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female beep boop misogyny reddit

Lonely dude seeks “bad bitch” to assist him with his dick and possibly cure his flatulence problem

I found this wall of text posted to the BlatantMisogyny subreddit, and I really, really, really want it to be true.

Unlike most walls of text, this one will reward you enormously if you read it straight through to the end. If you find yourself troubled by the lack of punctuation just pretend you’re reading Molly Bloom’s soliloquy from James Joyce’s Ulysses.

Am tired of just texting female's and not get any sex or head from them and am tired of being around fake ass females that act like they not sluts am really fucking sick of it what I need is a girl that is a freak in bed a bitch that will pull my dick out of nowhere and play with it am really getting sick of fake ass bitch I need a real bitch that will do shit with me I don't know about you am tired of fake ass bitches that not do shit but where tight ass close to show what they got and they still don't let me fucking do anything with them these types of bitches not shit because I need a real bitch that wants my dick unlike these fake ass bitch and the fuck with using my damn hand am not in motherfucking jail anymore so I don't need to use my hands but I still feel like am in jail because I still have not got any girl to do shit with me and it's really fucked I just wish I can get rid of fake bitches and be round a real bitch that not scared to do shit with me and am really getting sick of not getting any and you bitches want to know why I fart lot when am round you bitch is because I been holding my nut in for too damn long and it's making me fart lot so if you bitches don't want to keep smelling my ass then your more then welcome to help me get my nut off by doing this it will make me fart less and I been fatting a lot so there is no telling how long I been holding my out back for but my nuts are starting to hurt because of it and I really don't want to use my hands at all I want a girl to do it

Ladies, line up for this one. He’s a keeper.

But I am a little confused, because according to the boys in the Semen Retention subreddit, “holding your nut back” for an extended period of time makes you smarter and more confident and magnetically attractive to the ladies. Maybe it also causes farts? Someone needs to do a proper study of this to see who is right, but it’s not going to be me because of all the farting.

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GSS ex-noob
GSS ex-noob
1 month ago

So all the fake ass bitches are sluts, yet he

a) wants a freaky sex girl
b) still doesn’t want the FABs, who are sluts

Yeah, he’s definitely not getting smarter.

Also, he should probably see a doctor if his testicles and colon really are connected like he thinks they are.

epronovost
epronovost
1 month ago

New drinking game; take a shot each time you read the word “bitch”.

Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen, Intergalactic Meani
Redsilkphoenix: Jetpack Vixen, Intergalactic Meani
1 month ago

On a dog breeding forum?

Uh…. D:

Kat, ambassador, feminist revolution (in exile)
Kat, ambassador, feminist revolution (in exile)
1 month ago

“[P]ull my dick out of nowhere”: I’m not exactly sure what this phrase means, but as far as I can tell, it’s original. And it has a certain charm. It’s unfortunate that so many, many other words surround it.

Ninja Socialist
Ninja Socialist
1 month ago

Perhaps not calling women sluts and bitches and seeing them only as something to have sex with might make him more successful. Also, he may want to change his diet. I just spoke to someone with balls and they assure me that being horny does not give you gas.

Elaine The Witch
Elaine The Witch
1 month ago

he needs to learn what a fucking period and common is

personalpest
personalpest
1 month ago

So much to unpack from this farting fool that no one’s mentioned the part where he says he’s “not in motherfucking jail anymore”.

Trying
Trying
1 month ago

I am drunk enough that this is one of the funniest things I’ve read and a dramatic reading would be amazing. Good lord.

occasional reader
occasional reader
1 month ago

Hello.
Oh, i did not know that “fake ass” was also used in english.

Anyway, about the semen retention stuff, it is simple. Sometimes, the earned power is so huge that you need something like a safety valve to avoid your bollocks to explode. As nothing must leave your penis outside of pee, the closest safety valve remains the rear door.
So, semen retainers farting in a lift are just using their surplus of power to show who is the boss.

> personalpet
Yeah, that was a thing that appealed to me when i read the article. Wonder what was his case.

