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Young Red Piller thinks he’s found the girl of his dreams … until he discovers that she once used a vibrator

Note: If your vibrator moves like this, it’s probably broken

By David Futrelle

It‘s amazing what the so-called “Red Pill” can do to some guys’ brains. Consider the case of one myrenaissance, an aspiring pickup artist who recently came to the Red Pill subreddit with his tale of woe: he had found what he thought was his ideal woman, his perfect “unicorn” — until he uncovered her secret flaw.

Myrenaissance — an earnest and impressionable young lad of 21 — told the tale of his sad journey. He began with a confession:

I’ve taken a three year haitus on the Pill since I first discovered this subreddit in 2017. I am turning 21 this coming June, and it has taken another unfortunate, but liberating realization that the Red Pill is the only mindset to keep.

Oh dear. In the intervening years, he reported,

I guess I went on monk mode, or I was being a little bitch. I’m going to be a senior in college now and I haven’t been smashing anywhere near the amount of broads as I want to. Probably a couple.

I love that “probably a couple.” The chance he doesn’t know the exact number of “broads” he “smashed” is zero, which coincidentally is probably also the number of the aforementioned smashed “broads.”

Anyway, his luck had recently changed — or so he thought.

Recently I swiped and matched with this chick on Tinder and we hit it off. We Facetimed nearly every day for weeks and I can’t believe I’ve told her that I think I love her and I may want to marry her, even though deep down I don’t want to, but I don’t mind either. Her face is completely my type and her personality is 100/100.

HER FACE IS COMPLETELY MY TYPE.

She started catching feelings too and I couldn’t stop imagining/fantasizing all the great vacations and experiences we were going to make in the future…until five minutes ago when a conversation topic took me at a complete stop.

As David Byrne once (allegedly) said while being dragged into the bushes by muggers, uh oh!

It felt like a semi-truck of liberation and genuine sadness that this girl is not the one. Or any girl for that matter.

Jesus Christ. Is she a mass murderer? Does she light puppies on fire for fun? What could this revelation have been?

We were talking and the conversation led to the use the “Hitachi Wand.” For some of you who don’t know what that is, look it up. Its basically a vibrator on steroids that makes a girl clit explode. I asked her how she was so familiar with it and I literally had to dig up information from her past using semantics and found out that a hook up partner of hers used it on her. The moment she told me that, I literally lost the sight of her “being the one” and saw a complete whore instead. 

She used a Hitachi Magic Wand once during sex and this makes her a “whore?”

I was sad, but I was glad that it hit me.

It comes to show that no matter how innocent or lovely you think a girl is, everyone has a past.

That is “a past?”

To tell yourself that she could be the mother of your kids or even a partner to truly love, is complete bullshit.

Because she once used a back massager to massage something other than her back? This is the worst case of Madonna/Whore syndrome I think I’ve ever seen.

This post is mostly a rant/realization that the one’s you thought you loved, aren’t real. This is a self-reflection post for me to remember this moment. Stick to the Red Pill and focus for the best for yourself.

After inviting his Red Pill colleagues to offer “completely honest roasts and feedback” on his sad tale, he ended with an open letter to his Madonna-turned-whore:

For my girl Jenn: I thought you were the one, but you are another girl riding the CC. I still want to date you for a little bit, but just cause you have big tits and a fun personality.

Yeah, that’s not going to be happening if she sees this, bro.

I can’t believe I almost fell on your unicorn horn. You almost made me forget that the genuine feeling of personal satisfaction is created by myself, my achievements, and my improvements.

Well, bullet dodged, for “Jenn” anyway.

Ironically, for all of myrenaissance’s professed fealty to Red Pill ideology, the Red Piller’s were not kind in their responses to his “field report.” They basically told him he was an idiot and that dismissing a possible girlfriend because she once used a Magic Wand was ridiculous.

[O]h no not a hitachi!” wrote one commenter sarcastically. 

What an absolute whore! How dare she have some other partner before you that was interested in her sexual pleasure! Get you a proper lady who doesn’t know where her own clit is. /s

“[A]re you really expecting to find an experienced virgin innocent hot girl that has a 100/100 personality waiting only for you?” asked another commenter.

And even if in some magical world that existed, I would never marry a virgin, it’s better that she has taken a few dicks or sex toys in your case, than to go nuts in later years of LTR/marriage.

Myrenaissance replied:

Thanks bro, I needed to hear this. Yes, I do have many insecurities to work on and I’m so excited to overcome them. I died laughing when you said “virgin innocent hot girl that has a 100/100 personality waiting only for you.” One line hits home cause the truth hurts and I love it.

I agree that I have a lot of growing up to do. I see it in myself and I get upset over things that I look back on and realize how stupid I was. She did dodge a bullet, but shes catching feelings for me. I’m gonna fuck her silly when I see her.

Not if she ever sees this Reddit post, my dude.

Reddit’s Red Pillers may mock this young Padawan but the fact is he’s the logical end point of their fetishization of youth and purity — and their not-so-well-hidden fear that any women with non-zero experience will compare them unfavorably with their previous boyfriends and/or hookups. I hope myrenaissance’s next discovery is that the Red Pill philosophy itself is a giant pile of shit.

H/T — r/TheBluePill

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
4 months ago

@Redsilkphoenix: I’ll see how next week goes. Luckily neither church is a fire-and-brimstone type. The Catholic priest was broadcasting a comforting message from John 14:1 (“let not your hearts be troubled”). I couldn’t tell what the other minister was saying over the loud music. It sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher.

Some churches have gotten creative about handling the sacraments during quarantine. Have you seen the photos going around the Catholic priest in Detroit who was squirting holy water from a pistol during Easter service?

