A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and sometimes that thing he’s gotta do is to write a 1300-word rant about evil single moms who want to find new fathers for their kids.
It takes him a little while to get to the point, but life isn’t about the destination; it’s about the journey. Although, to be fair, his rant is less a ride down the highway of life as it is a ten-car pileup.
So I’m sitting here, I guess you can say a bit free. Free of the spell, of having a warm BODY to lay with.. Warmth is nice. Having a warmno body to lay next to, feel, is a nice thing.
Huh.
A nice, shapely woman to put your hands on, is always good. it’s not very fun to put your hands around something very large. Say you’re going to lay down, and you have to place your arms around a whale of a being.
He hasn’t even gotten in the vicinity of the point yet, but he’s already digressing.
( I’m not knocking fat chicks, not my thing.) (( but I’ve been there.)) – Well, I had me a whale of a woman at one time, roughly, 13 years ago, when I was a young punk shit, and couldn’t get…..
…. let’s say I just evolve Beyond what that lady was for me. Some guys like whales.
Oh yes, single mothers. Sorry. I met the jackpot of single mothers. Blond. Petite. Green eyes. Like to to go on motorcycle rides…
But there was just one goddamn motherfuking problem. I’m looking into the eyes of some fucking child. Some fucking bastard child. A child, that is longing for a father. A child, that would come up to me with his iPhone, trying to show me YouTube videos.
No, no, no! NO CHILD WILL EVER SHOW ME YOUTUBE VIDEOS.
Whose responsibility is it, to supplicate the love that is necessary for this thing?
Uh, “supplicate” means “ask or beg for something earnestly or humbly.” Not sure that’s the word you mean here, chief.
I’ll tell you whose responsibility it is not. It is not mine. Here is a clue I’m going to drop on you guys.
When I met this Psychopathic bitch we will call, the single mother. Don’t get me wrong. Loved her too fucking death. She is fucking beautiful. And amazing in every way, and a motherfuking artist, literally she sells paintings, is educated, speaks two languages, did my laundry, clean my fucking room, showed me some good food…..
So she’s “amazing in every way” except also, somehow, a “psychopathic bitch.”
….. but there was this fucking kid. This fucking child in the way.
Gosh how could you possibly have foreseen that coming while dating a single mother. What might have clued you in to the fact that SINGLE MOTHERS tend to have CHILDREN.
I’ll get back to that in a second. Before you call me some heartless, senseless, shitbag. An analogy. When I was a security guard, 10 years ago, I stumbled upon a litter of kittens. They were cute, adorable, full of life.
Aw, fuck, now he’s got tiny adorable kittens all mixed up in his bullshit.
These kittens, we’re about five of them, in a bush. I picked up one of these kittens, and because they were feral, the motherfuker bit me on my goddamn fucking finger. Blood squirted the fuck all over the place and I feared I got rabies.
I guess even tiny baby kittens can tell that you’re an asshole.
Life Goes On. And as beautiful, put together, strong, independent, cunning, intelligent, artistic, athletic this single mother of a woman I met, she is still a mammal. And what do mammals do in the wild? They make fucking litter of kittens.
Once again, our hero here seems somehow surprised that a single MOTHER would have at least one CHILD.
The absolute universal law, that governs every molecular manifestation that we as human beings live for today, involves, that same invisible, unexplainable driving force. Is procreation. That being said, the most motherfuking, goddamn, fucking draining thing ever, you can do in this life, is to attempt, to utilize your life resource, in bringing up the life of another.
So maybe you could try NOT DATING SINGLE MOTHERS.
Imagine, if I were to take on, adopting one of those stupid fucking kittens that I picked up in the wild? How many hours would it take, to raise this kitten, from placing it in a box, winning it on regular milk, heading it so that it would adapt..
Heading it?
I don’t even care what he meant to say there because I”m just glad he didn’t teke those poor innocent kittens in and then yell at them for being kittens.
Do I sound like the kind of guy, who has the patience for this fucking shit? Now imagine, investing the time and life effort into bringing up something, that has nothing to do with your own personal genealogy, Legacy, or spiritual imprint you’re going to leave on this Earth, rather that of another man?
Wait, are we still talking about kittens? Because if we are I’m getting very confused. Your cats aren’t going to help you pass your precious genes on to the next generation. And hopefully no human woman will either.
Brace yourself now. We’ve got a sharp fucking curve coming up.
