So the other day we looked at some, well let’s charitably call them myths, about the human vagina. Today we’re going to look a matched pair of other cis female body parts that are the source of a lot of curiosity and confusion. I am referring, of course, to the boobies.
Here are six completely incorrect notions about boobs that are going around, courtesy of the BadWomensAnatomy, NotHowGirlsWork and MenWritingWomen subreddits.
Women deliberately get pregnant to make their boobs bigger for birthday photos.
Boobs can function as a mobile Starbucks in a pinch.
If a young girl has saggy breasts, it’s probably because she’s having sex with lots of guys.
Sorry, I meant to say that if a woman has big boobs it’s because she had too much sex in her teen years.
You can purse your nipples like you purse your lips. Indeed, you can do all sorts of things with your breasts because they’re secretly prehensile.
Your boobs can get sucked into someone’s butthole if you get too carried away during sex.
Time for a nap. My brain hurts.
Follow me on Mastodon.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies on support from you, its readers, to survive. So please donate here if you can, or at David-Futrelle-1 on Venmo.
Uh … huh.
I see their understanding of breasts ranks right up there with their understanding of vulvas, vaginas, and menstruation
“allowing her hips to continue the conversation”: who is this, Shakira?
Men started fetishizing big breasts and then started blaming women for having big breasts. Make it make sense.
Hitting puberty in the late 70s, when a big deal was made about ‘jiggle TV’ shows like Charlie’s Angels was… not fun. I had a big chest by the time I was 13 and consequently was considered a slut even though I hadn’t even held hands with a boy. By high school, I had supposedly engaged in every sort of sexual debauchery. None of the people telling the stories claimed that they’d been with me, though–they’d name a boy low on the school pecking order, or say they saw me in the back seat of a car at the drive-in with an unknown male. After I wore a sailor-style top to school in 11th grade, a senior boy made up an entire song about how slutty I was to the tune of ‘Popeye the Sailor Man’. (I wore the top again, anyway. Fuck him, it was cute.) Once again, hadn’t even held hands with a boy.
As Rita Rudner once said: “Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
WTF doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Let us hope they never get near any actual breasts.
My brain’s pretty scrambled in the first place, LOL
But seriously, the comments you just quoted do speak to an abysmal lack of knowledge about the human body.
My boobs blew up because I took the Pill. Disappointingly, though, I did NOT have sex with all comers, even though I technically could have.
Welp, that’s enough internet for today and it isn’t even 10 am.
Why would women get pregnant to get them bigger for a photoshoot? I mean, there are things called padded bras. Why would they bother with a pregnancy if they can just buy one?
happy cat
I mean, there are things called padded bras.
Oh well. Perhaps he’s time travelling from some era when there were no push up bras – or folded handkerchiefs or cotton wool or any of the other items women have been experimenting with since time immemorial. Of course, depends on the era. At other times women were furiously wrapping their chests with tight bandages or similar things to alter their shape to the desired flat-as-a-pancake profile fashionable at that time.
Never understood why woman breasts have been considered that “sexual”, leading to ludicrous words like the ones in David post.
Man displaying his breast = OK, but woman = not OK, quickly censored. What next ? Mouth ? Because, i do not know, BJ ? Those kind of different treatments does not help (and the variation between cultures brings bigger incomprehension, i think), especially with the nasty imagination of some assholes like the ones in David post.
I might be less inclined to laugh if he hadn’t just shoved the stick of “The only two possible choices are JJJ cup sluts or flat chested 10 year olds!” through his own bicycle spokes.
Speaking of not winning, there is no ideal breast size to have between the ages of 9 and infinity that won’t make girls and women the target of insults and harrassment (as this rant demonstrates). Sexualizing breasts is just a justification for disrespecting big-chested women’s boundaries. “You’ve clearly had a lot of sex, so you can’t complain when I’m being a creep.”
Also, what about lesbian sex? Do they share the boob increase between them, and both end up with medium sized boobs?
OK, here’s a palate cleanser. Though the most insistent thought during this dance is ‘ouch’. At least the video acknowledges that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZx5zfkG6oU
@Buttercup: We all know these types don’t view lesbian sex as actual sex. A performative warmup for the man to release them or some shit like that.
In case anyone was wondering, the one with the lady tensing her breasts in concentration and swinging her rhythmical magnet is ‘Ritual’ by David Pinner. ‘Ritual’ is not famous as a ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ work, but as the basis for the film ‘The Wicker Man’.
