By David Futrelle
Hey ladies! I mean, hey New Age MAGA ladies with long hair who love Trump and hunger for tantric sex with extremely picky 68-year-old men who probably won’t skin you alive and eat the skin, have I got a man for you!
His name is Reverend William, and he describes himself as “a healthy 68. … a natural-born U.S. citizen residing in Los Angeles, California,” and an “intense, complex man who thinks waaay ‘outside the box.'”
And he’s not kidding with that last bit. In order to find out just exactly how out of the box the good Reverend is, his would-be lovers have to make their way through an 11-question compatability questionnaire without stepping on any land mines along the way.
I managed to fake my way through the quiz after several tries. While it’s not hard to guess his preferred answers to most of the questions (hint: he doesn’t like fat or disabled ladies or anyone with short hair), the religion question may throw you for a loop.. SPOILER ALERT: He’s not looking for a Jesus-Freak-in-the-sheets but for someone who thinks Buddha and Krishna are equal to Mr Christ and who has been around the block a few times, by which I mean you need not only to believe in reincarnation but also to have some good stories about your previous lives to share with him.
It’s only after you plow through the quiz that he truly lets his freak flag fly. After a 5-minute video in which he mostly babbles about “resonant frequencies” and how important it is for two people to have, literally, good vibes with one another, he starts to spell out what he’s really looking for in a lady:
I am on a serious quest for a Republican Tantra Goddess. She is a fabulous, intensely passionate, emotionally mature, spiritually evolved woman of tremendous power and deep integrity.
Also, in case you forgot, no fatties!
As a Republican, she loves, trusts, and wholeheartedly supports President Trump.
I’m not sure what role Donald Trump will play in the Tantric sex, but I am quite positive I don’t want to know.
She knows her great and sacred value as a Goddess and seeks a man who is genuinely worthy of her spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically and sexually. As a Tantra Goddess, she longs with great intensity to completely surrender herself to him as he worships her in every moment, including worshiping her sexually and lifting her into prolonged states of exalted ecstasy. I want her to unite with me in an awesome romantic/sexual relationship leading to a magical marriage.
It’s at this point that things start to get REALLY weird.
She and I will create a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership through which we will uplift the lives of large numbers of people (I see millions globally).
WAT
The Reverend takes a few moments to go over some more of his physical preferences and features before moving on to explain what the fuck he’s talking about with this whole “uplifting millions of people through Tantric boinking and Trump” thing.
I am 6 feet tall (183 cm). I would like to be taller than you, including when you wear heels. I have excellent posture and would like the same in you.
You dress and groom yourself beautifully. …
I graduated magna cum laude from a prestigious university. I am well educated in science, mathematics, music, education, business and law.
Ok, now let’s do the whole Divine Tantric Uplifting the World Thing:
My Goddess and I will create a magnificent partnership to which we each contribute our personal strengths, energy, talents, skills, maturity, knowledge, wisdom, resources, dreams, vision and goals to create effects vastly larger and more beautiful than the sum of what we could otherwise individually create.
I see our partnership doing great things to uplift humanity and reduce human suffering. I would like us to do this together. To the greatest extent possible, I want us to work together, play together, do spiritual practices together and sleep together:
Best friends, business partners, spiritual partners and lovers.
Never before has the word “lovers” felt so icky. Not even during those old SNL skits with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch.
You’d think he might leave it at that, but t turns out he’s got several gazillion more words of stuff he needs to say about himself. Let’s just skip to the highlights, such as they are:
I am intensely sexual.
There’s a shock.
My sexual journey in this lifetime has taken me into the core of my Being as a man… into the God Presence within me. This has been a profound, deeply spiritual journey—at times extremely painful, at others ecstatic. .. my greatest pleasure is worshiping my goddess by giving her prolonged, repeated, explosive, full-body, female experiences. …
Love those explosive female experiences!
I have strong but uncommon feelings about animals. First, I love them—from a distance. Physical contact with animals drains my energy.
I don’t even want to know.
My two greatest living heroes are my spiritual Guru and Donald Trump. … Incredibly, on top of the benefits I have personally received from Mr. Trump (which I will explain when we meet), he is now President of the Unites States!! No-one of such immense greatness and deep devotion to God has occupied the White House since Abraham Lincoln!
