By David Futrelle
Straight male insecurity can be a sight to behold. The list of things that make men doubt the masculinity of other men (or of themselves) is, it seems, endless. That’s what makes the “Fellas, is it gay” meme so effective, and so funny. By simply taking the tenets of some weird and toxic belief about masculinity and rewording it as a question you can reveal just how absurd it is. Fellas, is it gay to drink a smoothie? Fellas, is it gay to wipe your own ass?
The phrase “fellas, is it gay” has been floating around Twitter for more than a decade, starting on black twitter, but at first the questions were at least semi-sincere, and most of them were in some ways about sex. “Fellas is it Gay for you to Watch a Porno or 2 wit ya dudes?” asked one Tweeter. “FELLAS is it GAY to shave your PUBIC HAIR” asked another. Back in those days, the questions often had answers to them.
It took until 2017 or so for the question to transform into a sort of running gag — and it wasn’t until 2018 that it finally turned into the ironic meme we know today, at least on Twitter. (I haven’t looked into other social media sites and their history with the meme.)
So let’s scroll back over the past several years of the meme on Twitter and see some of the things that real people actually think make straight men gay.
We’ll start with marriage between a man and a woman, one of the cornerstones of the patriarchy but also, somehow, gay?
Even more suspect: having a baby with your girlfriend or wife.
Even dating a woman is apparently a gay panic risk:
It’s even worse if you’re occasionally giving her compliments:
Then of course there are the hygiene issues, as in, some straight men seem to think that keeping clean is a gay thing.
It’s apparently even worse if you use some of your time in the shower to soap up your dick … and wash it.
Worse than the dick is the butt, as some guys apparently think it’s gay to clean anything in the general vicinity of their asshole. (No, really. Really really.)
Some give in to the need to wipe, but only if they can couch it as a macho thing to do:
Still others insist that even touching a woman’s asshole is sort of gay:
Cunnilingus is also deeply suspect:
As is having sex with any woman who isn’t a virgin, because then basically she’s partly a man??
Indeed, any kind of sex between a man and a woman can be gay if the guy makes any noise.
Even aside from love and sex and hygiene, the sheer number and variety of things coded “gay” is mind-boggling. Here’s a selection:
Owning an umbrella:
Buying TP for your bunghole:
Tweeting:
Enjoying a nice dessert:
Talking on the phone with a male friend:
Having self-esteem:
Caring about climate change:
Thoroughly appreciating good food:
Eating boneless chicken wings:
Practicing good coronavirus hygiene:
Looking someone in the eyes:
Saying something nice to a woman:
Lying on your couch watching TV:
Buying chocolate chip cookies:
Knowing the rules of grammar:
Having a smoothie:
Or drinking anything involving whipped cream:
That’s all — for now. Tomorrow: Part Two of “Fellas is it gay.”
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@Naglfar
They seem to be hard at work on the “maybe don’t be a complete jerk 24/7” type of social restrictions, though. I guess that makes sense if you make yourself believe you’re the toughest and meanest person you’ll ever meet.
It’s obvious that the dog thing was a joke right? Sorry I don’t always get this stuff right.
Hmm, hard one. Italian greyhounds are small dogs, but they aren’t fluffy. If I had to guess I’d say she’s a gay man.
Big, Tough (ie Pit Bull, Rottweiller) = straight male
Big, Fluffy (ie Newfoundland) = Lesbian Woman
Small, Fluffy (ie Shih Tzu, Toy Poodle) = Straight Woman
Small, Tough (ie Chihuahua) = gay man
In all seriousness that is probably true. Most traits of Real Manness seem to mean insecure sociopath, so yeah probably not a good owner.
@An Autistic Giraffe
I understood it was a joke, I was just adding some relevant experience I had relating to dogs.
So in other words, the size of the dog determines whether you are attracted to men or women, and the fluffiness vs toughness determines if you are a man or a woman?
Which dogs indicate being bi/pansexual? Or ace?
Was Georgi Markov’s death gay?
Medium sized like a border collie or something.
Cat person
I know from occasional replies on John Scalzi’s twitter that a man expressing love for his wife is gay, and also makes you a cuck, somehow.
It is so sad how many of these are about taking pleasure in things. Fellas, is it gay to try to enjoy your life?
@Kat
I have definitely seen men with huge umbrellas in the last 20 years, too, though I don’t know if they were as massive as the ones you remember from the ’80s and ’90s.
Insecure man voice: They must be large and strong and manly umbrellas! What, do you think I’m *dainty*? That I could use a *dainty* umbrella? That regular-sized umbrella will barely cover my giant bicep! Also, as a man, I am entitled to the lion’s share of public space, so I don’t have to care if it’s an inconvenience for others.
My large and manly umbrella is black because if it was a fun colour someone might call it cute. I am not cute. Fun is gay.
@Viscaria
It seems the answer according to these folks is yes. If that’s true, so be it.
I tend to avoid larger umbrellas because I like being able to fit it in my coat to free up my hands when I’m not using it but still have it available in case of rain. And I forgo the huge beach or table ones because of an accident a few years ago where someone else’s blew away and hit me in the leg, leaving a bruise that took weeks to heal.
Same. My dog would also rather hold her pee for hours and hours than go out in the rain. She prefers going to the vet to her shots to getting a bath because she does not like getting her face wet. Not a husky though. A mutt who is probably a German Shepherd mix.
It does seem to be a common thread among reactionaries that happiness is bad, doesn’t it? Unless of course, you’re happy about others suffering. Then it’s okay.