And while you are doing that job, do us all a favor, ask a black man with a 10-foot dick, to come in the room bang your girlfriend, while you watch and suck your thumb, then pay him while he does it.
That is the equivalent of if you are going to become involved in another man’s child’s life.
No, it really, really isn’t.
[Edit: For Racially sensitive woke bots. This previous comment was not “Singling out the black man.” In fact, I am complimenting the black man for having superior dong sizes. If only I could have a penis the size of my forearm. My apologies. I digress.]
Yeah, nothing racist going on here.
There’s not enough words for me to describe the Slime that is a man, who allows a public court system to have his child taken away. Such was the situation when I met the aforementioned I’m speaking of.
What was the situation? Whose kid is this now? What are you talking about.
but a year was enough. One day I was driving in my car, having another Dramatical, emotionally charged, rollercoaster of a conversation with the single mother I was dating, and all of a sudden these words slipped out of my mouth.
” I will never raise another man’s child.”
Say it with me Brethren, and say it loud.
“I WILL NEVER RAISE ANOTHER MAN’S CHILD.”
Now say this with me, dude: I WILL NEVER DATE ANOTHER SINGLE MOTHER BECAUSE IF I’M NOT WILLING TO DEAL WITH THEIR KIDS I SHOULDN’T BE DATING THE MOTHER FOR A YEAR.
Now that particular combination of words, must have been potent enough to elicit a grading of emotional response from the receiver, because we have not talked nore seen each other in two weeks. I think she got the message.
Maybe you should have given her this particular message before you started dating her. And certainly before stringing her along for a year.
I was not trying to be flagrantly abusive, rather I was driving down the road when she was sending me some texts about, “not being man enough”, “accountable enough”, nor having the “emotional capacity” to love a family etc etc. …
Thee words just pooped out.
They pooped, that’s for sure.
TRULY.
It’s been a few weeks. I’m not going to lie. I do miss having a nice warm body to lay down next to, and give slight kisses on the cheek, exchanging “sweet nothings.” – but this one, I forgot, comes at a heavy price.
A heavy price you could have avoided altoether by just not dating single moms as I believe I might have mentioned one or two times before
That is the price of being cucked. CUCKED into an expectation of a role that I have no motherfuking interest to fulfill. Hell, why don’t you just make me go become a substitute teacher.
What.
While we’re at it, let me buy 10 pairs of khaki pants, participate at the local elementary school as a softball coach, and donate my weekends to knitting classes at the local Senior Center.
What are you even talking about?
( those are all Noble Deeds, don’t feel bad if you do any of those actual things.)
Yes, I’m sitting in the parking lot right now eating my pita chips and hummus. With my Trader Joe’s salad pack.
What relevant details.
One thing I would like to say, is that, I will not blame a woman for her actions in the reproductive game. When we are caught up in the midst of chemical neurosis and the smell of pussy, we’re not seeing the big picture.
Dude, you’re not even seeing the little picture.
little Timmy needs a daddy, and Mommy’s income just got cut in half. If you say you did not see the signs, you are a stupid fucking idiot. And don’t take that personally, because I willingly chose to be a stupid fucking idiot.
The first thing you’ve said that I agree with.
Now I have no regrets because, I was able to exchange bodily fluids with a European princess, who, unfortunately, has a young prince that needs guidance. But I’m no knight, I’m the guy who was shoveling manure outside of the castle courtyards so the crops will grow better for the kingdom Harvest.
This isn’t a metaphor; it’s just free association.
the dating strategy for single mothers will always be complex and evolve. Maybe the new single mothers don’t realize the implications of having a small human life and how it may become Kryptonite for a man, so they don’t really try to hide it at first.
I’m sure whatever strategy they come up with will work best if it enables them to avoid guys like you.
After enough guys have bounced, they stop putting it on their Tinder profile. ( or do they? I’m not sure.)
If a single mother is looking for a hookup, she might leave it off. But any single mom who’s looking for a long-term relationship is going to leave it on, because otherwise they might get stuck with a guy like you.
– every single mother has a right, to tell every man, “My child will always come first.”
And Every Man Has a right to say’ ” SEE YA!”
And everyone together has the right to say “you’re really kind of an asshole!”
