Categories
alpha asshole cock carousel bad anatomy bad science evil moms loose vaginas men who should not ever be with women ever misogynatomy misogyny

Self-anointed vagina expert develops new theory of virginity, and it’s a doozy

Evidently most women and girls are only like virgins

By David Futrelle

Today’s Screencap of Wonderment comes to us from Reddit, I think, via the Bad Women’s Anatomy subreddit. In it, an inventive fellow tries to explain why, according to his calculations, virtually no “females” are actually virgins any more — even if they’ve never had sex.

Put on your thinking caps for this one, because his theory is a little convoluted.

I think this might have been written by Quentin Tarantino.

Here’s the dialogue in full in case you want to study it:

MR. BROWN
What the fuck was I talking about ?

MR. ORANGE
You said “True Blue” was about a guy, you said it’s a girl who meets a nice guy.
But “Like a Virgin” was a metaphor for big dicks.

MR. BROWN
Ok, let me tell ya what “Like a Virgin”‘s about.
It’s all about this cooze who’s a regular fuck machine.
I’m talking, morning, day, night, afternoon,
Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

MR. BLUE
How many dicks is that?

MR. WHITE
A lot.

MR. BROWN
Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it’s like, whoa baby.
I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson in “The Great Escape.” He’s diggin tunnels.
Now she’s gettin this serious dick action,
She’s feelin something she ain’t felt since forever. Pain. Pain

JOE
Chew? Toby Chew? No.

MR. BROWN
It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn’t hurt.
You know, her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now.
But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like it did the first time.
You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what is once like to be a virgin.
Hence, “Like a Virgin.”

In Tumblr dude’s mind, this is pretty much the story of every mom on earth. My mom. Your mom. Every mom.

He’s probably been watching way too much MILF porn.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

67 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Flyboy
Flyboy
6 months ago

It’s a given that pretty much all these guys are huge assholes. But, they must also have actual huge assholes from all the “facts” they are constantly pulling out of them.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
6 months ago

children are being born with it

With big breasts and hips?

I’d facepalm, but I can’t touch my face anymore.

Steve Cameron
Steve Cameron
6 months ago

I think that’s a screencap from another subreddit, not Tumblr.

Lizzie
Lizzie
6 months ago

Now that we can no longer face palm – here is some excellent advice from an Italian Grandma about Coronavirus and how to manage it – google Italian Grandma Coronavirus for the youtube video or go straight there from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ey08XMOisiw

Sirhan_Or_Is_It_Ma'am
Sirhan_Or_Is_It_Ma'am
6 months ago

Lemme tell you what Like a Surgeon is about. The entire song is a metaphor for big hospital bills.

cubist
6 months ago

sez couch thing:

I need help reacting to this.

This is like, if the aliens ever show up and start talking, even if they somehow learn english and speak it to me, I will still be totally lost. Our frames of reference will be so far apart that nothing we say to each other will make any sense. We might be using the same language, but we will be using it to describe different worlds.

This is like that.

Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra…

kaybee
kaybee
6 months ago

Possibly off-topic, but… @Lizzie — this is classic!!! My day job (in Rome) is trying to make sense of COVID-19. Bottom line: there is no sense.

I love what Nonna has to say, particularly in re: discrimination. Here, it started out as blaming the Chinese for the “foreign” virus. That’s died down a lot, but there were literally signs up at major tourist destinations (at restaurants and shops around Trevi Fountain, etc.) saying, Chinese visitors not allowed. Chinese restaurants were among the first businesses to feel the economic crunch, and many are facing collapse — and some are people who have been living here more than 30-40-50 years. I see that perspective is getting a lot of play in the U.S. as well. But as Nonna says, this virus will eventually pass — but discrimination is toxic, and discrimination can endure.

I aspire to be more like Nonna.

Allandrel
Allandrel
6 months ago

@cubist

Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra…

Roosh, his ass unwiped.

Ariblester
6 months ago

Moggie wrote on
March 13, 2020 at 8:26 am:

Apparently there’s an antiviral drug – Remdesivir – which is looking hopeful as a possible treatment for coronavirus. It’s made by Gilead Sciences.

Gilead.

Do you ever get the feeling that reality is mocking us?

