Check out my new blog, My AI Obsession, and my latest post, Jesus on an iPhone
So my post last week about brains floating in semen got me thinking again about one of my old obsessions, the Semen Retention subreddit. And so I took my first peek into that strange place in a very long time, and it wasn’t long before I discovered an 1100-word manifesto on the subject of semen retention and female nature, so I thought I would share it with you. Not the whole thing; I’m no sadist. But some selected portions.
One thing about semen retainers: they fervently believe that, in semen retention, they’ve not only discovered the key to the universe; they’ve also discovered the key to understanding the universe. It goes without saying that semen retainers think they understand male nature. But they’re also convinced that they understand the ever-elusive female nature as well. “The only pathway to understand what a female is is through the mastery of semen,” theuniverseitselff writes.
So what, then, do women want? They want semen retainers. That is men who not only never masturbate or have nocturnal emissions but who also won’t ever have sex with them because they need to retain their precious bodily fluids at all costs. It may seem slightly counterintuitive to us mere semem-spillers, but this is what all women secretly want–more than love, more than sex.
Women want you to retain your semen, nothing more. After that, you can treat her like shit, she’ll take it. She’ll love you for it. After all you are sacrificing your very life for her, although if you are smart you won’t have sex with her.
Because what could be more pure and perfect than a sexless relationship?
Consider the plight of the man who doesn’t carefully hoard his jizz:
That man will enter relationships without having any authority or say in it whatsoever, that man is inferior to women. If women procreate with him, it will only be because they haven’t had any access to a retainer. Most advanced retainers know, they just know, how disloyal women can be when confronted with a real retainer. If the man she’s with doesn’t know anything about semen and lost his edge long ago by having too much sex with her, and the woman is next to a real life retainer, that woman is in danger. Or can be, because it’s not like a retainer would be interested on her anyway
Theuniverseitselff has a little story about one woman who was utterly entranced by his semen-retaining ways.
I remember this one woman, she HAD to make me fall for her, all she did was try to seduce me and give me gifts all the time, that’s how uncommon a retainer is. And all I had to do in return was… Nothing. Just lay down and enjoy the show. All because I retained my semen and I also understood female nature. It’s a dangerous game though. Obviously I don’t care anymore, I’m passed that ego point …
No woman is special, you are special. Men do not chase women, women chase men. Female nature will be destructive for most men including retainers. There is nothing to gain from women, this should be always clear.
So yes, the idea behind semen retention is to do this difficult thing in order to, among other things, make yourself irresistible to women. But you probably don’t want to actually be with a woman because there’s a chance she’ll seduce you into giving up a small portion of this magical fluid, and then you won’t be a semen retainer anymore, and she’ll probably dump you for the first semen retainer who walks by. This might seem like a bit of a catch-22, but really it is just part of the mysterious and mystical power of semen.
So, there you have it. Your life’s purpose? Semen retention. The key to understanding women? Semen retention. The answer to all your questions? You guessed it, semen retention.
You gotta give semen retainers credit for one thing: their minds are focused. Unfortunately, they’re focused entirely on semen, and I’m not sure that’s really the best thing to be focused on.
Follow me on Mastodon.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies on support from you, its readers, to survive. So please donate here if you can, or at David-Futrelle-1 on Venmo.
Well that’s a new-to-me way to eliminate the human race.
“I want to be miserable, smug, and never have sexual release. Why? So I can die childless and most likely early of prostate and/or testicular cancer.” ~Words spoken by someone whose misogyny has overridden the need to reproduce.
Also it’s going to be ironic, if these guys are actually managing to keep this stupidity up. In not too long we’ll start hearing horror stories. Ones of the woes of these ‘retainers’ having to have double orchidectomies, because of testicular cancer. So that they can’t be ‘retainers’ anymore. You know, due to not have the organs that produce semen anymore. Yet, I’ll bet that they’ll spin that it’s some devious plot by ‘coomers’, or ‘semen-spillers’ to sabotage them. Which will be pretty depressing, sad, and pathetic, but also hilarious in its own way.
Correction said semen, meant to say sperm.
5 bucks they do participate in jerking off but refuse to tell other no fappers about it.
I’m ace and sex-repulsed (please don’t judge me) so I guess I’d be OK with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me. On the other hand, he seems to really despise women and that’s a red flag. I wouldn’t even think of dating him.
Even aces are not attracted to them.
@ happy cat
No one here, I think, would judge you for being sex-repulsed. I’m aromantic and I’m possibly sex repulsed, but I can’t differentiate between my autistic ick for physical touch unless I know someone really well and being overwhelmed by too much sensation, and being repulsed by the whole concept of sex. I might just be grey-ace and need to know someone really well before I feel comfortable with that sort of stuff.
