So the other day we looked at some, well let’s charitably call them myths, about the human vagina. Today we’re going to look a matched pair of other cis female body parts that are the source of a lot of curiosity and confusion. I am referring, of course, to the boobies.
Here are six completely incorrect notions about boobs that are going around, courtesy of the BadWomensAnatomy, NotHowGirlsWork and MenWritingWomen subreddits.
Women deliberately get pregnant to make their boobs bigger for birthday photos.
Boobs can function as a mobile Starbucks in a pinch.
If a young girl has saggy breasts, it’s probably because she’s having sex with lots of guys.
Sorry, I meant to say that if a woman has big boobs it’s because she had too much sex in her teen years.
You can purse your nipples like you purse your lips. Indeed, you can do all sorts of things with your breasts because they’re secretly prehensile.
Your boobs can get sucked into someone’s butthole if you get too carried away during sex.
Time for a nap. My brain hurts.
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I feel like I am being more charitable toward the bad romance novel bits by imagining the women using their hands to flex and purse, but I think I prefer Robert Jordan’s approach: “So-and-so folded her arms under her breasts and sniffed disdainfully.”
Ugh. Stuff like this makes me wish real life had access controls. Like that old OKCupid setting.
Please make my breasts invisible to straight men: ✅
Off topic but sort of tangential: Apparently otaku douchebros are whining about the upcoming generation of Pokémon games “pandering to SJWs”. [Weird, my spellcheck doesn’t recognize “otaku” as a word, but it does recognize “Pokémon”.] The reason: the “boy” and “girl” models for the player character look fairly androgynous and nearly identical. They even wear the exact same outfit. The most easily visible difference is that the boy has short hair and the girl has longer hair in a side braid, though there are other, very subtle differences.
I’ve seen a few attempts to create “corrected” versions of the official art; the boy’s cargo shorts are replaced with pants, the girl’s cargo shorts are replaced with a miniskirt, and she’s also given a visible bust. What’s messed up about the latter is that these appear to be children, not teenagers like in some of the other games. Prepubescent children look rather androgynous, and don’t have boobs. I’m not sure whether the problem is that they don’t recognize the age of the character, or that they have distorted ideas of what children’s bodies look like.
And of course there’s always the “I need to be able to tell what someone’s gender is at a glance so that I know who to sexually harass / lust after” factor common with creeps in general.
@.45
Before I gave up on those books as a pile of irredeemable misogynistic crap, I always wondered why he had to specify the breasts for the women. It was like, why couldn’t he just say “crossed her arms”, where else was she gonna cross them? Were we mistakenly going to think she folded them over her boobs and clutched, if he didn’t mention “under the breasts” every single time?
@ Big Titty Demon
In the defense of Jordan, my understanding is at the time of his writing, it was somewhat rare to have female characters who were not scantily clad damsels in distress for the hero to rescue, so having much of his books featuring numerous women in positions of power was considered an improvement over, say Conan the Barbarian. (On the other hand, the way he relied on blatant stereotypes of men vs women did not age well.)
I think if your breast milk is coming out latte colored you maaaay want to get checked out, to be on the safe side. Especially if it’s one of the darker shades.
Those literary excerpts would be right at home on the old Livejournal page Weeping Cock. That group was dedicated to showcasing all kinds of bad sex, impossible anatomy, and other horrible sex writing sins. Great way for an aspiring writer to see what not to do when writing characters banging each other.
Snowberry, of course they’re complaining about it. And it’s bizarre that they are starting to think boys in shorts are androgynous now. Is this the start of men getting too hot in the summer because bare legs aren’t manly?
Of course they are giving the girl character breasts despite the odds are she is 10 (the Pokemon universe is a horror show and one of the most mind blowing things is that at 10 years old children are given a starter Pokemon and sent out to wander from town to town with no adult accompaniment).
I, for one, have always folded my arms OVER my boobs, even when they were young and perky. Is it just me?
Seriously, persons here of all genders: when you fold your arms without thinking of it, where do they end up? Over or under the nipples?
I seem to recall people discussing this.
https://www.inputmag.com/culture/knitting-com-ecomcrew-business-vs-community
@ .45
I dispute that there are women in any positions of power by the middle of the books, precisely the reason I stopped reading them. They are always depowered, sometimes made into sex slaves. It’s misogynistic and horrendous. Even the supposed best and most noble of the lot, Al-Lan Mandragoran, the first thing he does meeting Moiraine is try to murder her for being too uppity.
I really hope the show fixed all that shit, hoping it did since I heard a bunch of whining about “forced diversity” and “wah wah wah ruined my pure Nazi white nation!”
@GSS ex-noob
Huh. The “Big Titty” in Big Titty Demon is not a lie: although I took the name from a hilarious incel description of a succubus here, it’s actually because I carry lots of extra weight. I cross them below the boobs entirely.
