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Dating coach David DeAngelo: Ovulation compels women to vacuum their apartments

Oh yeah, she’s ovulating

By David Futrelle

Hey ladies of the cis persuasion, don’t you just love it when some dude on a date with you leans in close and, in his sexiest voice, says, “hey babe, I know your deepest, darkest sexy secret: You love to vacuum your apartment when you’re ovulating.”

This scenario comes to you from an old (very old) AskMen post by actual professional “dating coach” David DeAngelo that I ran across today. It’s a masterpiece of inadvertent humor, offering some of the worst dating advice I’ve ever seen, of which the weird and completely incorrect claim about ovulation vacuuming is only the cherry on top of a huge crap sundae.

DeAngelo’s listicle purports to offer ten tips on how to “flirt with a woman sexually,” but the vast majority of his suggestions are variations on one central theme: throw blatant sexual innuendo into the conversation at every possible opportunity and even some impossible ones.

The English language is literally packed with words you can twist around to create sexual meanings. Wet, juicy, hard, fast, hot — the possibilities are endless. For example, if she says her drink is big, you can reply with something like: “Big can be a good thing, don’t you think?”

SUBTLE, DUDE.

But you don’t need to wait for a woman to use some sexy double-entendre-ready word in order to get the sexy innuendo going. Even a cup of tea can be enough.

[L]et’s say you get a woman a cup of tea; you can follow up by saying: “Looks like you’re on the receiving end today. Do you always receive or do you like to give at times too?” Crack a slight smile and she will know exactly what you are talking about.

It’s like talking to someone who responds to every single thing you say with “that’s what she said.”

While DeAngelo warns would-be pickup artists to model themselves on James Bond, not Austin Powers, a lot of his suggestions would make you sound more than a little like the Mike Meyers character, minus the fake accent (unless you’re doing that too, which is also not recommended).

One of the best ways to get the fun started is to accuse a woman of trying to seduce you. For example, if she mentions something about her house, such as: … “Do you know how to install a wireless router?” you should say: “Wow, you are trying to get me to come over to your house already?” … Women love it when you do this. Don’t be surprised if she really does try to get you to come over soon after.

Or, as Austin Powers would put it “oh, behave!”

You can also turn practically anything she says about you that’s even vaguely positive into an excuse to brag about how good you allegedly are at fucking.

Women want men who know how to please them, but you can’t come right out and say: “I’m a great lover.” Instead, use sexual innuendo to indirectly convey this message. For example, say you are at your place making a drink for a woman and she says: “Wow, you’re good at that.” Look her square in the eye and say: “I’m good at a lot of things.”

She’ll get the hint that you’re a stud and be dying to find out more.

OK, this one might possibly work. But only if were pretty clear already that she was way into you. And if you did the eyebrow thing like Pooh up there while putting on your dopiest smirk.

But the strangest bit of advice in the whole list still has to be tip #2,
“Let her know you know,” aka “The ovulation thing”

Take it away, David DeAngelo you big weirdo:

Want to know a secret about female sexuality that 99% of men don’t know? Here it is: Many women feel compelled to vacuum their house when they’re ovulating.

Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to “clean the nest” before laying her “egg.”

So, when a woman tells you she is vacuuming, say: “Vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something?” She’ll be stunned that you know this and wonder what else you know about female sexuality.

She’ll be stunned alright, but not for the reason you think, buddy.

Of course, if she doesn’t know what you mean, fill her in. Women love it when you teach them something new — especially about themselves.

Just in case there are any aspiring pickup artists reading this post, who don’t understand why this is so wrong, wrong, wrong, here are three reasons why you should not tell women they’re secretly compelled to vacuum when they’re ovulating.

  1. Contrary to DeAngelo’s claim, no woman wants to hear some “secret” you “know” about the way her body works.
  2. Ovulation is not really a “sexy” topic so much as a “creepy” one to bring up unbidden on a first date.
  3. And, oh yeah, because IT’S NOT TRUE JESUS CHRIST THERE IS NO RELATION BETWEEN OVULATION AND VACUUMING WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

And you don’t have to take my word for it. One of the perks of doing this blog is that whenever I run across some particularly egregious misunderstanding of human reproduction I can run it past world-famous vagina expert Dr. Jen Gunter — author of the bestselling The Vagina Bible — and she will actually get back to me.

Here’s what she had to say in response to DeAngelo’s Tip #2:

I have no words. That is stupid. It is a sophomoric fantasy of a hot, horny, housewife. …

That can only be from someone who has a kindergarten level understanding of human reproduction.

Hey, that’s what she said!

