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My Bulging Muscles Betray Me: The dubious wit and even dubiouser wisdom of Red Pill Duke

A well-built fellow who is not Red Pill Duke but who also likes to type

By David Futrelle

My new favorite Red Piller is Red Pill Duke, the not-so-humble proprietor of a blog called “Fight Club Theory” that purports to educate the masses on how to live one’s best bachelor life.

Most of his posts cover regular Red Pill stuff, ranging from lists of the “20 Rules of the Bachelor Life” (rule one: “No marriage!” seems a tad obvious) to the alleged disposability of the human male.

But sometimes he takes his little literary wings and just flies. Consider one recent post with the unprepossessing title “Coffee Shops and Bars.” In it, Red Pill Duke reports the result of a pre-quarantine experiment of sorts in which he spent a day tapping out his thoughts on a laptop while hanging out first in a coffee shop and then in a favorite bar.

It becomes quickly evident that he didn’t much like the cafe or its inhabitants.

The coffee shop is well lit, but full of society’s hipsters and posers. People plugging away at computers diligently working very hard to produce fuckall. Despite the crutch of stimulants and a perfect workspace, little seems to get done. Nearby a fat cow of a woman with a “speak to the manager haircut” walks in. She asks for a pen. She will likely crucify me if I give her my pen that says “www.redpillduke.com” on it. I say nothing while stacking up words in my mind to type later.

He never specifies which words he stacked up. I’d like to imagine they were cromulent, badger, metempsychosis, and shard. Those are pretty good words.

As a mysterious writer tucked away in the corner, I continue to mind my own business. I’m observing. A preserver of these evanescent moments of daily mundane activities. I am fitting in with my beanie and cozy sweater. My bulging muscles betray me and I fear their gluten intolerant noses pick up the scent of my toxic masculinity.

They probably did, if you spent your whole morning sitting nursing a single cup of coffee, scowling disdainfully at everyone around you. People can pick up on that.

Later, in the bar, RP Duke feels much more at home.

The bar is the yang to the ying of the coffee shop. It is dark and quiet.

Uh, the yang to the yin. No g. The Ying-Yang Twins are a rap group; the yin and the yang are the philosophical concepts.

A few of society’s more decadent and thus interesting, wander in and out of its cozy atmosphere. They talk of the truths of the town in quiet but more honest discourse. …

I belong here more than the coffee shop, not because of my demeanor or clothing choices. No, I belong here because everyone knows my name. 

Huh. So you feel more at home at a place you go to all the time than at a place you’ve been to once. What an amazing revelation.

Also titties.

I once brought a woman I was seeing to this bar. I shit you not, I walked in and three fucking women gleefully shouted “Hey Duke” at me as I walked her in. The ultimate pickup artist couldn’t have planned a better dread game. … As we leave the bartender hugs me. This is the first time she’s done this. Her giant breasts press against my bulging chest muscles as my girl glares at her. 

And then everyone in the bar stood up and applauded. That bartender’s name? Albert Einstein.

Amazingly, while RP Duke can use words like “evanescent” correctly, he sometimes struggles a bit with simpler ones. And he has a devil of a time sorting out some rather basic grammar. At one point he has this to say about the inhabitants of the bar:

They also know me cause I’m hear every week and my tongue loosen with each sinful sip from my steel member’s cup which dons my name.

There are a lot of sentences like that.

Yet the mothers against decadent delights decide that this drugs is bad while others are good.

In walks a man with a distinguished mustaches…. belay that. He shaved it off for the current flavor of the week. 

The world may run on caffeine, but it is alcohol that stimulate true action and that is what makes change possible.

Here’s a thought, dude: try not to write when you’re drunk. Or maybe try not to write at all.

Oh, who am I kidding? Keep writing, dude. I always need material for my blog.

H/T — Big thanks to TakedownMRAs on Twitter, who introduced me and the rest of his followers to this delightful fellow.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Katherine the Adequate
Katherine the Adequate
7 months ago

Maybe he meant the rap group. And he’s watched Cheers re-runs.

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

The coffee shop is well lit, but full of society’s hipsters

Was Jacob Wohl there?

I am fitting in with my beanie and cozy sweater.

But shouldn’t a Real Man™ be uncomfortable? Real Men™ only wear crowns of thorns and workout clothes. No cozy sweaters. /s

I fear their gluten intolerant noses pick up the scent of my toxic masculinity.

