Categories
bad anatomy reddit vaginas very bad advice

Young man worried his girlfriend has a cancer because his dudes keep spilling out of her gynecological region

The other kind of cream pie

By David Futrelle

A couple of days ago, a young man turned to the Relationships subreddit for advice on what he saw as a troubling health issue with his somewhat older girlfriend. And then things got weird.

“We have been dating for almost a year,” he began

I am 22 (almost 23) and she just turned 30. The first time my lady and I “got busy”, she put a “sex towel” on the bed. I thought it was funny and cute, but she did it the second time too, and the third, etc.

No one likes a wet spot!

Every time we do it, she puts down one or more towels. It isn’t very sexy and so finally one time after I asked her why she was doing it, and she looked at me like I was nuts.

That should be a clue.

“It’s for when your stuff spills out of me, so I don’t mess up my bed.” (We don’t use condoms) She showed me the towel, and sure enough, there were a bunch of my dudes in a puddle.

His dudes.

I don’t have a lot of experience, and I ended up asking some friends of mine, confidentially, if they use a sex towel with their partners, and they said no, they don’t, and that it shouldn’t be spilling out of there like that. One of them is going to school to be a gynecologist and she said there might be something seriously wrong that needs to get looked at.

Maybe your friends are fucking with you, because the vagina isn’t some weird semen Hoover. Your dudes aren’t going there to live.

Obviously I didn’t want to tell my gf that I talked about our sex life – I feel really crummy about that, but I really didn’t have a frame of reference really? But I did tell her that I did some research and that what’s going on there isn’t normal, and she should make an appointment with her gynecologist.

Oh my sweet summer child.

And she just started laughing about it. I’ve brought it up two more times since then, and every time she dismisses it or she gets kinda irritated with me. I try to show her how serious and concerned I am but that just seems to make it worse. I’m not a very good communicator, I stutter a lot and when I get nervous or embarrassed I smile compulsively, and I think maybe she thinks I’m kidding?

But I am not kidding. I love her and I am worried about her. I don’t want her to have a cancer or anything up in there. We would like to have some babies (that’s why no condoms), but I worry that the problems she’s having in her area might cause complications that could endanger her life.

The only alarming thing here is that they’re trying to have kids and he seems way too young and naive to handle a baby.

How can I get her to take this part of her health seriously?

TL;DR: My girlfriend has something wrong medically in her gynecological region and refuses to see a doctor about it or take it seriously

The assembled crowd informed him that no, she didn’t have a problem. What goes up in there must come out of there.

Hell, there’s even an entire genre of porn devoted to this process. All he needs to do is to go to his favorite porn site and type “creampie” in the search box to see an assortment of short featurettes highlighting this biological reality. (Or he could just check out Urban Dictionary, which helpfully defines “creampied” in somewhat mangled English as “The woman which vagina is fulfilled of cum during the orgasm.”)

The most heartening thing about the post is the young man’s update.

UPDATE: So yeah, turns out I’m a dummy. 🙂 I just got off the phone with my friend that I mentioned who is going to school to become a gynecologist … she said she was kidding around, and she thought I knew she was kidding. (I’m autistic so sometimes I don’t read people very well.) Thanks to everyone who weighed in.

Given how many people double down on their original bad opinions when they’ve been proven incorrect because they can’t stand to ever admit they’re wrong, it’s good to see someone actually willing to frankly admit a mistake and learn from it. He seems like a sweet kid.

But a sweet kid is still a kid, and that may be the real problem here: He seems way too young and inexperienced to have a kid himself. Maybe they should wait a few years? His sperm isn’t going to dry up, and despite what fearmongers like Stefan Molyneux would like everyone to believe, his girlfriend isn’t going to run out of eggs in the immediate future either.

At the very least, he needs to do some research (that doesn’t just involve asking a few friends their opinions) on pregnancy, so he won’t be shocked if his girlfriend starts vomiting all the time, and on fatherhood, so he won’t be shocked when his new baby starts spitting up all the time. Being responsible for an unpredictable and often unreasonable tiny person is crazy hard and demanding and full of surprises a lot more dramatic than a girlfriend setting out a “sex towel” every time you fuck.

If he’s a little squicked out by bodily fluids now, wait until he’s trying to deal with a peeing, pooping terror of a baby at 4 AM.

It may well be that his over-the-top anxiety about the wet spot on the towel is a sort of redirected anxiety about having a kid in the first place. He needs to figure that out before one of his dudes actually gets his girlfriend pregnant.

