Natural News describes itself as “a science-based natural health advocacy organization” dedicated to “empower[ing] consumers with factual information.”
In reality, it’s a conspiracy theorists dream site, running endless alarmist headlines about the “globalists” who (allegedly) want to depopulate the world — basically kill off most of the human race. Some typical headlines:
TYRANNY ALERT: Houston Health Department’s door-to-door COVID-19 vaccine “census” begins
So basically, I’m saying don’t go there for advice about melatonin. Or, really, anything.
Yesterday I ran across a headline at Natural News that was even more hysterical than the site’s usual fare:
Naturally, I went to take a look at the article, which is (the site boasted)
a bombshell that needs to be understood by anyone hoping to survive the vaccine holocaust, because it’s really a “genetic bomb” against humanity.
Well OK then, I’ll bite. What are the world’s evil overlords planning this time?
It seems that they’ve (allegedly) designed COVID vaccines that “disintegrate” your healthy DNA, so that
the body can no longer repair its damaged DNA, and cells mutate out of control, devastating the entire body and bringing about genetic disintegration of the organism. …
That sounds bad.
Adding insult to injury, the vaccine (allegedly) makes it impossible for those with vaccine-tainted blood to have little disintegrating kids (allegedly).
The spike protein vaccine is an attack on the genetic integrity of humans, and those who take the vaccine will be largely unable to reproduce because their babies will self-abort due to genetic mutations.
But wait, there’s more! The “depopulation globalists” are (allegedly)planning a deadly nuclear “accident” to “accelerate the mutations among the vaccinated,” killing millions.
Importantly, once the beings on a planet are widely injected with the covid vaccine, globalists can unleash a nuclear accident (or nuclear terrorism) to distribute radiation across the planet. …
All they need is another Chernobyl, Fukushima or nuclear explosion somewhere in the Northern hemisphere — almost anywhere — and the winds will spread the radioisotopes across half the planet, achieving the low levels of ionizing radiation necessary to turn vaccinated people into cancer-ridden mutants with accelerated deaths.
BUT ARE THEY FAST ZOMBIES OR SLOW ZOMBIES? I need to know to prepare my defenses.
Oh crap, I’ve already gotten two COVID jabs. I guess I can look forwarf to being one of the cancer mutants.
So now we’ve got mutants, nuclear “accidents” and disintegrating DNA. You might wonder how this could get any worse, but Natural News is up to the challenge.
Meet the vaccine vampires!
[O]nce it becomes obvious that vaccinated individuals cannot tolerate sunlight without suffering genetic mutations, they will shun daylight and become creatures of the night.
Dude, I am way ahead of you here. I got to sleep at 6 AM this morning.
In cultural mythos, vampires are creatures of the night who suffer instantaneous disintegration when sunlight touches their skin. In reality, the disintegration will take much more time, but it’s a similar idea:
Covid vaccines + sunlight = genetic disintegration.
At this point it all sounds so terrible I’m not sure I can take much more. But Natural News isn’t done yet.
Those who reject covid vaccines are known as “purebloods.”
Yeah, that’s not how we refer to them in my neck of the woods.
They are the only ones who will be able to maintain genetic integrity for generations to come, which means the future of the human race belongs to those who reject covid vaccines.
Well, I wasn’t planning on having any kids anyway, so I guess I can survive this indignity.
[W]e are about to see an explosion in worldwide cancer due to covid vaccines. This will really accelerate in 2022, and we will easily see over one million cancer deaths in the USA during 2022 …
Any radiation release by globalists will only accelerate these numbers and cost more lives. (That’s the goal of the globalists.)
Damn those (alleged) sneaky bastards (allegedly).
Meanwhile, those who took the mRNA spike protein injections will be giving birth to mutated babies who lack genetic viability, even if they survive their own mutations.
I guess I should have known that mutant babies would play a role in this very advanced conspiracy theory.
Currently about half the human population has taken covid jabs of one kind or another, which means the depopulation globalists may have already achieved their goal of destroying fertility / genetic viability for a significant portion of the human race.
The die-off has now begun. This winter, cancer deaths will explode across America, and they will skyrocket for the next decade in those who were gullible enough to be injected with deadly spike protein bioweapons. Get ready to see a tidal wave of cancers in America, Europe, Australia, Canada and every other nation where gullible people have committed vaccine suicide.
Basically, we’re already dead (allegedly). Damn those (alleged) globalists and their (alleged) depopulation agenda!!
Yours (allegedly).
David
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Troll boy was certain that his (possibly imaginary) friend was straight.
First off, you can’t tell by looking or even knowing. Millions of people worldwide were absolutely certain Rock Hudson was straight. People are astonished every time someone they thought they knew well comes out as not-straight.
Second, he admitted to “experimenting” with this guy, which means both of them are at minimum bi-curious. Which is not 100% straight, maybe 99.999% but not 100. One or both of you really liked it. Does this explain troll boy being a MGTOW — no problem doing that, since he doesn’t actually like girls?