He’s also got GOALS. Eight of them, to be exact, including Number 2:
Introducing tremendous Light into the computer industry by repositioning it onto a spiritual foundation with our new IT platform.
And of course Number 8:
Transforming population paradigms into the Light. This planet can sustain a vastly larger human population than its present seven billion people—perhaps even a hundred billion people. The unseen reality is that as many as a trillion souls are waiting on the other side of the veil for their chance to incarnate here for the human experience (and hopefully avoid the abortion butchers). With our help they and we can all fulfill our divine destinies.
He’s got pages and pages more of this stuff, highlighting (among other things) his “Weaknesses and Challenges” (“Some people hate me and ridicule me”); “Character References from Women Who Know Me Well” (but that all sound like they were written by him); and “Politics” (he’s a conspiracy-minded right-wing libertarian type).
I’m going to skip all of these pages, because honestly my brain can’t take much more of this, and I doubt yours can either. I guess I’m just not ready for a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership. Maybe next life.
H/T — Vice’s Anna Merlan, who brought the attention of the world to Reverend William with a recent tweet
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“Resonant frequencies”* reminds me of my 9th-grade science project. It was an excuse to do the trick where you rub your finger around the rim of a glass so it makes a high-pitched whine.
I’d probably rather listen to that than “Reverend Williams.”
*The Wikipedia page for “acoustic resonance” seems all over the place, but has some interesting stuff.
@Karalora
That is true. But I don’t think it helps for us to add with our own No True Scotsman arguments. That just confuses further.
An analogy from my own life: I’m Jewish. Ben Shapiro is an Orthodox Jew. I disagree with pretty much everything he’s said, and I think he’s a horrible person in many ways. But I don’t say he isn’t Jewish. Instead, I use it as a way to explain that not all people in a group have the same political or social views and I work to counter him. Is he annoying? 100% yes. But it wouldn’t make things better for me to just say he isn’t Jewish.
@AnImpishPepper:
We’ve already exceeded the natural carrying capacity of the earth, thanks to the Haber-Bosch synthesis. In the early twentieth century, a couple of German scientists figured out how to convert inert atmospheric nitrogen into biologically active forms. The process they invented supplies the nitrogen that forms the backbone of our proteins and amino acids. If we had to rely on lightning and crop rotation instead of synthetic fertilizers, we’d be at around half the population we are now.
Whether this is sustainable, who knows. I’ve heard predictions of 9-10 billion as the likely point at which the earth’s population will stabilize, assuming we can stop eating meat and put the brakes on climate change. That train may have already sailed, though.
100 billion is a whole nother order of magnitude. Where would we put everybody? That’s about 25 people per arable acre of land.
Call me a bitch, but looking at this goof’s photos, I think Bozo the clown would be a more erotic partner.
And I hate clowns.
@Buttercup
Well, there’s always Antarctica. It’ll be cold and unpleasant, but it seems like a great place for MAGA-tantra man and his goddess to go start their cult.
“Lots of open space, no mosquitoes, and free ice maker!”
-An Antarctic Realtor
Sounds like the beginning of a sequel or remake to The Thing.
@Dalillama
Hey, would you mind if I took some bits of that and fictionalized it into a short story? I’m not going to profit off of it, I just think it’s really funny and want to write something based off of it, but since it’s your life, I understand if you object.
@Jorge
Go wild
@Dalillama – That’s awesome! A few years ago I tried to convince my family to do something similar. We have a small camp that’s been in the family for generations, in a state with ruinous property taxes. The taxes were never that big a deal until rich people started coming in and putting up McMansions all around, driving up the value of the land. Now we’re struggling to hang on to it. I suggested in all seriousness that we convert it to a church/nonprofit, hold 1-2 services a year, and apply for a property tax exemption, but my attorney uncle didn’t think that would fly. He thinks the town would go after us. Even if we had a strong case, we don’t have the funds or the appetite to battle it in court..
Privately, I still feel like it would work. If we pretended to be right wing cranks, a la the Phelps family, the government would probably leave us alone. It is a red libertarian state, after all.
Your Dionysian temple was a brilliant idea. I don’t suppose “sacramental” has any consumption limits attached to it.
If you let a few pagan groups use it while you weren’t, you’d probably strengthen your hand, and get some backup.
Thanks :). And none that I can find.
