By David Futrelle
Hey ladies! I mean, hey New Age MAGA ladies with long hair who love Trump and hunger for tantric sex with extremely picky 68-year-old men who probably won’t skin you alive and eat the skin, have I got a man for you!
His name is Reverend William, and he describes himself as “a healthy 68. … a natural-born U.S. citizen residing in Los Angeles, California,” and an “intense, complex man who thinks waaay ‘outside the box.'”
And he’s not kidding with that last bit. In order to find out just exactly how out of the box the good Reverend is, his would-be lovers have to make their way through an 11-question compatability questionnaire without stepping on any land mines along the way.
I managed to fake my way through the quiz after several tries. While it’s not hard to guess his preferred answers to most of the questions (hint: he doesn’t like fat or disabled ladies or anyone with short hair), the religion question may throw you for a loop.. SPOILER ALERT: He’s not looking for a Jesus-Freak-in-the-sheets but for someone who thinks Buddha and Krishna are equal to Mr Christ and who has been around the block a few times, by which I mean you need not only to believe in reincarnation but also to have some good stories about your previous lives to share with him.
It’s only after you plow through the quiz that he truly lets his freak flag fly. After a 5-minute video in which he mostly babbles about “resonant frequencies” and how important it is for two people to have, literally, good vibes with one another, he starts to spell out what he’s really looking for in a lady:
I am on a serious quest for a Republican Tantra Goddess. She is a fabulous, intensely passionate, emotionally mature, spiritually evolved woman of tremendous power and deep integrity.
Also, in case you forgot, no fatties!
As a Republican, she loves, trusts, and wholeheartedly supports President Trump.
I’m not sure what role Donald Trump will play in the Tantric sex, but I am quite positive I don’t want to know.
She knows her great and sacred value as a Goddess and seeks a man who is genuinely worthy of her spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically and sexually. As a Tantra Goddess, she longs with great intensity to completely surrender herself to him as he worships her in every moment, including worshiping her sexually and lifting her into prolonged states of exalted ecstasy. I want her to unite with me in an awesome romantic/sexual relationship leading to a magical marriage.
It’s at this point that things start to get REALLY weird.
She and I will create a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership through which we will uplift the lives of large numbers of people (I see millions globally).
WAT
The Reverend takes a few moments to go over some more of his physical preferences and features before moving on to explain what the fuck he’s talking about with this whole “uplifting millions of people through Tantric boinking and Trump” thing.
I am 6 feet tall (183 cm). I would like to be taller than you, including when you wear heels. I have excellent posture and would like the same in you.
You dress and groom yourself beautifully. …
I graduated magna cum laude from a prestigious university. I am well educated in science, mathematics, music, education, business and law.
Ok, now let’s do the whole Divine Tantric Uplifting the World Thing:
My Goddess and I will create a magnificent partnership to which we each contribute our personal strengths, energy, talents, skills, maturity, knowledge, wisdom, resources, dreams, vision and goals to create effects vastly larger and more beautiful than the sum of what we could otherwise individually create.
I see our partnership doing great things to uplift humanity and reduce human suffering. I would like us to do this together. To the greatest extent possible, I want us to work together, play together, do spiritual practices together and sleep together:
Best friends, business partners, spiritual partners and lovers.
Never before has the word “lovers” felt so icky. Not even during those old SNL skits with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch.
You’d think he might leave it at that, but t turns out he’s got several gazillion more words of stuff he needs to say about himself. Let’s just skip to the highlights, such as they are:
I am intensely sexual.
There’s a shock.
My sexual journey in this lifetime has taken me into the core of my Being as a man… into the God Presence within me. This has been a profound, deeply spiritual journey—at times extremely painful, at others ecstatic. .. my greatest pleasure is worshiping my goddess by giving her prolonged, repeated, explosive, full-body, female experiences. …
Love those explosive female experiences!
I have strong but uncommon feelings about animals. First, I love them—from a distance. Physical contact with animals drains my energy.
I don’t even want to know.
My two greatest living heroes are my spiritual Guru and Donald Trump. … Incredibly, on top of the benefits I have personally received from Mr. Trump (which I will explain when we meet), he is now President of the Unites States!! No-one of such immense greatness and deep devotion to God has occupied the White House since Abraham Lincoln!
He’s also got GOALS. Eight of them, to be exact, including Number 2:
Introducing tremendous Light into the computer industry by repositioning it onto a spiritual foundation with our new IT platform.
And of course Number 8:
Transforming population paradigms into the Light. This planet can sustain a vastly larger human population than its present seven billion people—perhaps even a hundred billion people. The unseen reality is that as many as a trillion souls are waiting on the other side of the veil for their chance to incarnate here for the human experience (and hopefully avoid the abortion butchers). With our help they and we can all fulfill our divine destinies.