Alan Robertshaw
1 month ago

Sloths are the only mammal that don’t er, have ‘digestive issues’.

You’d think they might explode but apparently they reabsorb gasses into their bloodstream.

Beyond Ocean
Beyond Ocean
1 month ago

So bear with me, but it makes a little more sense if you assume “nut” is an euphemism for turd.

He’s been holding it in for too long, but for some reason he doesn’t want to go by himself, he wants a girl to do shit with.

Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
1 month ago

@Kat, ambassador, feminist revolution (in exile)

“[P]ull my dick out of nowhere”: I’m not exactly sure what this phrase means, but as far as I can tell, it’s original. And it has a certain charm. It’s unfortunate that so many, many other words surround it.

Pretty sure it means he’s got a bit of a thing for Zatanna.

bekabot
bekabot
1 month ago

“I am a little confused, because according to the boys…’holding your nut back’ for an extended period of time makes you smarter and more confident and magnetically attractive to the ladies. Maybe it also causes farts?”

{puts on straight face}

It’s an alchemical process. The farts are the humors escaping from the vessel of the body. It’s proof that the operation isn’t going well.

{takes off straight face and puts it away for safekeeping}

Moggie
Moggie
1 month ago

I feel like a Venn diagram of various classes of bitch would help enormously with this.

@occasional reader:

Wonder what was his case.

Motherfucking, of course.

.45
.45
1 month ago

Makes about as much sense as any other Manosphere theory. I await the follow-up where incels complain how women identify their virginity through their excessive farting.

Dalillama
1 month ago

@Alan
They also defecate only once a week, a process that requires climbing to the ground and doing a little dance. Around 50% of sloth deaths are caused by jaguar attacks during this activity, which may help to explain why they hold it as long as possible. If you knew that there was a strong chance of a jaguar in the can, you’d probably hold it as long as possible too.

iforget
iforget
1 month ago

Off topic:

Hi David.
Longtime reader(from the start of GG), rarely comment. I’m having trouble reading this site on the desktop.

The mobile is fine. No problems. But if I try to navigate to this site say from Twitter on the desktop, the entire page freezes while things take forever to load. I have had to force my browser closed from command on a couple occasions because everything was freezing.

I have disabled pics and media for this site. It’s so bad, I have to remember not to click the URL. I really don’t think it’s the browsers, but it’s possible (chrome/chromium).
Firefox is slightly better.

Just an FYI in case there is something on your end

Thanks.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 month ago

Did he escape from jail by building a wall of text and going over it?

Surplus to Requirements
Surplus to Requirements
1 month ago

OT, but is any other Ontario mammotheer having problems getting a vaccine passport from the government webshite? People born in the months of January through April were supposed to have become eligible yesterday, May through August today, and everyone else not until tomorrow; yet it won’t let me download mine, claiming I was born too late in the year to have become eligible yet. I was born before September, so I should have become eligible by now.

Is this just some bug or glitch, or am I being singled out for some reason here?

KatinBoots
KatinBoots
1 month ago

Hey Surplus to Requirements, I had the same issue today. I read the website more carefully and I *think* for the first 3 days, you can only download it if your birthday is in the designated months for that day – (October 15, 16, or 17). Then on the 18th everyone can download the QR code. So try again on October 18th. Like, I am in the first 3rd of the year, but I didn’t know about it till today, so I didn’t try yesterday.

That is my best guess about what is going on…

rabid rabbit
rabid rabbit
1 month ago

I don’t know why it’s the “females that act like they not sluts” that makes me crack up the most, but it is.

I think it’s because I tend to think of “slut” as an external descriptor of behavior rather than as an inherent characteristic (“I have seen that that person sleeps with lots of people” rather than “that person is poly and may therefore be inclined to sleep with lots of people”), so a slut who doesn’t act like a slut is just a contradiction in terms.

Of course, his definition of “slut” is almost certainly “woman who won’t have sex with me but probably does with other people.”