As a Quaker who has many, many times been told that I am “not a real Christian” by people who are convinced that they have a monopoly on Real True Christianity, I am very, very hesitant to call anyone “not really a Christian.”
@Dalillama
Even that may be up for grabs to some extent. I’ve spoken to people who call themselves Christian but are a bit agnostic regarding the divinity of Jesus.
But even if we could get them all to agree on that, what does it mean? What would that tell us about Christians?
@Naglfar
Maybe not the best comparison since Judaism/Jewishness is an ethnicity as well as a religion, but I do get what you’re saying. Although the more this conversation goes on, the more convinced I am that there are no “true Christians.” Or “false Christians.” Christianity is an eidolon.
As far as New Age and the right goes that’s nothing new. There’s always been a strain of right wing thought that’s connected favourably with the ideas we now think of as New Age. For example the 19th Century Russian mystic Helena Blavatsky, one of the founders of Theosophy, held anti-Semitic and racist beliefs, seeing a hierarchy of races.
@Karalora
Fuckall, but it’s a shared characteristic.
Fair. Add ‘or claim to follow his alleged philosophy’ for those prats. Point is, being focused on Jesus as the founder of your religion is basically the only shared characteristic that all the sects share anymore.
@Allandrel
Like I told that AntiHeretic fellow, as a nonbeliever I can’t at all be having with the assorted schism, excommunications, anathemizations, &c. I have to take anyone’s word what religion they are, and I accept ot at face value.
Not real sure how to define Christianity if you take out the belief that Jesus was divine. Perhaps the belief that Jesus was the last of the Great Prophets, maybe?
Iirc, Jews consider him a great man who tried to change the world, but he wasn’t the Messiah because he didn’t meet certain criteria for what the Messiah was supposed to do when they came. I think Muslims consider him one of the Great Prophets, but consider Muhammad the greatest and last of the bunch.
Take away the belief that Jesus was divine, I’m not sure how the resulting Christianity would be much different than Judaism or Islam, because the divinity stuff is supposed to be a main feature in that religion. Unless I misinterpreted something there?
As for what the Evangelicals who follow Trump might be, perhaps call them followers of Trumpianity instead of Christianity?
https://www.patheos.com/blogs/formerlyfundie/10-signs-youre-actually-following-trumpianity-instead-of-christianity/
There’s a certain strain of annoying agnostic who blither on about how Jesus was a great philosopher who had the best ideas ever on how to live, but wasn’t divine. These are mostly people who’ve never read any philosophy, or much of the bible. They were raised as wishy-washy Christians with books of feelgood bible stories for kids and some general stuff about peace and love being good things, and never really thought about it past that, but they want to look deep and spiritual and suchlike.
And then there’s this guy:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/suw/5703375/
@Allendrel
I know 2 things about the Quakers, one real and one fictional (based on the real). They were part of the Underground Railroad, and in the Republic of Gilead, they were part of the Underground Femaleroad. By all accounts, true Christian behavior. (I mean if I was given to dispute such things, which I’m not.) Why are Quakers not considered Christian, if it’s not too nosy?
Hello.
Well, that is a lot of lies…
I have zero degree in theology, but since when a goddess surrenders to someone who worship her ? Is there a goddess of submission, who is submissive to her worshippers ?
Associating sexuality with god presence in you is quite disturbing at several levels…
Hmm, various possibilities, here.
– Optic fiber ? But that is already a thing
– Fucking damn useless led stuff on things like motherboards and video cards which are a pain to stop and are here just because “True Gamers™©” said that they make them feel a lot more like “True Gamers™©” in their PC Master Race™© world ? Already done, too (fucking sadly)
– Putting god in your PC ? Sorry, my PC is atheist. Now, i suppose he thinks more about the AI stuff than physical components, but proselyting a domain which is still young is repugnant.
Finding god under a golden shower is a way of devotion i would never think about. But i am a miscreant (in its original meaning), this explains that.
Uh, i agree with the commenters who say he looks quite tiresome. Even if we exclude the disgusting “a god i am” feeling, someone who speaks of himself with so much verbose may be damn boring at a daily basis. Or even in a one shot speech, to be honest.
@Big Titty Demon
The exact reasons have varied, but it always comes down to not having the exact same beliefs and (this part is important) politics as the Real True Christian that is condemning me.
