“Women want you to retain your semen, nothing more,” jizz-hoarding guru explains

They come runnin’ just as fast as they can cause every girl is crazy ’bout a semen-retaining man

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So my post last week about brains floating in semen got me thinking again about one of my old obsessions, the Semen Retention subreddit. And so I took my first peek into that strange place in a very long time, and it wasn’t long before I discovered an 1100-word manifesto on the subject of semen retention and female nature, so I thought I would share it with you. Not the whole thing; I’m no sadist. But some selected portions.

One thing about semen retainers: they fervently believe that, in semen retention, they’ve not only discovered the key to the universe; they’ve also discovered the key to understanding the universe. It goes without saying that semen retainers think they understand male nature. But they’re also convinced that they understand the ever-elusive female nature as well. “The only pathway to understand what a female is is through the mastery of semen,” theuniverseitselff writes.

So what, then, do women want? They want semen retainers. That is men who not only never masturbate or have nocturnal emissions but who also won’t ever have sex with them because they need to retain their precious bodily fluids at all costs. It may seem slightly counterintuitive to us mere semem-spillers, but this is what all women secretly want–more than love, more than sex.

Women want you to retain your semen, nothing more. After that, you can treat her like shit, she’ll take it. She’ll love you for it. After all you are sacrificing your very life for her, although if you are smart you won’t have sex with her.

Because what could be more pure and perfect than a sexless relationship?

Consider the plight of the man who doesn’t carefully hoard his jizz:

That man will enter relationships without having any authority or say in it whatsoever, that man is inferior to women. If women procreate with him, it will only be because they haven’t had any access to a retainer. Most advanced retainers know, they just know, how disloyal women can be when confronted with a real retainer. If the man she’s with doesn’t know anything about semen and lost his edge long ago by having too much sex with her, and the woman is next to a real life retainer, that woman is in danger. Or can be, because it’s not like a retainer would be interested on her anyway

Theuniverseitselff has a little story about one woman who was utterly entranced by his semen-retaining ways.

I remember this one woman, she HAD to make me fall for her, all she did was try to seduce me and give me gifts all the time, that’s how uncommon a retainer is. And all I had to do in return was… Nothing. Just lay down and enjoy the show. All because I retained my semen and I also understood female nature. It’s a dangerous game though. Obviously I don’t care anymore, I’m passed that ego point …

No woman is special, you are special. Men do not chase women, women chase men. Female nature will be destructive for most men including retainers. There is nothing to gain from women, this should be always clear.

So yes, the idea behind semen retention is to do this difficult thing in order to, among other things, make yourself irresistible to women. But you probably don’t want to actually be with a woman because there’s a chance she’ll seduce you into giving up a small portion of this magical fluid, and then you won’t be a semen retainer anymore, and she’ll probably dump you for the first semen retainer who walks by. This might seem like a bit of a catch-22, but really it is just part of the mysterious and mystical power of semen.

So, there you have it. Your life’s purpose? Semen retention. The key to understanding women? Semen retention. The answer to all your questions? You guessed it, semen retention.

You gotta give semen retainers credit for one thing: their minds are focused. Unfortunately, they’re focused entirely on semen, and I’m not sure that’s really the best thing to be focused on.