By David Futrelle
Hey ladies! I mean, hey New Age MAGA ladies with long hair who love Trump and hunger for tantric sex with extremely picky 68-year-old men who probably won’t skin you alive and eat the skin, have I got a man for you!
His name is Reverend William, and he describes himself as “a healthy 68. … a natural-born U.S. citizen residing in Los Angeles, California,” and an “intense, complex man who thinks waaay ‘outside the box.'”
And he’s not kidding with that last bit. In order to find out just exactly how out of the box the good Reverend is, his would-be lovers have to make their way through an 11-question compatability questionnaire without stepping on any land mines along the way.
I managed to fake my way through the quiz after several tries. While it’s not hard to guess his preferred answers to most of the questions (hint: he doesn’t like fat or disabled ladies or anyone with short hair), the religion question may throw you for a loop.. SPOILER ALERT: He’s not looking for a Jesus-Freak-in-the-sheets but for someone who thinks Buddha and Krishna are equal to Mr Christ and who has been around the block a few times, by which I mean you need not only to believe in reincarnation but also to have some good stories about your previous lives to share with him.
It’s only after you plow through the quiz that he truly lets his freak flag fly. After a 5-minute video in which he mostly babbles about “resonant frequencies” and how important it is for two people to have, literally, good vibes with one another, he starts to spell out what he’s really looking for in a lady:
I am on a serious quest for a Republican Tantra Goddess. She is a fabulous, intensely passionate, emotionally mature, spiritually evolved woman of tremendous power and deep integrity.
Also, in case you forgot, no fatties!
As a Republican, she loves, trusts, and wholeheartedly supports President Trump.
I’m not sure what role Donald Trump will play in the Tantric sex, but I am quite positive I don’t want to know.
She knows her great and sacred value as a Goddess and seeks a man who is genuinely worthy of her spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically and sexually. As a Tantra Goddess, she longs with great intensity to completely surrender herself to him as he worships her in every moment, including worshiping her sexually and lifting her into prolonged states of exalted ecstasy. I want her to unite with me in an awesome romantic/sexual relationship leading to a magical marriage.
It’s at this point that things start to get REALLY weird.
She and I will create a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership through which we will uplift the lives of large numbers of people (I see millions globally).
WAT
The Reverend takes a few moments to go over some more of his physical preferences and features before moving on to explain what the fuck he’s talking about with this whole “uplifting millions of people through Tantric boinking and Trump” thing.
I am 6 feet tall (183 cm). I would like to be taller than you, including when you wear heels. I have excellent posture and would like the same in you.
You dress and groom yourself beautifully. …
I graduated magna cum laude from a prestigious university. I am well educated in science, mathematics, music, education, business and law.
Ok, now let’s do the whole Divine Tantric Uplifting the World Thing:
My Goddess and I will create a magnificent partnership to which we each contribute our personal strengths, energy, talents, skills, maturity, knowledge, wisdom, resources, dreams, vision and goals to create effects vastly larger and more beautiful than the sum of what we could otherwise individually create.
I see our partnership doing great things to uplift humanity and reduce human suffering. I would like us to do this together. To the greatest extent possible, I want us to work together, play together, do spiritual practices together and sleep together:
Best friends, business partners, spiritual partners and lovers.
Never before has the word “lovers” felt so icky. Not even during those old SNL skits with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch.
You’d think he might leave it at that, but t turns out he’s got several gazillion more words of stuff he needs to say about himself. Let’s just skip to the highlights, such as they are:
I am intensely sexual.
There’s a shock.
My sexual journey in this lifetime has taken me into the core of my Being as a man… into the God Presence within me. This has been a profound, deeply spiritual journey—at times extremely painful, at others ecstatic. .. my greatest pleasure is worshiping my goddess by giving her prolonged, repeated, explosive, full-body, female experiences. …
Love those explosive female experiences!
I have strong but uncommon feelings about animals. First, I love them—from a distance. Physical contact with animals drains my energy.
I don’t even want to know.
My two greatest living heroes are my spiritual Guru and Donald Trump. … Incredibly, on top of the benefits I have personally received from Mr. Trump (which I will explain when we meet), he is now President of the Unites States!! No-one of such immense greatness and deep devotion to God has occupied the White House since Abraham Lincoln!
