By David Futrelle
A cryptocurrency guru who calls himself Crypto de Medici is celebrating the start of #NoNutNovember by bringing the gospel of Semen Retention to his nearly 90 thousand Twitter followers.
Mr. de Medici generally posts about such topics as bitcoin, vaping, and the alleged “Globalist War Against Nationalism.” But today he’s all about precious bodily fluids and energy vibrations.
I guess he’s probably right about the vibrations. A lot of dudes end up vibrating fron sheer horniness after several days of not whacking the mole.
But Mr. de Medici isn’t just about not masturbating. He also thinks men should refrain from ejaculation during sex most of the time as well — saving their seed for special occasions.
And if you play your cards right, penis-havers, you can snatch some sex energy from the ladies without giving up any of your own!
Don’t listen to the “Shadow Men” telling you that sex has anything to do with making babies.
Similarly, you shouldn’t listen to the doctors who tell you that masturbation can lower your risk of prostate cancer. Because apparently they are all in the pocket of Big Wank.
He’s really into the vibrations., BTW.
I’m pickin’ up good vibrations
Not doin’ the masturbations (oom bop bop)
I’m pickin’ up good vibrations (good vibrations, oom bop bop)
Not doin’ the masturbations (masturbations, oom bop bop)
Good, good, good, good vibrations (oom bop bop)
Not givin’ me excitations (excitations, oom bop bop)
Good, good, good, good vibrations (oom bop bop)
Not givin’ me excitations (excitations)
Oh, and one final thing that’s very important for all of us to know is that he is NOT into cuckold porn. Definitely not, no way!
Who could have ever guessed that a cryptocurrency obsessive would have weird opinions on other subjects?
Oh yeah, everybody.
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Is this #NoNutNovember in any way connected to Movember?
Mr. Medici also seems weirdly obsessed with hair.
Though I do give him props for being the first semen retainer to actually advocate sex and giving women orgasms, even if it’s for all the wrong reasons.
“They don’t teach this”
Yeah, because it sounds like new age pseudoscience bunk, you stale church wafer.
Great. Now I have Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch stuck in my head.
Anyway, there’s probably an essay to be written here about how the erm, leaking of semen retention is a natural endpoint (Or maybe middlepoint?) of the wellness fad that’s taken hold over the last couple of decades.
As has been covered elsewhere, the wellness phrase has been pushed by the interests of the wealthy because it tricks the little people into believing that well being is all a matter of individual choices and correct consumption.
At the beginning of this, the wellness advice was straightforward and sensible. Stay hydrated. Get 8 hours of sleep. Exercise. Don’t smoke. But of course, that advice was not sufficient to keep people healthy and happy. Because wellness behaviors don’t fix systemic issues like wealth inequality, wage stagnation, student loan debt, and rising costs of healthcare and housing.
So the demands of wellness become more and absurd. Because better for capitalism to force wellness consumption on us than change the system to spread the wealth around a bit, right? So all these crackpot solutions to the suckiness that is life in late stage capitalism start cropping up. Like semen retention. Or jade eggs to stuff in the vagina. Those two things may be pushed by very different types of people – Reddit weirdos vs. Gwenyth Paltrow – but I think it’s all kind of interrelated.
Ok. Enough of this. It’s Friday. Time to get some wine and pizza and see what horror movies are on the streaming services.
Oh for fuck’s sake, dude, just masturbate already. Get it out of your system so you can think…and improve your grammar, punctuation, and syntax. Your ill-written, even-worse-thought-out drivel is hurting my eyes.
“Feel the vibration”
Dude, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t keep your Prostate Bullet™ running 24/7, just saying
I was just figuring English wasn’t his primary language.
It’s like woo bingo.
The whole idea that porn and masturbation makes you think about sex more has never made sense to me. One of the main reasons I masturbate is to stop thinking about sex.
So, #nonutnovember is currently trending on Twitter.
OK, sure, if you can first recommend a good choice of battery-powered butt toy.
Hello?
Mr. de Medici?
Huh. I wonder where he went in such a hurry?
@WWTH
I’m kind of surprised this is so popular. You’d think most people wouldn’t want to stop masturbating for a month.
@Surplus
I do find it a little funny how obsessed these people are with vibration, seeing as vibration is usually associated with sex toys.
