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Women are sexual vampires who want to steal your energies (and your sperm), Reddit NoFapper warns his fellow non-wankers

This one’s clearly up to no good

By David Futrelle

The Semen Retention subreddit is a place of magic and wonder. That is, many of its inhabitants believe that the simple non-activity of not masturbating for an extended length of time gives them literal magic power. As for the wonder, well, I wonder just what it is they’re smoking.

Semen retainers, or at least a lot of them, believe that their militant non-wanking allows them to build up a vast amount of physical and psychic energy that makes them magnetically irresistible, “aligns [their] spirit with the Tao,” and even allows them to “bend reality” with their mind.

But this newfound energy brings not only joy but also real danger — from those who sense their new power and try to steal their lucky charms. Semen Retainers regularly warn their fellow non-wankers about the dangers of female “energy vampires” eager to drain their energies along with their balls.

“In a fertile state,” a semen-retaining Redditor called salinorum wrote,

women turn into a form of energetic leach in which the a woman is looking to withdraw the vital seminal fluid of a man for the purposes of reproduction.

That is possibly the least sexy sentence ever written in the English language. Somehow I doubt this guy is going to get Penthouse to publish any of his letters any time soon.

Of course not all woman want to get pregnant when they are fertile, at least consciously. But their sexual hardwiring kicks in and results in a subconscious desire to have sex with the most fit man possible. I’ve realized women are very dangerous during their fertile period, almost like a vampire or leach. Rather than thirsting for your blood, they want your good seed.

He then told a harrowing tale about some woman who, he thinks, wanted to hook up with him for his magic sperm.

I realized the power of a woman during this full moon. A woman who lives in a separate apartment in the same house as mine, kept coming around to my apartment these past couple days looking for me to initiate a hook up. I could tell she was very fertile, because likewise, a man is also attuned to a woman’s sexual fitness. All men are most attracted to women at their peak fertile period. The woman’s lips become redder, her skin glows, her pheromones are probably full blast, and she looks her absolute best versus all other stages of her ovulatory cycle.

So this woman kept coming around my apartment waiting for me to initiate.

Apparently female energy vampires, despite their hunger for sexual energy, are too shy to actually ask men if they want to fuck.

He drew the obvious lesson from this terrifying experience involving a women who talked to him a couple of times when he was very horny.

So my fellow SR brethren, be warned of women who attempt to steal your essence and seed. Your power and mental clarity is diminished in each sexual act you perform with her whether it occurs in the sheets or merely in your head. … I think I understand the term succubus better now than ever.

But women don’t just want your, er, seed, he warned his fellow non-masturbators. They want your psychic energy as well!

[W]oman are reading both your sexual and spiritual indicators which are likely communicated in your magnetic / auric field. Thus when a woman attempts to lure your sexual or mental attention towards her, she is literally withdrawing energy from both your spiritual and physical body. …

And although perhaps women are not consciously aware of their talent at reading indicators of men’s physical and spiritual fitness, it is still a language in which all women are highly attuned. Once more, choose who you give attention to wisely for there is a literal energetic extrication occurring on both the mental and physical planes!

Damn, ladies! What gives? I didn’t know any of this stuff.

I’m putting tinfoil over my junk just in case.

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Bina
1 year ago

Repeat after me, fellas:

SORE BALLS ARE NOT A SUPERPOWER.

Cheesynougats
Cheesynougats
1 year ago

So you’re telling me all those days of being kicked in the nadgers was a waste of time?

Aron
Aron
1 year ago

Wut?

Mexican Hot Chocolate
Mexican Hot Chocolate
1 year ago

So is there an anti-Penthouse magazine that no-fappers write into? Dear Anti-Penthouse, You’ll never believe what happened to me today. The statuesque blonde who lives in my building came around wearing nothing but a silk robe and a smile, looking for a good time. I bravely resisted the urge to fuck her and then, after she left, bravely resisted the urge to masturbate to sexual fantasies about her. I believe I’ll soon become an Ascended Master at the Gold Premium Diamond Plus Level.

