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Just another lazy Saturday on the Semen Retention subreddit

By David Futrelle

Fellow penis-havers and potential semen retainers! The resaon you find it so difficult to refrain from cranking your hog is *checks notes* WITCHES!

jumperf221 1 point 7 hours ago 
You have to understand this society is ran by witches. (Kardashians for example) (in Jewish culture they do lineage by your mother while in the Bible and many other societies lineage is determined by your father) . The mother goddess , whore of Babylon spirit runs deep in this society which is modern day Babylon. In wicken culture they deem the woman higher than man. They don’t want men to be strong and they know the biggest distraction between God and man is woman/lust.

Damn those Kardashians and their witchy ways!

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Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
11 months ago

wicken culture

As in, Gwyneth Paltrow candles?

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
11 months ago

Witches, they’re everywhere, on the streets, in the cupboards and even on the internet. Some say they are even witches amongst us.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
11 months ago

(This might be a bit Brit-centric)

comment image

Hexum7
Hexum7
11 months ago

It’s that darned Mrs. Stephens up to something strange again!

Miri
Miri
11 months ago

Ah yes. The Bible. Which has absolutely nothing to do with Judaism.

epronovost
epronovost
11 months ago

A lot of mistakes in very few sentences.

1) The Ancient Hebrews were patriarchal.
2) The Bible is the Hebrew holy book.
3) It’s Wiccan not Wicken.
4) Gardnerian Wiccan, the eldest coven and founder of the movement, is patriarchal. Other forms of Wiccan arre gender equal and Dianic Wiccan is indeed misandrist (and also transmysoginist).
5) According to most theologians of abrahamic faiths, the greatest obstacle between man and God is pride not lust.
6) lust is a sin commited in the mind as much as in the body. If one obsesses over sexual denial and over the power of that denial, that person is making a sin of lust.

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

This reads like someone skimmed a Kabbalah primer and then skimmed the Book of Revelations and tried to combine the two while totally missing the point of either.

I can’t tell if he’s trying to say that Jewish witches are the problem or if Jews and witches are separate but both matrilineal. If the former, I’m a Jewish woman and I have a penis, so I’m not sure what this means for my prospects as a witch.
I’m also pretty sure the Kardashians aren’t Jewish, so that’s just odd.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
11 months ago

@ naglfar

I’m also pretty sure the Kardashians aren’t Jewish, so that’s just odd.

I don’t know about any individual family members’ religious beliefs, or even if they have any such beliefs at all, but the Kardashian family in Armenia were Spiritual Christians.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I’m also pretty sure the Kardashians aren’t Jewish, so that’s just odd.

Armenians aren’t super-Aryan looking (see also Anita Sarkeesian) therefore, they are Jewish. That’s just science!

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@WWTH
Anita Sarkeesian has been called out by GamerGaters as secretly Jewish and caricatured as such, so that wouldn’t be the first time fascists have compared the two.
In reality there are a few similarities I can think of between Jews and Armenians, like that both have historically been persecuted in many countries, were the victims of genocides, and have historically lives as diasporas. Not that that makes the Kardashians Jewish or justifies the antisemitism, but interesting to note.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
11 months ago

Sounds like somebody mistook this for a documentary again:

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
11 months ago

@ naglfar

were the victims of genocides

Indeed, and Hitler specifically cited the Armenian genocide as an inspiration.

Our strength consists in our speed and in our brutality. Genghis Khan led millions of women and children to slaughter – with premeditation and a happy heart. History sees in him solely the founder of a state. It’s a matter of indifference to me what a weak western European civilization will say about me. I have issued the command – and I’ll have anybody who utters but one word of criticism executed by a firing squad – that our war aim does not consist in reaching certain lines, but in the physical destruction of the enemy. Accordingly, I have placed my death-head formation in readiness – for the present only in the East – with orders to them to send to death mercilessly and without compassion, men, women, and children of Polish derivation and language. Only thus shall we gain the living space (Lebensraum) which we need. Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?

I do find it a bit ironic that so many progressives today are happily on board with ‘The Young Turks‘.

In 100 years time maybe people will be saying “Hey, check out the Proud Boys!”

