By David Futrelle
So the regulars over on Incels.co are having a little discussion about porn — whether it’s a useful “cope” for inceks or some sort of mind-contro; plot by Teh Jews. (“Porn causes men to be coomers that end up being simps that support whores,” writes one fellow. “If you watch it you’re already brainwashed by the jew.”)
Then a commenter called Wizard32 pops into the discussion with assorted suggestions for artificial vaginas that he thinks will make masturbation much more fulfilling — so fulfilling, in fact, that incels will want to pass them along to their sons. (Gee, thanks dad, a used sex toy that forces me to imagine you masturbating.)
But incels by definition don’t have sons, you might object. Well, Wizard32 has a plan for that and even I have to admit that it’s rather ingenious, if a tad impractical and more than a little rapey.
note: the way to have sons is to sell your sperm to chad, ask him to squirt it inside foids before he fucks them to guarantee that while they will get pregnant, it won’t be with his sperm, so chad won’t have to pay child support.
Uh, how exactly are you going to secretly squirt some day-old incel sperm into your lady while having sex with her? Won’t she notice the squirt bottle and feel the weird cold ooze going into her?
But never mind, because Wizard32 has some thoughts on the long-term effects of his plan.
in exchange, foid never finds who you are, but your chad bro will tell you who your sons are, and you secretly pass your onaholes [Japanese sex toys] onto them as soon as the roasty mom dies of a drug overdose
How exactly do you “secretly” pass along used sex toys to your sons? Leave them in a little bag by the front door with a note? Do you include the squirt bottle you and Chad used to get her pregnant?
Euuuughhhh.
And thus ends today’s episode of Incel Life Hacks.
H/T — @EXPELincels on Twitter
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!
How long does sperm even stay viable? IIRC from the last similar discussion it’s generally only a few hours max unless promptly frozen.
Also, IIRC human penises have evolved to be shaped to remove semen that’s already there, so I think even if everything else worked Chad’s dick would displace the incel semen. And then there’s the question of why Chad wants anything to do with incels when he’s busy sleeping with all the women.
Wait, so Chad and the incels are friends (“bros”) now?
Eww. Eww. All the eww in the world.
Back when I was younger I occasionally used to read Savage Love in syndication. Although I am now aware of the multitude of ways in which it and its creator are problematic and don’t read it anymore, at one point I was less aware and I recall one specific relevant column from 2009 in which a man wrote because his son stole some of his sex toys. Dan was understandably adamant that for obvious reasons, sex toys should not be passed from father to son.
Somebody’s been reading Naked Lunch, I guess.
Why do like all misogynist have a fascination with sperm?
Doesn’t this require already being married? Good luck with that, incels.
@Lainy
I think it’s because sperm is used in reproduction and misogynists are obsessed with producing descendants (especially incels are obsessed with this), so they think that sperm is the magic key. It could also be a surviving remnant if the homunculus theory. That was a way to deny women agency by claiming the egg did not contribute, and the misogynist obsession with sperm seems to have a similar purpose.
Or it could be because they produce sperm and they think everything they produce is special and want to validate this idea.
… what.
I mean … WHAT.
I know a lot of manospherians think their semen is LIQUID GOLD, but … seriously, guys.
I thought the great inequity of the world was that incels are denied sex and human companionship. Now the problem is that they are being denied offspring? If they are as genetically inferior as they seem to think, they should be more responsible than to try to pass that along to a new generation of incel children.
What if said offspring turns out to be female? Is it time to try again? How many times do you think Chad will agree to go through with this scheme?
@naglfar
Gross
Don’t ask.
Seriously.
(Although in a slightly surprising turn of events, there turn out to be topics even they erase.)
@PoM
This is the great incel contradiction: they think they are subhuman yet also want to pass on their genes. At least white supremacists are more consistent in this regard as they think their own genes are superior.
@Alan Robertshaw: “What? The curtains?”
Not sure if typo or lexicon needs updating. Or both. I could see some jackass talking about “inkeks.”
The hell did I just read? This is like next level Handmaid’s Tale fanfiction by someone who fundamentally doesn’t understand it.
…eeewwwwwwwwwww.