Yours,
Aching Blue Balls

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

Women have tiny iron particles naturally embedded in their inner ears. When a man’s magnetic field passes by, this induces minuscule electric currents in the woman’s cochleae, which allows her to detect his sexual potency. This is just science.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

I sincerely think this man is confused about the difference between a vampire and a succubus, and if someone is “trying to get them to fuck you” vs. “Maybe just thought you were nice and wanted to hang out” or “Just came over for a cup of sugar”.

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
1 year ago

For dark reasons of its own, my brain is now insisting I stay up late and compose a filk called “NoFap” to the tune of the B-52s’ “Love Shack”… must… resist…

🎵The NoFap is a dreary place
Where we can rant and blather
NoFap bayy-yay-bee…🎶

D’oh!

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

I’ve realized women are very dangerous during their fertile period, almost like a vampire or leach.

I know about the danger of vampires, but what’s dangerous about leeches? If a leech takes a shine to you, it’ll squick you out a bit, and the bite might itch afterwards, but it’s rarely harmful.

Lizzie
Lizzie
1 year ago

So, Moggie, am interested to learn about the iron particles in my inner ears, do you think that when I am touching my earrings during the day that I am maybe unconsciously tuning my receptors ?? Am unclear on the science here. And would bigger earrings work better? Enquiringly minds want to know! Thank you in advance

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

I’m sure there’s a “Vampires need to be invited to come inside” joke to be had here somehow.

On a different and O/T topic, but in lieu of an open thread, may I ask for title help again?

This time it’s for an article about Whistleblowers; and the legal protections for them.

Ta.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

The semen retainers get even cultier.

@Alan Robertshaw
Some ideas:
Blow the whistle without getting blown up
Get the word out and stay out of trouble
Stay on your feet after you tweet

Also, possible TMI question:
Do cis men actually get testicular pain if they don’t ejaculate for long periods of time? I’m AMAB and have testicles, but somehow have never had this problem. Is there something unusual about that?

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

Five bucks says the woman coming around his apartment was the landlord, looking for last month’s rent.

Once more, choose who you give attention to wisely for there is a literal energetic extrication occurring on both the mental and physical planes!

Why doesn’t this apply to men, though? Surely men are out there seeking attention, and looking to drain a little of that sweet mystical Rosicrucian nofap ley line energy for themselves.

David J
David J
1 year ago

@Naglfar

Blueballs are mostly metaphorical.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@David J
Ah. That makes much more sense.

QuantumInc
QuantumInc
1 year ago

I am reminded of the “fake geek girl” panic of many years ago. They didn’t use the word vampire, but they took the phrase “She feeds off attention” way too literally. I understand that an insecure guy will feel emotionally drained after meeting an attractive woman. This just makes it clear they are trying to rationalize their insecurity and neurosis in a way that blames the woman for their feelings.

ObSidJag
ObSidJag
1 year ago

it is still a language in which all women are highly attuned

Oh, really, Mr. Braintrust? That will certainly come as a surprise to my vehemently lesbian partner, to say nothing of the asexual women out there, but, then, what can one expect from the Encyclopedia Britannica: Ass-Facts Volume?

@BQS:
“drain a little of that sweet mystical Rosicrucian nofap ley line energy for themselves.”
What can I say but wow–once again, Buttercup for the win (but, then, she always was my favorite Powerbuff Girl).

galanx
galanx
1 year ago

“I know about the danger of vampires, but what’s dangerous about leeches? If a leech takes a shine to you, it’ll squick you out a bit, and the bite might itch afterwards, but it’s rarely harmful.”
It’s possible that the poster meant “lich”, a sorcerer too powerful to die who controls other undead.
No, sorry, looking at the original it’s probably just a misspelling of leech.

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
1 year ago

Do cis men actually get testicular pain if they don’t ejaculate for long periods of time?

Hardly, since semen is stored in the prostate and not testicles. The usual wisdom seems to be that extended abstinence gives you spontaneous ejaculations, if you’re not getting those otherwise. I think sperm might also leak out gradually, mixed with urine or something?

Blueballs are mostly metaphorical.

It’s not even recognized in my culture, but I thought English “blue balls” refers to this weird passing frustrated feeling when you’re sexually very exited for a while and then can’t ejaculate? It’s not pain and it’s not really located in the balls. I suppose some men might suffer from a painful prolonged erection, which might or might not release after ejaculation.