He’s also got GOALS. Eight of them, to be exact, including Number 2:
Introducing tremendous Light into the computer industry by repositioning it onto a spiritual foundation with our new IT platform.
And of course Number 8:
Transforming population paradigms into the Light. This planet can sustain a vastly larger human population than its present seven billion people—perhaps even a hundred billion people. The unseen reality is that as many as a trillion souls are waiting on the other side of the veil for their chance to incarnate here for the human experience (and hopefully avoid the abortion butchers). With our help they and we can all fulfill our divine destinies.
He’s got pages and pages more of this stuff, highlighting (among other things) his “Weaknesses and Challenges” (“Some people hate me and ridicule me”); “Character References from Women Who Know Me Well” (but that all sound like they were written by him); and “Politics” (he’s a conspiracy-minded right-wing libertarian type).
I’m going to skip all of these pages, because honestly my brain can’t take much more of this, and I doubt yours can either. I guess I’m just not ready for a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership. Maybe next life.
H/T — Vice’s Anna Merlan, who brought the attention of the world to Reverend William with a recent tweet
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If you spend all your time boasting about how spiritual you are, you are not, in fact, very spiritual at all.
@Naglfar
I have seen folks use “IT platform” to mean operating system, or any base software that other software runs on. I have also seen companies use it to basically mean “the way we have our computers set up.” No idea what MAGA-tantra man might mean, but I’d bet a large sum it is currently vaporware.
And, commenting more broadly, “wants partner to have extremely enjoyable sex” is the bare minimum for sexual relationships, not something that marks you as Mr. Oh-so-special.
Is that Scott Adams, or just someone who looks and thinks like him?
There are some New Age Trumpers out there who mix a Pyramids-Spaceships-Reincarnation theology with a QAnon/Pizzagate-based political worldview. I don’t know how this cursed combination sprung into being but it seems to be propagated mostly by conspiracy theorist bloggers. They seem to be in the trumps-not-really-a-racist-guys-really school more than the blood-and-soil-white-nationalism school. They still repeat some of the later’s talking points though.
So when the creepy guy says “Light” I think he means “magical positive spiritual energy and good vibrations that are spread by happy thoughts rather than any deeds”, but this is from the context of similar statements; I’ve never seen the capitalized “Light” term clearly defined. I think they use “Light” partly because it’s a pleasant word vague enough that their audience can contrive their own interpretations of it rather than pegging it to something concrete.
But anyway, this… demographic… will talk about good UFOs sending “Light” in the world to dispel the negativity caused by bad aliens, the Illuminati and, of course, (((George Soros))).
@Daughter
I don’t think it’s Scott Adams, seeing as Scott Adams is 6 years younger than this fellow. They both sound quite similar, though.
@Feathers
That sounds similar to the evangelicals who have incorporated QAnon into their beliefs and revere Q as a prophet. It seems like sooner or later a lot of conspiracy theories get worked into a religion, either pre-existing or new.
It also reminds me of Deepak Chopra’s use of the word “quantum” when referring to health, in that it’s a real word that doesn’t mean what they use it to mean. Nebulous passing references to either usually indicate crankdom.
*shudders* Ugh, just the cloying language alone is cringe-worthy! I mean, it’s one thing to deify your SO (might still come off as cringey, but depends on the tone), but to refer to the person you’re seeking as god-like is just creepy and weird!
This whole story makes me want to take a shower.
@Katamount
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like men who claim that their wives are goddesses often tend to be placing them on a pedestal, which is rather objectifying and misogynistic. It also seems to be connected to the idea that women should be “goddesses in the home,” which is problematic for obvious reasons.
He sounds exhausting. I feel a little drained just reading all that.
@ naglfar
Idk my husband has always called me a goddess and compared me to Aphrodite. I’ve always find it quite sweet and endearing. It doesn’t necessary have to be putting them on a pedestal. But considering this guy isn’t talking about an individual woman whom he knows very intimately but a whole group of women. Yeah that’s a bad thing.
I’ve read through the whole thing, and he’s claiming his name is Mark.
1. He absolutely hates feminism (modern day feminism, anyway).
2. He thinks there’s only two genders (of course).
3. Abortion is wrong because EVERYONE wants to be born a human, apparently (as well as we don’t know when foetuses get souls so it’s better we don’t do it).
