By David Futrelle
Today’s Screencap of Wonderment comes to us from Reddit, I think, via the Bad Women’s Anatomy subreddit. In it, an inventive fellow tries to explain why, according to his calculations, virtually no “females” are actually virgins any more — even if they’ve never had sex.
Put on your thinking caps for this one, because his theory is a little convoluted.
I think this might have been written by Quentin Tarantino.
Here’s the dialogue in full in case you want to study it:
MR. BROWN
What the fuck was I talking about ?MR. ORANGE
You said “True Blue” was about a guy, you said it’s a girl who meets a nice guy.
But “Like a Virgin” was a metaphor for big dicks.MR. BROWN
Ok, let me tell ya what “Like a Virgin”‘s about.
It’s all about this cooze who’s a regular fuck machine.
I’m talking, morning, day, night, afternoon,
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.MR. BLUE
How many dicks is that?MR. WHITE
A lot.MR. BROWN
Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it’s like, whoa baby.
I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson in “The Great Escape.” He’s diggin tunnels.
Now she’s gettin this serious dick action,
She’s feelin something she ain’t felt since forever. Pain. PainJOE
Chew? Toby Chew? No.MR. BROWN
It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn’t hurt.
You know, her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now.
But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like it did the first time.
You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what is once like to be a virgin.
Hence, “Like a Virgin.”
In Tumblr dude’s mind, this is pretty much the story of every mom on earth. My mom. Your mom. Every mom.
He’s probably been watching way too much MILF porn.
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This is where decades of abstinence only sex ed leads.
My boobs are huge. I take after my dad’s side of the family in that way, as all my aunts and cousins (except the anorexic ones) have huge boobs.
Yeah. Setzen, 6!
@Kat, remember when the prospect of Sarah Palin being a heartbeat away from the presidency seemed like the worst thing ever? Good times.
“Hahaha that’s fantastic! I never watched Reservoir Dogs because I find Quentin Tarantino vastly overrated for so many reasons, but the dialogue there certainly inspired me to not go seek it out, ever”
To be fair to Tarantino (something I thought I’d never say), even the other bank robbers in that scene think Mr. Brown’s theory is nuts.
@Moggie
Now we know: it would be one of the two worst things ever.
@Kat
I’d never seen that picture before, so you weren’t the only one.
Given all the shit Trump has done, I have a hard time seeing Palin even making the shortlist. She’s bad, but nowhere near as awful as Trump.
@FlyByKiwi
Given this post’s emphasis on a certain singer, I’m surprised nobody has mentioned the Madonna-Whore Complex.
This post – and this entire thread – is making me question my grip on reality.
In unrelated news, Roosh attended a CPAC afterparty last week, and is now sick with a mysterious liberal hoax that includes cough and shortness of breath.
@Buttercup
Roosh has coronavirus? Well, that‘s another reason to stay the hell away from him.
@Lisa
I don’t think “asexual” is the word you want here. Celibate, maybe? Since that’s a thing you can decide and as far as I can see, nothing in the post suggests not being sexually attracted to these “never virgin” women.
Well, someone missed year 9 biology, didn’t they?
@Buttercup, I don’t trust anything Roosh says, even about this. Maybe he’ll start selling a miracle cure shortly.
@FlyByKiwi: Honestly, this almost reads like a 90s Frank Miller script.
Apparently there’s an antiviral drug – Remdesivir – which is looking hopeful as a possible treatment for coronavirus. It’s made by Gilead Sciences.
Gilead.
Do you ever get the feeling that reality is mocking us?
@Moggie – I’m sure he’ll have a GoFundMe set up shortly to grift more money out of his followers, followed by a heroic “recovery”.
What was he even doing at a CPAC afterparty? He’s not that important.
@Buttercup
And he’ll probably talk about how Jesus helped save him, seeing as he’s in the middle of a fundie grift.
@ buttercup
Maybe it says more about the irrelevance of CPAC as much as the guests?
But he’s not the only rather dubious attendee. So it looks like this year’s theme was ‘close connections with white nationalism’. Plus la change.
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/feb/25/anti-greta-teen-activist-cpac-conference-climate-sceptic
@Alan Robertshaw
Hasn’t that been the theme of conservatism as a whole for years?
@Alan
Along with “non-believer in science”.
Execept for Bread Science, of course.
THE STUPOD… IT BURRRRRNS……
re Sarah Palin:. Silly Sarah kinda fizzled and went away…. I really thought she was gonna be dumb donald ‘s running mate in ’16.
@Buttercup
And “not understanding what logic means but obsessing over what they think it means.”
Well that was a ridiculous hypothesis.
Someone tell “Mr. Brown” that there shouldn’t be pain any time, first or otherwise. Of course, that would probably make his head explode.
@BBBB:
If their bodies are tricked into releasing more of the ‘hip widening, breast enlarging’ hormones every time women have sex with Chad Thundercock, why don’t we see more women looking like the Venus of Willendorf?
Ah, but where do you think fatty fat fatties come from? It’s all part of the insidious conspiracy of…everyone but incels! Chad’s manly hormones sabotage the beauty of his partners, underscoring that the beta cucks are getting secondhand goods!
I need help reacting to this.
This is like, if the aliens ever show up and start talking, even if they somehow learn english and speak it to me, I will still be totally lost. Our frames of reference will be so far apart that nothing we say to each other will make any sense. We might be using the same language, but we will be using it to describe different worlds.
This is like that.
@ Moggie:
Have had that feeling for some years….
I’ve even had flashbacks to my fundie church childhood, wondering if the “rapture” (by Blondie?) had happened, I didn’t make the cut, and the final battle between good and evil was happening….