I don’t have any good toy recommendations, as I currently don’t own any so I don’t have any to recommend.
I wish people would stop spreading misinformation. The real purpose of sex is exchanging long protein strings.
If you’re ‘whacking the mole,’ I think you might be doing it wrong. So painfully, painfully, painfully wrong.
I watched part of Dr. Strangelove last night and it wasn’t that funny anymore. So thanks for that, nofappers.
I do think it’s very amusing that these nofap dudes think that retaining semen is somehow different than retaining mucus, tears, or any other bodily fluid that the body no longer has use for.
Guys! Semen is not magic and “retaining” it will not magically recall the worst parts of patriarchy.
@Hambeast
Maybe someone should go to the Semen Retention subreddit and, um, enlighten them to the revelation of snot retention. I wonder how many would buy it.
I wonder if they’ve already been practicing something like this with their bowels. I mean, look how full of crap they are.
My favorite part about SR is the field reports where they describe the effects of all their magic powers, which they apparently manifested after three days without “release.”
Like three days is some sort of manly accomplishment that the sheeple could never pull off, which is why they don’t know about the wonders of SR.
When I was much younger I used to, occasionally, see how long I could go without. I know I got over four weeks, I don’t recall if I quite made it to eight weeks. Even four weeks surprised me, considering how often I tended to masturbate (I was a tad hyper-sexual).
I don’t recall any magic powers ever manifesting though.
I once went a year and a half! To be fair I was in a strange place mentally. Like super high and manic all the time. It was a weird 18 months. Now I have found veganism turbocharged my libido. I feel this aspect of going plant-based should be more widely know 😀
@ varalys
Science!
https://www.livekindly.co/science-erections-500-better-vegan-diet/
TMI Warning:
My story is rather the opposite of Jesalin’s. I’ve never really been into masturbating. I’m not asexual, I just never have time and don’t really feel any urge. I’m probably a decent test case to prove that it doesn’t give you superpowers, as I still don’t have superpowers, and I can’t remember the last time I masturbated and haven’t had sex in over a year.
Um, I kinda think I know what he might be on about with all the “vibrations” shit. He might have whatever I’ve got. For years I have felt like I have a low level current running through me, or that I’m vibrating all the time. I’ve sometimes wondered if it could be some precursor of Parkinson’s, but doctors never take it seriously (because they don’t have any answers, probably). I’m so acclimated to it that I don’t much notice anymore unless I pay attention.
But every once in awhile it stops, like someone threw a switch, and for a blissful 10 to 20 seconds everything is so quiet, like the sudden silence when the power goes out at work and the white noise of the HVAC and computers suddenly stops. And then I can feel the motor revving up again until it’s back to “normal.”
When my doctor put me on a drug for something else, the initial dosage made me buzz like I was made of bees. I couldn’t take being aware of it all the time (it was exhausting), so we had to cut it back to a quarter of the dose to return to ignorable levels. :/
I don’t like it. Lord Tulips apparently does. If masturbating could make it stop, I’d have my hand in my pants all day.
I tried abstaining from masturbating for a month once. Just to see what, if anything, would happen.
Did I feel happier, more confident, more fulfilled, etc.? No.
Did I become smarter (i.e… a faster reader, better at retaining information, etc.)? No.
Did I become more masculine (i.e… grow bigger muscles, grow more body hair, etc.)? No.
Did I work out more intensely in the gym? No.
Did I get better at picking up women? No.
Did I gain superpowers such as telepathy, telekinesis, etc.? No.
The only effect it did yield on me, as far as I could ascertain, was to make me really, really want to masturbate whenever I was not wholly absorbed in some other activity. Apart from that, I was just the same old person I always had been.
I do not intend to try abstaining again.
@ Prith kDar
Parkie here. I know we shouldn’t really try internet diagnosing here, so please don’t treat what I’m about to say as actual diagnosis, but as a question to ask your doctor.
If Parkinson’s disease or the closely related condition Parkinsonism have been ruled out, have you asked about the condition called essential tremor?
Hope you get to the bottom of whatever ails you.
Apropos of the NoFap thing, we occasionally get those scam emails to various work accounts about “I caught you masturbating”. The latest one explicitly mentions NoFap and tells the recipient to search for it. I include quotes for your amusement: