Today, in “Things That Are 100 Percent Not True,” we have this strange masturbatory fantasy-disguised-as-a-true story from the DatingAdviceForMen subreddit, either written by a sad middle-aged man or three kids in a trenchcoat. (I’m betting the latter.)
So have a seat by the fire and lets listen to WestServerDown as he tells his tall tales of triumph.
“Why don’t any liberals lift weights or do any exercise at all?” he begins.
Have any of you noticed that? They’re all obese balding and weak.
I’m not sure what sort of exercises are good to prevent baldness. I’m thinking none, none exercises.
Liberal “men” are too preoccpied with doing their bing-bing-wahoo child games on their nintendo switches collecting a welfare check,
The only kind of welfare most men can get is food stamps; that’s not really a solid basis for a happy and prosperous life devoted to playing bing-bing-wahoo child games on one’s Nintendo switch.
meanwhile we (conservatives) are busting our butts at work, making families, and living life as god intended.
Huh. Generally speaking, people who are actually Christian, and not just LARPing on social media, don’t forget to capitalize “God.”
Also, the chance that this guy is “making families” is less than zero.
Seriously, I cant describe how pathetic it is. I remember in college (btw it’s a myth that more liberals are college educated)
Sorry, dude, but it’s not a myth that liberals tend to be better educated. you Yeed to fact check your masturbatory fantasies better.
it would be every other week I’d have a chick in my room who was cheating on her melted-candle physique boyfriend.
Yeah that happened.
They just wanted to try being with a real man for once, I suppose. Usually they begged me to f*ck (don’t swear online for moral reasons) them again for subsequent nights,
And then everyone on the bus stood up and cheered.
but I usually declined because I don’t like liberal women (too few showers, too colorful hair, attention seeking, etc), I just wanted to ruin their relationships as a message.
Somehow I doubt that this guy would turn down any woman because her hair was “too colorful,” or growing out of her nose, or whatever.
This was during 2015-2018 so I brazenly wore my MAGA hat in the main quad. So these women knew what I was about. Had to make sure the condom was intact a few times, these women get desperate for the seed of a young conservative man.
And everyone on the bus stood up and cheered again.
It’s just so weird, once these chicks get some decent dick in them they forget all about feminism, LGBT shit, climate change, bernie sanders, whatever, and they mold to you.
In his case, they probably mold and mildew.
It’s obvious that they didn’t have father figures growing up because of how quickly they drop their “values”. Oh and the “men” (lol)?
Basically to get their girlfriends to come over to my place, all I really have to do is bully their boyfriends a little bit. I’ll physically push them, fart in their face, insult them, and let them have it if they try to joke back.
So this guy apparently gets his rocks off by … imagining he’s farting in another man’s face. How do you even position yourself to do that?
If I’m feeling nice I’ll just challenge them on leftist talking points and listen to them sputter and get mad that they can’t beat me logically (unfortunate class attribute of the liberal).
Wait, is Ben Shapiro writing this?
I make myself the alpha of the situation, basically. Not hard to do if you’re not a weak numale.
H/T — r/IncelTear
Follow me on Mastodon.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies on support from you, its readers, to survive. So please donate here if you can, or at David-Futrelle-1 on Venmo.
I’m not even sure what to say here because this is one of the most pathetic posts I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying a lot), BUT
the lil parenthetical note is so damn funny to me
Ugh ugh ugh… this is actually a thing I’ve seen IRL, and I hate it. I hated men who try to win over women by bullying/humiliating their boyfriends when I was a man, and I hate them even more as a woman. It’s harassment, it’s gross as fuck, it insults the intelligence of everyone involved, and it doesn’t work – people who go along with it will usually just be trying to diffuse the situation.
It’s a thing I’ve seen especially with male tour guides. There’s a certain type who will just gleefully goad and denigrate men/boys, while trying to creepily flatter and suck up to women/girls, including with teenagers and even children. It is the grossest thing and I absolutely hate it.
I spotted a flaw in his argument: I’m more or less a liberal, but I’m not bald, and show no signs of that changing even in my late thirties here.
Yeah, OK, I may have spotted more than one flaw, but I’m feeling generous today.
Guess all those HCA nominees and winners I see are liberals despite their FB feeds, ’cause there are a lot of bald chonk-style guys there (and goatees, which are starting to be considered a comorbidity by some).
The letters columns of old Hustler and Penthouse issues were more believable.
@Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy:
the lil parenthetical note is so damn funny to me
“D*mn!” said Carrot, a difficult linguistic feat.
—Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay.
So you two guys were rolling around on the floor?
Yeah, back in college, I would have instantly fallen in love with some guy who tried to humiliate my boyfriend, the guy I loved first.
@Full Metal Ox
bless you for that, haha. Carrot is definitely in my top 10 fave Discworld folks (just don’t ask me to actually rank them)
I think the type of man he’s trying to describe here as targets for bullying are softbois and they are very much a “type” that women fancy, sometimes to the exclusion of all others. Just look at near-universal straight lady admiration of Kurt Cobain! Not to mention One Direction, BTS, Timothy Chamelet etc etc etc
Also he’s obviously a fantastist but “physically push” people? AT COLLEGE? Like the bully character in films for kids? If someone suddenly pushed my very left wing husband it’s likely he would instinctly punch them in the face, like with John Prescott and the egg.
