So here are a few little tales I found on Reddit that sound like they were directed by M. Night Shyamalan ; you’ll want to read them until their ends, as that’s where the real magic happens.
First, a 4chan anon turns a rom-com into a horror movie.
This kind fellow worked so hard, didn’t even get a handjob out of it.
This helpful and reassuring fellow has an unexpected question.
Well, maybe not THAT unexpected.
Anyway, ladies feel free to email this guy anytime.
This one quickly descends into chaos:
BuT GIrLs hAvE iT So EasY oN DaTing SiTeS!
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I hate NiceGuys so much. I love their tears though.
Yes I have a minimum height rule. I hope that makes some entitled jerk miserable.
The word is would’ve. Also, the other word is thrown.
I like incipient serial killers to use the correct punctuation and correct tense in their communications.
@ kat
@Alan Robertshaw:
Wow, that is *totally* me (though, I hope, I’d call the police 1st and photograph the original before editing).
@ TyrantBitchGoddessStacey: hey, we all have our standards. Good on you for knowing (& sticking to) yours.
@Alan Robertshaw
Grate mindz thinkk allike.
@ObSidJag
Thank you.
My primary rule with guys: my orgasm gets priority. That means being tall, ripped, handsome are the prerequisites. Creative, artistic, genuine, open-minded, loving and unconventional are the requirements. Then comes training and then the enjoyment.
Yes I absolutely enforce my standards, whip in hand.
@ obsidjag
Heh. I have a bit of a thing that it’s sort of intrusive to try to figure out an artist or creator’s original ideas or drafts. Like, they should be allowed to decide what’s the finished product that they want to make public. I’ve had this discussion with my art historian friends. They’ll x ray paintings to see how they were constructed and modified. I love finding out about all that, but at the same time I feel like we’re almost snooping on their private inner thoughts.
So if the police wanted to see the original I’d probably be “No! This is going to be Go Set A Watchman all over again!”
@ stacey
Hi! Lovely to see you back again.
@Alan
Thanks– same
The self-awareness (or lack there of) in these posts is staggering. I knew it wasn’t their strong point, but some of these take that to a new level.
Oh, by all means. What is the context? Because the context I see (walking alone with her at night) makes the “joke” worse. Also, what is the joke? “Haha, I could rape you”? I don’t get it. Is it supposedly clear that you wouldn’t do that, and that is supposed to make it funny? Well, you brought it up unprompted, so it is apparently something that is on your mind consistently enough to completely muddle any notion that it’s clear you wouldn’t do that.
But it’s likely I’m giving the OP too much credit. In certain circles ‘taken out of context’ is a thought-terminating cliche rather than a prelude to an actual explanation.
@ battering lamb
There’s an interview with Tony Lambrianou, a former Kray twins associate. The interviewer brought up an occasion where Mr Lambrianou had nailed someone to a warehouse floor.
“That incident has been taken totally out of context.”
@ Alan Robertshaw:
Did he then go on to talk about Spiny Norman?
@ Alan Robertshaw
LOL, love the hedgehog meme!
Dinsdale!!
well these are a whole *ssload of yikes.
The only thing Iike about reading them is it gives me a grain of hope I might actually have a shot in the dating world when I’m ready, simply by virtue of behaving like a normal person and not like a serial killer.
The college campus one is terrifying! I’m very glad the woman got away, and I hope against hope that the creep never actually gets his hands on someone. WTF.
@Seth S
I had some luck with Lex, a classifieds app for… basically everyone who isn’t a cis dude. Though really I found more friends than dates there. The app is kinda garbage unfortunately, but aside from the occasional “sugar mom seeking…” spam, I found it a lot less hostile than e.g. OKCupid.
@Cyborgette – agree completely here:
Even if he was really meaning to joke or to “flirt,” who the fuck says that to a stranger? Especially one who’s alone at night??
And I’ve had friends when I was younger who did use morbid jokes like that, but only when they already knew each other well. But that’s not necessarily a great plan either. Joking about sexual assault can be disturbing to someone who overhears.
Plus, sometimes people do it to be obnoxious even if they aren’t creepily hitting on you. Case in point, something said to me a few years ago:
The other one: “I don’t know, let’s rape somebody!”
Then they both looked at me and laughed. The implication likely being,
a) it’s funny because she’s going to think we mean her and freak out!
b) it’s funny because we don’t find her physically attractive!
And I felt so angry. I hated that I felt so angry. But all I did was turn around and mutter “fuck off” when they were too far away to hear.
In a way, it was good it was me and not someone else. They could have said it in front of someone who actually suffered that. My problem was just anxiety from having anger problems in the past.
@epitome, wow that is awful, I’m so sorry that happened. Your anger was normal and appropriate. And it’s so disgusting how young boys learn to do this stuff – it makes me furious TBH. They should be terrified and ashamed to talk like that to or about anyone, at all, ever.
@Epitome: Sorry to hear that, that sounds really awful. And yes, who the hell does that?
1st one’s obviously a joke, others might be legit. Work on your funnybone instead of growing bigger manboobz, David.
@Squack, if that first one is “obviously a joke” perhaps you could explain what’s funny about it? Jokes are supposed to be funny, right?
@ squack
Unfortunately, that first one is all too plausible. Even on platforms like LinkedIn, I’ve seen people complain that they’ve made such comments and faced a negative reaction (often in an HR way). Their usual defence is ‘why can’t women take a joke?’; or a phrase that’s annoyingly common here ‘It’s just bantz’.
So I think it is appropriate for David to post and comment as he has.
Incidentally, if you accept the rest are genuine, why single out the first one as not being?
The posts are all in the same vein so I’m not clear how you distinguish between them.
@Squack
Oh fuck off. If that is a joke, you’d have to be incredibly insulated from reality to tell it or find it funny.
Literally every woman, nonbinary person, or trans man I know has at least one story about being creeped on or threatened by a man. Literally every single one. Rape and harassment aren’t fictions, they’re something we’re forced to live with all the time.
Do you understand how that would make rape jokes not funny at all for us? Or for cis men who actually care about us? Or are you just a sociopath with no concept of caring about others?
@all of you
You don’t find it funny because you haven’t been on chans long enough, nor are you the kind of person to appreciate that sort of humour. You can debate about whether or not it’s funny, but it’s obvious that he’s mocking some of the autists on the chans – the greasy, piss-in-a-jar and never leave your mom’s basement types who have unrealistic, romcom-degree understandings of women that leave them thinking that you can approach a woman as an unattractive channer in the dead of night and not have her freak out on your greasy, socially-inept ass.
For chrissakes, the setup is too perfect. She drops the books, like it’s a perfect meet-cute. Then this dipshit fucks it up by walking over to her with his luminescent, grease-caked ass in the middle of the night and makes some mouth-breather comment about r*ping her, because he’s a fucking channer with the social-skills of a walrus. Acts like he’s too stupid, so he follows her (after he’s already made the uncomfortable r*pe joke) until she’s actually hitting some kind of r*pe-whistle device the campus has installed. He can’t deal with her thinking that he’s going to assault her *after* he’s already threatened to do so, so he runs away. Then, he whines about women being evil.
Total channer self-deprecation, definitely setting it up so he can laugh at all the other anons telling on themselves. You fuckers need to hire someone with actual experience dealing with these sorts to tell who’s joking and who’s not before we get a repeat of the “Over 9000 penises” Oprah Winfrey joke.
If being on the chans results in you finding that funny, then you shouldn’t be on the chans. I have plenty experience with those sorts, and my experience is that the guys who made jokes like that unsurprisingly ended up sexually harassing my friends. The only one with a distorted sense of what is funny vs what is dangerous is you.