Today, in “Things That Are 100 Percent Not True,” we have this strange masturbatory fantasy-disguised-as-a-true story from the DatingAdviceForMen subreddit, either written by a sad middle-aged man or three kids in a trenchcoat. (I’m betting the latter.)
So have a seat by the fire and lets listen to WestServerDown as he tells his tall tales of triumph.
“Why don’t any liberals lift weights or do any exercise at all?” he begins.
Have any of you noticed that? They’re all obese balding and weak.
I’m not sure what sort of exercises are good to prevent baldness. I’m thinking none, none exercises.
Liberal “men” are too preoccpied with doing their bing-bing-wahoo child games on their nintendo switches collecting a welfare check,
The only kind of welfare most men can get is food stamps; that’s not really a solid basis for a happy and prosperous life devoted to playing bing-bing-wahoo child games on one’s Nintendo switch.
meanwhile we (conservatives) are busting our butts at work, making families, and living life as god intended.
Huh. Generally speaking, people who are actually Christian, and not just LARPing on social media, don’t forget to capitalize “God.”
Also, the chance that this guy is “making families” is less than zero.
Seriously, I cant describe how pathetic it is. I remember in college (btw it’s a myth that more liberals are college educated)
Sorry, dude, but it’s not a myth that liberals tend to be better educated. you Yeed to fact check your masturbatory fantasies better.
it would be every other week I’d have a chick in my room who was cheating on her melted-candle physique boyfriend.
Yeah that happened.
They just wanted to try being with a real man for once, I suppose. Usually they begged me to f*ck (don’t swear online for moral reasons) them again for subsequent nights,
And then everyone on the bus stood up and cheered.
but I usually declined because I don’t like liberal women (too few showers, too colorful hair, attention seeking, etc), I just wanted to ruin their relationships as a message.
Somehow I doubt that this guy would turn down any woman because her hair was “too colorful,” or growing out of her nose, or whatever.
This was during 2015-2018 so I brazenly wore my MAGA hat in the main quad. So these women knew what I was about. Had to make sure the condom was intact a few times, these women get desperate for the seed of a young conservative man.
And everyone on the bus stood up and cheered again.
It’s just so weird, once these chicks get some decent dick in them they forget all about feminism, LGBT shit, climate change, bernie sanders, whatever, and they mold to you.
In his case, they probably mold and mildew.
It’s obvious that they didn’t have father figures growing up because of how quickly they drop their “values”. Oh and the “men” (lol)?
Basically to get their girlfriends to come over to my place, all I really have to do is bully their boyfriends a little bit. I’ll physically push them, fart in their face, insult them, and let them have it if they try to joke back.
So this guy apparently gets his rocks off by … imagining he’s farting in another man’s face. How do you even position yourself to do that?
If I’m feeling nice I’ll just challenge them on leftist talking points and listen to them sputter and get mad that they can’t beat me logically (unfortunate class attribute of the liberal).
Wait, is Ben Shapiro writing this?
I make myself the alpha of the situation, basically. Not hard to do if you’re not a weak numale.
H/T — r/IncelTear
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I’ll stop the world and mold to you…
If any of this was even remotely true there would probably few fewer stories printed about conservatives who are sad they can’t get dates because of their politics. Unless they made the mistake of not farting in liberal men’s faces.
@Gaebolga–
I think, if he’s professing Christianity, then if he ever meets that concept of God he’s going to find that the deity in question is likely to be less “Good Job not using that one swear word online” and more “We need to have words about your apparent habit of repeated fornication, and frequent adultery. For political purposes yet. Because I never asked anyone to not say ‘fuck’, but I have some pretty strong opinions on doing it.”
And the winner for “Most Cringe in 500 Words Or Less” goes to…
“But you wouldn’t know any of the girls, they live in Canada.”
Pretty sure that any adult man would punch back, as would most adult women. If someone smacked Mr. ex-n, he’d hit back, which would give me time to kick the MRA in the crotch (the Mr. and I have been together since college). Not to mention an adult pushing another person is, what do you call it… assault and battery.
@FMOx: Carrot! Now THAT’s a man worth being with. Who doesn’t bully or allow bullying.
