By David Futrelle
If you’ve been reading this blog for long, you probably know how terrified many manospherians are of getting spermjacked — that is, having some woman they’ve just had sex with fishing their used condoms out of the trash and using the sperm to impregnate herself so she can live the high life off of the sweet child support cash.
So you also know that these guys often share tips on how to avoid this dire fate — by flushing the condoms down the toilet, for example, or by squirting a bit of tabasco sauce into them. (Some dedicated anti-spermjackers claim to carry tabasco sauce with them at all times in case sex suddenly breaks out.)
But this isn’t enough for some wary men. In a discussion today in the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit, one commenter suggested microwaving used condoms “so she doesnt hit you with the dumpster dive baby.”
But another commenter by the name of fmanly isn’t sure this would be enough.
Honestly, I’m not sure how effective a microwave would be for this purpose. It might just mess the DNA up just enough that you’ll be paying medical bills on top of the regular support.
Now, obviously if you heat it to boiling/etc that will probably kill the sperm, but the effects would be more thermal – putting it in boiling water would have the same effect.
I suspect a few seconds on high probably wouldn’t do much. Microwaves aren’t ionizing – they’re lower energy than visible light.
UV-C is another story if you can penetrate through everything (I’m sure the latex would absorb a lot of it though). Gamma rays are really the only way to be sure when it comes to EM sterilization – well, that or X-rays.
Now, I realize that fmanly here is probably making these last suggestions somewhat tongue-in-cheek. But on the off chance that one of his readers might take him seriously, I would like to strongly warn anyone contemplating this strategy: DO NOT PELT YOUR SPERM WITH GAMMA RAYS.
Because you know where that can lead:
You’ve been warned.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
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Effects of small dose of radiations aren’t very well known AFAIK. We tend to put out norms as if the effect decreasing linearly with the radiation, which is a prudent stance. But in reality, nobody have a strong grasp about what small radiations doses like the one described by you or Alan would do.
Also, radiations are likely worse for childrens and teenagers than adults because they have more cellular divisions and during a cellular division the DNA is more vulnerable. Another reason for your teacher to not care too much !
Tabasco as spermicide.
*looks at open bottle of Tabasco in kitchen*
*checks to verify new bottle of Tabasco is in pantry*
Nah, I’ll just stick to using it in cooking. We go through a bottle every year or so.
@Ohlmann
It’s also possible that she just didn’t want to get sued so she thought it would be better to take risks herself.
@Masse_Mysteria, my mum used to bring home liquid nitrogen from work occasionally – a couple of times one or other of my siblings had a wart, and that’s what she used to remove them. Seems to have worked all right (I was quite young at the time and only have a general recollection, but I remember it was fun doing the smash-the-grape-with-a-hammer thing at the kitchen table).
@Naglfar; @sarah_kay_gee:
Fun Tabasco anecdote, from my own observation of a Meijer’s in Dayton, Ohio in late August 2005: hours before Hurricane Katrina was due to steamroller Louisiana, the condiment aisle had been stripped bare of Tabasco sauce—evidently a lot of people’s immediate reaction was to stockpile a threatened regionally produced staple. (Interestingly, alternate brands such as Louisiana and Frank’s were still available.)
@opposablethumbs
When I was a kid I saw a demonstration at a museum of someone smashing flowers and rubber balls with liquid nitrogen and begged my mother to get me some. She never did (which was probably for the best, I was about 7 years old and probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it safely), but I was able to convince an older friend to sneak me some dry ice from a local university’s chemistry lab. That was fun to play with while it lasted, I would put it in water and watch it spin as it sublimated.
@ masse mysteria & naglfar
I once went to a son et lumiere lecture. Basically it was a bloke doing amazingly fun stuff to make loud bangs and bright lights. Which I guess was sort of implicit in the title.
It was stuff like running oxy-acetalyne through bubble bath then igniting it; soaking wire wool in liquid oxygen and dropping it on a battery etc.
But not only did the guy pour liquid nitrogen over his hand; he gargled with it! It’s safe because as it evaporates it creates an insulating layer that separates your actual flesh from the cold part.
He also showed how they got some of the Star Wars blaster sounds by igniting chemicals in six foot long test tubes. As the explosion moves up the tube you get that characteristic woob sound.