And I second @Trying’s call for a dramatic performance of this.

Surplus to Requirements
Surplus to Requirements
1 month ago

@KatInBoots:

That can’t be right. They can’t make someone eligible, then not eligible, then eligible again — that makes no sense at all. And not notifying anyone until the 16th on top of that would mean nobody born in the first four months could, in practice, get theirs until the 18th, so is a move that would make even less sense.

Furthermore, since they caused us both to have the expectation that we’d be able to get it today, they are obligated to let us get it today. To not follow through at that point would constitute fraud, something they themselves have designated a crime.

Last, but certainly not least, it’s a QR code. It’s a couple of kilobytes or so of data, tops. Serving the error page probably uses about as much bandwidth and server resources as serving the fucking QR code itself would. So there’s really no point in any of this staggered-start-days stuff to begin with! Particularly since people who get the error message when they’re expecting that they’re eligible will make at least one more attempt, in case it’s just a transitory glitch, so it’s serve one QR code or serve at least two error pages (and an extra instance of every intermediate page too). So telling people that they’re eligible and then moving the goalposts is just going to waste even more server resources.

Did nobody do the fucking math on any of this?

Hypatia's Daughter
Hypatia's Daughter
1 month ago

Surplus to Requirements

Is this just some bug or glitch, or am I being singled out for some reason here?

Ontario has nearly 15 million residents (nearly 40% of Canada’s 38 million population).
I am sure the province created an entire secondary computer system just to personally single you out.

Moggie
Moggie
1 month ago

OT: I’m sure some of you have seen this, since it’s doing the rounds on twitter, but it’s too good not to share. Some self-described anti-SJW posted a twitter thread about “why so many in the radical left participate in speedrunning” (in the games sense). It’s at least twice as ridiculous as that sounds, and must be seen to be believed.

https://twitter.com/bronzeswords/status/1449345260207828995

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
1 month ago

This guy complains like an ash borer beetle lost in a forest of fake ash beeches.

Masse_Mysteria
Masse_Mysteria
1 month ago

This is probably insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but I’m slightly in awe at the implication that no one has to use their hands outside of jail.

Are… are we all* in jail?

*Excl. those who lack hands.

Karalora
Karalora
1 month ago

Shorter that guy:

“People are playing the vidya games WRONG! It must be because they’re COMMIES!”

Fabe
Fabe
1 month ago

@moggie

Today a video popped up in my youtube recommendations that was judging by the title and comments I read (didn’t watch the video) was pretty much a rant against accessibility setting in games . Guess if you’re color blind you’re not allowed to play video games.

Allandrel
Allandrel
1 month ago

@Fabe

You will see this a lot any time an ongoing game like an MMORPG announces new accessibility features. The complaint generally seems to be that the developers are “wasting development time and resources on features that don’t matter” instead of spending those resources on things that do matter, like whatever element of gameplay the complainer in question focuses on.

It is the same tantrum thrown any time they see something that is not explicitly and exclusively for them.

Case in point: Complaints that the new CGI He-Man and the Masters of the Universe cartoon on Netflix, and its accompanying toyline, are aimed at little kids rather than adult fans of the original. That there is also a Netflix MOTU series, and an accompanying toyline, aimed at said adult fans being produced at the same time, does not matter – EVERYTHING must be explicitly and exclusively for the Real Fans.

epitome of incomrepehensibility

Besides the randomness, it’s the old boring attitude of “the only feeemales who exist to me are the ones I want to bang.” Thought experiment for this guy: imagine women thinking the same thing about men. Fair or not fair?

@Dalillama – Somehow I got it into my head that you were talking about virgins, not sloths, only pooping once a week. Was a bit confused for a while 😛

Kestrel
Kestrel
1 month ago

Moggie- This animated version of some of the tweets is awesome!

https://twitter.com/irredeemableart/status/1449828264751550467?s=21

tom rogers
tom rogers
1 month ago

Slapping my desktop laughing at “…I’m not in MF’ing jail any more…”