H/T — r/BadWomensAnatomy

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

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Naglfar
Naglfar
10 months ago

Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to “clean the nest” before laying her “egg.”

Umm…he does know that humans don’t lay eggs in nests, right?

I hope he also knows that vacuum cleaners are a pretty recent invention, so it would be very strange if humans had evolved to use them in relation to biological cycles. I hope he doesn’t think that prehistoric women vacuumed up the crumbs of their prehistoric bon bons while waiting for the men to hunt mammoths. /s

IIRC Pickup artists are a bit obsessed with ovulation. I think this could have more to do with them, as a study I saw somewhere (will try to track it down later) found that men find women who are ovulating to be more attractive, so this is possibly a projection of the pickup artists finding ovulating women to be more attractive. Or it could just be an extreme misunderstanding.

Stevie Avebury
Stevie Avebury
10 months ago

I think that the best part is where he says that if she doesn’t understand what the hell you’re talking about with the ovulation thing then you should just mansplain it to her because women just looooove it when you mansplain their body to them!

Naglfar
Naglfar
10 months ago

Found a few relevant studies of men finding ovulating women to be more attractive, including the one I was thinking of originally:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513807000694?via%3Dihub
https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rsbl.2004.0174

I haven’t read the studies and they sound a bit sketchy, so I’m not buying it yet, but if these are true it would demonstrate the inverse of what these PUAs are saying. My guess would be, if the studies are accurate, what’s happening is that the pickup artists find women more attractive when they are ovulating, so they project that onto the women and assume that the women find them more attractive. I don’t know if that is true; but I doubt most women want anything to do with these idiots.

Viscaria
Viscaria
10 months ago

Crack a slight smile and she will know exactly what you are talking about.

Passing birds will know exactly what you are talking about, you master of subtlety.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
10 months ago

For example, say you are at your place making a drink for a woman and she says: “Wow, you’re good at that.”

As one does.

I think he’s confusing ovulatory nesting with the instinct some pregnant women have to go into a flurry of cleaning and organizing in the days/hours before labor. It’s a real phenomenon, but it certainly doesn’t mean that women experience it during their monthly cycle. The egg doesn’t even leave the body during ovulation. Why would it care if the floor is vacuumed?

The only time I have a heightened urge to clean is when I’m sad or anxious and need to do mindless physical chores to take my mind off things.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

For example, if she says her drink is big, you can reply with something like: “Big can be a good thing, don’t you think?”

Dudes, if you’re going to do this, you’d better be packing something to back it up.

comment image

Umm…he does know that humans don’t lay eggs in nests, right?

Wait, when stereotypical 60’s dudes call women “birds” they’re not being literal?

Bina
10 months ago

And here I thought I only cleaned because I hated dirt. Huh.

Genjones
Genjones
10 months ago

I vacuum biweekly, and my menstrual cycle is fairly regular so I’m pretty sure that’s not it

Cyborgette
Cyborgette
10 months ago

I’ll admit I laughed at this post, but TBH the innuendo thing makes my insides squirm even while I’m giggling. It’s the bad faith/plausible deniability aspect: call the guy on it, and he can smoothly deny it, claim you’re reading into his words, and maybe spin it as you having a thing for him.

It’s utterly crass and hamfisted, but IMO it’s still an opening move for gaslighting, and I can’t believe DeAngelo doesn’t understand that on some level.

Naglfar
Naglfar
10 months ago

@Cyborgette

IMO it’s still an opening move for gaslighting, and I can’t believe DeAngelo doesn’t understand that on some level.

I think he understands that fully. Pickup artistry is basically training for psychological abusers, and gaslighting is one way to do that.

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
10 months ago

There’s some evopsych hearsay going around saying that ovulating women are more likely to want sex, or specifically one night stands. IDK if any of it is backed by studies.

Since pick-up artistry has a big cargo cult science aspect, PUAs naturally go around repeating the word “ovulation” at each other and making up rules on how to identify ovulating women.

Lumipuna
Lumipuna
10 months ago

As for nest building, based on my experience with guinea pigs, I now imagine a pregnant woman tearing several bedsheets into large shreds and stuffing them into a closet.

Bakunin
Bakunin
10 months ago

TIL the Prince of Persuasia from Bob’s Burgers is real

Mike
Mike
10 months ago

David, why bother to link to a post more than a decade old??

Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
10 months ago

My gods, these guys actually tell each other that crap works?!?!

No wonder they don’t stop talking like that.

tim gueguen
10 months ago

Apparently you can write a “dating coach” article by lifting lines from old sit coms and third rate Bill Murray movies. I can imagine a scene where Al Bundy is telling Bud how to pick up girls using those kind of lines.

