So the folks over in the Collapse subreddit — devoted to the allegedly impending end of civilization as we know it — are worried about a danger most people haven’t even heard about: the worldwide drop in fertility.
And they’re not altogether wrong to be worried. Due in part to the prevalence of plastics in our drinking water, scientists suggest, sperm counts have been dropping dramatically. Indeed, if current trends continue, we could be looking at something akin to a Children of Men scenario by midcentury — at least according to the somewhat alarmist articles I’ve read on the subject.
Happily, a Redditor known as DorkHonor has come up with a simple solution to this mess. In a recent discussion of the infertility crisis, Dork notes that
like one fertile dude can impregnate a different woman literally every day. With the help of some scientists, microscope, and a turkey baster they can up that to a hundred easy. You don’t necessarily need a lot of highly fertile men.
When another commenter called collapse2050 points out that it might be hard to find volunteers willing to “serve themselves to men who want to cum in all of them,” Dork offers a more detailed explanation of his plan, which involves not only a turkey baster but also a big bucket of cum.
“That’s easily solvable though,” he tells collapse2050.
Make it a religious ritual. Once a month the local men can get together and cum in a bucket (I know, I know, just hear me out for a second). They mix that a bit. Then any woman who’s having trouble conceiving and wants a child gets a quick turkey baster injection. Nobody knows for sure who the father is, the woman doesn’t have to boink some randos. Everyone is happy. Now obviously they’d have to dress it up a bit, you know. Make it all churchy, our father who art in heaven bless this offering and pass on your blessings to our young women in their time of need, etc, etc. Make it classy. Then the clergy signs off on the whole thing and spends every weekend indoctrinating the faithful so they accept it. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
It’s simple, scalable, and likely to mean windfall profits for the manufacturers of buckets and turkey basters. What’s not to love about this plan — besides everything.
DorkHonor may not have solved the infertility problem. But he might have invented a new porn genre.
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I am not going to recount the story from the set of Ichii the Killer that involves jerking off in a bucket, but it is all I could think of while reading this.
Hey. As far as takes on the supposed fertility problem go (you know, while we still could benefit from a lower global population), this one ain’t bad. It puts the onus on men instead of women, they mention only women who want kids having them, there wasn’t an overt racism in the quotes given… If this is how conservatives dealt with the problem routinely, we actually would be a lot better off.