4. He thinks global warming is fake.
5. You HAVE to be compatible with him in Jyotish astrology.
6. He thinks prescription meds are bad.
7. He hates piercings not in the ears and tattoos.
8. Darkness isn’t capitalised (it’s not a big issue).
9. He has three physical problems, but expects you to be mentally and physically perfect (it’s not a problem, just hypocritical).
10. He calls himself a God and expects you to be a Goddess (for me personally to call yourself a deity is a very grave offence).
That was exhausting to read through.
And this is why the United States is so deeply and possibly irrevocably broken. It’s not a matter of a difference of opinion. It’s that there is a side that lives in a completely different reality. The Hamberdler wasn’t going to church before he became president. He called one of the books of the Bible “Two Corinthians”. Yet most of his base truly believes he has a deep devotion to God.
How do you fix a division where over a third of your country can look at the Hamberdler and see him as an actual stable genius?
“Reverend” William has an aversion to curly hair, which would weed out black women and a lot of brown ones. Hmm.
@Citerior Motive:
100%. Also, the weird comment about animals is probably cover for “no pets, because then my girlfriend’s affection won’t be devoted entirely to me”.
I love this bit: intense, complex man who thinks waaay ‘outside the box.’. Like, you reckon you think outside the box, lady? Pfft, I’m way more outside than you:
[box with normal person] … [you] ……………(not to scale)…….. [me]
Girl, I can’t even see the box from where I am!
@Tabby Lavalamp:
Huh, I’m not sure what’s wrong with that. Is this an American thing? Because I’ve certainly heard it referred to “2 Corinthians” long before Trump.
Guaranteed, though, he thinks it’s about two guys from Corinth. Possibly they go into a bar.
~ Frankie Boyle
I showed you my epistle, please respond
Two rich Corinthians walk into a leather bar…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uvyTTx33PPQ
@MsEdgyNation
I’m as WASPy as they come, and that would weed me out. No doubt it’s also meant to weed out Jewish women.
@Tabby Lavalamp
It’s even worse than that. Some of his base thinks he is God, a Messiah sent to “purify” the world.
They seem to have skipped over that uncomfortable little end-times bit about the Antichrist.
I am just waiting for one of these chuckleheads to declare that Lord Dampnut is, in fact, the second coming of Jesus that they have all been waiting for and prophesying, and therefore his narcissism qualifies as “devotion to God.”
@Lainy
That’s what I meant. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with consensual references to each other like you do with your husband, but I find it creepy when MAGA-tantra starts calling women he hasn’t even met goddesses.
@Universal Kami
He probably subscribes to the antifeminist idea that feminism was once good but isn’t now.
I’m also very suspicious of anyone who thinks they personally are a god or a messiah.
@Moggie
So have I, and I’m not even Christian. I thought that’s what it was called.
@Buttercup
That was something I noticed as well. I (and pretty much everyone on my mother’s side of the family) are Jewish and have curly hair.
I’ve seen a number of fundies claim that Obama was the Antichrist, and quite a few believe that they need to bring on the end times, so it’s certainly a creative interpretation.
@Karalora
It’s already happened. An evangelical ex-Jewish conspiracy theorist claimed that Trump was “King of Israel” and the “Second coming.”
@Naglfar
I am, or at least was, technically a god. In the late 90s, a half dozen Californians started worshipping me as a divinity for tax reasons. I lost contact with my high priest years ago, so I have no idea if they’re still at it.
@Dalillama, what godly powers do you have? I have some smitings in mind.
@Dalillama
I’m sorry if what I said was offensive to you. I more meant that I was suspicious of people like MAGA-tantra here. I don’t mean anything against you or your practice.
OT: Incels are whining about Joaquin Phoenix not being supportive of incels in his Oscar acceptance speech.
https://imgur.com/a/A8rEoqb
Anyone want to remind me what the code for inserting images is? I need to write it down for next time.
Sorry for the double post but it seems like the moderation closed down. I just wanted to drop the source which was a post from the facebook group “Once again, Satan is the logical and compassionate choice”; so I don’t claim credit for this find.
@Dalillama
That actually sounds like a hella interesting anecdote. Care to elaborate more on it, if you feel like it?
O/T, but some folks might find this interesting…
https://seejanefightback.com/2020/02/10/fighting-for-the-vote/
Also, hooray for Joaquim! For who he spoke up about and, in light of that whinge, who he didn’t.