He’s got pages and pages more of this stuff, highlighting (among other things) his “Weaknesses and Challenges” (“Some people hate me and ridicule me”); “Character References from Women Who Know Me Well” (but that all sound like they were written by him); and “Politics” (he’s a conspiracy-minded right-wing libertarian type).
I’m going to skip all of these pages, because honestly my brain can’t take much more of this, and I doubt yours can either. I guess I’m just not ready for a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership. Maybe next life.
H/T — Vice’s Anna Merlan, who brought the attention of the world to Reverend William with a recent tweet
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@Diego Duarte
To insert images, make sure your URL ends in an image extension. For example, from the imgur link you posted, go to the image and copy a link to it directly. On a computer, usually right-click (or ctrl-click on Mac) and choose “copy image location” or something like that. On mobile, usually holding down on the image will have a “copy” option to copy it. Make sure it ends in an image extension like .jpg, .gif, etc.
I find it interesting to hear the incel poster say they are the one group to support his film through thick and thin. They were initially planning to shoot up theaters showing it, so that’s a major about face.
@Naglfar
Well there you are then.
At what point do we stop calling these people Christians at all? I’m not a Christian myself,* but I’m familiar with Christianity, and I have a hard time thinking of any high-profile American who is less Christlike than Drumpf.
* I am in fact a Neopagan Goddess-worshiper, and let me just say that Reverend William DOES NOT SPEAK FOR US.
@Karalora
I don’t think we can mandate what religion they call themselves. I recently read this blog post by Chrissy Stroop, an ex-evangelical author, about why it’s not correct to say conservative Christians aren’t Christian, and although it doesn’t touch on this particular issue, it seems relevant.
I know where you’re coming from, though. I agree that Trump is about as far removed from Jesus as it is possible to be, although since I’m not Christian I’m not an expert.
@Tabby Lavalamp
I think it’s down to their “freedom of religion” thing. Free to believe that the earth is 10k years old but God forbid you try to be an atheist or believe anything that contradicts religion – I hear there’s a university somewhere in Virginia that’s been exempted of anti-LGBT discrimination laws because of this.
Sadly most of the world still operates with this “freedom” of religion thing being “free to fear and eventually hate the unknown”. And anyone who happens to be liberal and religious are derided as heretics or even enemies of the state.
With this guy, one senses there’s a fine line between tantric and tantrum.
If you cram a hundred billion people onto this already overstressed planet, then their “human experience” is going to be short, violent, and painful. Not to mention game over for anyone who’s still on the waiting list. I can’t think of anything more shortsighted and irresponsible than advocating for explosive population growth on our fragile shared lifeboat.
Anyway, I highly doubt there are a bunch of souls hanging around in the bardo equivalent of the DMV, waiting for their number to be called.
@Dalaillama – I’m also curious to hear the story behind your divinity! It sounds very Hotblack Desiato.
@Naglfar and Karalora
In a way I understand that these people are the least Christ-like people on Earth. However, I feel that by saying “these are not REAL christians” it exonerates people who share the denomination and the same type of bigoted beliefs.
Christianity in America has always been a toxic brand that was almost inextricably linked to White supremacy and patriarchy, from its very inception. So to downplay the actions of these monsters as “non-Christian” would be the ultimate “No true Scottsman” fallacy. Also, as of the 2016 election, 81% of White Christians supported Trump, and about 94% of that number have stuck with him ever since.
Trump is, without a doubt, entirely representative of what Christianity is in America: a cult of racism, misogyny and other assorted forms of bigotry.
Now, for the benefit of that minority of christians who actually practice what they preach and stand against Trump, it can definitely be said that Trump and his supporters are un-Christ-like. However, it cannot be said they are un-Christian-like.
They took that denomination and hold the majority over it. And, as a collective, they’ve been running its name through the mud.
Putting on my preacher’s kid hat about the Corinthians….
Depending on which book you’re talking about, it can be written as 1 Corinthians or 2 Corinthians, but when you’re speaking (as Trump was during his infamous blunder), you usually pronounce it as First or Second Corinthians, not One or Two Corinthians. “Corinthians” is more of a nickname for “Letter of Paul to the Corinthians,” which is divided into 2 parts. Kinda like how you’d refer to a pope – I’m not Roman Catholic, so I have occasionally referred to “JP1” and “JP2,” but if I were being more formal, I’d refer to them as “John Paul I/John Paul II” in writing and “John Paul the First/John Paul the Second” in speaking.