WMDKitty
WMDKitty
1 year ago

So, uh… morbid curiosity compels me, and I apologize in advance to everyone who never wanted to think about any of this in any level of detail.

How do these blokes feel about nocturnal emissions and sexy dreams?

Dalaila
Dalaila
1 year ago

“Blue balls” refers to prostate pain after a prolonged period of not ejaculating. I guess it feels like it’s in your balls? However it does not affect all men/amabs.
A friend decided to edge for a week, & after 5 days was in so much pain he couldn’t continue. My partner, on the other hand, can routinely go a week of edging without any pain.

dust bunny
dust bunny
1 year ago

re: sore balls

My ex was opposed to getting a vasectomy on the basis that there’s a low risk the testicled person’s anatomy doesn’t adapt to not being able to expel the produced sperm due to the vas being blocked and chronic, possibly untreatable pain may develop. I looked it up and it seemed legitimate. Wikipedia or some such source I saw says it usually but not always goes away with time or, if necessary, with a reversal of the vasectomy. Still, a low risk of a low risk of chronic pain was unacceptable to him.

So it’s not entirely a myth that testicles can get sore if sperm doesn’t get out of them. Idk if this is has been documented to ever happen just from not ejaculating, though.

ImNotOriginal
ImNotOriginal
1 year ago

“Thus when a woman attempts to lure your sexual or mental attention towards her, she is literally withdrawing energy from both your spiritual and physical body. …“

As a man…Sign me right up.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@Alan, how about “Whistle while you work for the future”? See how down with the kids I am, referencing a song from 1937?

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@Lizzie:

So, Moggie, am interested to learn about the iron particles in my inner ears, do you think that when I am touching my earrings during the day that I am maybe unconsciously tuning my receptors ?? Am unclear on the science here. And would bigger earrings work better? Enquiringly minds want to know! Thank you in advance

Those are excellent questions! This needs further research. Could you put together a grant proposal? I’ll need to be principal investigator, of course, as a man.

Data point: Anita Sarkeesian wears huge earrings. I don’t know what this means, but it must mean something.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

@ naglfar and moggie

Thank you!

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Moggie

Anita Sarkeesian wears huge earrings. I don’t know what this means, but it must mean something.

Time to try my hand at manosphere logicking!

Anita Sarkeesian wears giant earrings. Angry misogynists on the Internet hate her. Therefore, the earrings have tuned the iron particles to reverse and create feedback that causes men to remotely hate her.

comment image

@WMDKitty

How do these blokes feel about nocturnal emissions and sexy dreams?

I don’t know, but I would imagine they blame them on the sexy, sexy ladies vampires of the world.

Crip Dyke
1 year ago

women turn into a form of energetic leach

I think this writer doesn’t know the difference between “leech” and “leach”, much less

“an energy leech” (much less “an enervating leech”)

and
“an energetic leach”.

Sheila Crosby
1 year ago

@Alan
My first thought was, “Anyone Can Whistle” but I don’t think the song’s well known enough for it to work.

“Whistling in the Dark”?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
1 year ago

@ shiela

It’s gone in with “Whistle(blow) While You Work“; but ultimately I leave it to the editors.

But thank you for the suggestion! I have a couple more articles I need to get done; so I’ll be picking everyone’s brains again soon.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

@ObSidJag – Thanks! 🙂 She’s my favorite, too.

[W]oman are reading both your sexual and spiritual indicators which are likely communicated in your magnetic / auric field.

Whenever there’s a solar storm, you can tell who’s nofap. It’s the guys with miniature auroras pulsing over their heads.

They walk around anxiously hoarding their energy and guarding it from thieves, like dragons coiled around their gold. But any creative accomplishment, whether it’s business, art, or a relationship, requires generosity of spirit and giving of oneself freely. What great things do they hope to achieve while hugging themselves tightly and hissing “Stay back! It’s oursssss!” at everyone they encounter?

Catalpa
Catalpa
1 year ago

I’m mainly concerned about how the no-fappers seem to think that all women are lusting after them and tempting them, and how closely this mirrors the “she was asking for it, just look at what was wearing/how she spoke to me/where she was existing etc.” rhetoric.

gijoel
gijoel
1 year ago

Reminds me of this

https://youtu.be/hvQq_tqB0jA

Seraph4377
Seraph4377
1 year ago

@ Naglfar – genitals of all kinds can suffer an uncomfortable pressure from being aroused for a long time without having an orgasm. “Arousal” is a result of increased blood flow to the area, after all.