I know lots of people who’ve had their shots, and none of them has become more or less gay than they were before. Like @Vicky P, I am husband-sexual. Although I do like to look at attractive men, still. I was smiled at once by George Clooney. Phwoar!
@Goddess Stacey: I prefer gold lame’ myself. I look better in gold, and was in gold lame’ the one time I did have attractive men falling at my feet. Gosh, that was fun.
If real global elites wanted to kill people off in this completely impossible way, they’d have made sure the US, Europe, China, Oz/NZ didn’t have any vaccines and Africa, India, and South America did, so that White folk would survive with their “pureblood”. Guess they aren’t that elite if they got that completely backwards.
@ rabid rabbit
Okay, that makes sense and sounds familiar. That’s what I get for trying to remember things on a busy Monday. 🙂
@ Alan
Mark Hamill would be totally in favor of a Muppet Star Wars. He was a guest star on The Muppet Show back in the day, shortly before Empire came out, and you can tell he was just having the most fun being goofy with the Muppets. He’s tweeted in recent years that he very much enjoyed his time on that episode – he essentially played himself AND Luke Skywalker, y’see, with Luke being all serious (if by “serious” we include him getting to shout out “Remember Alderaan! Down with the Empire!”) and Mark being the goofball he is in RL.
There was, of course, a Pigs in Space episode where Miss Piggy played Princess Leia. I like to think Carrie Fisher approved.
@GSS ex-noob
If it was fun it’s because at your feet is where they belonged!
That is so awesome and I love reading this from you! I bet you looked great!
@GSS ex-noob
Straight men can have sex with other men. You don’t automatically become gay just because you sucked someone’s dick – which I have done with much enthusiasm in the past, though I do not desire to have any sort of further sexual or romantic contact with men beyond such acts. I would simply describe this as a form of penis-fetishism, which CAN exist alongside my heterosexuality, and quite comfortably at that. Man or tran, I can appreciate a good-looking penis.
@GSS ex-noob:
First off, you can’t tell by looking or even knowing. Millions of people worldwide were absolutely certain Rock Hudson was straight. People are astonished every time someone they thought they knew well comes out as not-straight.
And then you get the occasional Patti Smith—who’s done a lot of playing with gender presentation but, from all reports, seems to be straight as a ruler (and rather vanilla in her tastes.)
@worked out all that
then why are you so scared of the jab making you like dick even more then you already do?
I read Dracula a few years ago, found it more interesting than good. If I recall, Dracula could only do vampire stuff during hours of darkness, and was stuck in whatever form he was in at sunrise until the next sunset. But it was a time-of-day thing, actual sunlight had no particular significance.
@ rapid rabbit
So it was Nosferatu that came up with the sunlight thing. It was a very cool effect in the film.
@Elaine
Because liking dick doesn’t make you gay. Liking the whole package does, and if my suspicions are correct, that may very well be where I’m headed should I be forced to get the vaccine. I would not allege that this is an entirely intentional side-effect foisted upon the masses by the rogues that are making this slop, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were one of the many side-effects that such a critically understudied vaccine might cause. If identified, it would likely continue to exist in said vaccine without possibility of rectification, due to it being seen as “homophobic,” to eliminate whatever agents are contained in said vax that are causing people to turn.
@worked all that out
so, your friend liked dick and then found a man that he liked just as much as he liked dick, and your upset about that and have to blame it on the vaccination. wow. you really can’t come up with any intelligent thoughts. and you already told us you think girls are “icky” so maybe you should be happy if the jab makes you like the whole package.
If the vax turns people gay, why am I still ace?
Are the ace immune somehow?
How many shots will I need to successfully turn me gay? I need to know, for science!
What mechanism do you propose for this turning of people gay?
Even Wakefield, the arse who started the modern anti-vaxx movement, at least bothered to come up with a fake but ‘plausible’ sounding mechanism. It was a garbage mechanism, but it was a mechanism.
Dude, the pandemic has given some folks time for reflection. It’s made other people bored enough to want to explore alternatives they’d never before considered. There’s a whole slew of reasons for people including your buddy to have decided to try things (or think about stuff) that don’t involve “the vaxx made me do it”.
Also, why is being gay something so terrible you’d rather risk long haul cardiomyopathy and respiratory disorders?
Yeah, society sucks and can treat gay folk abominably, but gay folk themselves are just people. Capable of being incredibly kind, or incredibly talented, or incredibly awful, just like every other human.
You don’t need to panic.
And the vaxx won’t change your sexuality. Something else might, but not the vaxx.
I guarantee your buddy had something else going on, but maybe he didn’t want to tell you in particular about it after you started running around yelling “BUT NO HOMO” at the top of your lungs, post experiment?
Do you really think you’re coming off as a guy that another guy’s going to feel comfortable going ‘yeaaah I’ve actually always been gay’ to, right now?
