Categories
NoFap none dare call it conspiracy reddit TROOOOLLLL?

Just a little coronavirus conspiracy theory, courtesy of a possibly really stoned NoFapper

By David Futrelle

I‘ll do a real post tomorrow but in the meantime here’s an intriguing conspiracy theory I found in the NoFap subreddit.

A Coronavirus social experiment (self.NoFap)

submitted 1 day ago by zanderman222

This is my theory on this whole coronavirus event. Its not just a pandemic, it’s a social experiment to see who would fap to porn and smoke weed the most, thus explaining the increase sales of toilet paper and lysol spray. THEY are controlling us slowly but surely.

Think about it.

Sure, this guy’s undoubtedly just a troll, but to be honest his theory makes much more sense than most of the NoFap/Semen Retention conspiracy theories I run across.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

38 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Anonymous
Anonymous
8 months ago

The “Donald Trump created coronavirus to wipe out the New World Order and their reptilian overlords” conspiracy theory is still the craziest, but dammit these guys are trying their hardest to top it.

Lainy
Lainy
8 months ago

I mean no more so then normally. I just have more time to read books and pet my cat

Naglfar
Naglfar
8 months ago

Poe’s Law. Without more context I wouldn’t have been able to tell if this is a troll or a true believer. Who wants to bet the semen retainers think their magic jizz will protect them from coronavirus?

WMDKitty
WMDKitty
8 months ago

Jesus vogueing Christ in stilettos. I think I’m just going to go back to bed now.

Kestrel
Kestrel
8 months ago

@ WMDkitty Is Jesus voguing Christ a thing? Now I need to search YouTube for that. If I find a video, it will make my week.

Robert Haynie
Robert Haynie
8 months ago

** stares at the post **

How the hell did this guy find o– I mean, ha ha ha! How silly! What a silly person!

Lisa
Lisa
8 months ago

Well…there’s possibly a lot of projection going on with this one, but basically….

If one watches even mainstream pornography instead of going out and hooking up, one hinders the spread of the virus by social distancing. Speaking as a feminist this situation is not ideal as mainstream porn often is exploitative. Even NoFappers know this and the feeling hurts them.

So the even better solution would be to use ones imagination instead of asking a planet-burning content delivery network called internet if it could transport exploitative imagery for ones pleasure and kick back some money to the guys hosting this, while most of this money does not reach the performers, especially marginalized ones.

Of course one can then go overindulging into playing ego shooters or something similar, replacing one dysfunctional habit with another, often archieving the same net result: Carbon footprint up, cruelty up, personal feelings: Down in the dumps because it’s hard to be a part of the problem.

Now…smoking weed…well…normally I think it’s one of the more harmless drugs and can help one become calmer, less anxious about being a nice little cog in whatever (usually nationalist) system there is in place and less fixated on the ego (meditation also helps with that and is much more recommended) which helps in deconstructing those prisons that get promoted as being an indivial and sold as lifestyle and drive capitalism in it’s endless quest to sell everyone everything.

However….smoking it (instead of say vaporinzing it), especially pure is a very effective way to ruin ones lung capacity (even more than regular smoking) and not stopping to go out or possibly even share a a blunt in the face of a pandemic is…well…risky to put it mildly. Also weed can help one develop shizophrenia and can cause a host of neurological problems because it is..well a potent drug.

So I guess NoFapper meant right and was distracted by pretty ladies wanting to steal his toilet paper he needed to clean his backside and wanted to steal his hand-washing stuff because those sucuubi wanted to expose him to the virus or something like that?

In other news, I have uploaded some topless pics of myself with a transgender logo on my sternum, smiling at twitter. I felt that it’s time to rehumanize transfem bodies and a quick way to do that is showing them in a more natural state. It might confuse some NoFappers but I am confident that my half-naked body is not in itself a dangerous thing and that there is adequate protection for minors in place. Also, I thus used a computer on the internet to….*sigh* gender-queer-feminist-activism from a sort of anarchist perspective is hard. Guess I truly am a chaossprite.

But am I..part of of .. the organisation? If so, which one, etc. Make up your own mind, sheeple! The truth is out there, etc 😉

Lainy
Lainy
8 months ago

@naglfar

Well considering the last one we had here thought my husband and i have some sort of magic soul bondy 4 dimensional sex just because we are married and that somehow makes it totally different and pure and magical compared to now wedlock sex, I’m going to say yes these idiots believe their magic sperm will protect them.

Lainy
Lainy
8 months ago

@robert?

Robert haynie? From camp tpac 2012? Is that you brother or another Robert? If it is shit man how you been?

galanx
galanx
8 months ago

QAnon thinks it’s so Trump can freeze all the liberal child-molesters in place so he can send his secret police in to scoop them all up. Must be a signal he’s giving out that it will happen before Easter.

Lisa
Lisa
8 months ago

@galanx

Thanks, that’s mighty good to know..I guess I’ll proceed with the plans to burn the moss despite the risk to the hands and lungs then and to go for an isolated walk responsibly, if you catch my drift, responsibly in case this is an international thing that should help the organisation increase my value cometh the day of the lamb returning to the flock by 3 day-standard-rez ..right? Or do I have to turn into an actual child molester instead of a standard liberal for any this to work? That would be wrong! It’s all so confusing since the meme-emperor has declared a war on truth…

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
8 months ago

This is my theory on this whole coronavirus event. It’s not just a pandemic. No, it’s much, much more, like Ronco, which will sell you a Chop-O-Matic and throw in a Dial-O-Matic, a Veg-O-Matic, a Miracle Broom, and a Miracle Brush, all for the low, low monthly price of $9.99. Spread your payments out over 10 years.

Where was I. Right, this whole coronavirus event is also a social experiment.

THEY want to know who will hoard toilet paper and Lysol spray. Also, canned beans, spaghetti, and bottled water. Maybe some other stuff.

That’s right, you might have to sicken and die for this experiment. But that’s just the way the social sciences and Madison Avenue roll. Suck it up / go belly-up.

THEY are controlling us, slowly but surely.

THIMK about it.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
8 months ago

Oh dear FSM, now I’m hearing that people who recover may still be infectious for potentially months after they no longer have symptoms.

That would seem to preclude ending the lockdowns before there’s a vaccine, even if an area seems to have become free of new cases. And that, in turn, bodes badly for China, which might then soon see resurgence of the virus.

Naglfar
Naglfar
8 months ago

@Lisa

Even NoFappers know this and the feeling hurts them.

I don’t think they realize that. They hate women, so I don’t think the exploitation factor would cross their minds.

@galanx

QAnon thinks it’s so Trump can freeze all the liberal child-molesters in place so he can send his secret police in to scoop them all up. Must be a signal he’s giving out that it will happen before Easter.

One thing I’ve seen about QAnon is watching it miss every single deadline yet the believers say that that was intentional. It reminds me of the doomsday cults, or the rapture predictors. By now everything is supposed to have happened years ago, but they still haven’t lost faith.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
8 months ago

@Surplus : do you have more informations ?

Being infectious for potentially month is a problem, but it depend on the fine prints really. If you’re still at peak infection one month after the fact then it’s the apocalypse. If, and it’s more likely, the odds crash rather fast, then it’s more an interesting information to know from where re-infections starts than a big sanitary problem.

What make me think it’s not a terribly big deal is that if you don’t sneeze or cough, the coronavirus isn’t terribly contagious. And presumably, recovered patients don’t particulary sneeze or cough, so it would more be “if you get hay fever, sorry but try to stay home”.

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
8 months ago

Also one would need to know if a month afterwards (or thereabouts) people are shedding live/viable virus or just non-viable virus fragments; from what I have read (IANAmicrobiologist or similar), different tests are needed to distinguish between them.

Amtep
Amtep
8 months ago

I’m fairly sure Trump is the antichrist[*] and his “packed churches on Easter Sunday” idea is his diabolical plan to kill all the Christians.

[*] He embodies all seven sins: pride, greed, sloth, anger, gluttony, envy, lust. He’s also deceived his followers into thinking he is their Savior. Think about it.

Naglfar
Naglfar
8 months ago

@Amtep
Surplus posted this in another thread recently. Seems relevant. Trump fulfills almost every qualification to be the Antichrist.

And we didn’t even get an album out of it:

Robert Haynier
Robert Haynier
8 months ago

@Lainy:

Pretty sure it’s another Robert. Never even heard of a Camp Tpac. Sorry.

Robert Haynie
Robert Haynie
8 months ago

@Lainy:

Sorry. It must be some other Robert you’re thinking of… I don’t even know what a Camp tpac is. Sorry to disappoint.

Lainy
Lainy
8 months ago

@robert

Dann okay

crankinnatank
crankinnatank
8 months ago

My personal conspiracy theory is hey — why were we so focused on the Diamond Princess (Feb 21 to March 4) when literally thousands of people with disposable income were hanging out in Milan for Fashion Week (Feb 18 to 24)?

I think this virus is doing an excellent job of exploiting the holes in our social structure.

rv97
rv97
8 months ago

@Lisa

You made a good point about the pornography thing, but sadly I feel like I’m almost addicted to it. Also, what you said reminded me of something I wanted to share too:

https://skyesjournalonline.wordpress.com/2020/01/29/46/

Dizzy
Dizzy
8 months ago

Question. If I’m quarantined in my own home, with only the people I live with, and smoke a lot of pot, why do I need lysol? The smell goes away on it’s own and even if it didnt I could open the window? Or just not care, since I smoke pot in this scenario?

