By David Futrelle
We’ve met them before, these mysterious and stinky straight men, who refuse to wipe or wash their asses because they’re afraid that doing so is somehow gay.
We don’t know how many of these men there are; indeed, the only reason we know about them is that their girlfriends and wives have taken to Reddit and elsewhere to tell the world about their horrific discoveries with regards to their significant others’ nether regions.
Yes, this means that at least some of these guys have girlfriends (!) and wives (!!), which adds a whole new layer to the horror.
One of these unfortunate women turned to Reddit’s Relationship_Advice subreddit today for help with her boyfriend, who not only refuses to wipe (and presumably also wash) his ass but who also thinks that touching, much less cleaning, his junk would also give him a case of teh gays.
Let’s hear her tale of woe.
“My (23F) boyfriend (24M) of almost a year doesn’t wash his genitals,” she began
Almost a YEAR and you’re just now discovering this?
So basically, he explained that he doesn’t touch himself there, ever, because it’s “gay”. Therefore he can’t clean the area specifically and just lets it get wet in the shower, that’s it.
Ewwwwww.
Other than this his hygiene is fine.
I question this judgement.
I only became aware of the issue when we started getting more intimate.
I guess True Love Waits, and then when it stops waiting it discovers an exceedingly gross dick.
Yes. You read it right: He thinks washing his penis would be gay. What the hell. In fact he thinks any touching of anything between his legs is gay. This was completely ridiculous and I started asking him what about masturbating? What about wiping after he poops??
If you have to ask, the answer isn’t going to be good.
Well it turns out, the reason he uses a bidet is so he won’t have to wipe. Using a bidet is not a problem to me, and I’ve never experienced a problem with his hygiene in that regard, but the fact he installs a bidet not out of cleanliness preference but to avoid “being gay” by wiping his OWN ASS is just…. I can’t believe that’s a real thing. I asked what about public toilets? He said he never poops anywhere besides his home so it’s not a problem. That’s bullshit, he’s pooped at mine. And I don’t have a bidet. So put two and two together.
What about before he had a bidet? What about when he travels? And since he presumably never washes between poopings, is his ass just poopy until he can return to his home base?
Then as for masturbating, he apparently doesn’t do that either! That’s also “gay.” What the hell. He admitted he used to masturbate when he was younger but it “he felt weird” doing it so he stopped. Uh… I’m not saying he’s required to jerk off or something, I don’t care, it’s again the insane reasoning behind it.
Hey, stinky dude, FYI, if you sit on your own hand until it goes numb, you could always just pretend it’s someone else’s hand.
Or maybe you could just use tongs?
Just trying to be helpful.
He says “any contact a guy has with the male ass or pubic areas is in a gay realm.” I said that makes absolutely no sense when it’s your own body. It’s not GAY to tend to your OWN self, gay involves OTHER people!
He’s also, presumably, got his own tongue in his mouth. Does that mean he’s French kissing himself all the time? That seems gay too. Cut out your tongue, stinky dick boy!
This even extends into our sex life. I found out the reason he didn’t want to try “doggy style” is because that’s a “gay position.” I’M NOT A DUDE, HOW IT IS GAY LMAO. Like this is so fucking ridiculous.
Hey fellas, is fucking your girlfriend gay?
This became an argument because I couldn’t help showing how I felt about this bullshit. Like, is every girl a lesbian now because we wipe after peeing?? And girls who use tampons? Where does his logic end? Of course, he thinks “that’s different” but can’t explain how.
I’m sure the idea that all women are secret lesbians is very titillating to him.
Well what about all the other men who do jerk off, are they all gay too? He said, “I’m just saying you’re dealing with a dick, it’s kind of a gay act.”
EVERYONE IS GAY EXCEPT ME
He got more mad at me the more I tried to reason with him. I just gave up eventually and we haven’t spoken much since, this was yesterday. I can’t talk to him if he’s going to be belligerent.
I really don’t think I can just get over this. Both how he refuses to properly clean himself and also that the way he thinks about it is so irrational. I know it sounds horrible to say this but I almost feel like I’ve lost some respect for him.
Almost!? Some!!??
Before now I always saw him as a very mature intelligent person. Now I’m questioning that but am not sure if it’s fair of me.
Oh it’s fair of you.
Has anyone else had a boyfriend with this issue before? Are there a lot of dudes who think like this? How do I get him to stop doubling down and understand why calling it gay makes no sense?
Somehow I doubt that someone who is happy to walk around with a poopy ass and stinky junk because it means he’s not gay is going to listen to reason.
TL;DR: My boyfriend won’t wash his genitals, among other things, because he believes touching his body there is “gay”. All he did when I pointed out how that doesn’t make any sense is get defensive. I had no clue he was this neurotic about intentionally neglecting his personal hygiene. Which is a problem for obvious reasons. What do you do when your partner persists in believing something crazy?
If it’s something like this, you RUN.
RUN, GIRL, RUN!
H/T — thanks to @Jennifer_deG, who tweeted about this
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Hmm. Given his current hygiene “practices”, he should be developing hemorrhoids any day now.
Let’s see how long he can keep resisting the urge to scratch that itch.
Whenever I see these types of thing, I’m most surprised by the fact that it took months or years for wives and girlfriends to notice this. Don’t the men who don’t wipe smell terrible? And wouldn’t they get infections and give infections to their partners? I recommend this woman stop having sex with him for her own safety.
Anyway, I checked the Reddit thread. The redditors seemed to believe that he was closeted and gay or that he had been molested as a child. I’m not buying the closeted gay idea because that seems too close to some homophobic stereotypes. I’m not sure about the molested child theory because I don’t know much about the long term psychological effects, so I can’t say if that one seems plausible.
@jsrtheta
And if he does get hemorrhoids, my guess is he will refuse to see a doctor because it would be “gay” to have a doctor touch his butt.
We know that Roosh V didn’t wipe back when he was talked about, and I’d hardly be surprised if he still doesn’t. This site also covered this as a specific topic at least once before.
“Touching yourself is gay” is a form of “messing with the breeders” which goes back to at least the late ’80s (when I first encountered it), and I’d hardly be surprised if it went back much further. Even so, that’s kind of surprising for someone to internalize.
It sounds as if he’s been really poorly educated and possibly brought up by extremist Christian fundies. He seems pretty badly brainwashed.
@Amy E
Do fundamentalists not wipe their butts? I mean, on some level I’m not surprised, but I had assumed most if not all people did this as basic hygiene. It seems I was incorrect in that assumption, which frankly is unfortunate.
I’ve never been into smelly dudes, so I can’t understand how this woman’s relationship has lasted so long. I would imagine undressing with him would be gag-inducing. Yuck.
I want to know why on earth this poor woman stuck around! There are millions upon millions of “mature intelligent” guys who aren’t, you know, festering shit-soaked homophobic nightmares…
I respect that it’s currently impossible to move off this planet, though it would be the right call here, but why didn’t she lose his number immediately???
How can he stand it?!?! It must itch all the time!
Keeping one’s body (including one’s genitals) clean is NOT GAY! W in actual T F are they even thinking? This woman should absolutely RUN for the Hills or else he may pass on his very unhealthy views onto their children, particularly their sons. He’s poison, quite literally.
@Tyko
I’d wonder that as well. And the smell, and infections, and skid marks…eurggh!
I thought this was the kind of thing one learns when being toilet trained. Now wondering if this is possibly passed down through the family (i.e. father was this way as well and taught son not to wipe his butt).
It makes me sad that women are socialized to have such low self esteem and low expectations that they’ll stick around for this shit.
I do not deign to make jokes playing off this statement.
Aw, but I made it so easy!
Has it not occurred to any of these stinky dudes to just use a sponge or a loofah glove or a tulle shower pouf or even a long-handled brush if they’re particularly squeamish? Obvious solution is so obvious that I suspect that making some poor woman experience their filthy nethers is just a really unpleasant and abusive power-play.
Question about this: What is the heterosexual way to pee? Like if I use my hand to aim so the urine goes in the toilet that logically also makes you gay. But if I sit down to pee, well that’s how women pee so I assume that would make me trans by the same principle. Is there a cis straight way to pee that would get urine all over the floor?
This guy’s whole logical basis of this idea reminds me of a fun thought experiment I ran across in an old Cracked article: if you had a temporary clone of yourself that lasted one hour, would it be gay to engage in sexual activity with the clone, or a form of masturbation?
Seconded. This whole thing is a heap of mystery upon enigma.
I thought the previous shitstain guy was likely just someone with a poor hygiene habit, and when questioned, he grasped at whatever “plausible” sounding excuse he could think.
Now, I wonder if this guy is trying (without proper vocabulary) to express that he has some sort of extreme sexual shame/body disgust complex. I can’t imagine him or his partner enjoying sex much.
(In any case, he’s likely hugely homophobic, which is often driven by disgust sensitivity.)
When my brother and I were younger (like, early teens), he asked me if inserting tampons felt good. And my response was basically just “???? No?”
A little while later I realized a better response would have been to ask “does it feel good to hold your penis when you pee?”
Though apparently there are some fully-grown men who can’t tell the difference between hygenic/maintenance touching of one’s own body and sexually gratifying touching, so maybe that analogy wouldn’t have been a universally better answer.
I’m going with masturbation, because there’s absolutely zero mystery about what my clone likes? Which is, to be clear, chocolate gelato, a bubble bath, and a firm but thoughtful foot massage. Hair brushing is on the list too.
Sex is way down there on the list with just about anyone anymore, I’m old and tired and on a lot of Zoloft.
If I was to not clean myself properly after a day or two, I start to feel rotten. I never heard the argument that washing your privates is Gay before but even if I was told that in school I’d say “Fine then, I’ll be gay, just let me clean myself you chodes.”
Maybe she kind of got used to the smell without realising it, but I have no doubt that other people did notice it. There’s no way that you wouldn’t notice that.
I remember visiting a friend’s house back in the day, where she lived with her partner of a few years. There was a packet of wet wipes on top of the toilet, with a hand written note on it that said “Use these after you poop or NO SEX”. I’m fairly certain it wasn’t for me.
They’re still together. Presumably she house trained him eventually.
At least this guy uses a bidet, though I can’t see the likes of Roosh approving of using french bathroom equipment.
@An Autistic Giraffe
Having had to clean up areas where men (of unknown sexuality) would gather to pee, I can say that a technique that involves sort of blasting urine across a 180 degree arc in front of the urinator is a relatively common technique. There are designs of urinal which can cope with this sort of aggressively unaimed assault without undue mess, but the smell still remained 🙁
Why stop there, stinky junk guy? Shaving is pretty gay, because you’re running your hands tenderly over a man’s face. Showering: running your hands all over a man’s soapy body? Extremely gay! Hair washing: why are you lovingly massaging a man’s scalp? Basically, any non-violent touching of your own body is extremely suspect.
Oh, YUCK!!!! Not only is this unbelievably gross and disgusting as far as creating a vast “Zone of Stink” around him – making everyone who gets near him gag and turn green – but it is a health hazard for him and anyone who climbs into bed with him.
Gah! It took her that long to notice the toxic cloud of foul and noxious odors emanating from him? Did she not see the line of bodies on the trail behind him?
I fear that I shall never sleep again, what with this floating through my mind. Thanks, David, for pointing out one more neurosis that can arise out of severe misogyny and fear of the DREADED GAY FOLK! ? ? ?
This… seems to be bordering on making fun of a harmless and possibly mentally ill person.
Nowhere does it say that this guy treats his girlfriend badly, that he acts homophobic towards others or that he’s in any way linked with manosphere shenanigans. Sure, it can reasonably be assumed that this person would treat gay men badly, but we can’t know that. His own girlfriend was with him for a year and never mentions noticing homophobic behavior towards others. She mentions being shocked and bewildered to find out his reasoning, not “well that figures since he hates teh gheys just so goddamn much”
There’s every possibility that for whatever reason he’s a good dude who picked up some… unfortunate beliefs. For comparison, I once had a child in my care who would store his waste, nail clippings and hair in jars because he was afraid of losing parts of himself until he disappeared. Not saying the dude in question has a psychiatric/psychological problem at all, none of us can know that, but to illustrate that my natural instinct is to look for the person behind the behavior. And if this dude was in my care, I would gently… probe further (okay I get ONE dumb joke).
As far as we know, this dude’s only crime against his fellow man is being very stinky and getting defensive when called on it, which I think is understandable. And I can’t help but feel compassion for anyone who’s had their early sexual experiences hijacked by toxic masculinity and heteronormative purity culture.
All this to say, I am uncomfortable with and politely object to the choice to feature this dude in the context of this blog.