By David Futrelle
My new favorite Red Piller is Red Pill Duke, the not-so-humble proprietor of a blog called “Fight Club Theory” that purports to educate the masses on how to live one’s best bachelor life.
Most of his posts cover regular Red Pill stuff, ranging from lists of the “20 Rules of the Bachelor Life” (rule one: “No marriage!” seems a tad obvious) to the alleged disposability of the human male.
But sometimes he takes his little literary wings and just flies. Consider one recent post with the unprepossessing title “Coffee Shops and Bars.” In it, Red Pill Duke reports the result of a pre-quarantine experiment of sorts in which he spent a day tapping out his thoughts on a laptop while hanging out first in a coffee shop and then in a favorite bar.
It becomes quickly evident that he didn’t much like the cafe or its inhabitants.
The coffee shop is well lit, but full of society’s hipsters and posers. People plugging away at computers diligently working very hard to produce fuckall. Despite the crutch of stimulants and a perfect workspace, little seems to get done. Nearby a fat cow of a woman with a “speak to the manager haircut” walks in. She asks for a pen. She will likely crucify me if I give her my pen that says “www.redpillduke.com” on it. I say nothing while stacking up words in my mind to type later.
He never specifies which words he stacked up. I’d like to imagine they were cromulent, badger, metempsychosis, and shard. Those are pretty good words.
As a mysterious writer tucked away in the corner, I continue to mind my own business. I’m observing. A preserver of these evanescent moments of daily mundane activities. I am fitting in with my beanie and cozy sweater. My bulging muscles betray me and I fear their gluten intolerant noses pick up the scent of my toxic masculinity.
They probably did, if you spent your whole morning sitting nursing a single cup of coffee, scowling disdainfully at everyone around you. People can pick up on that.
Later, in the bar, RP Duke feels much more at home.
The bar is the yang to the ying of the coffee shop. It is dark and quiet.
Uh, the yang to the yin. No g. The Ying-Yang Twins are a rap group; the yin and the yang are the philosophical concepts.
A few of society’s more decadent and thus interesting, wander in and out of its cozy atmosphere. They talk of the truths of the town in quiet but more honest discourse. …
I belong here more than the coffee shop, not because of my demeanor or clothing choices. No, I belong here because everyone knows my name.
Huh. So you feel more at home at a place you go to all the time than at a place you’ve been to once. What an amazing revelation.
Also titties.
I once brought a woman I was seeing to this bar. I shit you not, I walked in and three fucking women gleefully shouted “Hey Duke” at me as I walked her in. The ultimate pickup artist couldn’t have planned a better dread game. … As we leave the bartender hugs me. This is the first time she’s done this. Her giant breasts press against my bulging chest muscles as my girl glares at her.
And then everyone in the bar stood up and applauded. That bartender’s name? Albert Einstein.
Amazingly, while RP Duke can use words like “evanescent” correctly, he sometimes struggles a bit with simpler ones. And he has a devil of a time sorting out some rather basic grammar. At one point he has this to say about the inhabitants of the bar:
They also know me cause I’m hear every week and my tongue loosen with each sinful sip from my steel member’s cup which dons my name.
There are a lot of sentences like that.
Yet the mothers against decadent delights decide that this drugs is bad while others are good.
In walks a man with a distinguished mustaches…. belay that. He shaved it off for the current flavor of the week.
The world may run on caffeine, but it is alcohol that stimulate true action and that is what makes change possible.
Here’s a thought, dude: try not to write when you’re drunk. Or maybe try not to write at all.
Oh, who am I kidding? Keep writing, dude. I always need material for my blog.
H/T — Big thanks to TakedownMRAs on Twitter, who introduced me and the rest of his followers to this delightful fellow.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
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Maybe he meant the rap group. And he’s watched Cheers re-runs.
Was Jacob Wohl there?
But shouldn’t a Real Man™ be uncomfortable? Real Men™ only wear crowns of thorns and workout clothes. No cozy sweaters. /s
Is this his way of saying he didn’t wear deodorant?
This guy sounds more than a bit like skimmingway in the other thread.
This sounds like a teenage boy trying to convince his friends he’s had sex.
Moustaches have flavors? I’ve never grown one for more than a few days so I don’t know.
” As we leave the bartender hugs me. This is the first time she’s done this. Her giant breasts press against my bulging chest muscles”
All I can picture is two people with extraordinarily long arms.
“People plugging away at computers diligently working very hard to produce fuckall.”
