Categories
Dunning–Kruger effect men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny PUA vaginas

Dating coach David DeAngelo: Ovulation compels women to vacuum their apartments

Oh yeah, she’s ovulating

By David Futrelle

Hey ladies of the cis persuasion, don’t you just love it when some dude on a date with you leans in close and, in his sexiest voice, says, “hey babe, I know your deepest, darkest sexy secret: You love to vacuum your apartment when you’re ovulating.”

This scenario comes to you from an old (very old) AskMen post by actual professional “dating coach” David DeAngelo that I ran across today. It’s a masterpiece of inadvertent humor, offering some of the worst dating advice I’ve ever seen, of which the weird and completely incorrect claim about ovulation vacuuming is only the cherry on top of a huge crap sundae.

DeAngelo’s listicle purports to offer ten tips on how to “flirt with a woman sexually,” but the vast majority of his suggestions are variations on one central theme: throw blatant sexual innuendo into the conversation at every possible opportunity and even some impossible ones.

The English language is literally packed with words you can twist around to create sexual meanings. Wet, juicy, hard, fast, hot — the possibilities are endless. For example, if she says her drink is big, you can reply with something like: “Big can be a good thing, don’t you think?”

SUBTLE, DUDE.

But you don’t need to wait for a woman to use some sexy double-entendre-ready word in order to get the sexy innuendo going. Even a cup of tea can be enough.

[L]et’s say you get a woman a cup of tea; you can follow up by saying: “Looks like you’re on the receiving end today. Do you always receive or do you like to give at times too?” Crack a slight smile and she will know exactly what you are talking about.

It’s like talking to someone who responds to every single thing you say with “that’s what she said.”

While DeAngelo warns would-be pickup artists to model themselves on James Bond, not Austin Powers, a lot of his suggestions would make you sound more than a little like the Mike Meyers character, minus the fake accent (unless you’re doing that too, which is also not recommended).

One of the best ways to get the fun started is to accuse a woman of trying to seduce you. For example, if she mentions something about her house, such as: … “Do you know how to install a wireless router?” you should say: “Wow, you are trying to get me to come over to your house already?” … Women love it when you do this. Don’t be surprised if she really does try to get you to come over soon after.

Or, as Austin Powers would put it “oh, behave!”

You can also turn practically anything she says about you that’s even vaguely positive into an excuse to brag about how good you allegedly are at fucking.

Women want men who know how to please them, but you can’t come right out and say: “I’m a great lover.” Instead, use sexual innuendo to indirectly convey this message. For example, say you are at your place making a drink for a woman and she says: “Wow, you’re good at that.” Look her square in the eye and say: “I’m good at a lot of things.”

She’ll get the hint that you’re a stud and be dying to find out more.

OK, this one might possibly work. But only if were pretty clear already that she was way into you. And if you did the eyebrow thing like Pooh up there while putting on your dopiest smirk.

But the strangest bit of advice in the whole list still has to be tip #2,
“Let her know you know,” aka “The ovulation thing”

Take it away, David DeAngelo you big weirdo:

Want to know a secret about female sexuality that 99% of men don’t know? Here it is: Many women feel compelled to vacuum their house when they’re ovulating.

Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to “clean the nest” before laying her “egg.”

So, when a woman tells you she is vacuuming, say: “Vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something?” She’ll be stunned that you know this and wonder what else you know about female sexuality.

She’ll be stunned alright, but not for the reason you think, buddy.

Of course, if she doesn’t know what you mean, fill her in. Women love it when you teach them something new — especially about themselves.

Just in case there are any aspiring pickup artists reading this post, who don’t understand why this is so wrong, wrong, wrong, here are three reasons why you should not tell women they’re secretly compelled to vacuum when they’re ovulating.

  1. Contrary to DeAngelo’s claim, no woman wants to hear some “secret” you “know” about the way her body works.
  2. Ovulation is not really a “sexy” topic so much as a “creepy” one to bring up unbidden on a first date.
  3. And, oh yeah, because IT’S NOT TRUE JESUS CHRIST THERE IS NO RELATION BETWEEN OVULATION AND VACUUMING WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

And you don’t have to take my word for it. One of the perks of doing this blog is that whenever I run across some particularly egregious misunderstanding of human reproduction I can run it past world-famous vagina expert Dr. Jen Gunter — author of the bestselling The Vagina Bible — and she will actually get back to me.

Here’s what she had to say in response to DeAngelo’s Tip #2:

I have no words. That is stupid. It is a sophomoric fantasy of a hot, horny, housewife. …

That can only be from someone who has a kindergarten level understanding of human reproduction.

Hey, that’s what she said!

H/T — r/BadWomensAnatomy

Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.

We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

59 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Dvärghundspossen
Dvärghundspossen
10 months ago

A minor issue in all the wrong, but what the hell kind of conversations does he think women are having? I don’t think I’ve ever announced that I’m vacuuming, and I don’t think anyone else has ever told me they were.

I mean, I can see it happening. Suppose I met this dude for some reason, and also for some reason we exchanged numbers. He calls me, and I happen to be in the middle of vacuuming. He asks causally what I’m doing, and I go
– Ugh, I’m actually vacuuming everything… It’s so boring but there’s dog hair everywhere and sooner or later you gotta do it, you know…
– YOU MUST BE OVULATING! Behold my vast knowledge of the female body!
Me: * Hang up, throw my phone away and get a different phone number *

AsAboveSoBelow
AsAboveSoBelow
10 months ago

“Passing birds will know exactly what you are talking about, you master of subtlety.”

If DeAngelo was a bird, he’d be exactly this subtle:

Naglfar
Naglfar
10 months ago

@Moggie
My dog abhors a vacuum. She gets very upset whenever I use my mini vacuum. Oddly, she doesn’t mind the extremely loud big vacuum, but she hates the mini vacuum and attacks it whenever I use it.

Moggie
Moggie
10 months ago

@Naglfar, maybe the mini vacuum has a different ultrasonic profile?

@AsAboveSoBelow, I’d like to see David Attenborough quietly describing that bird.

Nequam
Nequam
10 months ago

That bird would make a hell of a ringtone.

Bluecat
Bluecat
10 months ago

As for nest building, based on my experience with guinea pigs, I now imagine a pregnant woman tearing several bedsheets into large shreds and stuffing them into a closet.

That’s what I call that “putting away the laundry”.

Mind you, it’s a good nine years since I ovulated – must be why my floors are so messy. No, actually, they always were messy: I’d rather read than vacuum.

I don’t know whether the OP is a deep spoof, or someone so far removed from real conversations with actually existing women that he imagines we talk constantly about the size of drinks, items of hardware we possess and when we vacuum, or just a plain scam artist.

Is there money in it, I wonder?

Oksana
Oksana
10 months ago

When I had my daughter I didn’t do any of that nesting stuff (was too impatient to no longer be pregnant to care about anything else). But you know who did? Daddio. The guy felt it was suddenly very important all of a sudden that we have all of our outlets covered and driveway cracks resealed. You know, for that bag of potatoes neonate that is crawling around sticking their fingers in outlets or riding their bike out on the driveway.

Thalia
Thalia
10 months ago

I would a million times rather go out with Austin Powers than James Bond! He’s much more fun.

And I never, ever, ever feel the urge to vacuum, no matter what’s going on in my ovaries at the time.

rv97
10 months ago

How about we ban the entire PUA thing and class it as pseudoscience?