@Nequam: They’re all thumbs with goatees and sunglasses. The RWers who start out in shape run to seed pretty quickly.
@Lollypop: Timothee is so pretty, isn’t he? As are all the Kpop boys, not just BTS. (I love Monsta X. Check out their 2 all-English albums.) Let us not forget ALL of the dreamy singing boys throughout history, who have caused so much squealing.
@Robert Haynie: IIRC, taking the name of the LORD in vain is the only cussing forbidden, but both the Old and New Testaments are seriously against fornication.
@GSS ex-noob
You can add Roger Garth to that list. Not as well known, but just as exquisite.
@Robert Haynie:
@Gaebolga–
I think, if he’s professing Christianity, then if he ever meets that concept of God he’s going to find that the deity in question is likely to be less “Good Job not using that one swear word online” and more “We need to have words about your apparent habit of repeated fornication, and frequent adultery. For political purposes yet. Because I never asked anyone to not say ‘fuck’, but I have some pretty strong opinions on doing it.”
Not to mention that pesky matter of the Ninth Commandment.
I think I just sprained my eye muscles reading that.
Then again, I’m fifty, sterile and overweight, so totally not the kind of chick he’d say would be repeat banging him because of his conservative manly manliness (in his mind). Thank God. I wouldn’t screw him with a stolen vag.
Edit: Not to mention that Mr. Dakry, despite being also fifty and not in peak condition, still stands a quite imposing 6’4″ and despite being one of the kindest and gentlest tempered people I know can also be pretty damned scary when sufficiently angry and/or worked up. Mr. WestServerDown, if he ever put any of his big dominance moves into action outside of his fevered mind (yeah, sure), probably would not like it when Mr. Dakry is angry. Did I mention me being threatened would probably do that? Whoopsie.
@GSS ex-noob. Very few men are as beautiful as TOP, Changmin, Rain, and Minho.
Full Metal Ox:
In Finnish, monkeys and apes are generally called apina or “ape”, but great apes are also often referred to as ihmisapina or “human-ape”, which is what the Librarian insists on. It’s not as basic conceptual distinction as in English, so it comes off as slightly awkward.
Now that I think about it, it’s interesting that the Librarian would insist on “ape” but not specifically on “orangutan”. A human would be likely offended when called a “monkey” because it colloquially implies “not a human” rather than because it implies “not an ape”. The likely explanation both out- and in-universe is that most readers/Ankh-Morpork citizens wouldn’t realistically be able to identify or appreciate the uniqueness of the orangutan among apes, so the Librarian has settled his identity pedantry on a more basic, more relevant level.
@Lumipuna:
Ah—it sounds as if ihmisapina more or less corresponds to the (now dated and more cumbersome) English term “anthropoid apes” (the preferred term has become “hominid”): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hominidae
I misremembered. According to the Finnish Wiki, ihmisapina refers to all apes (superfamily Hominoidea, gibbons + great apes) while great ape is iso ihmisapina (literally “big human-ape”).
@Cyborgette: My goodness, Roger is so beautiful! Definitely swoon-worthy. When I searched for him, Google also thought I might be interested in Keanu Reeves, who really has aged so well and is still pretty. Also still ridiculously hot is Rain.
None of those men has ever had to insult or assault other men to get all the women they want, I’ll bet (Even if Keanu does know kung fu).
I have a friend who still loves David Cassidy.
@Lumipuna
The colloquial use I’ve lived with is that apina is used for both ape (ihmisapina) and monkey (häntäapina). I’ve always thought that people mostly assume “monkey” if you just say apina, and so thought that the Librarian would have insisted on everyone knowing he’s an ape because of that, so thanks for the info.
Masse Mysteria:
That’s what I meant – but it’s a bit of a stretch. In English, it’s more clear because apes are colloquially not monkeys at all, in the same way that human are not colloquially apes or monkeys or animals. I’ve seen online arguments on whether it’s “technically correct” to use the word monkey for the entire simian clade, but according to Wikipedia, “simian” is preferred for that technical purpose.
Click through on the profile. It’s satire, you got trolled.