This is easily the most fucked up thing that I personally have read in the wonderful year of 2020. I mean… I don’t even…
There are no words. I haven’t any words. I look for words and none are there to be found.
Ewww.
If my understanding of old pop culture films is any indication, back in the days before the internet, you might have been able to secretly pass down your porn by leaving it in a place where horny teenage boys could find it.
Nowadays, when there is a wealth of dirty pictures a Google search away, I imagine the appeal of crinkled old porn magazines is significantly diminished.
I don’t believe there was ever a time when folks coming across a mystery used sex toy was a cause for them to take the toy home, though.
The OP suggests this sperm transplant trick would somehow prevent (or make much less likely) that Chad’s own sperm would accidentally impregnate the woman. Hence, he’d have better chances at dodging child support orders.
It’s as if women are frequently seeking to become single mothers with Chad, and Chad somehow cannot just use condoms, or (despite having countless potential sex partners) limit himself to the women who are clearly into childfree life.
@Naglfar
If so, this seems much more complicated than just, like, asking your friend who is social and good with women to wingman for you.
Cool, there goes my appetite for the rest of the day. Good thing I already ate.
Another genius plan from an incel
Whoa. Isn’t there already an age-old way to have offspring. Why not try that way.
Not sure why Chad would buy your sperm at any price.
“Before we have sex, let me just squirt this mystery substance inside you.”
What makes you think she’s guaranteed to get pregnant.
,
If she does get pregnant, how do you know it won’t be with Chad’s sperm.
There’s this thing called DNA testing. If Chad isn’t the father, DNA testing is the reason he won’t have to pay child support.
Unless of course Chad has a wicked sense of humor and spills the beans.
So this legendarily promiscuous guy doesn’t move on from this woman. Instead, he stays in touch with her during and after her pregnancy, just so he can alert you to who your sons are.
Aw, who wouldn’t want Dad’s used sex toys.
Wait, she’s dead. How did that happen.
Huh, she’s on drugs. That’s definitely the kind of woman you want to give birth to and raise your sons.
So, Chad gets to fuck her, but you’re the only one on the hook for it. You still don’t get to have sex, but you do have to keep track of who Chad fucks and which other Chads might also fuck the same women, to figure out which children might be yours.
You’re spending all your time keeping track of who other people are fucking. How is this not just the ultimate self-cucking?
Ick. Ick. Ick.
I want to vomit. What more vile stuff can they come up with?
So what happens to the son when the mom dies of a drug overdose? Does the incel raise him?
@Kat
Probably that incels don’t understand how conception works. I think they think it’s automatic whenever sperm is in the vagina.
@Lukas Xavier
IKR? They reinvented the whole Alpha Fucks, Beta Buxx they’re always complaining about, and somehow think it’s a win.
Incels are HORRIFIED by the idea that another man’s sperm might once have touched a woman they want to sleep with. But they expect Chad to be thrilled with the idea of turkey-basting another dude’s sperm into a woman right before having sex with her?
Fun fact: It’s actually illegal to sell gametes, in the same way that it’s illegal to sell any other body part. (Sperm donors are compensated a minimal amount for their time only.)
As Kat said, why would Chad pay an incel for sperm, anyway? There’s zero benefit to him, when a condom would be a lot cheaper, and he could skip the awkward squirt bottle foreplay. Like everybody else, Chad thinks incels are hateful little creeps. He’s not going to bend over backwards to interrupt his sexual encounters in order to make their fantasies come true.
Of course, donating to a sperm bank would be much simpler than this cockamamie scheme, but besides the fact that they’d be screened out within ten seconds due to their utterly repellant personalities, incels are incapable of doing anything altruistic that might benefit a feeeeemale. It has to be a trick. Women have to be conned somehow, or the sex doesn’t count.
And then what? What happens to the sons after mom dies of a drug overdose? Does the incel step forward to claim them (and thus put himself on the hook for child support?) Or do they get adopted/go into the foster care system, and the incel has to secretly meet up with them after school to pass on the sex toys? Because as we all know, kids are perfectly fine with pervy adult strangers following them around the playground with a brown paper bag full of used fleshlights.
“Yes, son. The roast beef curtains.”
(ew…incel slang for everything is so vile)