By David Futrelle
If you’ve been reading this blog for long, you probably know how terrified many manospherians are of getting spermjacked — that is, having some woman they’ve just had sex with fishing their used condoms out of the trash and using the sperm to impregnate herself so she can live the high life off of the sweet child support cash.
So you also know that these guys often share tips on how to avoid this dire fate — by flushing the condoms down the toilet, for example, or by squirting a bit of tabasco sauce into them. (Some dedicated anti-spermjackers claim to carry tabasco sauce with them at all times in case sex suddenly breaks out.)
But this isn’t enough for some wary men. In a discussion today in the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit, one commenter suggested microwaving used condoms “so she doesnt hit you with the dumpster dive baby.”
But another commenter by the name of fmanly isn’t sure this would be enough.
Honestly, I’m not sure how effective a microwave would be for this purpose. It might just mess the DNA up just enough that you’ll be paying medical bills on top of the regular support.
Now, obviously if you heat it to boiling/etc that will probably kill the sperm, but the effects would be more thermal – putting it in boiling water would have the same effect.
I suspect a few seconds on high probably wouldn’t do much. Microwaves aren’t ionizing – they’re lower energy than visible light.
UV-C is another story if you can penetrate through everything (I’m sure the latex would absorb a lot of it though). Gamma rays are really the only way to be sure when it comes to EM sterilization – well, that or X-rays.
Now, I realize that fmanly here is probably making these last suggestions somewhat tongue-in-cheek. But on the off chance that one of his readers might take him seriously, I would like to strongly warn anyone contemplating this strategy: DO NOT PELT YOUR SPERM WITH GAMMA RAYS.
Because you know where that can lead:
You’ve been warned.
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
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@Alan @Johanna
DO WANT THIS SCIENCE KIT!
Srsly, you had radioactive isotopes in high school?! Wow. I didn’t use any radioisotopes until I worked in research laboratories after undergrad.
The alpha and beta sources in these kits and samples were probably very weak emitters with short half-lives. (Still, despite the kit illustrations, don’t hold them near your face.) The gamma emitter was probably present in such small amounts that it wasn’t very hazardous. Do you remember which isotopes you used? I’m just curious.
An ordinary sheet of paper stops alpha particles (helium nuclei) because they are relatively large and slow-moving. To stop beta particles (electrons) lab personnel use a cm of Plexiglas and keep the emitter no closer than arm’s length. No one outside the nuclear industry or nuclear medicine should have access to gamma emitters (gamma rays are a form of light which is really electromagnetic radiation.) These emitters require users to wear thick lead shields. Medical equipment is sterilized using cobalt-60, a gamma emitter.
Sufficient exposure to gamma radiation can be lethal. So yes, it will kill biological cells, damage DNA, and cause cancer. UV can also kill biological cells, damage DNA, and cause cancer, but UV light is much less energetic than gamma. Labs routinely use UV to sterilize biological hoods (which must be shielded) and also for biomolecule detection.
Sorry for the nerd rant.
I wouldn’t be surprised if various menospherians refer to their own sperm cells as “alpha particles”.
@Lucrece
There actually has been at least one device that did this, from back in the day when we thought radiation was good for you. The radioendocrinator was a jockstrap mounted device that supposedly promoted health, and FWIW it did cause temporary sterility after a few days of wear. However, it also caused burning to the skin, radiation sickness, and over extended periods may have increased risk of testicular cancer.
@Ginger, Alan Robertshaw
The aesthetics of science kits from that era is unrivaled by anything today. I feel like if kits looked cooler more kids would get into chemistry.
I imagine a man asking his date post-coitus, “Do you happen to have any plutonium lying around? No?”
What if she turns out to be the secret identity of Supergirl? Better carry some kryptonite just to be safe.
Hopefully, the Migtoes leave my beloved Piri-Piri alone…
@ Johanna
Oh wow, you’ve triggered a memory now. Our instructions were very similar, but I really remember “Don’t feed them to the guinea pigs”
@ ginger
I’d love that kit. And it’s just so 1950’s; when the future was bright, clean, and nuclear powered.
I am not even sure that it would assure their stated goal. Similar to how on exceptional circumstance it’s possible to retrieve datas from hard disk who have been demagnetized, bathed in acid, and shot at with firearms, I don’t think there is a 0% odds of finding enough genetic material from ionized sperms to make a medically assisted procreation attempt.
Especially since there is a boring solution appliable for all such situations : if you fear people will do something nefarious with part of your belonging or wastes, take thoses home. That seem both a lot easier to apply and a lot more boring than talking about gamma ray.
@Ohlmann
Even better, the MGTOWs could just not have sex because they’ve supposedly gone their own way. Then condoms of sperm are no longer an issue.
@Naglfar
But it’s not fair that they have to give up something they want to have, when all they’ve done is mold their whole sense of self around giving that up.
@Alan & Johanna
We also did some sort of radiation thingie when I was in school some 15 years ago. We students weren’t allowed to participate, though. The teacher ushered us into the back of the classroom while she performed the demonstration in the front. When we asked her why we had to be so far away if she could safely be that close, she said, “It’s okay, I do this every year.”
I still don’t understand what she meant, since if she did it every year (maybe multiple times with different groups), wouldn’t it have been better for her to be at the back to minimize the effects? Unless if she wanted us to think that repeated small amounts of radiation make you immune.
