By David Futrelle
Hey ladies of the cis persuasion, don’t you just love it when some dude on a date with you leans in close and, in his sexiest voice, says, “hey babe, I know your deepest, darkest sexy secret: You love to vacuum your apartment when you’re ovulating.”
This scenario comes to you from an old (very old) AskMen post by actual professional “dating coach” David DeAngelo that I ran across today. It’s a masterpiece of inadvertent humor, offering some of the worst dating advice I’ve ever seen, of which the weird and completely incorrect claim about ovulation vacuuming is only the cherry on top of a huge crap sundae.
DeAngelo’s listicle purports to offer ten tips on how to “flirt with a woman sexually,” but the vast majority of his suggestions are variations on one central theme: throw blatant sexual innuendo into the conversation at every possible opportunity and even some impossible ones.
The English language is literally packed with words you can twist around to create sexual meanings. Wet, juicy, hard, fast, hot — the possibilities are endless. For example, if she says her drink is big, you can reply with something like: “Big can be a good thing, don’t you think?”
But you don’t need to wait for a woman to use some sexy double-entendre-ready word in order to get the sexy innuendo going. Even a cup of tea can be enough.
[L]et’s say you get a woman a cup of tea; you can follow up by saying: “Looks like you’re on the receiving end today. Do you always receive or do you like to give at times too?” Crack a slight smile and she will know exactly what you are talking about.
It’s like talking to someone who responds to every single thing you say with “that’s what she said.”
While DeAngelo warns would-be pickup artists to model themselves on James Bond, not Austin Powers, a lot of his suggestions would make you sound more than a little like the Mike Meyers character, minus the fake accent (unless you’re doing that too, which is also not recommended).
One of the best ways to get the fun started is to accuse a woman of trying to seduce you. For example, if she mentions something about her house, such as: … “Do you know how to install a wireless router?” you should say: “Wow, you are trying to get me to come over to your house already?” … Women love it when you do this. Don’t be surprised if she really does try to get you to come over soon after.
Or, as Austin Powers would put it “oh, behave!”
You can also turn practically anything she says about you that’s even vaguely positive into an excuse to brag about how good you allegedly are at fucking.
Women want men who know how to please them, but you can’t come right out and say: “I’m a great lover.” Instead, use sexual innuendo to indirectly convey this message. For example, say you are at your place making a drink for a woman and she says: “Wow, you’re good at that.” Look her square in the eye and say: “I’m good at a lot of things.”
She’ll get the hint that you’re a stud and be dying to find out more.
OK, this one might possibly work. But only if were pretty clear already that she was way into you. And if you did the eyebrow thing like Pooh up there while putting on your dopiest smirk.
But the strangest bit of advice in the whole list still has to be tip #2,
“Let her know you know,” aka “The ovulation thing”
Take it away, David DeAngelo you big weirdo:
Want to know a secret about female sexuality that 99% of men don’t know? Here it is: Many women feel compelled to vacuum their house when they’re ovulating.
Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to “clean the nest” before laying her “egg.”
So, when a woman tells you she is vacuuming, say: “Vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something?” She’ll be stunned that you know this and wonder what else you know about female sexuality.
She’ll be stunned alright, but not for the reason you think, buddy.
Of course, if she doesn’t know what you mean, fill her in. Women love it when you teach them something new — especially about themselves.
Just in case there are any aspiring pickup artists reading this post, who don’t understand why this is so wrong, wrong, wrong, here are three reasons why you should not tell women they’re secretly compelled to vacuum when they’re ovulating.
- Contrary to DeAngelo’s claim, no woman wants to hear some “secret” you “know” about the way her body works.
- Ovulation is not really a “sexy” topic so much as a “creepy” one to bring up unbidden on a first date.
- And, oh yeah, because IT’S NOT TRUE JESUS CHRIST THERE IS NO RELATION BETWEEN OVULATION AND VACUUMING WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
And you don’t have to take my word for it. One of the perks of doing this blog is that whenever I run across some particularly egregious misunderstanding of human reproduction I can run it past world-famous vagina expert Dr. Jen Gunter — author of the bestselling The Vagina Bible — and she will actually get back to me.
Here’s what she had to say in response to DeAngelo’s Tip #2:
I have no words. That is stupid. It is a sophomoric fantasy of a hot, horny, housewife. …
That can only be from someone who has a kindergarten level understanding of human reproduction.
Hey, that’s what she said!
H/T — r/BadWomensAnatomy
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