Re OP
Semen retention seems to lead to disordered thinking and irrational fears of everyone, but especially women. Or perhaps, misogyny results in being interested in seman retention groups and believing ridiculous things. So hard to choose.
In a different century, these guys would be hermits, or those guys who sat on poles.
I was gonna post a comment along the lines of “Don’t these guys know that it’s actually impossible to retain semen for any great length of time because your body just reabsorbs it anyway?” but then I Googled it and discovered multiple “Semen reabsorption is a myth!” posts from no-fappers and realized that their way to avoid inconvenient truths is to deny them altogether.
I didn’t know that General Ripper was a real person. Hopefully, Theuniverseitselff doesn’t have a squad of bombers at his command.
Because they would prefer to procreate with a retainer? Wouldn’t that pose a few logistical problems?
@Nicholas Kiddle:
Because they would prefer to procreate with a retainer? Wouldn’t that pose a few logistical problems?
Since oral sex isn’t generally how human reproduction is effected, the only obstacle orthodontics (on either the begetting or conceiving partner) should pose is cosmetic.
Well, that’s… a concept.
Please imagine I have taken the above rant excerpts to be festooned with a lot of “Sure, Jan”.
@Natsume: We are inevitably going to see that whine. I will laugh. (at the whine, not the cancer)
@happy cat: Even women who DGAF about sex aren’t interested in them. NO ONE is interested in them. Them not procreating is a bonus for the human race. You and me not procreating is whatevs (We are a no-judgement zone here at WHTM).
@Oogly: Not taking that bet. But as long as a woman isn’t around, I guess that counts to them.
@Nicholas: Shh. Facts only confuse them.
@FM Ox: Took me a second but I finally got it. LOL. I quit wearing my retainer the day I got married. Which was probably not good for my teeth (they’ve drifted since), but damn if I was going on a honeymoon and running my own household with my retainer.
Will great artists of the present or future create works lauding the lives – not that anyone not insane or simply inane would call it “life” – of these pitiful, self-loathing, lonely creeps as artists in Christian culture did to, for example, St. Antony?
My mind quakes in terror and disgust at even the thought that might be possible.
How sick and pitiful and sad and ridiculous. And horrid.
As you may already know, Fox News threw the towel in in that defamation lawsuit.
They will pay Dominion (the makers of the voting machines) $787.5 million. The judgment will state that the allegations were false. The relevant presenters though are not required to do a mea culpa on air.
Weirdly, someone predicted this would happen on the basis that they saw Dominion’s lawyers had changed into jeans.
@Kieta Zou:
Will great artists of the present or future create works lauding the lives – not that anyone not insane or simply inane would call it “life” – of these pitiful, self-loathing, lonely creeps as artists in Christian culture did to, for example, St. Antony?
Hint: Whatever inner torments may have driven him, Saint Anthony at least was capable of focusing on something beyond himself.
Were these guys related to Gen. Jack D. Ripper from DR. STRANGELOVE?
Let’s be fair to the guy. I’m sure he came to this conclusion after extensive study: ie., he asked a number of women for sex and every one of them said they really REALLY wanted him to retain his semen.
I prefer a penis having person who doesn’t ejaculate to one who threatens to ejaculate on my face or rape me. But since everything else about the no-fap crew is awful, I’ll pass on the whole lot of them.
OT: Elon Musk is King Incel, apparently. If he read We Hunted the Mammoth, his head might explode.
https://www.wonkette.com/tucker-elon-musk-interview-abortion-birth-control
Here’s a reminder that men who are interested only in emitting semen and talk or write about nothing else are also pretty tiresome.
The BBC has just released pictures of Jinx Monsoon’s Dr Who character in costume.
I’ve been hearing rumours for a while the series might bring back the Celestial Toymaker, I wonder if that’s her?
If this was Batman, I’d think “Music Meister”. If Dick Tracy, then 88 Keys. There’s obviously a piano motif in both costume and pose.
Whatever, the character looks like fun.
(I don’t know how this led me to an hour-long Sondheim binge-surf, but that’s good too.)
@GSS ex-noob:
If this was Batman, I’d think “Music Meister”. If Dick Tracy, then 88 Keys. There’s obviously a piano motif in both costume and pose.
The 5,000 Fingers of Dr T.! (A hardy perennial in the “Did I hallucinate this weird-ass childhood movie?” category, Boomer Edition; a lot of commenters think it anticipated Tim Burton.)
The character is described as “the doctor’s most powerful enemy yet”.
That seems to imply it’s a new character. Who knows though with RTD. He does like to mislead the fans. Which is all part of the fun.