Is anyone else getting @dril vibes from this?
@Naglfar, Autistic Giraffe
Uh, so, what if one has a rescue pitbull (saved from execution twice, once at a fighting operation and once at a shelter) that is quite small for her breed and would not attack a soul, but then one also has two cats and they are ones’ precious babies forever? Is one then a gay straight man but also ace? How does it work?
What about birds? What if one also has a parrot capable of delivering the harshest burns to people who don’t like him, but will continuously ask for love, care, and kisses from those who do?
Help! Pet-based sexuality is hard!
@Masse_Mysteria:
According to iconic gay movie The Wizard of Oz, water will melt you if you’re not a friend of Dorothy, so really umbrellas should be a straight thing.
I wish to point out that fully half of those takes are from women.
Perpetuating the patriarchy is an equal-opportunity endeavor.
@ Big Titty Demon
I have a bun. Does that mean I am poly, or a furry? Or both? You’re right, this is hard.
I like my umbrella. It’s plain black on the outside and glow-in-the-dark stars on the inside. It cheers up a wet day.
@eataTREE
Some of the takes are from women, and some of those takes may be meant honestly (I know at least a few are parody because they’re from people I know who are parodying the whole thing), but I don’t think it’s true to say patriarchy is equally the fault of women. For one, although there certainly are women who support patriarchy, the vast majority of violence against individuals who don’t conform to the patriarchy (PoC, LGBTQIPA+ folx, women, etc) is done by men. As well, the majority of conservative politicians who make laws reinforcing this type of thing are men. So it is not really accurate to blame women equally.
I have a Pyranees, an Anatolian, several Labrador mixes and a bunch of English Shepherds.
Big floof, big semi-floof, medium-large slicks, and medium-small floofs.
Would that make me non-binary, pan? (Or just nuts about mutts?)
I have an umbrella. It’s black, but not especially large. It can be a pain in the ass under two circumstances: a) wind, and b) if I end up having to use it on anything but the final return leg of a trip, because then I have this dripping wet thing taking up one hand and can’t put it down anywhere since I don’t want to soak someone else’s countertops, shelves, chairs, or whatever in a shop or wherever, and I certainly don’t want to put it back into a pocket or my backpack in that state either. Add in that stores’ payment terminals and other gadgetry commonly embody a design assumption that every user has two free hands …
Re: dogs hating getting wet
My old dog was an English Pointer. They generally like water and also have webbed feet. Except mine was terrified of it. He would do anything to avoid getting wet. He wouldn’t go out in the rain of course, or when the sprinklers were running. He would race inside the second they started, he was terrified of them. Giving him a bath was a nightmare, and he also loved rolling in deer poop, so he had quite a few baths. I used to have to tie him to the fence and use the hose because he would’ve ruined the porcelain in any bathtub in his terror to get out.
One time I tried giving him a bath in the shower and he just made this horrible buzzing noise the entire time. He was so upset.
One thing that was really nice though – he refused to step in puddles unless he had to, which kind of balanced out with the deer shit thing because he didn’t make a big mess on the floor after walks. When he did have to step in a puddle he did a full body shake when he got out, even if just the bottom of his feet were wet. It was hilarious.
My ex and I also took him to Payette Lake when we lived in Idaho. I have always lived near some kind of water luckily and so I had taken him walking around several lakes in Colorado and we also walked along the Boise River regularly. We were thinking that he’d be fine tied on the shore and we could hang out in the water nearby where we could keep and eye on him, but apparently he thought that was completely different than just being by the lake, and that made sense when I actually made myself stop and think about it. He kept getting farther and farther away from the lake until he got to the point where he was trying to get out of his harness and just get away. We tried going in the water one at a time but that wasn’t nearly as much fun and whenever each of us approached him, he tried to get away because, well, we had water on us. That day did not last long.
He was such an entertaining dog. I miss him.
@Moggie
Having an umbrella with concealed weapons doesn’t make you gay, it makes you the Penguin.
Whether you want to be the Penguin is another matter, because let’s face it, it is VERY VERY HARD to make him an engaging villain. Even Bruce Timm, Paul Dini & company could only make him “watchable,” and they gave us the greatest Joker ever, and turned Mr. Freeze from “forgotten gimmick villain” to “so compelling that even Joel Schumacher could not completely strip him of pathos.”
@eataTREE
Let me help you with the math: 8 names are female and 25 are either male or no gender in particular. That’s a total of of 33. Half of that is 16.5, not 8.
Let me help you understand the Internet: a person’s online name may or may not reflect their gender.
Let me help you with your conclusion: these people are joking.
@Kat
Let me help this fellow with a bonus conclusion: Even if half were female, even if those were all serious, “percentage of a random sample of people on Twitter who think certain things make you gay“ is one of the most unscientific metrics I’ve ever seen.
Umbrella weapons: Remember Mr Steed? (Brits are more likely to, I suspect, and that was a bit before even my time.)
Dogs and identity: I don’t think anyone has mentioned whippets yet.
@Kevin
I mean clearly people with whippets just like to whip it, if you know what I mean.
If having a big and fluffy dog makes you a lesbian, I guess that covers the big poodles out there. But what if you shave the fluff off? Arguably the dog will look smaller with less fluff, but still.
When I was younger, my family had a small poodle, and when she was shaved for summer, she confused some people, because apparently it hadn’t occurred to them that shaving a poodle was an option.
The biggest poodles out there are pretty big. So if you get one and just keep the coat short, are you a closeted lesbian? Are you bisexual?