Battering Lamb
Battering Lamb
10 months ago

I just wanted to add that that Kristen Schaal gif is perfection.

Big Titty Demon
Big Titty Demon
10 months ago

I mean to be fair, there is a monthly part of my cycle where I feel more energy and often do cleaning tasks I usually don’t want to do and have been letting go, which may or may not involve vacuuming litter out of hard-to-reach places that my cat can magically get it in.

Also to be fair, it’s the first day of my period, which is like the opposite of ovulation so… I guess my body is compelled to throw small celebrations at the removal of little eggies I didn’t want and don’t need?

@Cyborgette

I am 100% with you on that reading. I can’t decide if it’s just above or just below people who are always “just joking” on the scale of red flag fire warnings about dates.

dust bunny
dust bunny
10 months ago

My ovulations have about as much to do with my sexuality as my periods do, ie. none. For all these guys’ efforts to learn about women, they can’t figure such a simple thing out. Periods and ovulations and other aspects of the cycle are not sexy or about sex to women. There’s almost no connection at all unless they’re trying to conceive or using fertility awareness for contraception.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
10 months ago

The English language is literally packed with words you can twist around to create sexual meanings.

This will be news to his readers. I’ve never known any men to twist my words to try to make them sexual. It’s not true that young men with ants in their pants want to mention sex to young women all the time. This advice, which is in no way tired or trite or sexist, will certainly get some conversations going — if you know what I mean (wink, wink).

Moggie
Moggie
10 months ago

What if she tells you she has a Roomba?

Polly MacDavid
10 months ago

Well, I vacuum every other day with has more to do with owning three cats than ovulating, which I don’t do anymore since I had a full hysterectomy 10 years ago. But men have such silly ideas about everything.

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
10 months ago

These suggestions are so pathetic and sub-Austin-Powers-y, so mouldy-cheesy, my first thought was – this has to be some kind of joke, a set-up intended to sabotage-the-dumb-MRA/PUA.

But it’s intended as genuine advice (the mind boggles). Pre-pubescent levels of innuendo? Mansplaining ovulation with fractal levels of wrong? Surely a contender for the record of fastest-turn-off-ever.

Naglfar
Naglfar
10 months ago

@opposablethumbs

Surely a contender for the record of fastest-turn-off-ever.

A few other possible contenders:
A fedora
Calling someone “m’lady”
Reading PUA sites
Negging
Voting for Republicans
…And people think PUA works. How do these dating gurus explain why their strategies never work? And how does anyone still listen to them?

@Moggie

What if she tells you she has a Roomba?

That reminded me of this SNL parody ad:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=gqesEYUXr78
All joking aside, when I was a kid my family had one of the very early models of Roomba (this was around 2004 or so). It didn’t work very well for cleaning, so my younger sister and I repurposed it by making obstacle courses for it to navigate. A few years ago, I was visiting my parents and happened to look in the basement and found it. I tried to charge it up to see if it would still work, but sadly it was dead as a doornail.

Related: I stumbled across this post on Janelle Shane’s blog, which David has linked to a few times. In this post, she programs a neural network to generate pickup lines. The results don’t make much sense, but are much less misogynistic than actual pickup lines and are somewhat humorous.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
10 months ago

Ovulation doesn’t cause vacuuming. It causes junk science.

@Naglfar

If the method fails, it’s because they didn’t do it right, and/or because women are brainwashed and don’t know what evolution has “programmed” them to want. The point of PUA is to repeatedly test boundaries until they find a target who can’t or won’t push back. If she lets them neg and harass her, chances are she won’t object as the encounter escalates to physical touch, isolation, etc. It’s a numbers game. Fortunately, the numbers are very low, and getting lower as word spreads about these tactics.

I wish sex ed included a unit on spotting abusers.

@Moggie

What if she tells you she has a Roomba?

Then you bounce your eyebrows suggestively and say “Roomba. Room. I hear sexual intercourse takes place in rooms. Do you have a room? Sex.”

Naglfar
Naglfar
10 months ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants

because women are brainwashed and don’t know what evolution has “programmed” them to want.

But…isn’t the point of this evo-psych bullshit that it supposedly can’t be erased? If they are saying women don’t know what evolution has “programmed” them for, aren’t they basically admitting that their evo-psych is wrong?

I wish sex ed included a unit on spotting abusers.

Seconding that idea. In my school district we never had sex ed, and I watched way too many of my friends end up in abusive relationships. This would have been far less likely if there had been a sex ed unit like that (or any sex ed at all).