It was a fun evening.
@Alan Robertshaw
I’ve seen people do that with their hands, but I would think gargling is a step far due to the amount of time one would be in contact with it. That’s a part I wouldn’t try at home.
The same thing happens to a degree with hot substances as well like melted lead (though I still would not recommend playing with molten lead for many reasons).
Note to my fellow bioscience students and researchers: Do not attempt this at work.
Oh yes, you can gargle molten lead without suffering burns therefrom. If you do it very often, though, you’ll get lead poisoning from small amounts of lead bubbling off in the vapours and then passing through your mucous membranes. Liquefied inert gasses are a much safer plan, but historically much harder to come by.
Really?
Damn; probably should have read all the way to the end.
As to the nitrogen; I noticed he kept gargling until it had all evaporated. Probably not something you’d want to spit out.
I don’t really think the tabasco sauce is meant as a spermicide (though the vinegar in it might have an effect, don’t really know) but as a booby trap. They kind of hate women in general.
I don’t care much for the cheap hot sauce brands. They’re basically just varying degrees of “hot” and no real flavor except maybe “vinegary”, which I don’t really want in most foods. I prefer the premium stuff which costs like $7-$12 per bottle. It’s also fun to try out new flavors. The most recent ones I bought were jalapeño-lime-tequila and ghost pepper-serrano-plum-charcoal, both of which I liked very much.
@ dali
I bet Crassus wished he’d known that.
@Snowberry
Yeah, you can tell they’re just fantasizing about women getting hot sauce in their vaginas. I’d imagine this would be quite painful.
I agree re: hot sauce, I’m willing to shell out for the better quality stuff.
Here’s a Darwin Award correspondent’s Personal Account of the consequences of putting scientific inquiry in his mouth:
https://darwinawards.com/personal/personal2000-25.html
Uhm, does Tabasco sauce, including all its assorted variants, normally come in white/cream colors? The hot sauces I’m most familiar with normally come in red colors, or sometimes bright green colors. White isn’t a usual color for those brands of sauce, so it would be harder to disguise it as semen for a trap. Wouldn’t it?
@Alan Robertshaw
You mean like this? (It’s a u-shaped tube, but makea the same sound)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eW4l2DQ0n4s
@ Tovius
Yes!!! That’s the one.
The guy I saw used a longer straight tube, and I seem to remember it was a much bigger diameter. Maybe four to six inches. The sound was a bit deeper too.
But that was the effect. It looked great with the lights down; it’s visually pretty exciting.
@ Tovius
Yes!!! That’s the one.
The guy I saw used a longer straight tube, and I seem to remember it was a much bigger diameter. Maybe four to six inches. The sound was a bit deeper too.
But that was the effect. It looked great with the lights down; it’s visually pretty exciting.
Incidentally, I love that guy’s videos. I do like my scientists cliched.
Ooh, double post
@Full Metal Ox
Not sure if this is the same guy, but here’s a case study about liquid nitrogen ingestion I found.
Is sperm stealing from miggies really a thing? Because I can’t imagine risking bringing another one of those into this world.
I am willing to bet several large Trader Joe’s candy bars the first ones to gargle liquid nitrogen or lead were guys. “Hold my beer” has a high probability of also being involved.
(BTW, you can tell anybody *not* from the South when they say “Hold my beer”. No true redneck would *ever* give up their beer.)
Women are smarter than guys to do stuff like that.
As far as used condoms: Much easier to also carry a ziplock snack bag for the condom and take it home. But we are not dealing with the sharpest knife in the drawer. Most could not even remember the lyrics to the Batman theme song.
I cannot stop thinking about how very, very much I do not want anyone to heat bodily fluids of any kind in my microwave. Just please no.
@Snowberry : capsaicin, the hot ingredient in chillis is an anti-microbial, and the reason for which hit country tend to use very spicy food is because it lower the odds of food contamination. So, yes, there is a decent and scientific reason to think that it should work against sperm too, given that overall sperm is less resilient than bacterias.
(in nature, capsacin evolved as a selective poison that would make the mammals back away and let bird eat chillis. Great success here :p)
@ITNTIWDB : “Nananananananan shit what it is already ? Boobieman ?”