Straight cis guys have a lot of theories about female breasts, many of which they are happy to explain at length online, even without being asked. Unfortunately some of these theories are incorrect, sometimes wildly so. Here are six that don’t pass the truth test.
Boobs are just sexy treats for straight dudes and serve no other function.
From r/NotHowGirlsWork and r/BadWomensAnatomy
Breast reduction surgery is misandry.
Found on r/NotHowGirlsWork
Breastfeeding girls makes them lesbians.
From r/facepalm
Breast milk is basically the same as pee; real milk comes from cows.
From r/facepalm
Breastfeeding is child molestation.
From r/facepalm
Breastfeeding transfers all your sins to your baby, while baby formula is basically “the Christ of baby drinks.”
From r/BadWomensAnatomy
Follow me on Mastodon.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies on support from you, its readers, to survive. So please donate here if you can, or at David-Futrelle-1 on Venmo.
Scandinavian raiders, after their daily quaff of goat’s milk:
“This is fine. Just as long as we remember that it’s not really milk, since milk comes from cows.”
(Somebody or other nods deeply and adds:
“Ymir was nursed on the milk of Audhulma; that’s how he got so big. Please notice, my brothers, that Audhulma was a cow, and not a nanny goat.”
At which the circle of listeners nods even more deeply in token of their profound understanding. A few of them may or may not join in a chorus of “ah”s.)
Sheep herders in the Swiss Alps? “This milk from the ewe is very nutritious, so much so in fact that we have to remind ourselves that it’s not really milk; we have to go down into the valleys for that, as it’s very well known that real milk comes from cows.”
(Somebody’s ambitious nephew takes energetic notes, and promises himself that that he’ll devote his thesis to the subject once he makes it out of the hills and down to Heidelberg.)
The moral of the story? Milk may come from cows, but bull can come from men. So much for the reality of milk. (An even more pressing question is that of the hyperreality of formula, but that’s another issue to be saved for another day.)
I have some bad news for this person re: cows having bodies and milk being a fluid that comes from them.
Also I’m very concerned for both the children and the partner of the person who considers breastfeeding to be a sexual act.
I know that Xians are this dumb and ignorant – and proud about both of these things – but it’s sobering more than I ever wanted to be sober that every religion has people this dumb, ignorant and arrogant (and I’m not talking “traditional folk” ignorance here).
It’s not that they’re wrong, but that they not only have no intention of learning differently, but wish to see their no-assed opinions written into law, just “Because!”
…and this is what happens when fetishization of breasts continues for… yikes, how many years now? It really kicked off post-WW2, yes? *sigh*
https://youtu.be/LrKMJ8u94gc?t=82
[Ironic for a couple of reasons though: 1) the speech Terry-Thomas is giving before this sounds like an unusually erudite MRA; 2) this predates Benny Hill…]
@kietazou
I just wish sometimes that their dumbness was way more innocent. “We kiss and hold hands all the time, how is she not pregnant?”
The last one reads like a parody, but it’s hard to tell sometimes.
The others – I wish, but I don’t think so.
Look, I both have boobs and find them attractive on others. I found Rammstein’s “Dicke Titten” amusing (the message: “I like big boobs and I cannot lie,” basically). But saying breasts are just there to be sexy? Really??
Oh yes, and people have been shamed both for breastfeeding and not breastfeeding their babies – another example of “women can’t do anything right” (like with wearing or not wearing makeup).
Listen, dumbass, even the PLATYPUS produces milk, and those critters hatch from eggs. They are extremely not cows.
@ gss ex-noob
The platypus is the only animal that produces both milk and eggs. They’re basically organic custard machines.
I can believe this, after the time I had an argument with my male boss where he insisted breasts were sexual organs.
@Angie:
You know, I suddenly think I understand the problem here. When people think “sexual organs” they’re conflating “sex organs” with “sexualized organs” because they don’t know the difference.
Any organ can theoretically be sexualized, though some western societies put particular emphasis on breasts and penises. Meanwhile the only true sex organs are ovaries, testes, and possibly uteri depending on how you define it.
@Alan Robertshaw:
The platypus is the only animal that produces both milk and eggs. They’re basically organic custard machines.
Pigeon erasure! (Unless their nourishing crop discharge doesn’t qualify as milk milk, but platypuses don’t have recourse to mammary glands either.)
(Not to be confused with this Polish confection: https://www.atlasobscura.com/foods/birds-milk-chocolate)
Flamingoes also produce crop milk! Theirs is bright red and the colour is leached out of the parents’ feathers, because flamingoes are dramatic and metal as hell.
Apparently emperor penguins, but possibly just the dads, can produce crop milk in an emergency (i.e. the egg hatches before Mom gets back from fishing).
I want to hunt each one of these morons down and smack them upside the head with a big fish.
That “breastfeeding daughters is wrong, breastfeading sons is right” one. I know Freud usually isn’t taken seriously anymore, but it’s starting to feel like he could explain a lot about the people usually featured here.
Oddly enough, in Finnish “bird’s milk” is a quaint metaphor to describe something (usually water) as balmy and nice in temperature. I have no idea how it originated, and whether someone knew about pigeon milk.
@Snowberry
And which organs get serialized varies so much. I get turned on by voices, that does not make the voice box a sex organ.
@ emw
I like your style.
Unless that’s in breach of the comments policy in which case, oi watch it.