Moggie
Moggie
10 months ago

@Buttercup:

I wish sex ed included a unit on spotting abusers.

That’d be good, but can you imagine the conservative pearl-clutching?

Then you bounce your eyebrows suggestively and say “Roomba. Room. I hear sexual intercourse takes place in rooms. Do you have a room? Sex.”

comment image

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
10 months ago

@Naglfar

It’s an amazing level of mental gymnastics. Since women are supposedly programmed to want asshole rapists (and it’s just a coinkydink that that happens to dovetail exactly with their own mating strategy), then any woman who doesn’t follow that script is clearly a deviant ruined by feminism. Young straight women are socialized to seek male approval. Lumping them in with “undesirables” sometimes works as a pressure tactic.

I wish I’d been educated earlier about red flags, too. As a teenager I didn’t have the tools or the language to call out manipulation. Instead we learned from movies, books, and magazine articles that it’s romantic when a man just won’t take no for an answer. We were taught that being stalked and groomed meant you were irresistible and therefore powerful. Everything revolved around the man’s urges.

Seems to me the brainwashing goes in the opposite direction to what the PUAs say. You’ve got to be carefully taught to ignore your instincts.

Otrame
Otrame
10 months ago

Well, to be honest, I did find myself on my hands and knees with a paint scraper scraping built up wax out of the corners of my (rented) kitchen once. Considering I was almost three weeks overdo at that point (these days they would never have let me go that long past my due date) it must have been a sight. Just imagine me. To say I was “great with child” was an understatement. And TBH, I’ve never really been the type to worry about immaculate kitchens. I don’t like dirty kitchens, but I don’t need them to be sterile, either. And I had never, before or since, worried about wax build up.

When I realized what I was doing, I sat down and laughed until I literally cried. Because I knew about the pregnant lady nesting thing and I had recently decided that I had always been and always would be pregnant. The un-wax-build-up corners of my kitchen gave me some hope.

Later that night my water broke.

All that said, the impulse to “make a nest” just before you go into labor is not felt by all women and what exactly constitutes “making a nest” will vary quite a bit from woman to woman.

Hambeast
Hambeast
10 months ago

I hate housework and avoid it whenever possible. Anything to do with floor cleaning is what I hate most. The thing that triggers cleaning for me is having company.

So… I guess, according to this dating coach, I only ovulated when company was coming? If only! That would’ve meant that Id’ve had far fewer painful, crampy periods!

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
10 months ago

This reminds me of something my husband told me, about a lecherous former boss of his. At the time, my husband was in college, and had a part-time job in a greasy-spoon type of restaurant. This guy apparently could tell when a woman was menstruating, based on her appearance and behavoir. There was another time when a certain waitress left the room, and he said, “She’s pregnant.” Supposedly, he knew it before she did.

I didn’t bother to argue with my husband about this. Life is too short.

Podkayne Lives
Podkayne Lives
10 months ago

I only wish that ovulation motivated me to vacuum.

Bananananana dakry: Short-Haired, Fat, and Deranged
Bananananana dakry: Short-Haired, Fat, and Deranged
10 months ago

Ovulation only makes me exhausted, sick, and depressed/ twitchy. None of these are conducive to me wanting to vacuum

Moggie
Moggie
10 months ago

It’s really hard to believe that there’s any such link between ovulation and house cleaning, because, as Aristotle said, nature abhors a vacuum.

Fetch
Fetch
10 months ago

how does that lecherous boss think he’s established the accuracy of his intuition? has he gone round asking all the women he thinks are menstruating, to check? has he checked the ones he thinks AREN’T menstruating? I don’t see why his intuition should get credence if he hasn’t done the basics of verification, and if he has, DUDE, DON’T DO THAT.

Not Edward
Not Edward
10 months ago

As Buttercup Q Skullpants says, it can only be a numbers game. As I understand it, another part of the whole PUA thing is to constantly hit on anything and every female with a pulse, and they may think what they are saying is “working” because although 99 times out of 100 they very sensibly get told to “**** off” one time in a hundred they blunder into the one poor sap at such a low point in her life she’ll think “Oh Christ, he’ll have to do” of anyone who asks, no matter what they actually said.
It just seems to me that the whole PUA thing couldn’t sustain itself as it does if none of its practitioners were ever, ever successful in conning some poor woman into doing something she regretted, whilst at the same time every example I have ever seen of it ought in all rationality to be off-putting to pretty much anyone.
I suppose PUA wouldn’t be as attractive to the kind of misogynistic, toxic males with appalling self-esteem problems if the whole thing were: “It doesn’t actually matter what obnoxious rubbish you say, pester large enough numbers of women and someone, somewhere is eventually going to be stupid enough to fall for it.”

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
10 months ago

@Fetch: Those are good questions. This was a long time ago, as in the 1970s. It could be, he DID ask women. Or, maybe they freely volunteered the information. To hear my husband talk, there were some pretty crass people working there. Also, I don’t think there was much awareness of on-the-job sexual harrassment back then.

ObSidJag
ObSidJag
10 months ago

So I guess this is the reason my vacuum cleaner disappeared after I finished menopause?/snark if not obvious.

The concept does, however, remind me of a former roommate: when she was upset or felt like she couldn’t control what was happening in her life, I’d come home from work to find our apartment completely rearranged from how it was when I left.

She called it “dominating her space.” I never minded it all that much as she rarely asked for my help, except to move big furniture (the sofa, bookcases, etc) and pretty much had it all done by the time I got home.

numerobis
numerobis
10 months ago

Buttercup: my sex ed, way back at the end of last millennium, did. Including a pretty well-made short movie of a relationship that slowly over time gets worse, showing what the various warning signs might look like and how subtly abuse can creep up. And some less artful versions with teachers just explaining it.

It helped me get out of a bad spot, to know that what felt shitty and slowly getting worse was in fact not minor. (I wish I’d accepted what I’d already noticed, a couple years sooner, but of course despite all the warnings I kept hoping for change that never came.)

numerobis
numerobis
10 months ago

About vacuums: I don’t. I hate the things worse than my cats do. Instead, I mop.

Given I don’t have ovaries, Fallopian tubes, uterus etc I’m pretty sure I’m not ovulating.

Am I proof?

Curious_Diversions
Curious_Diversions
10 months ago

OP is ABSOLUTELY correct. This is hard (*wink, wink*) fact. It is supported by data indicating that sales of vacuums dropped and companies specializing therein collapsed in association with oral contraceptive use. It is also the reason contractor target women “of a certain age” with advertising. They need to have all of their carpet ripped out (if you know what I mean). /sarcasm (if it wasn’t obvious)

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
10 months ago

Since I have a cleaning service, does that mean when they vacuum I’m ovulating, or are they ovulating? Are do we all ovulate simultaneously?

I’ve never felt personally motivated to vacuum unless my mother was going to visit – maybe her ovulation motivated my vacuuming.

So many questions – if only I had a man to explain it all to me!Being a woman is so hard!

Dvärghundspossen
Dvärghundspossen
10 months ago

I was gonna vacuum the house today, but then I remembered that I’m on the pill so I didn’t.
I’ll try to teach my female dog to do it next time she’s in heat.

Naglfar
Naglfar
10 months ago

@Dvärghundspossen

I’ll try to teach my female dog to do it next time she’s in heat.

My dog is spayed, so that must be why she won’t help with the housework. /s

Katherine the Adequate
Katherine the Adequate
10 months ago

I was in a super duper vacuuming mood Sunday, so I vacuumed my whole house. I also scrubbed the kitchen floor. I’m post menopausal, so how does that fit in the equation? Or did I add floor scrubbing because of my post menopausal status? I wish these experts on all things Lady wouldn’t leave so many gaps in their official research findings.

jefrir
jefrir
10 months ago

A minor issue in all the wrong, but what the hell kind of conversations does he think women are having? I don’t think I’ve ever announced that I’m vacuuming, and I don’t think anyone else has ever told me they were.

Anon-Get-It-On
Anon-Get-It-On
10 months ago

Oh David,

It looks more and more each day that MRA’s would rather hurt women than help men.

Look at how these guys portray Vic Mignogna as a victim.

https://promalecollective.wordpress.com/2019/03/05/support-the-petition-for-vic-mignogna/

But if you research further, it looks like his “case” can’t stand up under the scrutiny of the court of law.

https://www.dallasnews.com/opinion/commentary/2019/10/04/anime-voice-actor-vic-mignogna-loses-big-judge-drops-final-claims-dallas-area-studio-colleagues-defamed/

numerobis
numerobis
10 months ago

Elizabeth: generally (though there are exceptions) if you’re vacuuming for your mom, it’s because your mom ovulated.

Roughly nine months before you were born, plus or minus.

teabug
10 months ago

What compelled this old chicken to vacuum her apartment last time was the cat knocking over the vase she got for Christmas last year shehated but didn’t have the heart to throw away. The cat was rewarded with treats for finally pulling his weight around the house.

Big Titty Demon
Big Titty Demon
10 months ago

@Moggie

I gotta give you props for that one.