Is this his way of saying he didn’t wear deodorant?

A few of society’s more decadent and thus interesting, wander in and out of its cozy atmosphere. They talk of the truths of the town in quiet but more honest discourse.

This guy sounds more than a bit like skimmingway in the other thread.

Her giant breasts press against my bulging chest muscles as my girl glares at her.

This sounds like a teenage boy trying to convince his friends he’s had sex.

He shaved it off for the current flavor of the week.

Moustaches have flavors? I’ve never grown one for more than a few days so I don’t know.

'mantha
'mantha
7 months ago

” As we leave the bartender hugs me. This is the first time she’s done this. Her giant breasts press against my bulging chest muscles”

All I can picture is two people with extraordinarily long arms.

“People plugging away at computers diligently working very hard to produce fuckall.”

Now I’m imagining ten different blogs by ten different people in that coffee shop that all contain this sentence.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
7 months ago

People plugging away at computers diligently working very hard to produce fuckall. Despite the crutch of stimulants and a perfect workspace, little seems to get done.

What does he expect people plugging away at computers to produce, exactly, that would be visible to him?

As a mysterious writer tucked away in the corner, I continue to mind my own business.

Ahh, so he’s the one producing fuck-all, and projecting that onto others. As one does.

The bar is the yang to the ying of the coffee shop. It is dark and quiet.

Yang is the light principle, dude, not the dark one. Yin is dark and quiet, not yang. Get your analogy straight.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
7 months ago

Another redpiller convinced that everybody notices him no matter where he goes, even if they pretend to ignore him.

What’s that saying about the confidence of a mediocre white man? 😉

Cats In Shiny Hats
Cats In Shiny Hats
7 months ago

@PoM

But isn’t Yin also the female aspect?

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
7 months ago

@Cats In Shiny Hats

Yes. Yes it is.

Catalpa
Catalpa
7 months ago

my tongue loosen with each sinful sip from my steel member’s cup

Am I just a pervert, or did anyone else read ‘steel member’ and assume this dude was talking about something entirely different? The rest of the words in that passage seem fairly sexually charged as well.

Lainy
Lainy
7 months ago

Saw this on Twitter. Didn’t see the whole thing until now

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@Catalpa

did anyone else read ‘steel member’ and assume this dude was talking about something entirely different?

Nope, not just you. That was how I read it the first time through as well. I feel he did this intentionally, as that would be hard to do accidentally without realizing it.

Ada
Ada
7 months ago

“Fight Club Theory” way to miss the point of that book and to a lesser extent movie. but I guess the folks using the redpill thing from the series that’s the most obvious trans allegory ever aren’t good at picking up on subtext

Steve D
Steve D
7 months ago

Cromulent? Metempsychosis? Shard? C’mon, now. Everyone knows any list of the best words has to include wombat, syzygy and flange.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I once brought a woman I was seeing to this bar. I shit you not, I walked in and three fucking women gleefully shouted “Hey Duke” at me as I walked her in. The ultimate pickup artist couldn’t have planned a better dread game. … As we leave the bartender hugs me. This is the first time she’s done this. Her giant breasts press against my bulging chest muscles as my girl glares at her.

I 100% believe that this actually happened.

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@Steve D
Some other good words are pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism, floccinaucinihilipilification, semihemidemisemihemidemisemihemidemisemiquaver, and zzyzyva.

matruz
matruz
7 months ago

Love the BioShock references on “Coffee Shops and Bars”.

Please keep writing about this humble fellow! It’s comedy gold!

Snowberry
Snowberry
7 months ago

Antemeridian! Tumescence! Aglet! Ornithischian! Querulous! Anatidaephobia! Trichoplusia! Ichthyiostega! Pareidolia!

Err… what are we doing again?

Trying
Trying
7 months ago

Oh the cringe. Delicious cringe.

Lots of manly men are allergic to gluten. What a ponce.

Prith kDar
Prith kDar
7 months ago

You know, if they weren’t couched in his misogyny, I’d agree with quite a few of his 20 Rules.

3) If you’re determined not to form relationships, then 3 dates is probably too many, unless you’re obeying Rule 12, which I heartily endorse (at least this much of it): “Don’t play with her emotions. Only losers act like they want to marry the girl they just want to bang. Be honest.”