James Hutchings
James Hutchings
1 year ago

@Cheesynougats:

The point was the friends we made along the way.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

@Buttercup:

Whenever there’s a solar storm, you can tell who’s nofap. It’s the guys with miniature auroras pulsing over their heads.

Also, balloons stick to them.

They walk around anxiously hoarding their energy and guarding it from thieves, like dragons coiled around their gold. But any creative accomplishment, whether it’s business, art, or a relationship, requires generosity of spirit and giving of oneself freely. What great things do they hope to achieve while hugging themselves tightly and hissing “Stay back! It’s oursssss!” at everyone they encounter?

They’ve learnt from capitalism.

Gaebolga
Gaebolga
1 year ago

Dave wrote:

I’m putting tinfoil over my junk just in case.

So, a tinfoil jimmy hat?

Jennifer Redmond
1 year ago

Once upon a time this viewpoint was so widespread it launched a fad, first in novels, then films: the “vamp”. It’s also closely tied with eugenics. If you’re interested – and the history is fascinating – “Evil Sisters: The Threat of Female Sexuality in Twentieth-Century Culture” by Bram Dijkstra dives deep into this.

sarah_kay_gee
sarah_kay_gee
1 year ago

I’m starting a petition to add this kind of “energy vampire” to the next season of What We Do In the Shadows. Think of the wacky hijinks potential.

Katamount
1 year ago

…isn’t this just the folklore attached to succubi? That they take advantage of men while they sleep? I mean, if we’re going with”legendary creatures are real, yo!”, I hope they do the penanggalan next. That one’s always been my favourite in terms of sheer body horror (don’t Google it if you’re squeamish). Banshees are neat too.

Katamount
1 year ago

…isn’t this just the folklore attached to succubi? That they take advantage of men while they sleep? I mean, if we’re going with”legendary creatures are real, yo!”, I hope they do the penanggalan next. That one’s always been my favourite in terms of sheer body horror (don’t Google it if you’re squeamish). Banshees are neat too.

(apologies if this double-posts)

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
1 year ago

comment image

Plagued by vampires? Eat more garlic, maybe. Also, I read “semen retention” as “semen retribution,” which makes as much sense as reality-bending Taoist sperm powers.

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

I wonder if we’ll get any semen retaining trolls. At the very least, they’ll be more entertaining than the hit and run Peterson stans.

Allandrel
Allandrel
1 year ago

@Katamount

There’s a penangalan in the miniatures game Malifaux. People have had a lot of fun with painting the model, trying out different methods to get the best texture, wetness look, and appearance of various fluids.

Shadowplay
1 year ago

@Alan

“You were only supposed to blow the bloody lid off.”

@Naglfar

“…the hit and run Peterson stans.”

I read that as stains and thought “How appropriate.”

Talonknife
Talonknife
1 year ago

These guys realize they involuntary ejaculate in their sleep, right? How does that affect their ideology?

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

@Sheila Crosby:
You know, They Might Be Giants’ “Whistling in the Dark” would be more appropriate to the NoFappers than to Alan:

A woman came up to me and said
“I’d like to poison your mind
With wrong ideas that appeal to you
Though I am not unkind.”
[…]

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

@Talonknife
The vampires have invaded their sleep and are stealing their precious bodily fluids!

Victorious Parasol
1 year ago

If their “arguments” were persuasive, they wouldn’t need to keep repeating them so frequently.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
1 year ago

That post resonate darkly within me due to the number of time I wondered if someone was trying to express interest or if I was imagining things.

I guess the upside is that he didn’t rape her.

Pie
Pie
1 year ago

@Talonknife

These guys realize they involuntary ejaculate in their sleep, right?

Maybe they stick a cork in it. CHECKMATE, FEMINISTS.

If they _don’t_ actually stick a cork in it, maybe someone should surreptitiously suggest such a thing on their subreddit. Turns out there are a range of “suitable” commercial products already!