Those novel passages remind me of the famous “Every man writing women” passage:
“Cassandra woke up to the rays of the sun streaming through the slats on her blinds, cascading over her naked chest. She stretched, her breasts lifting with her arms as she greeted the sun. She rolled out of the bed and put on a shirt, her nipples prominently showing through her thin fabric. She breasted boobily towards the stairs, and titted downwards.”
How does one tense one’s breasts? I’m pretty early in breast development. Does it happen later in puberty? Do I develop musculature later on?
Wow. My H-cup ass would like to know how many guys I banged before I lost my virginity at 37 to the guy I’m married to. Were they hot at least?
@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
I might be less inclined to laugh if he hadn’t just shoved the stick of “The only two possible choices are JJJ cup sluts or flat chested 10 year olds!” through his own bicycle spokes.
Protip: anime is not generally regarded as a reliable statistical sample.
@Citizen Justin:
I suppose I should thank you for telling us where the first of the two “literary” examples comes from.
I thank you more for not telling us the source of the second. That’s just crap writing surrounding crap writing.
If they’re so smart they can explain why all the sports bras that look the most awesome always seem to be the ones that don’t fit quite right.
That’s not actually fully true but it’s enough to require explanation.
OT: litany of weird problems, mostly tech.
Windows Update on W10: still slow as molasses. They seem to have designed it around downloading things in the background, rather than “on demand” as it were, but if you let it do that it is liable to reboot right out from under you in the middle of working. The only way to ensure that doesn’t happen is to use “pause updates”, “metered connection”, and similar methods to inhibit it (preferably until late in the month, so there’s been time for other people to beta test Microsoft’s patches and any problems to get fixed) and then let ‘er rip at a time of your choosing by unpausing etc. — whereupon you’re waiting for it to download at much less than your down-pipe’s capacity avoiding getting too involved in anything because once it’s done it will want to reboot and will not just wait politely, like older versions, until the user grants it explicit permission before doing so, but will eventually do so on its own.
Letting it happen overnight isn’t even an option if you normally have your machine working on your behalf constantly in some capacity or another, since you’ll need to be there when the reboot happens to restart the relevant thingies once the desktop has come back up.
Android battery: something keeps causing sudden draining events on my current phone. It can drop from over 30% to under 15% in a matter of minutes, and will even drop another percent or two just in the time it takes me to walk over to where the charger is and plug it in. More disturbing, it will keep dropping, sometimes all the way to zero, while on the charger connected to the mains! It will keep working, running directly off the mains, but it can actually hit zero and then only slowly begin to recharge once whatever was causing the drain stops.
I’ve so far only seen this happen when running a particular app, but there are two things that make me suspect it’s not the real culprit. The drain is usually much slower when running the same app, and with that app doing the same things, and with the screen on and such. And one time when I saw that it had started draining more rapidly I exited the app in question (circle button, then “close all”) and the rapid drain continued for a while longer before stopping. So the cause appears to be a background task of some sort. Unfortunately this particular phone (a Galaxy A-something) doesn’t seem to provide a way to check background task battery usage; all usage is attributed to the foreground app at the time. So that particular time it showed heavy usage by the app and also by the launcher and the battery monitoring settings thingy itself (for the part of the drain that occurred after exiting the app), rather than the real culprit.
I’m wondering if it’s something to do with scanning available networks or similar that activates periodically. If there is something like that, is there a way to tell it to not do it if it’s got a stable WiFi connection already, and only if it’s taken to an unfamiliar area or something?
Couch: for some reason, sitting in my couch now seems to cause gradually worsening problems with my legs and hips and even digestion, which is a cumulative effect. Spending time not sitting in it causes these same things to gradually improve. This only started in the last few months. The symptoms that will arise include gas, hip pains, leg pains (but not cramps thank God), and if it goes far enough, pain and difficulty even standing upright.
Something has changed either the couch or my own body without my permission. I don’t see any obvious changes to the couch’s geometry. Anyone have a clue what this could be? Is there a permanent fix? Using the couch only sparingly is my current workaround, but has problems. Replacing it is out of the question: regardless of my ability to pay a high-three-figure replacement cost, there’s the minor matter of my total inability to manhandle something that size the four kilometers between anywhere I might plausibly obtain a new one and home, to say nothing of up a flight of stairs and around tight corners. The current one moved here with me 12 years ago; I had family members helping and one of them drove it here in a U-Haul. I lack a driver’s license, so I sure as hell can’t do that, and it sure as hell wouldn’t fit in the back seat or trunk of a taxi. Fortunately, since it doesn’t look different it’s more likely the cause is a change in my own body of some sort that has made it less tolerant of spending long intervals in certain positions for some reason than it used to be. I hope whatever would cause such a thing is reversible.
