines before my second wife is tempted to eat one of them.
Being a man is hard work these days, but when I look out on my small army of potato porcupines, I know it’s all worth it.
Follow me on Mastodon.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies on support from you, its readers, to survive. So please donate here if you can, or at David-Futrelle-1 on Venmo.
The only possible advice I took from this– any of this– that has any connection with reality boils down to “Sell your goats in the afternoon, or better, the evening”.
And I don’t have a goat.
I should like to point out to the Western manosphere that you are all in danger, with the possible exception of the more extreme incelosphere, of losing all your fucking loony cred to this guy.
You need to step up your game. Buy chickens, or maybe a goat.
Good Heavens. The level of hooey that this guy produces is unbelievable.
I agree with him on margarine. That shit is terrible for you.
I…I got nothin’.
Even without the long, long proof, I’d consider him something of a piece of shit just for using MLK as his avatar.
@robert- and if you want to BUY a goat, wait until the seller is desperate at the end of the day, to get a bargain!
“Come beat me!”
What? Where did that come from?
I’m guessing from some of the cultural references, e.g. the small business examples, that he’s in Africa, but the specificity of the salon thing… It almost seems as if his last relationship broke up because his gf or wife wanted to start a salon, which threatened his fragile idea of masculinity. When she understandably asked him why that was an issue, they fought and broke up…and now he thinks salons are the problem.
That’s my headcanon, anyway.
@epitome:
Following that chain of thought– which seems plausible– he wanted to start a chicken farm, I suspect.
This explains much. Except why, because I have raised chickens, and they are far, far more of a hassle than any salon ever could be. Psychotic little beggars…
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FuPbL6CWIAEggUt?format=jpg&name=small
Amerix, those aren’t Irish potatoes. They’re Yukon Gold potatoes, developed in Canada. How can I trust the so-called wisdom of a man who makes this kind of careless blunder?
Leaving aside all the other obvious wrongness here, this guy’s posts are riddled with factual errors.
For instance, Onan was condemned for, essentially, refusing a contractual obligation (to impregnate his dead brother’s widow).
Some fraction of women don’t easily reach orgasm without that sort of stimulation. It seems to be part of the normal variation among humans. It’s not the result of too much sex, let alone too many distinct partners.
Sounds like fun! Where do I sign up?
He also can’t seem to conceive of a sexual relationship being one of equal partners; he seems to perceive a dichotomy of “either he is KING!!1! or she is emasculating/manipulating/etc. him”.
As for the potato thing, I’m actually wondering if there is something to that.
First of all, there is this:
https://www.theverge.com/2013/9/13/4726722/into-the-wild-author-reveals-chris-mccandless-cause-of-death
Of course, the domesticated variety isn’t supposed to pose the same problem. But then there is my own recent experience with stamina problems.
You see, I think I found a key variable. I had tended to eat potato chips as a snack from time to time, but for whatever reason I’d eventually lose my taste for Lays and switch to Pringles, and then after a few weeks, vice-versa again. Then I spent a while only using Pringles, mainly because they come in compact cylinders that are easier to transport than bulky bags of mostly air, saving a lot of pack space for hauling groceries home.
That’s when my stamina problems began in earnest … and they largely vanished when, for unrelated reasons, I switched back to the Lays brand.
I thought it might be some chemical added in processing that caused the problem, but despite their being physically more processed (into a uniform shape), the ingredients lists revealed that Pringles have fewer additives than Lays, and the only additive they had that’s absent in Lays was easily ruled out as a culprit.
I’m now wondering if the Pringles are problematic because they are less chemically processed. Perhaps they retain a trace toxin that is in domesticated potatoes that is processed out of the Lays. Or it might be they’re made with two different potato breeds, and the breed used for Pringles retains that toxin whereas it was bred out of the one used for Lays.
In any event, this calls the safety of all potato products into question. There is definitely something in Pringles that, in a steady long term exposure, can cause the same sort of weakness that got McCandless in the end.
It wouldn’t be the first time that a food formerly thought safe turned out to cause problems if taken steadily for a long time. The Pleurocybella mushroom is another such (at least for people with impaired kidney and/or liver function).
Hello.
“You can tell if she is a good woman or just a terrorist.”
No middle ground.
Someone had played too much Call of Duty.
And maybe someone is still a very young player of this game, pouring on tweeter what he may have heard online…
Have a nice day.
No wonder he’s so full of shit, with such stringent control of his orifices.
I read this as a guy who faps contantly, visits prositutes, his girlfriend left him because he was controlling and abusive and wouldn’t let her run a nail salon, and his chicken farm idea crashed and burned probably because it was dependent on her money. But this guy really does win incel bingo.
I have a question about the “scrotal potential” from lifting weights: is this just regular weightlifting that somehow benefits the scrotum, or are his followers supposed to lift weights WITH their scrotums?
“Licks vagina”?!!
This sounds like someone who doesn’t know what a vagina is.
@Battering Lamb:
It sounds like at some point he wasn’t in such control of said orifices, and maybe it ruined his relationship.
Maybe she mentioned these problems at the salon she owned? And then others rightly told her to break up with someone who doesn’t have control over his orifices?
Onan’s sin wasn’t masturbation, it was refusing to give his brother’s widow a child as the law required
“and when you meet a woman,
Look at her directly in her eyes.
The confidence in your eyes when you look at her will penetrate into her soul.
This will melt her soul.”
Or cause her to arch an eyebrow before she breaks out in derisive laughter.
I mean, hey, that would be my go to.
@Nicholas Kiddle:
I have a question about the “scrotal potential” from lifting weights: is this just regular weightlifting that somehow benefits the scrotum, or are his followers supposed to lift weights WITH their scrotums?
The latter is apparently a thing in Shaolin Kung Fu training. (Warning: the following is borderline NSFW and may be difficult viewing for Mammotheers with outside plumbing.)
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3vjwgm
The weirdest thing about this is it actually happened.
I can’t decide if “Scrotal Potential” or “Old Camels” is a better name for my all woman/trans/enby punk band.
@Vim876:
How about “Old Potential Camel Scrotums”?