When a guy begins his vagina advice with the phrase “listen ladies” you know you’re in for a treat. Well, feast your eyes on, and ruin your dinner with, this open letter to the (cis) ladies of the world from self-appointed vagina expert Derek. Sorry, Dr. Derek.
I have two questions:
- What the holy fucking fuck?
- Shouldn’t’ you be eating fruit and vegetables more than three times a week regardless of the state of your downstairs area?
Any-hoo-ha, I’ll leave that question for the real experts, Dr. Derek not included.
H/T — The NotHowGirlsWork subreddit comes through once again.
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He should be beaten over the head with a hardback copy of the fabulous Dr. Jen’s “Vagina Bible”, and then forced to read it and pass a test before he’s allowed to be on the internet again.
(Seriously — it’s now in Kindle Unlimited, and I cannot recommend it enough to anyone who owns their own vagina, or those who love vagina-havers.)
If a vagina smells lemony-fresh, you’ve done something wrong. You’d think “Dr.” Derek the expert would know that, and also how bad douches are, and… anything.
Aw, thanks Dr. Derek. Like many, many women, I already do all that stuff and a lot more. (Green vegetables and healthy oil three times a week? Wow, have you understated what a healthy diet looks like.)
I have advice for you: Wipe your butt thoroughly after a bowel movement. Then wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds. Dry them thoroughly. Keep your penis clean by washing it with soap and water at least once a day. So many guys don’t take these simple precautions.
You are welcome.
The guy knows you can wear panties multiple times before throwing them away because you do this thing called wash them. Right?
Sorry to post this OT so early in the thread.
Seems our dear friend Jordan Peterson had a chance to go play with guns recently.
http://twitter.com/MollyJongFast/status/1491221808863117313?cxt=HHwWgoDQ6bKV8bEpAAAA
tim gueguen
I just saw that picture of Peterson, and it’s so cute! All dressed up in an army helmet & big old gun so he can cosplay as a “real man”.
Tell me you’re not a doctor without telling me you’re not a doctor. Or same sentence but change doctor to man who has between buckley’s and no chance of getting near a vagina.
@GSS ex-noob – before any cishet woman even bothers to contemplate an approach by him to any remotely willing vagina.
Setting aside the bad anatomy (he seems to not understand that the yeast in baked goods is not what happens in the vagina during a yeast infection?) the thing I’m finding hilarious is that he thinks Victoria’s Secret panties cost $200. Sorry, if you can’t differentiate cheap mass produced crap from high lingerie, you’re not an expert on female anything.
I believe the traditional response to a statement like that above is as follows.
Ahem.
…the fuck?
wait till this guy finds out that a vagina can bleach black underwear.
@Elaine: I’m sure the response will involve cries of ‘witchcraft’.
The smugness of that OP. Just… Ew.
Hello.
I am sorry to ask, but i do not understand the beaver reference. Is “beaver” a slang word for genitalia ?
Have a nice day.
@occasional reader
Yes, “beaver” is, for some odd reason, slang for “vagina”. I found that out when I was younger and mistakenly repeated that old joke “Save a tree, eat a beaver” around my dad and he had to explain it was a double entendre rather than the silly little animal joke I thought it was. Oops. (I had kind of a sheltered existence.)
Oh yeah, that sound you just heard was every vagina in a 10,000 mile radius taking out a restraining order against OP all at once.
I’m sure Dr Derek’s dick smells lemony fresh at all times because obviously he wouldn’t be operating on any kind of double standard
@Nicholas
The lemon-scented dicks should go well with the pristine, factory-sealed butts we discussed in another thread.
For real, though, why do these dudes claiming to be vagina experts make it so nauseatingly clear they’ve never been anywhere near a vagina since the day they were born? I don’t pretend I’m an expert on Quantum Mechanics just to impress the other nerds.
People smell. It’s why we’ve invented deodorant and perfume and cologne and soap and detergents. But even the cleanest, freshest from the shower individual is going to have SOME kind of smell, especially from their underwear parts, so you’d think these dudes could either grow up and deal with it or just soak their fleshlights in rose oil and stop bitching at women for being “smelly”. That’s something most people grow out of past age five.
@GSS ex-noob:
It is a known fact that people are reluctant to think poorly of characteristics they happen to have, hence NotAllMen and so on. As DD here is clearly a douche, expecting him to admit that douches are bad is probably a hope too far.
(Yes I’m aware that “douche” is not a nice insult, but sometimes very obvious jokes are irresistible.)
@ rabid rabbit
“Ah, douché”
@ queen of the harpies
Just bluff your way through by quoting this…
He ‘just delivered 5 tubes of vaginal yeast control cream last night’? Huh?
Anyway, I’m assuming that yeast is just one of those microorganisms that are always on/in our bodies, just as the ones that cause toxic shock syndrome and staph infections are. I know that towards the end of the workday, I get a bit of a yeasty smell from my underboob area.
the only time i ever get yeast infections in my mumu is when i get IV antibiotics.
had a run in with sepsis in december. 2 weeks IV antibiotics, another week with pills.
after that my guts were in shambles and my hooha was itchy as hell.
tons of yoghurt and antifungal cream later i’m right as rain.
The level of condescension it takes to think that people just walk around suffering and need some rando in the internet to tell them what to do.
So love Kat’s and others’ instructions for Derek.
@ LouCPurr
He doesn’t even mention how many women live in the house! 5 tubes to one woman? Might be stocking up for some reason. 5 tubes for 500 women? Does not seem like an issue.
I guess theoretically the vagina created by a vaginaplasty could smell ‘lemony fresh’ without if being a complete health hazard (depending on the type of vaginaplasty as there are different methods), given that it is made to look and feel like a vagina and not to mimic the whole thing including ph-levels and internal plumbing.
That being said I have not been fully educated on the maintenance of those yet, and that is at least 2 to 3 years in the future. Also, I doubt Dr. Derp here includes trans women in the term ‘ladies’.
There’s a common misconception that eating sugars/refined carbs will cause yeast infections. This is likely due to the fact that diabetics are at higher risk for them. However, it’s not the increased blood sugar levels but the sugar in the urine getting in the wrong places that causes that, which is simply not a risk factor for non-diabetics.
(I am not a doctor; I simply researched this recently, so I could be entirely off-base! Please correct me if I’m mistaken!)
@Battering Lamb
I don’t have one so YMMV, but from what other trans fems have told me, neovaginas are even more susceptible to bacterial vaginosis than OEM ones. IDK if or how it varies by the particular method, e.g. if methods that allow self lubrication have lower risk of BV. (And those methods are terrifying in their own right AFAIK, using a section of colon or a small sliver of peritoneal membrane to accomplish the fluid secretion.)
One paper I found a while back indicated that the typical microbiome in “healthy” neovaginas is more like the one under a cis male foreskin, but also similar to what’s seen with BV in cis women, with a wider range of bacteria and a less acid pH environment. (And likewise with more keratinization of the tissue, presumably to help maintain a barrier against the bacteria.)
IDK if anyone knows what optimal neovaginal microbiomes look like, what “symptomatic BV in a neovagina” looks like, or whether the “healthy” cases in the study were actually healthy or were low-symptom chronic infections… IOW it seems like pretty much the usual case with trans health stuff, where not enough people give a damn for us to have a clear idea.
@Occasional Reader, Queen of the Harpies:
I can’t confirm it’s actually true, but when I was a child I learned that “beaver” originally referred to pubic hair, because in ye olden tymes the only people which had hairless downstairs were children (eww) or sex workers* (eww in a different way, for some people). So it was a form of fetishization of women who were clearly old enough and also apparently not slutty.
…My childhood was very much not sheltered.
*Because no pubes = no crab lice.
He sounds like an Instacart delivery person who already had issues with women, got squicked out that one of his orders contained “lady stuff” in a quantity greater than he approved of, immediately jumped to the conclusion that all the vaginas he’s being denied access to are filthy from neglect, and for some reason felt the need to advertise that fact on social media.
I was able to discern all of that from the phrase “penis purse”.