My arms cross at the bottom my rib cage. I do have arms like an orangutang though.
#borntobrachiate
I have a long torso and short arms. If I cross my arms under my boobs, my cleavage goes up to my chin.
@ Big Titty Demon
Hmmmmm… It’s been years since I read the books, but you have a point with the depowering thing. Always wondered why men can be gentled, then come back full strength, while women get stilled and any attempt to restore that leaves them at half what they were. (I totally do not recall Lan trying to kill Moiraine, but really hated their whole meeting in New Spring or whatever that book was. I had a mental image of how they met and interacted, and Moiraine as childish prankster was not it.)
As for the show, I have watched the first season. I remembered enough of the books to throw a fit at all the clothes and weapons being used, as Jordan tended to painstakingly describe all of that and the show went for stuff that renfaire types who walk around as belly dancing ninja assassins would shun as too fantasy, but you may be glad to know that they basically tried to take inspiration from every exotic culture under the sun for stuff. This again I have issue with though, because Jordan did that already, the show essentially decided to just swap Middle Eastern inspired for Japanese inspired, Indian inspired for Turkish, etc, etc, for no reason that I can see.
As way of another example, Jordan specifically described the swords being used as being something akin to a cross between a Polish Saber and a Japanese Katana. He even gave his approval for Museum Replicas to reproduce an example for commercial sale that is off his description. The show ignored all this and just made fantasy katanas.
Many of the characters are of different ethnic appearance than described in the books, though not near as many as the naysayers claim. My biggest complaint there is that Paden Fain was practically the only one where Jordan spelled out he was a sleezy looking white guy in no uncertain terms, but they instead went with a decent looking black guy. Some characters were unclear, but not Fain.
And Thom’s many colored cloak! This guy is supposed to be a combination jester/musician/minstrel/storyteller with a bright patchwork cloak that identifies him a mile off as a gleeman, but instead he is dressed in a drab outfit and introduces himself by pickpocketing from the other main characters? OK…
I could go on, but in short, they changed a lot of things seemingly just because they could, blatantly ignoring explicit descriptions in the books, but probably just much to say they put their own spin on it than to be SJWs. Because of it though, I can see where accusations of going for diversity come from. There is an air of trying too hard and changing things just to put their mark on them.
@LouCPurr: Me too! If I try and cross them where the boobs used to be, it doesn’t work. If I cross them where they are now, no way.
We must therefore consider from the evidence of you, me, BTD, and Alan that all the women in the world of the never-ending sequels are either:
a) extremely endowed
b) some kind of tree-dwelling primate
c) both of the above?
(I think I Dream of Jeannie crossed them way up, but then again the lady couldn’t even show her navel, so she’d have had to.)
@.45
It wasn’t written as him trying to kill her. It was written as haha, what a comeuppance for her hubris!
But it was described as being in the middle of the winter in that land that’s in the far north where pine trees crack in half from the cold, and he dumped her in a near-freezing lake, expecting her to not be able to swim. In his estimation, being totally dependent on his mercy to save her, or not, for being rude to him, was the correct action. Her life was in his hands. Because she was uppity to a king dressed as a soldier, didn’t treat him with the proper respect.
He didn’t know she had any magical powers or anything. That was how he would behave to a normal woman.
All the male characters are like that, in essence.
Trash books.
But as for the TV costumes being too ren-faire-y, you might be interested in Bernadette Banner’s reproduction of the Tar Valon gown using only 17th-century hand-stitching techniques and her analysis of the historical fashion influences on it.
I find it really hard to care about the details of the cultures, because the women are just “the slutty ones who have coppery swanny bodies from this culture with their slutty clingy dresses” or “the slutty black women that don’t wear any tops” or all the other sluts except “the Aryan master race of totally decently dressed people.” Kinda hard to get behind the female characters judging, really, when you know they’re author stand-in and it’s a man.
Okay, I’ve bitten my tongue about it before, but… Why do people like The Wicker Man ? It just sounds massively offensive to pagans.
What book series is this you guys are discussing?
@WWTH
The perfect weapon for the Goddess of Death!
@GSS
Over the boobs normally, under the boobs when it gets cold. Extra heat is about the only thing they’re useful for anymore. But come summer, they’re a nightmare, and boob sweat is unappealing all year long (sorry if TMI).
@Snowberry
Weebs gonna weeb. Japan really needs to stop catering to the loli fetishists, they start expecting it for everything.
Isn’t this the same franchise that spawned the “I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear.” meme?
Ah, here we go.
@ Alan
It won’t surprise you to learn that the knitting/fiber arts community found that article about as soon as it came out, and we had OPINIONS. If there’s a consensus among knitters, the reaction is something like this: “The knitters they interviewed probably tried to tell Those Two Guys what they were in for, and were ignored.” There’s also been a fair amount of scorn at the assertion that Those Two Guys can’t be racist because their wives are Chinese.