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
4 months ago

I’d heard the phrase Hitachi Wand before, but only in passing. I had no idea it was a vibrator of sorts. Hitachi sounds so much like Hibachi to me. You know, the little outdoor grill you put charcoal in? My parents used to have a cast iron Hibachi.

@EyeHeartSpiders: Nothing that vibrates for me, either. Not my cup of tea. Makes me want to jump out of my skin, just not in a good way.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
4 months ago

What amuse me is that the Hitachi Magic Wand is a pretty tame vibrator all thing said, and he still describe it like it was some kind of superweapon.

I personally discover it through hentais, and overall it’s not to my taste by being A – too much like a tool and too impersonal and B – being too large and obvious for subtility, and too small for, well, when you don’t want to be subtle. It feel like that it’s one of the tools the doctors in the XIXth used to “cure” hysteria via orgasms, and I believe we have gone past that point.

That guy is a textbook victim of toxic masculinity indeed.

MJ
MJ
4 months ago

He’s never actually met her but he told her he wanted to marry her?

I will bet a decent sum of money that she’s not as into him as he wants to believe and he’s created this mental fantasy of how awesome she is. Of course it all came crashing down the second she didn’t follow his imaginary script of how relationships work.

impudentinfidel
impudentinfidel
4 months ago

@ohlman It’s a foot long and plugs into the wall. If that’s too subtle for your taste I’m impressed and somewhat intimidated.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
4 months ago

@ Dormousing:

My parents used to have a cast iron Hibachi

A cast iron… vibrator? That’s hard-pressed!!

:). :).

Moon Custafer
Moon Custafer
4 months ago

That’s hard-pressed!!

comment image

Yutolia the Laissez-Fairy Pronoun Boner
Yutolia the Laissez-Fairy Pronoun Boner
4 months ago

So should I carry mine with me at all times to ward off incels?

LindsayIrene
LindsayIrene
4 months ago

Due to being originally invented as a muscle massager and because it’s rechargeable (not run off little batteries) and because it’s big, the Hitachi has power that I’ve never experienced with other vibrators. It’s not for everyone, but for women with problems reaching orgasm, it can be a godsend. I’ve had issues due to menopause and the Hitachi is the only thing that works for me now. It looks rather utilitarian but it’s not like I’m looking at it while I use it anyway.

Luzbelitx
4 months ago

I had at least three friends who acquired an original Hitachi Wand (counterfeits are common and cheaper but not nearly as powerful).

They were very pleased (pun intended) with the initial results BUT after some time, they all reported it caused them insensitivity towards less-energic stimulation.

I rarely owned any kind of vibrators myself, and they were full but made little difference for me.

Also, suffering from scholeosis since forever, I’d much rather have someone hitachi-wand my back/shoulders than any other body part.

Katie
Katie
4 months ago

I actually feel sorry for this dude. He seems like someone who could be a decent person, if he could just disconnect from the toxic ideologies that are telling him that all of his worst impulses are right, and then got therapy to work on his insecurities.

Cyborgette
Cyborgette
4 months ago

Re: Hitachi wand

I own one. I wish I didn’t.
– Much too powerful and buzzy vibrations
– Fast and pointlessly lousy orgasms because it has no subtlety
– Dire warnings in the manual to, among other things, never use it less than an hour after eating
– I’m terrified to even use it on my cranky left shoulder, because I don’t want that level of vibration anywhere near the arteries in my neck
– In fact, most of the parts of my body where muscles get screwy have warnings in the manual not to use it on them
– It cost over $100 and has not been worth one cent of that
– It takes up more physical space and weighs more than any of my other toys

I can’t even use it for clubbing fascists over the head, because then the internal lithium battery might burst into flames and kill me too. 0/5 stars here. 🙁

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 months ago

Hitachi have the contract to build our next six nuclear power stations. So obviously their expertise in sex toys is highly reassuring. I’m sure it’s a transferable skill.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 months ago

@ cyborgette

the internal lithium battery might burst into flames and kill me too

Well Lithium is a mood stabiliser so you’ll be on fire but really chilled about it.

Moggie
Moggie
4 months ago

Hitachi also made the newish class 800 trains for the Great Western Railway in the UK. Hitachi make a bewildering range of stuff; wouldn’t surprise me if they build Gundams.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 months ago

@ moggie

Hitachi also made the newish class 800 trains for (GWR)

Really? Oh gawd I love those trains. Seriously, I get happy tingles just walking past the station. That’s partly an association thing; but also they’re just so nice to travel on. Also, one of them is named after Paddington Bear.

I feel even more confident about the power stations now.

Kelly L.
Kelly L.
4 months ago

I once had a job that screwed up my back so badly that I bought a knockoff Magic Wand and used it as an actual massager.

Naglfar
Naglfar
4 months ago

The only Hitachi product I had much experience with was that when I was growing up my father owned a Hitachi chainsaw. I never got to use it and AFAIK he only used it once or twice to saw up some fallen branches, but to the best of my knowledge it worked fine when it was needed.

Gerald Fnord
Gerald Fnord
4 months ago

It was actually heartening to read the responses to him.

I’m left with one question, though: What sort of Reese Witherspoon did this almost-perfect one resemble?

Scoots2
Scoots2
4 months ago

@EyeHeartSpiders I own one, but IMO it is very overrated. To me, it was like being pummeled by a jackhammer in the pubes. Plus, if you’ve got hair, there’s a good chance of rug burn. I think people get it because it’s the only one they’ve heard of. My understanding is that there are better ones along these lines, and other vibrators more along my lines. There are good sex toy review sites out there. I like Hey, Epiphora. But this guy would completely freak out if he knew.