A few examples include:
– Understanding the concept of a “metaphor” versus “a literal, historical account” when it comes to the historicity of the Bible
– Recognizing and studying the history of how the many books in the Bible were written, compiled, and altered, rather than acknowledging that the KJV was divinely dictated
– Nontrinitarianism
– Believing that God loves LGBT people just the way they are
– taking all those many, many parts of the Bible that go on and on about caring for the poor and the stranger seriously
That’s not even going in to the things that are particularly Quaker, like That of God In All of Us, radical egalitarianism, and pacifism, because those have actually rarely come up. Probably because these Real True Christians are so ignorant that their knowledge of Quakerism is nonexistent at best.
I’ve actually had people accuse me of lying about being a Quaker because I was using a computer. Because apparently Quakers are Mennonites. (The sects have nothing to do with each other, other than lots of Mennonites settling in Pennsylvania because founder William Penn, being a Quaker, protected religious freedom there.)
@Allandrel
People probably get confused because they associate the word “Quaker” with the dude on the oatmeal box and think you all dress that way.
Holy crap, that dude seems like a a potential worthy successor to Gene Ray (Wisest Human, discoverer of simultaneous 4-day Time Cube – it’s even weirder than it sounds).
Also, that schtick about his “goddess” “submitting to be worshipped”, which clearly includes sex, sounds incredibly skeevy to me (“whaddya mean, ‘not tonight, honey’? Why won’t you let me worship you however and whenever I want? That’s what our tantric love is about, isn’t it? Don’t you want our congress to bring humanity into the Light? Now gimme some sugar.” Ugh.).
Also, I’m not the only one to point it out, but his constant talking about Trump and “the Light” as if he was a messianic figure or something definitely reminds me of someone else called “Lightbringer” – Lucifer. That he probably doesn’t even realize how he makes his own “Messiah” (whatever significance that has in his New-Agey clap-trap of a supposed spirituality he has) like the Antichrist is pretty damn funny to me.
All in all he just looks like a pathetic, narcissistic tool who fell hook line and sinker for his own bullshit to such a degree that it’s become a fractal delusion. I just hope that the ridiculous hoops he wants any prospective “goddess” to jump through means nobody will bother.
@Allandrel – Huh, I’d heard of people confusing Amish for Mennonites and vice-versa, but I’d never heard that people confused Quakers for Mennonites (or vice-versa). Probably goes to show how far those folks are in Dunning-Krueger Land. As an atheist, I’ve always been amused at how much different religious sects constantly “no-true-scotsman” one another.
@specialffrog
As someone who is a member of the body of Christ and who lives just a few blocks from the westboro Baptist church. I wish i could say that they weren’t Christians but that would be incorrect. There more or less viewed as like the dark under belly for most Christians here. Like your really racists or sexist uncle at the family Christmas party you really don’t want to see.
Recently they’ve shown up on my campus to try and protest the new coedd residential living spaces I guess. The campus basically did this because before hand if you were transgender and you wanted to live on campus. You would have to live with what your sex matched. So basically unless you had a bottom surgery you couldn’t live as a transgender woman in a female apartment. But making a couple floors of coeds rooms means that now a trans guy can live as a guy and a trans woman can live as a woman on campus without getting outed or putting them in possibly incessantly dangerous situations.
@Allandrel
Oh, take it back, I did know about the pacifism thing also. My ex-sect of Christianity was brothers-in-arms (hah) with the Quakers on pacifism. Although I heard recently, the church leadership in this town did advocate getting guns to defend their beliefs and Trump. This despite a movie being made about a church hero who refused to even pick up a gun… there is a reason it is my ex-sect. (Actually, I disagree with all formalized/institutionalized religions which require a capitalist money structure flowing to the church head, but I digress.)
It is surprising just how many Christians you can piss off by turning the other cheek and caring for the poor and strangers, especially with your votes as well as actions.
@Paireon
I can at least understand confusing Amish and Mennonites – they’re both Anabaptist groups, with some similarities in common dress.
@Big Titty Demon
Same here, and one more thing that led to me becoming a Quaker. No clergy, no hierarchy, no temporal power over each other.
(I should note that this applies to most groups that identify as Quakers, not all. Some groups are indistinguishable from Protestant churches, which greatly confuses me.)