5) “Leave if She Answers Phone During Date.” I wouldn’t be as rude as he suggests, but if I were on a date and someone started chatting with someone who just called (not an emergency, which would be quickly apparent), I think I’d just leave them to continue their clearly more important conversation. Not too fond of feeling like a prop mannequin so you don’t have to eat alone in public.

7) “Never do what you don’t want to do. … If you hate plays, why waste your time bc you think she would enjoy it. Find fun activities you both enjoy or find a girl who shares your interest. Life is short.” This seems entirely reasonable. Your partner can do the things you hate that they like without you. Nothing wrong with that. One caveat is be sure you hate the thing though. If you’ve never tried it and just think it sounds awful, give it a go.

13) “Don’t dip your pen in the company ink.”

14) “Use a condom every time.”

There are some other points I agree with in spirit. So it’s too bad that his attitude about women being stupid and only for sex and his paranoia that they’re all trying to trap him, use him, trick him, etc. keeps creeping in on all of them to poison the well.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
7 months ago

I spent half the day at the local coffee shop sipping on a cold coffee whateveritwas and the other half at the bar sipping on a rather smooth milkshake IPA.

I’m not much of a drinker, but even I know that a manly man doesn’t drink milkshake IPAs.

I shit you not, I walked in and three fucking women gleefully shouted “Hey Duke” at me as I walked her in.

No, dude, you do shit me.

Lukas Xavier
Lukas Xavier
7 months ago

People plugging away at computers diligently working very hard to produce fuckall.

That’s a wall mirror, dude.

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@Prith kDar

Don’t play with her emotions.

I’m a bit confused by the inclusion of this one. Isn’t the whole point of PUA to manipulate someone’s emotions so they sleep with you?

occasional reader
occasional reader
7 months ago

> weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
Of course you do. Because he shits you not.

And what is a “speak to the manager haircut” ? Is there somewhere a haircut which compel any manager in the vicinity to come and speak to you ?

three fucking women gleefully shouted “Hey Duke” at me

Wait, is Duke his real name or a pseudo ? At least, he does not call himself Red Pill Dark4ngel0fDeath666…

And he has a devil of a time sorting out some rather basic grammar.

Maybe because he is the Duke of Hazardous Grammar ?

LollyPop
LollyPop
7 months ago

And what is a “speak to the manager haircut” ? Is there somewhere a haircut which compel any manager in the vicinity to come and speak to you ?

Its an extension of the Karen meme – one of the family of shortish choppy haircuts with blonde highlights middle aged white women often get.

Having spent my youth in service, I dont think I’ll be able to stop using “Karen” to encapsulate a certain personality type, but its a shame another funny and concise social commentary surrounding class and race has been co-opted by misogynists to mean “all older women”.

Nicholas Kiddle
Nicholas Kiddle
7 months ago

Surely the stacked words would be Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV?

Amtep
Amtep
7 months ago

@Nicholas Kiddle

That is a genius insight, but if it’s a stack it should be TV, Camera, Man, Woman, Person. Stacks are unstacked in reverse order.

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@Lollypop

Having spent my youth in service, I dont think I’ll be able to stop using “Karen” to encapsulate a certain personality type, but its a shame another funny and concise social commentary surrounding class and race has been co-opted by misogynists to mean “all older women”.

I have mixed feelings about it myself. As you said, it was useful to discuss the behavior of certain entitled white women, but the fact that it is gendered and almost exclusively used towards women is an issue. I’ve heard various male equivalents, like Kevin or Ken, but none are as widespread despite entitlement being very common in men. It also seems to be yet another example of white people stealing Black culture and ruining it.

Moon Custafer
Moon Custafer
7 months ago

@LollyPop:

I was going to say, the chin-length bob has been typed, not just in the manosphere, as the “entitled white woman” hairdo. Possibly because it’s pitched as the standard haircut for soccer moms, while simultaneously being one of the most high-maintenance ‘dos. Calling someone a fat cow is still unforgiveable, though, even if they actually do act entitled; this woman appears to have merely asked if anybody could lend her a pen—what hubris.

Moon Custafer
Moon Custafer
7 months ago

@’mantha:

“People plugging away at computers diligently working very hard to produce fuckall.”

