You may be familiar with the “How Do You Open” meme on Twitter. A “dating coach” will post a picture of a young, conventionally attractive woman and ask their male followers how they would “open” her in real life — that is, what would be their opening gambit if they wanted to seduce her with maximum efficiency.
Here, some examples.
The replies to these sorts of Tweets tend to be a mixture of earnest (and highly cringeworthy) attempts at pickuppery and tweets mocking the hell out of the premise
But what if the young women in the pictures were women that it might not be such a great idea to talk to, much less “seduce.”
Feel free to provide your own “openings” of these bad girls in the replies on Twitter or the comments here. I might add some more as they come to me. What other bad girls of history deserve their own “how do you open” tweet?
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@ Vicky P
The thing with galleries is that there is nothing so completely out there you could say that someone hasn’t said unironically. But that’s one of the things I love. It’s all so subjective.
I do sometimes like to do the thing of staring at a radiator or something for ages with my hand on my chin, nodding and muttering “Magnificent. So sublime.” and seeing if anyone says anything. Not so far.
Mind you, I am quite happy to stand in a gallery looking like this.
In case anyone is curious about the actual installation…
https://artuk.org/discover/stories/petrit-halilaj-transforming-trauma-into-visual-narratives
@cripdyke Cold are the counsels of women.
How about this hot Goth chick, seriously men who hate women, what could go wrong? (Lisbeth Salander)
https://www.denofgeek.com/culture/noomi-rapace-on-leaving-the-girl-with-the-dragon-tattoo-behind/
@David, after gestures at everything, I needed these for a good laugh.
I hope the usual suspects who do the mocking enjoy these too.
Also, kudos to the folks here with their funnies.
You’ve been asked to corral some livestock. How do you pen?
@Crip Dyke: The people of Kyiv have never been easily conquered.
You are presented with a cubic puzzle-box, and told that the box is yours – it always was – and that solving it will bring you what you seek.
You sometimes think you hear the sound of skin being caressed by razors.
How do you open?
You have been evacuated from London to a country house owned by a professor. You have been told to stay out of the housekeeper’s way when she’s giving a tour. You and your three siblings are caught unawares one day and have to rush ahead of the sightseers, ending up in an unremarkable room in which stands a tall wardrobe made out of apple wood.
How do you open?
You are the son of the devil. You need to inspire the Rube Goldsbergish deaths of everyone who stands in your way so one day you can become President.
How do you Omen?
You’re chilling on the heath when you meet this set of three, who call themselves the Weird Sisters. They certainly have a sense of the dramatic. But are they actual sisters? Or a theater troupe? It’s unclear but also irrelevant to a dynamic man of the world such as yourself.
How do you open?*
*Apologies for the duplication of the graphic.
You are trying to stay out of view of some bandits, but you’re also curious as to what they’re up to. As you watch, they haul their clearly ill-gotten loot up to the side of a mountain, murmur a word, and… how did it open?!
You are asked to organise a golf tournament where amateur players have an opportunity to compete with professionals by means of a series of preliminary knock out tournaments.
How do you The Open?
The fucking answer to all of this is:
Don’t open. Be handsome and gorgeous or go the fuck away.
If we think you’re handsome and gorgeous still don’t open. Instead shut up and listen to me and do what I tell you.
No worries. There’s lots of conversations with your clothes on and with me being understanding so you learn what we want and get to be creative too.
Then it gets harsher yet more exciting too. AND! By time you get before the Goddess you will know what to do because I will have trained you.
So. Shut up about “opening”.
After a successful Trinity test you become death, the destroyer of worlds.
How do you Oppenheimer.
You see a young woman with a pulse rifle watching very closely an Alien Queen. (Spoiler. Could be Ripley or Private Vasquez). How do you open ?
“Hey Vasquez,you ever been mistaken for a man before?”
You are a French-owned energy company operating in a country *cough*UK*cough* where they’ve just doubled the price-cap, OR you are a French Canadian who’s caught sight of some seriously cut-price goods on sale. You could even be a francophone wandering in the desert and coming across a seemingly miraculous source of sustenance. How do you aubaine?
https://www1.flightrising.com/dragon/10
You see this undead-looking gal working over her various bubbling stinky brews and rotting sinkholes, cooking up new diseases to cull the weak from the strong. How do you open?
(Sorry; couldn’t get this image to appear correctly under the spoiler tag.)
https://pathfinder.fandom.com/wiki/Sorshen
You see this woman brutally slaughtering thousands to power the Everdawn Pool. How do you open?
Yeah, pathfinder villain… I’m a huge nerd.
Hilarious!