Yes, this is indeed believable.
Vince Debateman.
Also? Aside from how obvious it is that this is a vindication fantasy: it’s kind of funny that someone whose fantasies run in that direction also claims not to swear “for moral reasons.” Because, as we all know: naughty words are immoral; seducing someone whom you know is involved, for the sole purpose of ruining the relationship, is not.
–This Fucking Guy
Uh, did you lose your contacts, buddy? At the risk of judging people by their looks again, I’ve noticed it’s usually the (older) conservative guys that are pasty and balding, etc. No, really, so many of them fit the stereotype to a T.
@FMO
There was another one that was better. I’ll have to paraphrase:
I believe this was in Mort.
(Edited because apparently putting two or three n-dashes together will make an m-dash automatically. Annoying.)
Do you expect me to believe that women DON’T try and get into the pants of whatever shallow, bullying alpha is nearby? You sit here and say that women aren’t into that kinda thing, women this, women that, but I don’t believe you. Women say that want nice guys, but they go for guys like this all the time, believe it. At least the attractive ones, most of you im betting aren’t that attractive, otherwise you wouldn’t all be a bunch of liberal socialists. Men behave the way they do because you reward it, don’t want war, well then you better stop rewarding it. Don’t want the price of gas to go up? Well then, stop sucking the cocks of the men who own it all, just stop with the glomming onto men who are rich and bastards, only to complain later that you got cheated on and dumped, just like you dump your babies into the trash at abotpion centers everywhere.
“I don’t swear online for moral reasons”
”F*ck” is wrong, but “shit” and “dick” are perfectly okay.
“living life as god intended”
God intends us to judge and bully people, wreck relationships, and then boast about it?
“Had to make sure the condom was intact a few times, these women get desperate for the seed of a young conservative man.”
Yes, college women are just clamoring to get pregnant and interrupt their (oftentimes expensive) education.
Okay, since dude’s claiming to be a Christian, I’m going to assume the “moral reasons” relate to offending his sky-daddy. But if sky-daddy is supposed to be all-knowing and can see what’s in someone’s heart, I don’t think he’ll be fooled by one asterisk.
Just sayin’…
Learn this one weird trick to avoid moral judgement. Deities hate it!
Knew a guy just like this at uni, many more years ago than I care to remember. He were a fool too.
I can believe this one checks the condom is OK once in a while though – they get old right fast when they’re left in your wallet.
I love the technique of describing how easily he won arguments against liberals without actually making any arguments. Hitler did the same thing except his imaginary debate opponents were socialists.
@ Xennial Dot Warner
I went to the dormitory. I did a sex.
I vaguely remember in one of the Discworld books (the one about the clacks revolution) there was a scene where someone was trying to explain the concept of “C-commerce” to an elderly wizard or priest or somesuch, who kept mistaking it as the more old-fashioned “sea commerce”.
In Finnish Discworld translations, clacks is established as välkky, and C-commerce in this scene was translated as V-kauppa, which would then be misinterpreted as a euphemism for sex trade, because the initial v could stand for a highly vulgar name for vulva/vagina. I thought it was a perfect workaround for a pun that couldn’t be translated directly.
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants:
The Old Testament one might. He’s … a bit of a jerk.
(Indeed, if one accepts the thesis of biblical inerrancy, he sent Satan to judge and bully someone, wreck their relationships, and then boasted about it himself, the result being the Book of Job. That would be back when Satan was just his senior VP of quality assurance and hadn’t yet attempted a hostile takeover, gotten fired for his troubles, and then become the CEO of his main competitor and the ruler of the underworld.)
Honestly, reading this I was sure he was going to claim that all these women wanted to sleep with him, but that he manfully resists out of loyalty to his girlfriend, who is Totally Real You Just Don’t Know Her Because She Goes To A Different School. In Canada.
@Lumipuna:
In Finnish Discworld translations, clacks is established as välkky, and C-commerce in this scene was translated as V-kauppa, which would then be misinterpreted as a euphemism for sex trade, because the initial v could stand for a highly vulgar name for vulva/vagina. I thought it was a perfect workaround for a pun that couldn’t be translated directly.
Thank you for that bit of literary trivia—so much of translation is a matter of substitution and context. (Something I’ve long wondered is what form the Librarian’s Berserk Button assumes in languages that don’t distinguish between “monkey” and “ape”, such as French and Chinese.)
If you go back in his post history, a few weeks ago he’s responding to a post asking “What would it take for you to believe in God?” with “getting a girlfriend,” lol. So, yeah, this is definitely some serious fantasy.
@Gaebolga:
Okay, since dude’s claiming to be a Christian, I’m going to assume the “moral reasons” relate to offending his sky-daddy. But if sky-daddy is supposed to be all-knowing and can see what’s in someone’s heart, I don’t think he’ll be fooled by one asterisk.
I bet He also knows what’s really inside your super-sneakret Lenten Ravioli: https://www.bbc.com/travel/article/20180212-the-naughty-meat-dish-served-during-lent