Now I’m imagining ten different blogs by ten different people in that coffee shop that all contain this sentence.

comment image

numerobis
numerobis
7 months ago

qua is the best word: 13 points or more, gets rid of your q, short, includes common letters so you can easily place it.

The risk of course is that someone extends it and scores your 13 points all over again.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
7 months ago

I’m unclear: does he have bulging muscles? He didn’t really mention that.

I fear their gluten intolerant noses pick up the scent of my toxic masculinity.

So he’s made from white bread, and he’s afraid of the hipsters. Huh. I thought real manly men didn’t know fear.

I can’t stand food bullies – people who pick on other people’s allergies and intolerances because they think it’s just a made-up affectation. It’s another form of ableism. They’re the assholes who terrorize allergic kids with peanuts and laugh at them.

Many of those bullies are in for a big surprise when they reach middle age and discover their system can no longer tolerate the things they used to eat with impunity. Sneering won’t do anything to prevent it. (And gluten is in absolutely everything, so have fun with that)

As a mysterious writer tucked away in the corner, I continue to mind my own business.

He’s a “mysterious writer”. Everyone else is just sheep mindlessly bleating trivial blather into a laptop.

A preserver of these evanescent moments of daily mundane activities.

Nobody else in the coffee shop notices or remembers things. Or uses big words.

Plenty of people are socially awkward and have trouble making connections, but it takes a redpiller to sit there silently insulting everybody and making up unflattering interior lives for them. This guy has a bad case of “I Need To Feel Special” syndrome, and since he actually isn’t all that special, he has to do the time-honored mediocre white male thing of hobbling the competition. And since he doesn’t deign to talk to people, it all takes place in his head.

Moggie
Moggie
7 months ago

No, I belong here because everyone knows my name.

You think you’re “Duke” to the people in this bar, but you’re probably more Cliff Clavin.

They also know me cause I’m hear every week and my tongue loosen with each sinful sip from my steel member’s cup which dons my name.

This reminds me of Davis Aurini forcing himself to sip scotch in his videos, in the mistaken belief that it made him look manly and experienced. “Sinful”? Dude, I too once thought that drinking was naughty. Then I turned eighteen.

This mysterious writer is in dire need of a mysterious editor.

Cats In Shiny Hats
Cats In Shiny Hats
7 months ago

Syncrisis (sometimes synkrisis) is one of my favorite words. It was used in ancient literature as “the comparative juxtaposition of people and things” and now just “the comparison of opposites”.

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@numerobis
I favor qi or qat. They don’t require a U, and are easy to make with minimal letters if you’re stuck with the q at the end of the game. And there are less ways to extend them.

@Buttercup

Many of those bullies are in for a big surprise when they reach middle age and discover their system can no longer tolerate the things they used to eat with impunity. Sneering won’t do anything to prevent it.

They’ll also be in for a shock when their “game” no longer works (assuming it worked to begin with). It seems middle aged red pillers either end up turning into religious fundamentalists like Roosh or repeating weird Twitter poetry like Stefan Molyneux. Both seem to have had midlife crises upon realizing that they could no longer manipulate women into bed as easily.

@Moggie
For me, when I think of scotch I think of older women because it was my grandmother’s favorite drink. I’m pretty sure that’s not what DA was trying to invoke.

Some Chick in Texas
Some Chick in Texas
7 months ago

So he wasted an entire morning staring at people in a coffee shop and then got mad at them because he decided they were wasting their time? I read that right?

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
7 months ago

@ Some Chick in Texas

The redpiller slogan needs to be “When YOU do it, it’s (slur of redpiller’s choice). When I do it, it’s AWESOME.”

Some Chick in Texas
Some Chick in Texas
7 months ago

@Victorious Parasol
It really does.

StaceySmartyPantsTwiceRemoved
StaceySmartyPantsTwiceRemoved
7 months ago

My favorite coffeeshop when I’m “in residence” 🙂 and being fully Stacey (with the owner’s and manager’s ok, of course) in my favorite space, which they often reserve for me would SO freak this creep out.

I bet he’d run away.

Especially if I had one of *my* guys (probably with better muscles than this creep anyway) with me, looking at pictures of training gear on my computer and sharply putting the latest NiceGuy(TM) jerk, whoever he may be, in his place.

Creep has no idea.