COVID: Ontario’s, and my own area’s, case counts have prematurely stopped dropping and have consequently plateaued at well above the numbers they reached in all the previous troughs between waves. I don’t want this. I want it gone. Done with. Yesterday’s news. With virtually everybody now at least triple-vaxxed it really should be gone, or at least going, surely?
On a more positive note, after a rocky fall the local hydro monopoly has been on its best behavior. Continuous uptime for over two months now. They are provably capable of delivering that high a quality of service, so why won’t they do so all of the time? (There were only a handful of even brief outages here in the entire year of 2020, most of them attributable to nearby lightning strikes during storms. That was about the only thing 2020 got right.)
The cracked(?) tooth is also being much less of a problem than those first two days and I might even be able to get scheduled to get it looked at on Tuesday …
Again it should be noted how large a proportion of my problems, when not caused by large tech monopolies (FB, Microsoft, telcos, hydro), seem to be caused by either inability to consult a doctor or lack of transportation, much of this in turn down to a lack of money. If I could afford the $2K+ monthly rents in dense urban areas I expect I’d have more reliable hydro, much faster internet, and the ability to find a doctor, though I still have no idea what I’d do about replacing furniture or other big bulky things. (If it won’t fit in a taxi’s trunk it’s a sure bet you can’t manhandle it onto a bus, or a subway car.)
Actually, there’s a worse problem with Windoze Update on W10: as soon as it completes downloading one update, it will install it and then go into “wants to reboot” mode … while still (extremely slowly) downloading any other updates that might exist. Which runs the risk of it rebooting before all of the updates are installed, resulting in additional downloading and then additional reboots. Or worse, perhaps it could even end up with the first update triggering a reboot during the installation phase of another one that had just completed downloading. Maybe this is one of the sources of the horror stories you hear of W10 machines bricking themselves with updates — not just buggy updates, but updates rebooting the machine in the middle of it applying other updates.
W7 and earlier downloaded everything, then installed everything, and only then wanted a reboot … and waited for the user to initiate said reboot. Indefinitely.
I also have another weird(ish) thing that happens sometimes, especially the past few years, where for some reason I’ll get dust in my eye (don’t know from where as I can be just sitting at my desk doing the same thing I’d been doing for half an hour straight and then suddenly I’ve got dust in my eye) and then have the devil’s own time trying to get rid of it. Often after rubbing the affected eye, it’s normal for all of 10 seconds or so and then bam, it’s got dust in it again somehow. Either something around here periodically puts a puff of it into the air or it’s magic teleporting eye dust that crawls back in again when it gets removed, several times in a row, before eventually getting the hint that it’s not wanted there.
Cat using litterbox would seem to be the obvious suspect for kicking up dust at randomish intervals, but doesn’t turn out to correlate with the dust incidents. It also would not explain why this has only been a problem for a few years, though a change of litter brand, I suppose, could.
Well, I’ve been training my pecs and I’ve noticed that when I flex them, the tissue above moves in a slightly interesting way. However, I doubt that’s what the writer meant.
Looks like a nip slip in the OP pic.
Holy hell, these are bad.
Yes, damn those Slutty McSluts getting pregnant just for a couple birthday camwhore pics, followed by a prompt abortion! When will they discover silicone?!
Coffee breastmilk. Right. And if a dude chugs the same amount, does he cum coffee too? No? What about cream and sugar?
There speeling iz almsot as gud as they’re unnerstanding of annatommy. (That hurt my spellchecker.) Genetics is lies.
My boobs are uncomfortably big (but not huge) and, unfortunately, saggy. I have not had sex with a dude, ever. How much of a slut am I?
Tell me those books aren’t real. They’re real?
Well, still better writing than Twilight…@Allandrel
Sounds about right. In addition to the unnecessary sexualization of the female characters, I hate the Obligatory Sex Scenes. They’re rarely that hot or interesting, almost always het, and almost always pointless. I feel like saying, “Dude, just write some straight up porn, rub one out, then come back and finish the actual story.”
“sucked boobs becomes shaggy”
Zoinks, Scoob! Actually, in the first Scooby-Doo movie (which was terrible), there’s a body-swap scene, so Shaggy does sorta get boobs.
I’m sure “curved breasts” are supposed to mean “round breasts” but I’m picturing boobs shaped like a scythe instead because the rest of it is so weirdly written.