H/T — Twitter’s @redditships for highlighting this post

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

62 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

I recommend he use condoms for now (or at least some form of birth control). He needs to learn more before he has a baby. This man is not ready to be a father.
I thought this kind of thing was common knowledge.

Does referring to sperm as “dudes” sound odd to anyone else?

Fauxmccoy
Fauxmccoy
1 year ago

Yeah, given that he says that they want babies, I was wondering what his reaction to the burp cloth was going to be.

NautaliaC
NautaliaC
1 year ago

Does referring to sperm as “dudes” sound odd to anyone else?

Yes. Personifying sperm sounds a bit like discomfort at the function sperm actually has.

It may well be that his over-the-top anxiety about the wet spot on the towel is a sort of redirected anxiety about having a kid in the first place.

So, I don’t comment all that often and I should reiterate that I’m a trans* woman. Sadly, this wasn’t always the case. In my mid-twenties I was dating a wonderful woman in her early forties and though I had sexual experience beforehand I never had the anxiety associated with maybe possibly having a child as I did with this girlfriend. I was in the middle of understanding who I was as a person and the sheer possibility that I could unintentionally have a child and be locked into a male role as a father shook me to my core. Even using condoms was not enough to ease my mind about spending quality physical time with her and not to mention all of the emotional turmoil I was experiencing behind the veil of pretending to be a gender I was not.

I won’t say I was as naive as the OP. But, I can empathize with the anxiety, at least for completely different reasons.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@NautaliaC

Personifying sperm sounds a bit like discomfort at the function sperm actually has.

Which could connect back to the anxiety interpretation. He may fear that his sperm are little homunculi with minds of their own, and that could be why he calls them dudes.

For me, it just sounds odd because I think of sperm as little cells, not people. Also because too many people use kind of gross euphemisms for sperm. I’ve got no problem with the sperm itself, but I find it gross when people call it weird names like “baby yogurt” or “dudes.”

NautaliaC
NautaliaC
1 year ago

I’ve got no problem with the sperm itself, but I find it gross when people call it weird names like “baby yogurt” or “dudes.”

I couldn’t agree more. The imagery alone makes me nauseated.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

Peak male hubris: Rather than admit there might be some gaps in your knowledge, you diagnose your GF with stage IV sex towels.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

stage IV sex towels

Cool; I now have a name for my 1980’s Salford Polytechnic arthouse band! Someone get the ghost of John Peel on the phone.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy

The fact that this chap could at least ask about his worries, and get some sensible feedback, reminds me of a line from Sense8, where Kala’s auntie offers to tell her all about “things that happen on a girl’s wedding night.”
Kala responds with “Auntie, we have the internet for that” and her auntie says “I knew that thing was good for something.”

I honestly started watching Sense8 out of spite, because I saw a bunch of manbabies whining about its “sjw gay trans agenda” and I have to say thank you, manbabies. It’s such a great show 🙂

IseultTheIdle
IseultTheIdle
1 year ago

Thanks, David. Now I feel like my coochie is being renovated into a rad frat house for little dudes.

Bakunin
Bakunin
1 year ago

@Mish
It really is amazing. Cancelled long before it ever should have been :,(

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy

@Bakunin, I’m still only on season 1 but I’m already sad that it was cancelled. I just absolutely love all of the characters, and that’s incredibly rare for me!

Citerior Motive
Citerior Motive
1 year ago

This guy is a bit of an idiot, but I don’t see any evidence of explicit misogyny on his part.

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

I feel for his part where he talks about having trouble reading people, I too have a lot of trouble with sarcasm or when someone is telling a joke. I feel like both are not very good forms of communications. I also don’t like it when people talk in metaphors. That being said, I appreciate his concern. His naïve and inexperience about relationships shows he’s got a lot to learn before taking the huge step of having a child. If anything he should have just trusted his partner that she knew what was right about her body and took a chill pill.

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

I feel like refusing to believe his gf knows her own body well enough to know if something is wrong plus talking about her bodily functions behind her back to friends (and then internet strangers) because he refused to believe her is pretty darn misogynistic.

Crip Dyke
1 year ago

@Naglfar:

I’ve got no problem with the sperm itself, but I find it gross when people call it weird names like “baby yogurt” or “dudes.”

Yeah, I’m squicked out by many of these malphemisms but I admit that one is grandfathered in for me: “baby batter”.

When I first came out, my queer women friends used “baby batter” to refer specifically to ejaculate that was stored in a sperm bank and then used by queer women to make babies with no physical contact with any cis guys. By about 5 years later, my best friends and I were using it (not often, since we didn’t talk about semen often) to refer to male ejaculate even if it didn’t come from a sperm bank.

So… “baby batter” is okay to me. It’s something that was used in queer women’s communities (including my own) for our own purposes, and became humorous over time without ever having its meaning defined by men.

BUT… I totally get how anyone who didn’t experience that would perceive “baby batter” as just as gross as “baby yogurt” and almost as gross as “dudes”.

I can’t really explain what it is, but when guys make up these names there’s a weird dynamic (or maybe it’s hard to define because there’s more than one weird dynamic and not all the nicknames use all those dynamics, so each one is its own mix) that adds up to something sexist or toxic or just gross.

Meerkat
Meerkat
1 year ago

I feel like the sperm should be visible to the naked eye if they’re going to be referred to with a countable noun. That’s gotta be someone’s fetish 🙂

Fenton
Fenton
1 year ago

She should have said that his load was so huge that she couldn’t hold all of it.

Major confidence booster and *mostly* true.

😛

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Crip Dyke

I can’t really explain what it is, but when guys make up these names there’s a weird dynamic (or maybe it’s hard to define because there’s more than one weird dynamic and not all the nicknames use all those dynamics, so each one is its own mix) that adds up to something sexist or toxic or just gross.

I think I know what you mean. It feels like there’s some element of toxic masculinity in men using a lot of those terms. The term “dudes” especially shows this, because it’s conceptualizing the sperm as little men and uses a specifically masculine term because God forbid the sperm be something other than manly.

@Meerkat

I feel like the sperm should be visible to the naked eye if they’re going to be referred to with a countable noun.

Sperm are among the smallest human cells, so they aren’t visible to the naked eye. Eggs can be (depending on how good your eyes are), though.

Joekster
Joekster
1 year ago

I’d agree that he’s not ready to have kids, but then, everyone I know who has kids tells me they weren’t really prepared to have children either. My wife and I are working on having children ourselves- we’re both physicians in our thirties, and as prepared as we’re going to be, and I’m pretty sure most of being a parent will be surprising to me.

I’m a bit squicked out that this guy took his concerns to Reddit rather than trusting his SO. Maybe his autism makes him less comfortable with in-person confrontations?

LaMaria
LaMaria
1 year ago

Can we just address that this guy needs better friends? Surely they know he’s autistic and has trouble reading subtext; it feels mean that they (plural?) pranked him on something that feels so serious to him and didn’t clear the issue up before saying goodnight.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

@kupo:

I feel like refusing to believe his gf knows her own body well enough to know if something is wrong plus talking about her bodily functions behind her back to friends (and then internet strangers) because he refused to believe her is pretty darn misogynistic.

Exactly. Even though he comes across as sweet and well-meaning, it illustrates how often men are socialized to think women’s normal body functions are gross or pathological, and how poor sex education (at least in the U.S.) is at teaching teens about what’s “normal”, or at least not a cause for concern. I don’t know what he expected to happen with his sperm, but instead of communicating with his partner for reassurance, he went to his friends for confirmation. And they told him what he wanted to hear, instead of counseling him to chill out and listen to his girlfriend.

If he’s not mature enough to talk to his partner and believe what she says about her own body, he’s not mature enough to be having sex, let alone trying for a baby. Babies are constantly doing unexpected things that make you wonder “wow, is that normal or should we go see a doctor?” Every little spitup or rash is going to send him to the ER in a panic.

I wonder if the sex towels bother him because they’re a reminder that she has more experience than him. It’s telling that he assumed she had some terrible disease that made her “semen incontinent”. We hear hot dog-in-a-hallway rants all the time from guys who think women are supposed to hold onto it. Vaginas aren’t paper towels.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Buttercup

how poor sex education (at least in the U.S.) is at teaching teens about what’s “normal”,

It’s true that in much of America sex ed is pitifully inadequate. In the district I grew up in, it was optional so almost nobody took it (I didn’t), and those who did reported that it had an abstinence only curriculum and didn’t discuss consent.

It’s telling that he assumed she had some terrible disease that made her “semen incontinent”.

I’m just wondering what he thought was going to happen. Does he not know how basic physics works?

Cindy
Cindy
1 year ago

Creepy dude, if you’re reading this, I will literally pay for you to go get sterilized. You should never have children ever.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

There is no grosser euphemism to me than when dudes call a vagina an axe wound.

It’s doubly gross because one, it implies that vaginas are inherently damaged and hideous and two it sexualizes violence against women.

No man who calls my vagina an axe wound is ever getting near it.

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

@ Cindy

That was super on call for. Not a fan of that whole you said something I don’t like autistic person so now you need to be sterilized considering that this is a group of people who still have to fight for the right not to have forced sterilization and abortion forces into them that statement was way more gross then that guy calling his sperm little dudes.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@Cindy, the fuck is wrong with you? This guy sounds teachable, unlike a lot of the malignant fuckers we usually talk about here.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

Referring to sperm as “my dudes” is probably just a jokey turn of phrase, but it still bothers me a bit to see someone assign personhood to cells, since it’s that kind of thinking which leads to clumps of fetal cells being given rights.

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

@Moggie

Thank you, I’m glad someone else saw the problem with what this person said

Tbh the guy in the post kind of reminded me just a bit of my husband in some parts when we first started dating. Which really just showed how bad the sex education in the untied states is. I had to explain to him what a vulva was, and without being to much tmi I was the only woman he’s had sex with while menstruating. He got super concerned when he saw the blood because he thought he hurt me because he didn’t think people bled that much during menstruation. Told me he thought it was a couple drops ever hour or something. (yes this man has two sisters)

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

Wtaf, Cindy?

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Cindy
WTF? You are literally calling for someone to be sterilized because they didn’t know something. Sure, they were a bit ignorant and made some errors, but I don’t think that warrants sterilization.

Maybe it’s because I’m autistic myself, but to me these statements aren’t so harmless. Sterilization of neurodivergent individuals has a nasty history, like Lainy said. And it continues to this day. Please be more sensitive.

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

@Nalfar

Sorry that made you have to look up a citation for it. I didn’t want to go into that horribleness so early in the morning.

Katamount
1 year ago

Human bodies, how do they work? How is babby formed?

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/4f016964-c56c-48f9-960f-27d355381675/gif

This is what happens when sex ed gets left to the internet. Looking your way, Douglas Ford.

@Naglfar

I’ve got no problem with the sperm itself, but I find it gross when people call it weird names like “baby yogurt” or “dudes.”

Yeah, it’s off-puttingly juvenile, as if they’re afraid to just call it what it is. Having written my fair share of graphically explicit sex scenes, you have to grapple with synonyms that range from clinical to poetic. “Semen”, “ejaculate”, “fluids,” and if the moment calls for vernacular “cream” or “jizz.” Most of the time, I’m describing the moment of orgasm anyway, which spares me the need to describe the end-product. It’s all ropes and strings and spurts as far as the eye can see!

@WWTH

There is no grosser euphemism to me than when dudes call a vagina an axe wound.

…wait, that’s a thing…?! Ughhh…

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Katamount

Having written my fair share of graphically explicit sex scenes, you have to grapple with synonyms that range from clinical to poetic. “Semen”, “ejaculate”, “fluids,” and if the moment calls for vernacular “cream” or “jizz.”

In my very limited experience with writing erotic material I leaned towards the latter. It sounded too medical and unsexy to talk about ejaculation.

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

@ katamount

wait, that’s a thing…?! Ughhh

It very much is a thing. It’s right up there with calling a vagina a gash

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Lainy, Katamount
I’ve heard the wound thing a lot from TERFs about trans* women who have had GCS. For example, item C in David’s TERFs vs Nazis post.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
1 year ago

Lainy wrote:

Tbh the guy in the post kind of reminded me just a bit of my husband in some parts when we first started dating. Which really just showed how bad the sex education in the untied states is. I had to explain to him what a vulva was, and without being to much tmi I was the only woman he’s had sex with while menstruating. He got super concerned when he saw the blood because he thought he hurt me because he didn’t think people bled that much during menstruation. Told me he thought it was a couple drops ever hour or something. (yes this man has two sisters)

As a teen, I was reasonably well educated on what menstruation is biologically, but not so much what it is practically. I long assumed that the amount of actual blood involved (as opposed to uterine fluid and mucus) would be very small. Why? Well, obviously natural selection wouldn’t favor a system that wastes substantial amounts of blood … yeah.

As a teen and young adult, I kept occasionally hearing the notion that women (generally) don’t like (PIV) sex during their period. Only more recently I’ve heard (from feminist women online) that period sex is a thing, and something men might have trouble dealing with, rather than without.

As for having sisters – I only ever asked my sister (when we were teens) if it’s true that you can’t go swimming while on period. Her answer was kind of indecisive. (Supposedly, girls often skipped mandatory swimming lessons at school, not that I begrudged them on that.)

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

@naglfar

I wish I could say I’m surprised but I’m really not

@lumipuna

Yeah knowing what menstruation is and then actually seeing the blood, especially on you is a whole different thing. That being said I have a relatively heavy flow.

Katamount
1 year ago

@Katamount

In my very limited experience with writing erotic material I leaned towards the latter. It sounded too medical and unsexy to talk about ejaculation.

It depends on how its deployed. Blunt descriptions are never sexy, but if it fits the sentence’s flow, I’ll use it.

@Lainy

It very much is a thing. It’s right up there with calling a vagina a gash

That one is familiar and very obnoxious.

Couch Thing
1 year ago

This post is so different from what I expect here. It’s just a tale of a naive, ignorant kid with good intentions. I isn’t cruel, or hateful. Just kind of a dope who needed some correction. And, it looks like he took that correction when it came. Is this an uplifting WHtM post? Can such a thing exist?

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

@katamount

I’ve also seen vagina compared to bleeding bullet wounds as well

Gaebolga
Gaebolga
1 year ago

Lainy wrote:

I’ve also seen vagina compared to bleeding bullet wounds as well

Jeez, the shit I miss out on being a penis-haver.

…[/s] just in case it wasn’t clear.

In the spirit of reciprocity, perhaps we should start referring to dicks as “genital hernias”….

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

David, if you’re reading: I hope you’ll write a post about that horrifying AITA thread you rt’d. I think that’s far more deserving of attention than naive sex towel guy.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Gaebolga
I’ve heard it jokingly called a “frontal skin tag.”

One of the inherent sexist bits of English (there is no shortage) is that there is no male equivalent to the word “c**t.” Although there are certainly many slang terms for penises, some more offensive than others, there aren’t any (that I’m aware of, anyway) that come anywhere near as offensive as the aforementioned term.

@Moggie
That thread was definitely more deserving of attention. The OP in this post didn’t seem to have bad intentions even if what he did was less than ideal. The AITA thread is downright horrifying.

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

As a teen and young adult, I kept occasionally hearing the notion that women (generally) don’t like (PIV) sex during their period.

I don’t think it’s the majority, but for me it causes pain, I assume because of all the inflammation that’s part of the whole process. TMI warning: I can’t even go solo without some amount of pain. Plus my menstrual backaches can get pretty bad.

Inconstant Reader
Inconstant Reader
1 year ago

@Lumipuna

You (and others) might enjoy a Rachel Bloom’s song “Period Sex,” done for her TV series but the network wouldn’t let it air:
https://youtu.be/Uab2BlDpPxQ

Includes the line: “If you’re grossed out, let’s pretend it’s cherry lube!“

epitome of incomprehensibility

I laughed at “I don’t want her to have a cancer or anything up in there.” I mean, cancer isn’t funny, but the situation! and the phrase UP IN THERE! Anyway.

I only ever asked my sister (when we were teens) if it’s true that you can’t go swimming while on period. Her answer was kind of indecisive.

For me, the blood flow mostly stops when I’m in the water, but when I was a teenager I wouldn’t swim during the first two days of my period, because in swimming lessons there were times you had to get out of the water and wait – and I didn’t use tampons, just pads, so I couldn’t wear those with a swimsuit.

Also, physical discomfort might be an issue? I’m lucky not to have that much PMS/period pain (for me it’s just a bloated, slightly uncomfortable feeling with occasional back pain) but other people with worse symptoms might not want to go swimming because of that.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago
Nikki the Bluth Wannabe
Nikki the Bluth Wannabe
1 year ago

I’m a virgin, so this is hypothetical so far, but I can’t see myself ever enjoying period sex because I just don’t feel sexy when I’m on my period. Nothing against those who do enjoy it-it’s just not my thing.

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

As someone else on the spectrum, what they gynecologist friend did is rather mean. People like us don’t recognize jokes that easily, and we tend to get worried over stupid things like that quite often. And who here is in a position to say whether or not the guy should be a father, given that the whole process of parenthood is something that can’t just be taught in a classroom?

Dave, I really expected better from you than this. Save the mockery for people who truly deserve it, not for people whose only crime was being born with the “wrong” brain wiring.

That's a Moray
That's a Moray
1 year ago

@Anonymous
Being born with the “wrong” brain type, refusing to believe his girlfriend about her own body, and talking about it behind her back with internet randos