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@Surplus
Just an idea – if you can set up a crowdfund thingy (I don’t know the details of how they work) for a private doctor consultation and transport to said consultation and share at some point on this blog, I would donate. I’m skint (like pretty much everyone, I guess) so it wouldn’t be a huge amount, but hopefully with enough people you could raise the funds fairly quickly.
If there is a reason why this wouldn’t work or you wouldn’t want to, I am sorry for that in advance, but the suggestion is only an attempt to help with your immediate problem. As similar things are happening in the UK with the NHS regarding difficulty accessing healthcare that should be a birthright, I know it sucks.
If it’s not not late – to add to the bad movie list – Birdemic. Ed Wood level move making – in color. The Giant Claw – 50’s monster movie cheese – the acting and such is actually fine – it’s the monster the most absurd looking space buzzard you’ve ever seen. Super Inframan – an utterly insane Chinese super hero/kung fu/monster movie from the 70’s and Miami Connection – Tai Quan Do themed rock band battles cocaine dealing ninjas in Orlando an amazing mess to watch.
Heh, guess I’m no fun, because JC: Vampire Hunter just fell flat to me. Started off strong though (yes, I know this isn’t exactly high cinema or anything). Still, if we’re suggesting bad but enjoyable movies, might I suggest Hawk the Slayer?
Bad/tacky/unloved movie favorites ideal for MST3King, amongst other things, with a partner:
Reign of Fire – included cause it’s good fun, and not cause I’m in it. 😉
Spacehunter: Adventures in the forbidden zone – Micheal Ironside chewing scenery, say no more
Dark Star – already mentioned
Waterworld – OK, I’m the sole person on the planet that seems to actually like this one, so it’s fun to defend. 🙂
I must confess, I don’t see Dark Star as a bad film. I think it’s actually pretty brilliant. It’s got a great script; it covers some pretty deep concepts; it’s funny; and it’s been an influence on everything from Alien to Red Dwarf.
It’s probably in my top ten films generally, and second best sci-fi (after Silent Running).
I do like Dark Star.
Silent Running … eh, I’d rather watch Barbarella.
@Lollypop: Thanks, but I don’t know the first thing about any of that stuff either, which means I’d be strolling into a legal minefield without a map if I tried it. Thanks anyway.
@ threp
I quite like Barbarella too; it’s such a delightful mess 😀
The visuals are fantastic though, and it captures that campy rocketship and raygun vibe, in the same way as Flash Gordon.
I’m going to recommend my favorite bad movie, Amok Train. It’s an Italian production filmed in Yugoslavia in the 80s. I keep trying to suggest it to How Did This Get Made because there’s just so much weirdness going on. Like, the titular train jumps off the tracks to hunt people down. People in a boat.
The Rifftrax of Birdemic: Shock and Terror is free on Amazon Prime and it is glorious. There’s a bunch of other Rifftraxes too, but Birdemic is one of my favorites. There’s a ton of disaster movies available there too. I’m on a bit of a disaster movie kick lately because I’m listening to the Disaster Girls podcast. Some recent watches include The Core, Fire Twister and Atomic Twister.
A horror TV rec I have is the Canadian show Slasher which is on Netflix. It’s got a similar format to American Horror Story with a new story each season. I think it’s better than AHS though. It’s a perfect mix of campy but scary. Fair warning, it can get gory.
@Alan
It’s my understanding that the screenwriter of Dark Star basically rewrote it as a horror film when contracted for the movie that became Alien.
The Core: giving physicists uncontrollable giggles since 2003.
(And later this year it will be of legal age to vote, drive, and pose nude on OnlyFans … I feel old.)
@ Dali
Indeed. Dan O’Bannon and John Carpenter did the film at USC as a student project; on a budget of $1,000. People liked it; so they were able to scrape up some more money to film additional scenes and do a theatrical release. The final budget was around $60,000.
Then, whilst working on Jodorwosky’s abandoned Dune adaptation, O’Bannon expanded the ‘hunt the alien’ scenes from DS into a full movie and pitched it around. Originally Roger Corman was going to do it; but a friend got them a better deal with Brandywine; and the rest is history.
I actually prefer the alien in Dark Star. The Xenomorph in Alien is that perfect organism “A survivor; unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.”
The alien in Dark Star just torments Pinback because it’s a bit of a git.
Except it relies on other organisms to reproduce, while also killing everything in sight. Sounds like a recipe for going extinct.