Because if you’re seriously treating gay as the new vaccine injury de jour, I can see why he might not want to tell you his innermost thoughts and secrets.
@Contrapangloss
I’m still bi and still find my husband just as attractive as I did before my vaccination. I didn’t suddenly become straight or a lesbian.
@Goddess Stacey: Oh, yes, and that lame was cinched in at my waist like wow, and my boots and elbow-high gloves were gold lame too and the tunic just barely covered my butt plus was a little small on me. A cute boy followed me around and got me drinks.
Poor trollboy will never have that feeling. His friend didn’t find him up to snuff in the D department, I guess. But people who have attitudes like him don’t generally turn out to be much fun in the sack, regardless of gender or orientation. I do hope the friend has found one or more GGG men to have lots of non-judgy fun with. Long may his Grindr grind, I say.
@David: I think this pinata’s almost out of candy.
I for one look forward to Blade having a sister and a proper superhero outfit. I can think of worse things than Mahershala Ali in underwear.
Sometimes it is obvious in hindsight. This meme always comes to mind:
It’s now 24 hours since I had my booster; and I still seem to prefer ladies. I’ll keep you updated though.
But this is interesting.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/nov/23/covid-patients-in-icu-now-almost-all-unvaccinated-says-oxford-scientist
@Elaine the Witch –
Same here (except I’m not married).
But I got a flu shot two weeks ago, so maybe that will make a difference? 😛
I don’t know how many of y’all read Pharyngula, but apparently the scientific paper that the Natural News article is based on was looking at the Covid virus, not the vaccine. So all that stuff about the “spike protein” is referring to a protein in the virus rather than the vaccine.
So all of that “disintegrating Covid vampire” shit – if it were actually real – applies to the unvaccinated, not those who get the vaccine.
Typical antivaxer self-own.
I kind of wish it were actually true, so all the little antivaxers would die of their own stupid….
checks news
People who’ve been on planes, live where there’s natural radon, or at high altitudes/near granite mountains have not yet liquified or vampired.
I’m going out in the sun today and I had a bunch of dental x-rays since my 2 shots. If you don’t hear from me, check for stories of middle-aged housewives dissolving.
Must rewatch Hamill’s Muppet Show again, if I survive.
Re: organ donors and donor organ recipients
Besides, to receive a donor organ you’d almost always have to get rid of your original one anyway.
@Lumipuna
It varies quite a bit, depending on the organ and the individual case.
When I received my kidney transplant, my residual kidney function was almost non-existent, so there was no benefit to leaving either of them in. However, removing one (or both) did present a risk, and was a simple matter to splice the transplant in with a ureter, leaving the existing kidneys in place. So that’s what they did.
Re: vampires
So, an internal biological (pseudonecrological?) clock mechanism has been demonstrated in vampires? I’m looking forward to more detailed research on this vampire internal clock, how it interacts with light and temperature stimuli and how vampire physiology reacts to seasonally and geographically changing day length.
/plant scientist
@alanrobertshaw
Am thrilled to report that my boy/girl twin godchildren were born on a Saturday! I will see them this weekend and break the news to them about being natural vampire hunters AND the requirement to start wearing their underwear inside out in the pursuit of their calling.
I have learned so much on this site, but this is really special.
@Lumipuna: I feel such myths usually become more preposterous when they try the sciencify the flaws and features. I generally prefer when the explanation is at most similar to natural processes. For instance, if the weakness to sunlight isn’t because of UV-radiation (because I’m pretty sure the moon would also be bad) but because the sun represent the vengeful sight of God. I mean, you’d have to bring up some metaphysical grounds that require some exploring. The cause is symbolic rather than a naturalistic process.
Peter Watts did a pretty interesting thing with vampires in his novel Blindsight. Vampires there were a genetic variant of humanity that went extinct when architecture became a thing. Their brains perceived things differently, which meant that they’d get seizures when presented with straight angles, which is also where the crucifix thing came from. They were later brought back through cloning, because their different perception also allowed them to order what is perceived in a different way (it’s a futuristic sci-fi novel. Highly recommend it).
@ battering lamb
The traditional explanation for why vampires don’t show up in mirrors or photographs is because of their aversion to silver. Film utilising sliver nitrate and old mirrors being silver backed. But presumably they do show up on digital cameras?
Just make sure you don’t accidentally invite them in.
In Let The Right One In, Eli is able to enter the hospital because it has an automatic door and she takes that to be an invitation when it opens for her. So technology will be the death of us!
I once saw, in Finnish comic, a joke on the traditional (?) notion that vampires cannot survive if you trick them into standing over a cross.
A vampire hunter confronts the vampire, explaining to him that, technically, every point on earth is a cross formed by the intersection of a very precise geographic latitude and longitude. As the vampire listens to this lecture, he soon starts looking visibly sick with the dawning realization. After a moment, his head explodes with a huge “BLÖT” sound effect.