Checkmate, NoFap!

epitome of incomprehensibility

@Kat – And here I was thinking that the virus was a conspiracy by the Presbyterian Church to force their clergy to learn online video tools!

(Context: silly joke with my parents, who had church online on Sunday. Dad’s an elder in the church & works at a theology library, which is still running online support – the building is closed now, like all university buildings here.)

So yeah, Protocols of the Elders of Presbytery. Maybe backed by the Masonic Order of Tech Support. 😛

…Ooooor maybe it’s just a virus that’s new in humans and so it’s spreading fast? Not everything that causes disaster has to be super exciting.

Naglfar
Naglfar
8 months ago

@rv97
I’m not quite sure what your point was in the post you linked (which I assume is from your blog). Your main thesis seems to be superiority of women over men, which is a rather problematic view as we’ve discussed multiple times.

Something I’m noticing in your blog is you seem to not like being male. Have you at all considered that you might not be a man but might be trans* (binary or non-binary)? It seems like you might have some level of dysphoria.

Yutolia the Laissez-Fairy Pronoun Boner
Yutolia the Laissez-Fairy Pronoun Boner
8 months ago

@epitome:

Oh it’s exciting enough as it is.

rv97
rv97
8 months ago

@Naglfar

This is mainly me venting; this blog I have barely gets traffic and I don’t really plan to work on increasing it. I admit that I am quite dazzled by some of Tumblr’s more problematic attitudes towards gender in that regard; Tumblr’s attitudes towards gender range from radfem/TERF inclinations to multiple or infinite genders and being a “-kin”, both of which are derided by outsiders (especially more right-leaning outsiders, hence the existence of subreddits such as /r/tumblrinaction).

As for my gender, I have affirmed that I cannot likely be a man because I do not wish to be easily associated with men by society’s assumptions even if I have mostly more traditionally masculine interests and can better relate to men mostly for that. However, I guess I have so much internalized transphobia in me and I feel like I’m so fucked up for other reasons related to gender and otherwise (e.g. disturbing thoughts) that I don’t deserve to be helped in nearly every way.

EverythingIsRidiculous
EverythingIsRidiculous
8 months ago

So, are we to take it that this weirdo is masturbating with Lysol? Because that’s just not normal.

Robert
Robert
8 months ago

I was involved in a NoFap discussion on Reddit recently. One fapstronaut mentioned that it was easier for him to avoid porn once he learned how routinely abused the performers are.

So. . . hopeful sign?

Regarding the OP, he really thinks that toilet paper is suitable for post ejaculatory tidying up? Us true aficionados have dedicated cloth towels for such things.

Mabret the Virile Maiden
Mabret the Virile Maiden
8 months ago

One fapstronaut […]

Sorry, but I can never take the term “fapstronaut” seriously. I see that ridiculous portmanteau, and I shut down, laughing.

Masse_Mysteria
Masse_Mysteria
8 months ago

@Mabret
The thing that makes the word so ridiculous to me is that even though I gather it’s meant to mean someone who doesn’t masturbate, it sounds like the exact opposite.

Kind of like maintaining a low-carb diet is called “karppaaminen” in Finnish even though it leaves out the “low” part.

Naglfar
Naglfar
8 months ago

@Masse_mysteria

I gather it’s meant to mean someone who doesn’t masturbate, it sounds like the exact opposite.

That’s something I noticed as well. It’s also a totally incorrect construction, because “fap” is not a Greek word, while “nautes” is Greek for sailor. If we replace “fap” with the Greek word for masturbation, we get “avnanismonaut,”* which would translate to “sailor of masturbation,” which still rather contradicts what they would want it to mean.
Also, the phrase “sailor of masturbation” just sounds weird.

*I do not speak Greek, please correct me if I am wrong

Moggie
Moggie
8 months ago

@Naglfar:

Also, the phrase “sailor of masturbation” just sounds weird.

They’re more like submarine captains, since they think seamen should stay inside.

Dalillama
Dalillama
8 months ago

@Naglfar

Also, the phrase “sailor of masturbation” just sounds weird.

♫”Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
There was fuck all else to do…”♫

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
8 months ago

@Moggie:

They’re more like submarine captains, since they think seamen should stay inside.

…. *groan*

rv97
rv97
8 months ago

@Naglfar my messages don’t often seem to make it on time since I’m still (possibly rightly) on moderation.

Lizzie
Lizzie
8 months ago

Ten points to Moggie for the laugh !