@ Lukas
Yet another reason the DS alien is best. Much more sensible survival strategy. Look cute and people will take you on board and feed you. And give you a toy mouse.
@Lukas Xavier
To be fair, we aren’t seeing them in anything that resembles their natural habitat, or really any natural habitat, or their natural social organization. We see one or a few members of a eusocial species, completely separated from the hive/colony, in artificial environments where there’s minimal prey available. In any kind of real ecology, they’d be able to eat a bunch of things and still have some things left over to use as incubators (and we see that they do take live prey for this purpose if there’s any available after they feed). They’d be terribly destructive to any Earth ecology but presumably (or canonically, if you include the expanded universe materials) their homeworld has a more robust ecosystem, and there’s things in it that give them competition. (Any society run by reasonable beings, a category which excludes corporate leadership pretty much by definition, would just put the planet under interdict and blow up anything that lifts from its surface, while sensibly nuking every off-planet nest of xenomorphs from orbit.)
@ Dali
Ridley Scott based Weyland-Yutani, the company in the Alien films, on British Leyland.
That was a car company here that was notorious for being rubbish. It was sort of nationalised; then the government made BL go into partnership with Japanese car companies to try to get them into shape. See here for more.
https://www.carmagazine.co.uk/features/opinion/keith-adams/honda-in-the-uk/
But that’s where the idea of pretty unenthusiastic employees working for a ruthless corporation came from.
ETA: Although that’s also in Dark Star. Mild spoiler for intro to film. I like how it opens with a message from their bosses firstly commiserating on the loss of their captain because of a radiation leak; then turning down their request for radiation shielding because of “budget issues”.
Ben Browder, reuniting with Claudia Black (Vala) from their time on Farscape together
@Surplus
No worries 🙂 hope you get to see a doc soon.
Regarding films, I found the 2004 film version of Phantom of the Opera very funny for some reason. Troll 2 is good too.
All new b listed movies to watch are great. It helps me plan in time what my husband and I are going to do when he gets home. I live in a state with horrible covid problems right now, it’s slow to the give the vaccine to people and everything is closed up. So we will be pretty bored during quarantine 2 week period regardless. I mean we can’t have sex non stop the entire time.
After we get out of that we’re going to go rent a little house by one of the lakes and use that as our delayed honeymoon for a little while.
Also hopefully our troll finally gave up on getting his attention here.
@ Elaine
As your bloke is a squaddie; he may enjoy Dog Soldiers. It’s a rip-roaring film anyway; but it also has a really real depiction of soldiers and how they interact. Brit ones; but it may be there’s a few universal themes in there.
@alan
he’s not a squaddie, he’s a corporal but I bet he will still like it. I’ll tell you though, one time he was on the phone with me while I was watching an episode of NCIS, it was a bad episode. like they were really playing up the whole marine thing. and I don’t remeber exactly what was happening but there was a pregnant marine who was in trouble and hiding from someone and the team had to find her and this is basically how the diagologe went while i was watching the show
female marine “i don’t need that sir, I’m a marine first and a pregnant woman second”
my husband ” oh god”
male ncis agent ” well oorah then ma’am”
my husband, slightly longer groan of “oh god”
female marine ” oorah indeed”
my husband sounding like he’s being tortured “oh god! Jesus Christ what are you watching?!”
@ Elaine
Ah. Here squaddie is just a generic term for anyone in the military. Well, anyone who works for a living anyway.
I feel your chap’s pain. I guess it must be the same for anyone watching something they’re familiar with being played out on TV. I find most legal things a bit eye-rolly. Apart from the Rumpole stories; they’re scary accurate.
@alan
Squaddie means someone in the lowest rank in different military branches here. Also yeah, it normally just hurts when it’s suppose to be taken seriously, which is what the show was doing. They were really pushing the “this is a good female soldier, she’ll want to save her country so bad that she won’t even care that she’s 9 month pregnant or the health concerns she’s putting her soon to be born child through! how strong” I mean I thought that episode was stupid to and very propaganda like. cause it was really like
“this woman is so committed and parotic that she puts her health and her unborn child in so much danger and doesn’t even care cause it’s for her country and this is a good thing”
Even the most parotic marine isn’t like that. woman or not. And like 95% of the people in the marines are there for the benefits and money, they aren’t actually there for some righteous need to protect their country. My husband has a lot of siblings. He’s there for the health care and to education benefits for when he gets out.