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Alan Robertshaw

In 70 years time maybe people will be saying “Hey, check out the Proud Boys!”

Then it will have all come full circle, seeing as the Proud Boys were named after a running gag on Gavin McInnes’s podcast.

Justin Campbell
Justin Campbell
11 months ago

The only Babylons that are still relevant are Kenneth Anger’s “Hollywood Babylon” and J. Michael Straczynski’s “Babylon 5.”

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
11 months ago

@ naglfar

seeing as the Proud Boys were named after a running gag

I guess that’s appropriate as even the word Nazi derived from a joke.

A homonymic term Nazi was in use before the rise of the NSDAP in Bavaria as a pet name for Ignaz and (by extension from that) a derogatory word for a backwards peasant, which may have influenced the use of that abbreviation by the Nazis’ opponents and its avoidance by the Nazis themselves.

[BTW, sorry, I edited the years in my first post as I realised I’d got my maths wrong.]

Nequam
Nequam
11 months ago

@Justin Campbell: Maybe also Pat Frank’s Alas, Babylon.

Viscaria
Viscaria
11 months ago

The reason you find it so difficult to refrain from cranking your hog is *checks notes* WITCHES!

I don’t want to cause controversy or anything, but have the semen retainers considered that maybe why they are tempted to have orgasms is because they enjoy orgasms? There are a lot of people who think orgasms feel good. Anyways that’s my hot take; I hope it’s not too out there.

Dalillama
Dalillama
11 months ago

@Alan

I do find it a bit ironic that so many progressives today are happily on board with ‘The Young Turks‘.

“Progressives”. They were the dirtbag left before that was a thing, and Cenk Fucking Ughyr is a genocide denier.

@Naglfar
Both groups are stereotyped as having large, beaky noses, olive skin, and curly dark hair. These guys have an idea in their heads of what Jewish people look like, and a fair number of Armenians roughly match it, so any prominent Armenian is likely to catch antisemitic shit.

Allandrel
Allandrel
11 months ago

@Justin Campbell

The only Babylons that are still relevant are Kenneth Anger’s “Hollywood Babylon”

Because it so easily got large numbers of people to believe blatant lies?

and J. Michael Straczynski’s “Babylon 5.”

Mr. Morden would only have needed ask Trump “What do you want?” once and he would have the greatest servant of the Shadows ever, utterly convinced that he was conning Morden and his “associates.”

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Viscaria

There are a lot of people who think orgasms feel good.

Indeed, and I would say people who enjoy orgasms should enjoy them guilt free. I feel like the semen retainers would be better off if they just accepted that it’s okay to masturbate and have sex and that semen isn’t going to make them superheroes.

That was a very hot take, I apologize for anyone who got burned.

Orion Anderson
Orion Anderson
11 months ago

Cenk Fucking Ughyr is a genocide denier.

Last year he finally recanted and apologized for that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Xib49Opls0

I still can’t stand the guy, but it’s nice to see someone make progress.

Podkayne Lives
Podkayne Lives
11 months ago

1) The Ancient Hebrews were patriarchal.

I think he’s confused because modern Judaism is matrilineal (with in most streams), solely in terms of determining Jewish status, but descent was patrilineal up to the Romans or thereabouts, and status as a Cohen or Levi is still patrilineal.

OK, mostly I think he’s just confused.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
11 months ago

@Naglfar:

This reads like someone skimmed a Kabbalah primer and then skimmed the Book of Revelations and tried to combine the two while totally missing the point of either.

The point of the latter was “Nero is evil and Rome will soon fall”, as I recall. Which means anyone making a big fuss about it is probably busily still waiting for an apocalypse that happened 1500 years ago.

@WWTH:

Armenians aren’t super-Aryan looking (see also Anita Sarkeesian) therefore, they are Jewish. That’s just science!

Well, except that Hitler’s concept of “Aryan” (basically, tall blonde Swede) was wrong. Here are some actual Aryans, i.e. Indo-Iranian in ancestry:

comment image

Funnily enough, they actually do look a bit like Anita Sarkeesian. Both Jews and Armenians are probably more closely related to (real, actual) Aryans than tall, blonde Swedes are, since their historical homelands are quite close to Iran. Whose name, incidentally, shares the same etymological root as the word “Aryan”.