Now I’m imagining ten different blogs by ten different people in that coffee shop that all contain this sentence.
What does he expect people plugging away at computers to produce, exactly, that would be visible to him?
Ahh, so he’s the one producing fuck-all, and projecting that onto others. As one does.
Yang is the light principle, dude, not the dark one. Yin is dark and quiet, not yang. Get your analogy straight.
Another redpiller convinced that everybody notices him no matter where he goes, even if they pretend to ignore him.
What’s that saying about the confidence of a mediocre white man? 😉
@PoM
But isn’t Yin also the female aspect?
@Cats In Shiny Hats
Yes. Yes it is.
Am I just a pervert, or did anyone else read ‘steel member’ and assume this dude was talking about something entirely different? The rest of the words in that passage seem fairly sexually charged as well.
Saw this on Twitter. Didn’t see the whole thing until now
@Catalpa
Nope, not just you. That was how I read it the first time through as well. I feel he did this intentionally, as that would be hard to do accidentally without realizing it.
“Fight Club Theory” way to miss the point of that book and to a lesser extent movie. but I guess the folks using the redpill thing from the series that’s the most obvious trans allegory ever aren’t good at picking up on subtext
Cromulent? Metempsychosis? Shard? C’mon, now. Everyone knows any list of the best words has to include wombat, syzygy and flange.
I 100% believe that this actually happened.
@Steve D
Some other good words are pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism, floccinaucinihilipilification, semihemidemisemihemidemisemihemidemisemiquaver, and zzyzyva.
Love the BioShock references on “Coffee Shops and Bars”.
Please keep writing about this humble fellow! It’s comedy gold!
Antemeridian! Tumescence! Aglet! Ornithischian! Querulous! Anatidaephobia! Trichoplusia! Ichthyiostega! Pareidolia!
Err… what are we doing again?
Oh the cringe. Delicious cringe.
Lots of manly men are allergic to gluten. What a ponce.
You know, if they weren’t couched in his misogyny, I’d agree with quite a few of his 20 Rules.
3) If you’re determined not to form relationships, then 3 dates is probably too many, unless you’re obeying Rule 12, which I heartily endorse (at least this much of it): “Don’t play with her emotions. Only losers act like they want to marry the girl they just want to bang. Be honest.”
5) “Leave if She Answers Phone During Date.” I wouldn’t be as rude as he suggests, but if I were on a date and someone started chatting with someone who just called (not an emergency, which would be quickly apparent), I think I’d just leave them to continue their clearly more important conversation. Not too fond of feeling like a prop mannequin so you don’t have to eat alone in public.
7) “Never do what you don’t want to do. … If you hate plays, why waste your time bc you think she would enjoy it. Find fun activities you both enjoy or find a girl who shares your interest. Life is short.” This seems entirely reasonable. Your partner can do the things you hate that they like without you. Nothing wrong with that. One caveat is be sure you hate the thing though. If you’ve never tried it and just think it sounds awful, give it a go.
13) “Don’t dip your pen in the company ink.”
14) “Use a condom every time.”
There are some other points I agree with in spirit. So it’s too bad that his attitude about women being stupid and only for sex and his paranoia that they’re all trying to trap him, use him, trick him, etc. keeps creeping in on all of them to poison the well.
I’m not much of a drinker, but even I know that a manly man doesn’t drink milkshake IPAs.
No, dude, you do shit me.
That’s a wall mirror, dude.
@Prith kDar
I’m a bit confused by the inclusion of this one. Isn’t the whole point of PUA to manipulate someone’s emotions so they sleep with you?
> weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
Of course you do. Because he shits you not.
And what is a “speak to the manager haircut” ? Is there somewhere a haircut which compel any manager in the vicinity to come and speak to you ?
Wait, is Duke his real name or a pseudo ? At least, he does not call himself Red Pill Dark4ngel0fDeath666…
Maybe because he is the Duke of Hazardous Grammar ?
Its an extension of the Karen meme – one of the family of shortish choppy haircuts with blonde highlights middle aged white women often get.
Having spent my youth in service, I dont think I’ll be able to stop using “Karen” to encapsulate a certain personality type, but its a shame another funny and concise social commentary surrounding class and race has been co-opted by misogynists to mean “all older women”.
Surely the stacked words would be Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV?
@Nicholas Kiddle
That is a genius insight, but if it’s a stack it should be TV, Camera, Man, Woman, Person. Stacks are unstacked in reverse order.