But maybe I’d inspire some pathetic complainy blog post about mean entitled women who don’t do exactly what creeps want. That would be ok because then I could at least laugh and mock his pathetic whining which is what that kind of red piller whiners about women like me deserve

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@Stacey
Good to see you back again.

StaceySmartyPantsTwiceRemoved
StaceySmartyPantsTwiceRemoved
7 months ago

@Naglfar

Thank you! Nice to see you too. I hope you are safe and well.

Things where I live are slowly getting better. The funding for my temple is getting going again but the sponsors who are funding it are looking at an existing building. It’s going to be organized as a performance art group LLC for legal reasons but our intent is also truly spiritual. It’s sobering as I realize the gravity of what I’m starting but exciting too and I’m ready (though the pandemic makes it difficult to do everything right away).

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
7 months ago

A hallmark of 21st Century conservatism is the idea that “THEY AND ONLY THEY” are privy to the Great Secrets

Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
7 months ago

@Weird Eddie

They are the only ones privy, and they’re welcome to keep their Great Secrets for all of me.

Got absolutely zero interest in learning how to stick my head up my own arse. 🙂

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@Threp

They are the only ones privy, and they’re welcome to keep their Great Secrets for all of me.

Got absolutely zero interest in learning how to stick my head up my own arse. 🙂

Well, if you change your mind and wish to learn I’m sure skimmingway in the other thread can teach you.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I was going to say, the chin-length bob has been typed, not just in the manosphere, as the “entitled white woman” hairdo

Am I the only one who likes bobs and thinks it’s a shame they’re always derided as a soccer mom cut these days?

The bob enjoyed a brief period of being in fashion in the early 2000’s and I was quite happy about it. Rachel from Friends and Buffy both had them and there was a whole entire article in Vogue or Elle about Kristy Hume, a model who was known for her very long hair getting the cut. I think it’s a flattering cut on a lot of people and I wore it for years after it went out of style because the curl in my hair doesn’t start until past my mouth, so a bob is easy for me to maintain. Maybe I’ll get it again. Part of the fun of now being 40 is I can embrace my past the wallness and not give a fuck.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
7 months ago

@ WWTH

I’ve been rocking a stacked bob for years now, and would be rocking it still if corona hadn’t gotten in the way. I’m having to wear my hair in a ponytail these days, and am seriously considering asking Mr. Parasol to take the clippers and give me a 1-inch buzz cut.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
7 months ago

This “stacked bob” wouldn’t happen to resemble the hairdo of your avatar, perchance, would it?

Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
7 months ago

Think Twiggy, but fluffier.

Naglfar
Naglfar
7 months ago

@WWTH

Am I the only one who likes bobs and thinks it’s a shame they’re always derided as a soccer mom cut these days?

I don’t wear one myself, but I think they look good on many other people. I do find it to be unfortunate that they are now associated with the stereotype.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
7 months ago

@ Surplus to Requirements

Nope! The avatar hair is long and bunned up because I don’t have to wash it, comb it, or dry it. 😉 As Threp said, more Twiggy but fluffier.

StaceySmartyPantsTwiceRemoved
StaceySmartyPantsTwiceRemoved
7 months ago

Our salon honestly did have its share of privileged white women clients but I didn’t see our stylists doing those stacked bobs much.

I used to still see some older clients get a Rachel. I didn’t even know it was called that because I was a kid when the TV show was big.

Privileged white women clients usually treated me well and I wrestled with feeling guilty about it and making money from them and felt guilty sometimes about how much I enjoyed the attention because I knew on some level they were treating me well but only probably for the wrong reason or reasons that if I was honest conflicted with my feminism. That was true about working in the beauty industry generally. I still wrestle with enjoying my little part of something that big picture makes women feel bad about themselves and that misogynists use to justify abuse. But the success in my salon hostess job did get me to a better place in life where I’m a sponsored artist legally but recognized by some as literally a goddess and not some girl living in a tiny apartment choosing between either expressing myself and facing constant harassment from creeps or being safe but pushing down my own creativity. So I don’t know.

Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
Threp (formerly Shadowplay)
7 months ago

@Stacey

OK, this is probably a really foolish question, but I haz a puzzlement.

I still wrestle with enjoying my little part of something that big picture makes women feel bad about themselves …

You don’t make them feel bad about themselves, right? You use your skills and your art at work to make people feel good. Same for your boss and your collegues, from odd things you’ve said here.

So, why feel guilty?