You can’t swing a dead cat around fascists without hitting something they got really, seriously ironically wrong.

Lainy
Lainy
11 months ago

Shit, guys there on to us. Their going to alert the church if we’re not careful.

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Podkayne Lives

I think he’s confused because modern Judaism is matrilineal (with in most streams), solely in terms of determining Jewish status

In theory it does work that way, but in the modern day it’s mainly fundamentalists that would be insistent on that basis. In practice most modern Jews would accept either having a Jewish mother or a Jewish father as making someone Jewish.

C.A. Collins
C.A. Collins
11 months ago

Just for my own curiosity, what’s the average lag time before the matrix generates a new troll?
I’ll admit that last one didn’t have much candy in him, but still, it seems wrong not to have some edge lord hyperventilating over a semen post.

Paireon
Paireon
11 months ago

Welp, most of what I wanted to say about my thoughts RE: semen retainers’ “thoughts” has already been said. So here’s a pitch-black Russian joke I saw on the net regarding Armenians and another familiar ethnic group:

An old Armenian is on his deathbed. “Listen closely children,” he says. They lean in, ears straining. “Above all else, treasure the Jews.” “Why the Jews, father?” they ask. “Because once they’ve been dealt with, we’ll be next!” he says.

Also, @Surplus: to which specific ethnic group do these women belong to, more precisely? From appearances I’d guess a North Indian one, maybe Nepali? My inner anthropologist is dying to know.

Paireon
Paireon
11 months ago

@Shadowplay: Oh, cool! Thanks!

…Aaaannd according to that article it turns out they’re refugees stuck with a history of religious and ethnic persecution, including where they’re currently living (still as refugees). Fuck.

Why human is asshoe.

epitome of incomprehensibility

@Miri – 😛 Also, the Bible is apparently a “society” –

in the Bible and many other societies

Anyway, so he’s misrepresenting 2 or 3 religions, claiming the Kardashians are witches, and characterizing men as thinking and feeling beings while women are only agents of lust…

I’d say that’s probably par for the course on this particular subreddit, but it’s impressive he managed to do all that in one short paragraph!

Jarred H
11 months ago

“Wicken.”

Excuse me, I need to go laugh myself into a heap now.

Okay, now that I’m done with that. This person clearly knows anything about Wicca or any other forms of witchcraft.

But I will admit there is some truth to this. I mean, I’m a practicing (Vanic) witch and force myself to masturbate regularly. Granted, my forcing myself to masturbate amounts to thinking, “You know, an orgasm would feel real good right about now.”

Jarred H
11 months ago

@epronovost:

Unless you hold significant degrees in the study of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, I’d be very careful about making blanket statements about “Abrahamic faiths.” While technically the same collection of manuscripts, the Jews tend to approach the Torah very differently from the way that Christians approach the Old Testament, for example. Heck, their very understanding of “sin” tends to be vastly different.

Allandrel
Allandrel
11 months ago

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Jarred H
I’m not an expert on Abrahamic faiths (I’m Jewish but know little about Christianity and Islam) but I can confirm that the Jewish approach to the OT is very different than the Christian approach. As well, Judaism centers a lot around commentary by later scholars discussing the original text. Another key difference is that most strains of Judaism encourages discussion and debating viewpoints regarding law and practice, which most Christian groups AFAIK discourage.

The Jewish view on sin is different from the Christian view, as is the view on atonement. Judaism places an emphasis on apologizing to those wronged and trying to make the situation right rather than confession to clergy. Some branches of Christianity may also do this, I don’t know.

Since I don’t know much about Christian or Islamic views on these topics, do any other commenters want to chime in?

Lizard People Operative
Lizard People Operative
11 months ago

in Jewish culture they do lineage by your mother…

It’s amazing how surprised he seems to find this out. “Guys! Guys! The Jews… have matrilineal descent!