Well, they also make Truvada, the main drug used in PrEP to prevent spread of HIV, and both the pharma company and the fictional theocracy were named after the Biblical Balm of Gilead, which was touted as a cure for everything, so… I ‘unno.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
6 months ago

@Allandral:

@cubist

Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra…

Roosh, his ass unwiped.

Sokath, his eyes uncovered!

Gerald Fnord
Gerald Fnord
6 months ago

I gather that there are real ties between these guys (I won’t say ‘men’) and real Nazis now, but even without knowing that I would have looked at the post, and for its…
0.) tone of resentment
1.) respect for its invocation of a supposed past when everything was good, and most importantly
2.) use of ‘scientific’-sounding language to make claims not based at all on evidence and
3.) use of the term ‘degenerate’
…I would have pegged it as sounding kinda Nazi anyway.

Lisa
Lisa
6 months ago

@Masse_Mysteria

Sorry for always taking so long to reply…anyhow. I dunno…celibate seems a bit charged and being asexual — for me it is indeed something I can and mostly do choose by regulating my mind and body. I think it’s a gray-ace thing (and nothing I’m proud of having). Yes celibate would fit better normally but would prove the involuntary celibates point (re: feminism being bad for them). So…maybe abstinent?

Naglfar
Naglfar
6 months ago

@Lisa
Being asexual means not having sexual attraction to people. It’s not something people choose any more than they choose to be gay or straight.
Abstinent could describe voluntarily choosing not to have sex, but in America at least the term is kind of tainted by conservative “abstinence-only” sex education programs that don’t work.

Masse_Mysteria
Masse_Mysteria
6 months ago

Thanks, @Naglfar!

@Lisa
I guess to me celibate seems more accurate since that’s usually the word I hear used when someone abstains from sex, but English isn’t my first language so I don’t know if that gut feeling is a good call.

I don’t really see how calling a celibate person celibate would prove any incel points, since they call themselves involuntary celibates and not just celibates. The whole point is that you can be voluntarily celibate, but you can’t voluntarily change your sexuality. I’m asexual and I’m not choosing it.

To me, saying that you choose to be asexual when you’re grey ace seems a bit like someone saying they’re choosing to be straight if they’re bisexual but don’t get with people of their own gender. It may describe how they feel, but it sounds like a poor choice of words when there are actual people who actually believe sexuality is a choice when it’s not, and that belief has real life consequences for some people.

Sorry for rambling, your choice of words just stuck out to me. Thanks for replying!

bruhmoment
bruhmoment
6 months ago

Post is from reddit; you can tell by the voting buttons at the bottom, also the award button next to them.

Paireon
Paireon
6 months ago

Me, an educated person:

What the FUCK am I reading!?

Not only is confusing puberty and virginity loss incredibly ignorant, but claiming that somehow, “females” can “fake” virginity loss over and over to boost hormone production is… patently ridiculous. Where are any scientific proofs of his claims? If he likes science so much then he must know how important it is to back up your claims. (yes I know it’s purely performative and in the interest of supporting his misogyny)

I also resent the implication about everyone’s mothers. Wonder what his thinks of her son’s ideas. In any case, I seriously doubt that the massive dose of female hormones he’s describing would have “no effect” on males in utero. I’m also wondering like others here why he didn’t take that chance to stamp his incel bingo card by blaming either the existence of betas/cucks/simps or his own perceived inadequacies on those eeeeeeevil female hormones.

As for Reddit, frankly it depends on the community you’re in. Recently there was a thread in r/grimdank (for Warhammer Fantasy and Warhammer 40 000 -mostly the latter- memes) that once again railed against the lack of female Space Marines (hulking genetically modified super soldiers in power armor for the laypeople) and the flimsiness of the lore explaining why that was. Couldn’t participate as I only found it after the mods locked it (the subreddit’s mods always leave politically-charged posts open for replies for a few hours before locking them so it doesn’t degenerate into a complete shitshow), but of course there was the expected level of shenanigans with people writing reams of text on whether or not female Space Marines should be a thing, but one thing that struck me was that contrary to expectations (or maybe not, considering the game’s origins), the pro female Marines comments were by far the most upvoted overall, while comments against were for the most part quite downvoted.

TacticalProgressive
TacticalProgressive
6 months ago

@Lizzie

Now that we can no longer face palm

As an alternative; we can bring back “head-desk” to fill in for “facepalm”. It’s an oldie but it’ll still work.