The Federalist declares war on ass

On Tik Tok, one former butt-loving man warns women to be a bit more circumspect in showing off their asses, because he’s apparently hit his ass limit for one lifetime. In his younger days, he recalls, “I used to get so excited just to see a booty, bro.”

But now the thrill is gone. Women are showing so much booty on social media that he can’t take it any more. “I’m bootied out,” he laments. “Y’all have shown me so much booty I’m numb to it.”

His video has gotten more than a million views so far. So he’s evidently not the only one who thinks that, collectively, our society has 2 much booty (in the pants).

Unwilling to let an opportunity to throw shade on female sexuality go by without saying something, the folks at The Federalist (of all places) have decided to use ex-booty man’s video as the launching pad for a strange (and rather strained) anti-booty manifesto.

Like the man in the video, Federalist staff editor Madeline Osburn believes that

The more we as a culture are inundated with women trying to out-titillate each other, whether on TikTok or in Cardi B music videos, the less titillating they become. 

Even worse, she argues: the current booty surplus not only makes men sad, but “the devaluation of women’s bodies hurts women too.”

And boy howdy she’s not kidding. As she sees it,

Before we were all “bootied out,” a woman’s sexuality was not just mysterious and proactive, but the most powerful force on the planet. It drove men to face great risks, cross oceans, write ballads, and even start wars just for the chance to gaze at a woman’s booty. Women held all the cards in intimate relationships.

Well, no, they absolutely didn’t. Osburn is making a similar argument to that of Men’s Rights elder Warren Farrell, who thinks that female sexuality — at least the sexuality of young women — is so powerful that hot young secretaries have “miniskirt power” and “cleavage power” over their older male bosses. (You can read more about Farrell’s strange obsession with butt power here, here and here.)

But now, Osborn contends, women have gone ahead and destroyed their own “miniskirt power” by giving too much butt away for free.

Now, men sit back while women work their butts off, literally, trying to hold a man’s gaze before he swipes left or right onto the next one. In an attempt to liberate ourselves, we relinquished our power, and in doing so, diminished the quality of the men we hope to attract.

Is it just a coincidence that fewer men are graduating college and joining the workforce than ever before? 

Yes, in fact, that is a coincidence.

Should I mention that men’s testosterone levels are also plummeting?

Well, you could, I suppose, but there’s no connection between that and women posting pictures of their asses on Instagram.

So how can women win back their butt power? Osburn, bucking The Federalist’s generally negative take on unions, suggests a Lysistrata-style butt strike.

In order to make booty great again, we must make booty limited again. In today’s butt-centric media landscape, women who understand how to conceal their curves, and who instead deploy the “magic, mood and mystique” of sex, as Paglia describes it, will unlock the secret to yielding power over men again.

I think you mean “wielding power,” not “yielding.”

And for men … who are feeling “burnt out,” stepping away from the social media booty deluge may not only have a positive impact on those testosterone levels, but will increase the value of real, tangible, unfiltered booties IRL.

So not looking at booties will increase a man’s testosterone levels? With all due respect to Dr. Osborn here, I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. It’s not how any of this works.

Who knew The Federalist could be as wrong about ass as it is about everything else?

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