@ masse mysteria
There’s a theory called Radiation Hormesis that suggests some exposure to radiation may actually be beneficial. I find that reassuring as “living in Cornwall” is listed as a separate category in the UN list of radiological hazards.
We get alerts like this on the weather app.
Public service announcement, please don’t flush condoms and clog up the civic waterways, please and thank you
@Naglfar as a Louisianan who lives about 20 minutes from Avery Island I am contractually obligated to label these FIGHTIN’ WORDS, but truthfully I prefer Crystal (which is also a Louisiana product). (Also Frank’s but only for Buffalo wings.)
I do really like to eat at the company restaurant on the island though; I didn’t realize boudin was missing anything until I had it topped with Tabasco brand sweet pepper jelly. They also frequently have soft serve in the company store made with both regular Tabasco or raspberry chipotle Tabasco, which are right in the intersection of weird and delicious.
This has been a plug for Louisiana tourism, y’all come see us when this corona virus thing blows over.
Also to make this comment at least slightly on topic, I fervently hope that some idiot, somewhere, has tried this trick and forgotten the hot sauce goes into the condom AFTER they use it.
@Alan Robertshaw
Why is there so much radiation in Cornwall? Is it radon from the ground? Where I live in Massachusetts there’s radon which I have a system to remove.
@Masse_mysteria
Maybe she was trying to add a bonus biology lesson about the effects of chronic radiation syndrome? Or re-enact what happened to Marie Curie?
@sarah_kay_gee
Agree.
I’ve never been to the Tabasco company restaurant, I’ll check it out if I’m ever in Louisiana.
“I’m sure in 1985, plutonium is available at every corner drugstore, but in 1955 it’s a little hard to come by.” – Doc Brown
Sadly, no. And no flying cars, either. Aside from the absurdity of how one obtains gamma radiation, how long is jizz in a condom biologically viable?
@Lumipuna:
I know that alpha particles are stopped by paper. Does that include kleenex?
@Naglfar:
Marie Skłodowska-Curie
@ naglfar
Primarily yes, and just the general geology. They used to mine uranium here (as a by-product of tin and copper mining). This was before they knew of its radiological properties, but it was used to colour stained glass. A number of the old buildings here still have uranium glass windows.
Once they did realise what Uranium was they re-opened a number of the mines. They also sold the old slag heaps to farmers as “Radioactive Manure”.
There are so many really smart people here. You all always wow me. I love reading the comments here.
@Alan:
I was in a couple of courses at the high school and university level in which someone brought in a Geiger counter—I think in high-school they used it to demonstrate the low-level radiation coming off different rocks (one girl had an heirloom ring whose semi-precious stone produced enough of a reaction that she questioned if it was safe to keep wearing it, though I think the teacher’ conclusion was that it was still below dangerous levels, and also that the ring setting meant she had a piece of metal between her finger and the rock.
University physics professor brought in an old piece of mango-red Fiestaware (i.e., uranium-glazed) just to show off.
My friend Angus who was in real STEM courses told me about getting to see the university’s slowpoke reactor. Apparently it was decorated with bumper stickers saying IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU’RE TOO CLOSE and things of that nature.
@ ginger
Sorry, meant to address this before. I’m afraid I can’t remember (which might explain my ‘D’ in A level Physics). I do recall they were kept in these rather smart lead lined wooden boxes, and we were told to use tongs to pick up the Gamma ones.
We did of course slip them into each other’s pockets and drop them down the back of each other’s shirts.
@Lawrence
IIRC it depends on temperature, but generally less than an hour unless it’s frozen or kept at exactly testicular temperature.
@ moon custafer
There was a nuclear reactor at the Naval College in Greenwich; the only reactor ever installed in a 17th Century building apparently (It is a gorgeous building; inside and out).
https://ornc.org/our-story/royal-naval-college/life-at-the-royal-naval-college/
@Alan Robertshaw : the same radon problem exist in Britanny, where all the granite generate significant amount of radon. Not enough to really be dangerous, but enough to be noticeable, and possibly cause trouble in specific cases. I am not aware of uranium mining in that region however.
@Naglfar : well, a woman can reasonably often be fertilized up to seven day after having sex, so I guess testicular or vaginal temperature should both be good.
As far as I know, sperm average useable time outside of the body is quite low, but outliers can happen and last impressively long. That’s similar to how disinfecting a surface enough for it to be safe to eat on is easy, but disinfecting it enough to not bring germs to Mars or the Moon is almost impossible – 99% of the germs die to regular cleaning, the 1% basically require more than ten time the effort to get rid of.
It’s also why it’s better to shoot for good contraception and use abortion for the freak case than trying to have an absolutely safe capsule, erm, contraceptive. Even vasectomy should more be considered “99.9%” than perfect contraception.
@Ohlmann
The only 100% perfect means of contraception seems to either be castrating the person with testicles or an oophorectomy and/or hysterectomy for the person with a uterus. Due to that not being reversible and having numerous other side effects, most people don’t seem to want that.
@Alan
I hadn’t thought of that. I guess my best hypothesis has always been that she knew there wasn’t any danger, but that a student’s parents had complained in the past when they’d heard we’d sone something “dangerous” in class. Good thing there was nothing like that at uni when they let us play with liquid nitrogen.
@Naglfar
Now that I think back to it, she might have done it to seem cool, warning us to keep away and then treating the risk she’s taking like no big deal. That would feel like a nicer option than just not caring.