Jarred H
11 months ago

@Naglfar

Thanks for chiming in. What I know of Judaism is what little I’ve picked up from various rabbis I follow on Twitter and other Jewish friends and associates. I am no way an expert on Judaism myself. So I definitely appreciate someone who can speak to it more authoritatively doing so.

I did spend the first 24 years of my life as an evangelical Christian (American Baptist with some forays into a more charismatic, nondenominational church, to be more precise). There tended to be “one authoritative interpretation” of things. One of the things I appreciated about Judaism as I learned more about it is how the Torah is open to much interpretation and debate over interpretation as a matter of….for lack of a better term, sacred practice in its own right.

epitome of incomprehensibility

@Naglfar –

Catholic and Orthodox Christianity are generally the confessing-in-front-of-a-priest types, while Protestants don’t do that systematically (not sure about all branches). The church my parents go to (Presbyterian) has a “prayer of confession” in the service; the minister leaves a minute of silence. I remember how my mind would wander! Anyway,

apologizing to those wronged and trying to make the situation right

seems more sensible, IMO. 🙂 I mean, Protestants are supposed to do that too, but the confessing-to-God part always seemed to be more emphasized.

As for commentaries and discussion, I don’t think any of the main church branches have something like the Talmud. I mean there’s no “official” commentary that’d be equivalent. There are a lot of commentaries but not many people read them. I think (Catholic-turned-agnostic) James Joyce boasted of reading all of Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologica – show off! 😛

But arguing over laws and practices is pretty common (edit: though like @Jarred wrote, some groups are very much “my way or the highway”). The Presbyterian Church in Canada is still trying to decide whether to allow clergy to perform same-sex marriages. The U.S. branch already lets Presbyterian ministers choose to do that or not, as they wish – but the conservative elements here still think that’d be too radical. Sigh.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
11 months ago

I mean, Protestants are supposed to do that too, but the confessing-to-God part always seemed to be more emphasized.

This varies WILDLY between sects. Some American Protestant churches will have you stand up and confess your sins publicly in front of the entire congregation, while others expect you to keep it entirely between you and God, with the involvement of the wronged party falling somewhere in the middle. Many evangelical churches emphasize that the wronged party is obligated to forgive the transgressor, and that the wronged party commits the sin of “bitterness” if they’re not ready to do that just now. This is especially wielded against women who have been abused by men.

Protestant churches vary a ton and it’s hard to say any blanket thing about them.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
11 months ago

@ jarred

for lack of a better term, sacred practice in its own right.

There’s the old joke about a group of Rabbis arguing over a line in the Torah. Eventually God decides to step in, and manifests in front of them.

God tries to explain “What I am saying there is…”

But the Rabbis say “Oi, you stay out of this.”

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Alan
There’s another joke that comes to mind: If you put 2 rabbis on a desert island, you’ll get 3 interpretations of the law.

Moon Custafer
Moon Custafer
11 months ago

@epitome of incomprehensibility:

“We live in a bible…”

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
11 months ago

In my culture, Protestants are associated with a more private, less showy, less preaching brand of protestantism.

It’s alway a shock when someone remind me that evangelicals and most americans are protestants.

Also, I believe the line about rabbis and interpretations would work just as well for most theologicians :p. I actually have had heated debate about imaginary religions based on whatever is known, so I guess I understand why professional priests do that too.

Allandrel
Allandrel
11 months ago

I mostly know my own sect (Friends General Conference) and Lutheranism (as I majored in Religious Studies at a Lutheran university, although my focus was on world religions).

The understanding of sin that I came to embrace is that sin is more a matter of “not getting it” rather than “breaking the rules.” It is not so much that you Did The Bad Thing, as that you did not understand why The Bad Thing is bad. A term that several of my professors liked to use was “missing the mark.”

Quakers like the FGC do not have clergy, so any confessions tend to be to the offended party as part of trying to correct your mistakes.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
11 months ago

I always like blowing the minds of Christians, or cultural Christians, who have never really thought about it, by pointing out that yes, Jews do have a different approach to the Old Testament: for starters, they don’t call it that.

No, I’m not Jewish. I just like blowing people’s minds sometimes.