The latest reaction I’ve heard from Those Two Guys is this:
HA.
@Queen of the Harpies
Assuming you’re speaking of The Wicker Man starring Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee and not the Nicholas Cage remake (which does not exist in my cinematic universe) – there are those in the pagan community who like seeing a pagan society depicted on screen that is just as functional as mainstream society.
I am admittedly a fan of the movie – I own it on VHS as well as the commemoration DVD box set with the extras showing Edward Woodward getting to revisit the locations and being delighted at visiting this part of Scotland again. (Really, the man was obviously having the time of his life seeing it all again – just a pleasure to behold.) I’m not a pagan, but I’m a preacher’s kid and I have what I jokingly refer to as a professional interest in stories where religion plays an integral part. So from that perspective, I love The Wicker Man because it’s a story about clashing beliefs, and moreover it’s a story that doesn’t throw its weight behind one side from the very beginning. It’s a story that demonstrates how different communities can hold a firm belief in their faith, and the consequences that will happen when those communities collide.
@ QOTH
Re: The Wicker Man
All the pagans I know love the film; as do I.
Vicky P has covered a lot of the points; so I’ll just add this.
If you look at the film from the perspective of the characters; everybody wins. It’s a happy ending all round. I appreciate that might seem counter intuitive at first; but the thing to remember is, all parties are true believers. And the pagans respect that.
Howie is essentially a volunteer. They give him (in the ‘one day’ version at least) multiple opportunities to back out. Willow is practically begging him to take the opportunity. But Howie sticks to his principles.
So in the end he has his appointment. But when the islanders say this is the greatest gift they can bestow; they really mean that. They respect his beliefs, and are happy for him that he will take his seat at the right hand of (his) god. That’s his reward for helping them out.
Edward Woodward says that that’s how he played Howie at the end. Someone who is initially and understandably scared; but then realises he’s on a fast track to heaven. Hence the singing. Note that at the end they’re all in it together. The islanders sing their hymn; Howie sings his.
Everyone gets what they want.
@Alan Robertshaw
One detail I like from the novelization of the film script that I don’t think came across very well in the film itself is that at the end, Howie decides that he will gain at least ONE thing from his investigation. One win for something besides himself. And he manages to do it: He frees some of the birds from the Wicker Man, and that small satisfaction (IMO, anyway) gives him a clean heart to pray his final prayer. I’m no theologian, but I would argue that Howie dies in a state of grace because he died having saved something that needed his help.
@ Vicky P
It’s ironic that the one thing that people seem to get upset about is the poor animals. After all, they weren’t volunteers!
But Howie dies in a state of grace anyway. That’s one of the boxes the islanders need ticked.
To go a bit wider than just the film, anthropologists have noted that when it comes to human sacrifice, some cultures use it as a punishment and sacrifice the dregs of society. Whether that be criminals or prisoners of war. But others sacrifice the best.
That does seem more in keeping with what a sacrifice should be. If you’re not giving up something valuable it’s not really a sacrifice.
That’s one of the lessons they teach Howie I think. He recognises (or thinks he does) that Rowan wants to be sacrificed; and that it’s a great honour for her. That’s something he can’t understand at first; but I think at the end he gets the lightbulb moment; and recognises that he’s quite privileged.
@Alan Robertshaw
Reportedly a number of the animals did what animals do when they’re nervous/frighted and widdled most mightily on Edward Woodward. He deserves a lot of credit for not letting that get in the way of getting the take.
Going back to the novelization again, there’s a glimpse into Howie’s thinking after he’s been prepared – he’s in the white robe, he’s been anointed, and he decides that while he still doesn’t believe in what the Summerisle people believe, he will accept the dignity they have conferred upon him. He has been named a representative of a king (well, Queen Elizabeth II at the time of the story, but that’s a minor quibble), and therefore he will not shame the monarch. He will go to his death on his own feet, not being dragged kicking and screaming.
There’s a bit of shouting from him later on, of course, but you can’t blame him for that. More importantly, Woodward does a marvelous job showing how Howie has accepted his role in this ritual – it’s not a sacrament by his standards, but he understands that it’s a sacrament to the islanders.
@ Vicky P
I’ve always wanted to see a film, set in 1974, where the characters just comment on the wide availability of Summerisle fruit and veg that year.
@ Alan Robertshaw
Ha! Yes, that would be fun. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that other writers have included little nods like that in their own works.
Why do people like the Wicker Man? It might be wrong, but I dare anyone not to laugh at Nick Cage running around like a lunatic, hijacking bicycles, beating up women and children, as everyone else seems entirely uninterested in anything. The ending is a little overdone, though.