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Twitter’s @amerix, a self-professed guru on men’s health, has a lot of advice for men on a wide range of topics, including masturbation (“reckless ejaculation”), older women (“old camels”), carrying a woman’s purse (“treat her bags as a fatal infectious disease like leprosy”), and margarine (the devil’s toast spread).
Unfortunately, he also has some 1.3 million followers, and even if we assume a certain proportion of them are bots or bought, that’s a lot of people absorbing @amerix’s spurts of unwisdom on a regular basis.
I’ve been going through his timeline to collect some of the best (by which I mean worst) bits of advice for you to consider. I feel safe in saying that he’s wrong about every single thing he offers his opinion on–except for that margarine business; butter really is better.
Let’s start with masturbation, something of an obsession for Mr. Amerix. Naturally, he’s a dedicated anti-fapper.
Apparently, ejaculation still counts as reckless even if you do it during sex with a human woman.
And whatever you do, keep that butthole virginal.
He thinks men shouldn’t allow their wives or girlfriends any privacy.
In marriage, man is supposed to be KING.
And he’s always right:
As for those older women, shun them like a disease:
Speaking of old bags, make sure you never ever carry one of hers.
Also, don’t wear cute matching outfits with your woman (?), or check what color sanitary pads (??) she needs.
Try to make sure your woman is not, er, a terrorist. Luckily you can do this with the power of your EYES.
Make sure to protect all of your important holes, and whatever you do, don’t let them get reckless on you.
And always remember: big boys don’t cry. Though punching a hole in the drywall is a-ok.
Make sure not to waste your scrotal potential.
Don’t marry a ho who has slept with more than two dudes before you.
Don’t ask your gay best friend for advice on women, I guess:
Think of your woman as if she’s your daughter because that’s a healthy dynamic for a relationship.
If you’re tempted to call up a sex worker, just get yourself a second wife instead.
Just don’t get one that’s fat.
Irish potatoes are the enemy of all that is holy and good, and also, they make you a fatso.
Don’t buy your lady a salon.
And last but not least: Don’t let her destroy your dream of becoming a chicken farmer.
I’ve got more, but I’m just going to leave it at that; it’s hard to absorb this much wisdom in a short time.
Also, in the course of writing this post I have become a chicken farmer in my apartment, and I need to go tend to some chicks.
Also, I need to convert my stash of Irish potatoes into porcupines before my second wife is tempted to eat one of them.
Being a man is hard work these days, but when I look out on my small army of potato porcupines, I know it’s all worth it.
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All I can say to that is: Yikes! So much wronger than wrong, it’s not even wrong!
@Ajax the Great:
All I can say to that is: Yikes! So much wronger than wrong, it’s not even wrong!
The term I like is “fractally wrong.”
“They fear their wives will abandon them if they ejaculate”?!?!
I thought women liked it when men could control that so that she has time to orgasm?
“Ovary body type” ?!?!
Who else here went to this guy’s website. He’s posing as an actual health professional and charging people money for services like management for Type 2 Diabetes and Hypertension.
https://www.amerix.co.ke/
Epitome of Incomprehensibility, you’re right. He’s in Kenya. His website charges in KES for his “medical services”.
@FMOx: Exactly what I was thinking. Wrongness repeated, all the way down/up to infinity, wherever you look.
Did you see “Powers of Ten” in school? It blew my pubescent mind.
@ gss ex-noob
You and Homer Simpson.
@Alan Robertshaw:
Did you mean to link a CAPTCHA box, or is something glitching?
@ FMO
Should be a YouTube vid
‘Simpsons Power of Ten’ if it’s still blocked the you are.
It was a Simpsons clip yesterday, but today it’s been replaced with a vid labeled “The Kids in the Hall – S01E11”.
Weird.
@Alan: I’d forgotten that… there are so many Simpsons episodes. I remembered it when I saw Kang and Kodos flailing around their broken ship.
… And now it’s back the way it was.
@GSS ex-noob:
Kang and Kodos?
Closest match I get for them is Star Trek, but the Kang and Kodos in Star Trek wouldn’t have had any association with each other (despite both being war criminals, or at least in Kang’s case a known associate of war criminals (Kor … and why is Kor treated as respectable by, among others, Dax, 80 years after ordering civilians massacred and other horrific acts? Oh, nevermind, that’s all too realistic given how Kissinger is treated as respectable by a lot of people, even outside of the sorts who proudly wear “Pinochet did nothing wrong” T-shirts)).
Next nearest match is Kang and MODOK, who do have an association with each other.
The two aliens in the Simpsons clip don’t look anything like any of those four, though; in particular, Marvel’s Kang and Star Trek’s Kodos are human, and the other two are a Klingon and a Terminator-like cyborg. Are they really supposed to be one or the other pair?
(If, as is generally supposed, Star Trek’s Klingons are Russians with the serial numbers filed off, then Star Trek’s plot lines are disturbingly prescient. A DS9 episode had the now-nominally-allied Klingons invade Cardassia and get into a skirmish with the Federation in doing so, which is awfully reminiscent of the Ukraine thing. And the future shown in All Good Things indicates that the Federation is eventually at war with them again … if that’s as accurate a prediction as the DS9 episode proved to be, then we might indeed be on the verge of World War 3.)
… And now it’s back to that Kids in the Hall thing.
@ Surplus to Requirements
I haven’t really watched the Simpsons, but as far as I am aware the characters are not intended to be related to anything else. Not like Star Trek has sole use of the names.
As far as DS9 and reflections of reality go, I keep on turning over Sisko’s father’s arc in the episodes about the Changeling threat on Earth. The whole security measures against the Founders smacks of our activities IRL. Armed guards in the streets, using all manner of technology to test people, etc. Could even be interpreted as pertaining to anti-COVID measures, in a negative light no less
@Doubles Trini Roti:
“Ovary body type” ?!?!
You’ve come in later, but that references a dietary system that postulates that every human constitution is governed by a particular organ, characterized by a recognizable body type; the Ovarian phenotype is curvaceous and bottom-heavy, with a tendency to put on fat in the hips, thighs, and rump.
@FM Ox: Which is weird, because I know several men who put on fat in that exact pattern, and AFAIK, they all have 2 functioning testicles.
(I haven’t asked, because DUH.)
Full Metal Ox,
I just googled it and found this;
They describe it as a “problem” even though it often occurs during necessary (healthy) hormonal changes. So a natural female occurrence is considered “problematic”.
Speaking of ovaries:
Doubles Trini Roti:
And here’s a little girl with Down syndrome getting the Period Talk from her family:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PCP-68JKHSQ
YouTuber and OB/GYN Mama Doctor Jones provided a rather excellent discussion of the Disney menstruation video: