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Man with 700 pounds of beef laments that he can’t find a wife

By David Futrelle

The dating world is rough.

What kind of world do we live in when a man with so much beef to offer can’t find himself a decent woman to settle down with?

Maybe someone should put him in touch with this woman.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

Well, maybe he could marry Jordan Peterson’s daughter. IIRC she’s on an all-beef diet like her father, so 700lbs of beef would be a draw.

Aron
Aron
1 year ago

Moo.

Lainy
Lainy
1 year ago

This kind of reminded me of a conversation i had with my husband when we were dating. He asked me ” what’s so wrong with a man wanting to be a provider” because he was raised pretty old school Catholic in America in a conservative state so I told him there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be a provider. Wanting to be a provider is like half the part it takes to wanting to be a parent. But I as a grown adult do not need a provider. I make my own money and don’t want to be dependent on a romantic partner in order to survive.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago
Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

Try that again…

https://youtu.be/btEpF334Rtc

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

Fuck you, Alan! Some things are best forgotten.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

Well that’s interesting. It seems that expressing, ah, robust disapproval of someone’s choice of music can get your comment held for moderation!

Specialffrog
Specialffrog
1 year ago

This seems like a bit from the “Beef and Dairy Network” podcast.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of 700 lbs of beef, must be in want of a wife. And a large freezer.

Good thing he has health insurance, because that’s too much beef.

Victorious Parasol
1 year ago

Meh. Now, if he said he knew 700 ways to cook beef, I’d be intrigued.

Jesalin, Goddess of Lust & Pleasure
Jesalin, Goddess of Lust & Pleasure
1 year ago

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of 700 lbs of beef, must be in want of a wife. And a large freezer.

And seriously in need of fibre.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Jesalin

And seriously in need of fibre.

It’s a small miracle that Jordan Peterson is not dead almost 2 years into his all beef diet.

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

Probably he’s lying about it. Like the Breatharians.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Dalillama
He’s probably lying, but how many of his fans think that he only tells the truth and tried this diet for themselves? I’d bet at least a few people actually did it, likely yielding unfortunate results.

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

And yet, you sit there on your throne of beef and don’t make any effort to find your paragon of a partner. Odd.

https://twitter.com/Actor1/status/1191046227560980485?s=19

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

“Throne of beef”. OMG

Brassica
Brassica
1 year ago

“Well, it’s awful sad and lonely
To lead a single life
I think I’ll go to the dance tonight
And find meself a wife
Oh, I have got six bundle pigs
Likewise one big fat sow
There’ll be plenty love and bacon
For the girl who’ll love me now”

https://lyrics.fandom.com/wiki/Poxy_Boggards:Itches_In_Me_Britches

Amtep
Amtep
1 year ago

700 lbs of beef that’s, like, less than half a mammoth. No wonder the ladies are not impressed.

Bina
1 year ago

Yeah, anybody who greets me as “you women” really has a head start on the herd there.

Or at least, he sounds like someone who beefs an awful lot.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Amtep
Mammoths weighed up to 12,000 lbs (5440 kg), so 700lbs is less than 6% of a mammoth. I wouldn’t be impressed by that.

varalys the dark
1 year ago

There’s actually a subreddit for people on the carnivore diet. r/carnivore has about twelve thousand subscribers and is a source of endlessly entertaining posts for us vegans.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

I bet he also thinks women are horrible steak diggers.

It’s really weird how guys who brag about their house, job, and three-figure tenderloin annuity tend to attract women who are primarily interested in their assets.

MarcVH
MarcVH
1 year ago

Where have I heard about700 pounds of beef before?

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

would like to meet u
pls send picture of beef

moregeekthan
moregeekthan
1 year ago

TBH, back when I was on dating sites, if a woman mentioned she received 700 lbs. of beef per year, that would be a point in her favor.

Weasel-Rah
Weasel-Rah
1 year ago

Alone in the middle of several hundred acres with only a freezer full of beef to keep you company while the Man is off Providing.
That’s stimulating.

Cats R Us
Cats R Us
1 year ago

What’s a “puncher by trade”?

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
1 year ago

“Throne of beef”. OMG

Now, this really amusing when I think of in Finnish, as a Game of Thrones spoof.

Iron Throne = rautavaltaistuin

Beef Throne = nautavaltaistuin

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
1 year ago

700 lbs a year is quite a lot, though not enough for one person’s “carnivore” diet.

But what does it even mean? This guy gets a huge amount of beef as a job benefit? I sometimes get berries and potatoes because I work in plant production research, but it’s not in any way official or regular.

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

@Lumipuna
That’s hilarious! Though I have to point out that 700lbs of beef is more than enough for one person per year. It’s enough for 30.6 ounces per day. 4 ounces is a reasonable serving. This would be two HUGE steaks worth of beef every single day.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@kupo
How much would one have to eat per day if they were eating exclusively beef?

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

@Naglfar
~2 lbs of beef runs ~2200 kcals, so you’re alright if you don’t do anything strenuous.

@Lainy
He herds cattle for a living, and is allowed one steer a year as his personal allotment. That works out to 600-700 lbs of meat, depending on the size of the live animal (usually about a third of the weight is bones and gristle etc.)

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

Now we’ll have meatcels complaining that it’s over for them because they only have 150 lbs of beef.

My housing is paid for

…by the rancher whose log cabin I live in.

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

@Naglfar
Assuming a 2,000 calorie diet, which is low even for sedentary people, 28 ounces if we’re talking 85% lean. But you’ll die of scurvy before you get through the whole 700 lbs. 🙃

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@kupo

But you’ll die of scurvy before you get through the whole 700 lbs.

That would be my main concern for anyone trying to eat an all meat diet. That and other vitamin deficiencies. I’m a vegetarian and generally don’t have a problem getting all the vitamins and macronutrients from my food and supplements (though I tend to have less iron than I should), but I imagine that an all meat diet is rather lacking in many of these.

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

@Naglfar
You can get your nutrients from an all-meat (or almost all-meat) diet, so long as you eat all the organs and some of their contents.

CarrieV
CarrieV
1 year ago

“And I swear you women would rather have a loser than a provider”

Yeah, chief, I just did a quick, informal poll amongst my lady-friends and each one of us found being referred to as “you women” quite unfathomably repellent.

Please refrain from such usage in the future, lest you die even more alone than you already will be.

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
1 year ago

Beef for dinner again?

I suppose it would taste better than seagull.

Battering Lamb
Battering Lamb
1 year ago

[picture removed at request of commenter –df]

Or he could try this solution, offered by the comic Preacher. I’d advise brain bleach.

Dvärghundspossen
Dvärghundspossen
1 year ago

I follow this guy on Facebook who’s a physiotherapist, and so doesn’t do research on nutrition himself, but regularly blogs about research in this area, in a very thourough and impartial manner. It’s interesting to read his stuff, because most people who write about nutritional research does so from within a particular bubble – like vegan bloggers only writing about research that supports veganism, low-carb bloggers only writing about research that support THEIR diet, etc for other diet groups. They’ll both cherry-pick studies, and twist the results or report about them in a misleading way.
(Note: I’ve been a vegan myself for 23 years now, for animal rights reasons. And a GOOD vegan diet – which is not any vegan diet whatsoever – is undoubtedly healthy. That doesn’t change the fact that you get a skewed picture of the health benefits from health-vegan bloggers and writers. Just like with any health-diet-fans.)

ANYHOOO, at some point I said to this physiotherapist dude online that surely Jordan Peterson is lying because otherwise he’d be dead from scurvy. And physiotherapist dude replied, also referencing research, that there are, for instance, small amounts of vitamin C in raw or barely-cooked meat; overall, you can get a sufficient amount of all vitamins etc not to get really ill or die from an all-meat diet. So JP might, for all we know, be telling the truth. And if you switch from regular western eating habits to almost ANY diet whatsoever, you tend to a) lose weight, and b) get improved readings on certain health measurements, at least initially.

There’s no reason, though, to believe a carnivore diet is long-term good for you, even if you SURVIVE on it and don’t actually die from scurvy. There’s a wide span between surviving and thriving. And yeah, obviously. You’d have to be EXTREMELY sectioned off in your own little internet bubble to think a meat-only diet would be GREAT, health-wise.

Dvärghundspossen
Dvärghundspossen
1 year ago

Re this provider bullshit… I’ve got tenure now, and a good salary, and I support Husband so he could quit working at the railroad and go to university and study to be a librarian instead (which is perfect for him, since he reads so much and loves books). Before that, he was falling to pieces with stress; a new company took over at his old job in 2016 and they were way worse than the old one, he had to work CRAZY hours, was in a fog of tiredness all the time and even began to get heart arythmia. Things are a million times better now.

Now he doesn’t have some kind of “provider” hang-up, but imagine how sad it would be to think that your worth in a relationship rests on bringing MONEY to the table. Ugh.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Dvärghundspossen

So JP might, for all we know, be telling the truth.

I still doubt it. This is Jordan Peterson we’re talking about. He lies about everything else, what would make him any more likely to tell the truth on this issue? For folks like him, I assume everything they say is false until proven otherwise.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

@ naglfar

He lies about everything else

Well not sleeping for 25 days straight is bound to be disorientating; cut the guys come slack!

Dvärghundspossen
Dvärghundspossen
1 year ago

Hahaha, yeah the sleep thing was obviously false. I was just surprised to learn that it’s possible to survive on an all-meat diet and not just die of scurvy or something, so I shared that piece with you, but yeah… it’s not like I’d be the least bit surprised if he drinks orange juice when no one’s watching.

Cyborgette
Cyborgette
1 year ago

@Battering Lamb

I know this site is by no means a “safe space” etc., but in the future could you please at least provide a warning before the embedded image when you post stuff like that? Aside from just being gross, without context and at first glance my brain jumped to “illustration showing a woman’s butchered corpse” and just fuck no. I’ve gotten enough imagery like that second-hand from hospital waiting room TVs without even trying.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

@ Dvärghundspossen

It’s all quite interesting about carnivore diets; although the Masai thing turned out to be a myth.

A lot of people do report immediate health benefits once switching; but that’s because the carnivore diet is a pretty broad spectrum elimination diet. So if you had a gluten intolerance you were unaware of, then that would clear up.

Seraph4377
Seraph4377
1 year ago

Yeah buddy. Most women I’m aware of consider financial stability in a partner to be a big plus, whether they’re looking for a “provider” or not, and 700 pounds of beef a year isn’t a BAD thing for most (less of a selling point than you seem to think, though), so I have to wonder what’s wrong with YOU that you’re having so much trouble. As others have pointed out, starting out your address with “you women” probably doesn’t help.

If what you want is a woman to live alone (plus any kids you produce) in the middle of the hundreds of acres you live on, taking care of your paid-for housing (what odd phrasing…do you actually OWN the hundreds of acres and the housing, or is Buttercup right?) so you can be The Provider? Yeah, that’s gonna narrow down the field for you a little bit.

Moon Custafer
Moon Custafer
1 year ago

@ Dvärghundspossen:

If I understand things correctly, the problem with the naval provisions of hard tack and salted meat was not just the lack of fresh fruit, but that the meat *was* salted and preserved – fresher meat might have had some vitamin C. Also the lime cordial didn’t necessarily help because while it was made from citrus fruit, the vitamin C had also been broken down by the preservation process. Basically, if you’re trying to get your vitamins from food, freshness is a big deal?

Dvärghundspossen
Dvärghundspossen
1 year ago

Moon Custafer: Yeah exactly, the meat can’t be dried, it’s gotta be fresh and raw or barely cooked. You can, like, survive on just meat, and this isn’t based on massai but some more recent research in the western world. BUT probably still pretty bad for you, at least in the long run.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Whenever someone tells me an extreme diet improved their health, I kind of don’t believe them. Because short term good feelings are usually conflated with health. And as someone who has experienced an eating disorder, I can confirm that in the short run, undernourishment leads to euphoric feelings. Being high isn’t health.