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Allandrel

A term that several of my professors liked to use was “missing the mark.”

I’ve heard this term used as a literal translation of the Biblical Hebrew word for sin. A rabbi I knew was fond of that phrase.

@Rabid Rabbit

Jews do have a different approach to the Old Testament: for starters, they don’t call it that.

I occasionally refer to it as such for the purpose of Christians understanding, but yes, we don’t typically call it that because it doesn’t really make sense to refer to an Old Testament when we don’t have a new one.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
11 months ago

Christian often think that Jews wait for a new prophet and covenant, hence why they are often surprised that it’s not called the old “testament” as in the one valid until the new one.

(I don’t know if jews actually expect a prophet, but I am pretty sure they aren’t expecting a new covenant)

What I found amusing is that muslims don’t do the same to christian. I guess if they did, the head of a lot of extremist would explode.

Naglfar
Naglfar
11 months ago

@Ohlmann

I don’t know if jews actually expect a prophet, but I am pretty sure they aren’t expecting a new covenant

Most modern Jews aren’t expecting a prophet/messiah in the present. The only real exceptions are messianic sects like Jews for Jesus, which most mainstream Jews do not consider to be Jews because their beliefs more closely resemble Christianity; and a few fringe ultra-orthodox sects which believe that a messiah has come/will come.

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
11 months ago

Christian often think that Jews wait for a new prophet and covenant, hence why they are often surprised that it’s not called the old “testament” as in the one valid until the new one.
(I don’t know if jews actually expect a prophet, but I am pretty sure they aren’t expecting a new covenant)

Logically thinking, it seems like an oxymoron that Jews would be consciously waiting for a new covenant?

I was once taught (perhaps not very accurately) that Jews still wait for the Messiah, but there was no mention of covenant, or how the two differ from each other. I don’t see why either Jews or Christians would be perceived as waiting for a new covenant. AFAIK Christians ostensibly wait for a second coming of Christ, but even that isn’t supposed to happen until apocalypse.

Edit: Thanks for clarification, Naglfar.

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
11 months ago

@epronovost

6) lust is a sin commited in the mind as much as in the body. If one obsesses over sexual denial and over the power of that denial, that person is making a sin of lust.

Yeah, that’s the fun part about this. There are so many cases like this… the people who loudly complain about homosexuality certainly seem to spend a lot more time thinking about sex acts than most of the people actually doing them.

@Jarred H, Alan Robertshaw:

God tries to explain “What I am saying there is…”

But the Rabbis say “Oi, you stay out of this.”

The version I heard was that there was an argument over a point of law amongst a group of (I think) five rabbis, with four on one side and one on the other. Now, part of the more ‘constitutional’ part of the law is that in disagreements like this the majority carries. “I’m sorry, Elder, but it’s four against one.”

Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes the ground, writing that the lone rabbi was correct.

After a few seconds, the rabbi who had spoken before says, “All right, now it’s four against two.”

(At least one version of that story ends with a coda where someone later hears God chuckling, actually happy that they held to the Law closely enough to side with the purpose of the law rather than his dictates.)

@epitome of incomprehensibility:
Well, the thing you have to remember about the Presbyterian Church of Canada is that it is rather more a conservative group than their American counterparts. Because they’re the leftovers after two thirds of the Presbyterians joined with the Methodist Church of Canada, the Congregational Union of Ontario and Quebec, and the Association of Local Union Churches to form the United Church of Canada back in 1925. (Mostly because so many of the smaller towns out west weren’t big enough for multiple churches, and they all figured that their similarities were greater than their differences, so they would have more churches by working together than by competing.)

So the modern Presbyterian Church of Canada are ‘descended’ from the people who refused to join up with the newly-formed more generic and liberal Church almost a century ago. It’s sadly not surprising they tend to be more conservative.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
11 months ago

@ jenora

I like that version.

Reminds me of some politician over here; can’t remember which one. There was a vote where he was the only dissenter so it was like thirty to one.

“Ah, so we have an impasse.”

Speaking of judaic arguing. Anyone read The Portage to San Cristobal of A.H. Can see why it’s controversial obviously; but I think it’s a great book.