I don’t know if the earth can support trillions or hundreds of billions of people, but the idea of overpopulation as a current problem seems entirely unfounded to me. Humans are ravaging the earth, but there are lots of big reasons for this that have little to do with there being too many of us.
@ Vicky P
If I’d been him I’d have gone with Pope George Ringo.
@Alan
I come from a long line of Anglican heretics, so I snickered mightily at that name.
@Naglfar
No offence taken, it’s just an amusing bit I like to trot out
@Diego, Buttercup
Not much more to tell, really. I had been looking into precisely how freedom of religion worked on a practical legal level for a scheme I never got off the ground*, and in the process learned that in some jurisdictions the cutoff for being a ‘church’ was six congregants, and at that point you could file paperwork to exempt the church building from property tax. A freind of mine knew six guys who shared ownership of a large California home, and talked them into worshipping me so they could incorporate their home as a church and not pay tax anymore.
*For those curious, I saw that the rules against providing persons under 21 with alcohol had an exemption for sacramental wine, so I had the idea of opening a Temple of Dionysus, where all booze was sacramental by definition, and take donations from the 18-21 set to let them come in and partake. The appeal of the idea faded somewhat when I passed 21 myself, plus the enormous legal hassles that such a thing would inevitably generate.
@An Impish Pepper
The Earth can support billions. It cannot support billionaires.
@Dalillama
Did it work in getting you exempted from property tax?
Wasn’t my house, but as I understand it did, at least for a while.
@Alan
As someone who’s listened to Eddie Izzard, I had me a mighty giggle.
Regarding the ‘real Christians’ question, that’s an easy out. Whenever a self-described Christian does something heinous, some other people claim ‘oh, s/he wasn’t a *real* Christian because *real* Christians don’t do such things.’
It’s like the trope of the ‘responsible gun owner’ – everyone’s responsible until suddenly they’re not.
Franklin Graham is definitely a Christian, he’s just an appalling human being at the same time. My friend the UCC minister is also a Christian, and a wonderful human being at the same time.
At this stage, Christianity is the religion practiced by people who call themselves Christian. Westboro Baptist Church are real Christians. So are liberal Christians who support LGBTQ+ rights.
As a non-Christian I prefer just to judge people based on what beliefs they endorse.
And if someone thinks Donald Trump is representative of what they believe then their beliefs are bad.
The question of whether the Americans under discussion are “really” Christians is entirely separate from the question of whether American Christianity as a whole is a force for good or not. I’m not saying these people aren’t Christian because they’re horrible people; I’m saying they aren’t Christian because they don’t worship Jesus Christ. Words mean things.
And to be even clearer, I’m not applying this argument to all evangelical Trump supporters, but to the small subset of them who have apparently decided that he is actually Jesus Christ come in the flesh. The book of Revelation is a downright goofy piece of scripture, but it is pretty specific about the manner in which Jesus is supposed to return, and there is no stretch of interpretation by which it can be made to apply to Trump.
They have abandoned the word of the Bible–the word they always claimed was Objectively And Literally True–in order to pledge allegiance to the monster in the White House. How then can they be considered Christian? We can’t control what they call themselves, but we can at least stop taking them at their word.
@Karalora: worshipping Jesus isn’t required in all sects of Christianity.
You’ve made a sophisticated No True Scotsman argument.
@Karalora: The Bible says a lot of things.
I don’t see how support for Trump is much different than supporting the divine right of kings and the crusades. Were medieval Christians not really Christian?
@Dalillama:
I’m not surprised that it worked. That’s one of those legal edge-cases where there is no place to draw a hard line that won’t be wrong at least some of the time, and as long as there aren’t too many people taking advantage of it, I doubt anybody would want to deal with the consequences of actually trying to litigate against it. As long as all the paperwork was filled out properly, everybody can just go along with it. (Albeit probably with a few interesting drinking stories.)
Diego, thanks for posting that about the incels and Joaquin Phoenix — I’m just finishing up a post on that, so let me know if you want a h/t in the post for bringing it to my attention.
@David
Nah, it’s ok. Found it on one of my facebook groups so credit goes to whoever went through that cesspool that is incels.co, which I believe was Iggy Reiz (not sure but he shared it). However you want to do it is fine.
@Mrs Morley
Well, is there any defining trait of Christians? If not, then why call anyone a Christian? It doesn’t actually tell us anything about what such people believe, practice, do, or say. Again: words mean things…the corollary of which is that a word which has lost its meaning should drop out of usage.
Meanwhile, of course, Christians of various stripes are more than happy to go around pointing fingers and No True Scotsman-ing each other, so clearly they think it means something.
@Karalora
People who proclaim the divinity of Yeshua bar Yusef, called Christos. Pretty much everything else varies by sect, and indeed individual, these daya.