
By David Futrelle
So here’s a strange little screenshot that’s made the rounds online offering, well, a rather curious interpretation of the story of Adan and Eve and that sneaky, sneaky snake.

Think outside the box indeed!
But if the fact that a snake’s mouth looking sort of like a vulva means that women themselves are sneaky snakes, then what should we male of all these other things that also look sort of like a vulva?
Like this tangerine?

This piece of toast?

This jar of peanut butter?

This Georgia O’Keefe painting?

This hairdo?

This grapefruit?

This extremely slutty tree?

Or — and I’m sorry I have to expose you to this — Donald Trump’s neck wattle?

Does this mean that women are peanut-buttery-tangerine-flake-toasty-grapefruit-Trumpian-neck-wattle-hairdo-paintings that live in the forest?
Because if so I may need to totally rethink this blog.
H/T — r/badwomensanatomy, where I found the original screenshot
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In answer to your title, yes. Yes we are.
What about this coconut?
The story behind it is rather funny. The coco de mer is indigenous to the Seychelles. When European explorers went to the Seychelles in the mid-1700s, they discovered the tree on which the coco de mer grows and believed that, due to its resemblance of a crotch and thighs, it must be the fruit of knowledge from the Bible and that therefore the Seychelles must be the Garden of Eden.
I am going to be extremely nitpicky and say that I don’t think the fruit in the very top picture could be a grapefruit – as far as I remember, pink grapefruits are a 20th-century invention. Maybe some kind of orange?
(Or maybe I’m remembering this wrong, but I do have a recollection of reading about pink grapefruits being first introduced in one of the World Fairs. I’ll look it up later, feeling a bit too tired and lazy right now.)
Ohhhh it’s a photoshop. Sorry, didn’t realise that. I should go to sleep.
And the entire snake looks like a penis, so are penises supposed to symbolize gullibility or something?
That last one is unforgivable, Mr Futrelle. Seriously considering cancelling my monthly donation.
(jk, just in case it wasn’t obvious – but only about the donation)
The correct term is vagina.
Well, it’s not actually hard to get the full vulva open mouth treatment from a snake.
Just find one that hasn’t been exposed to this stupidity and explain it to them. You may develop a reputation as a complete idiot in ophidian circles too, however.
I like the tree.
High Five, Buttercup Q. Skullpants!
Ummmm, “it was a snake that caused woman to deceive man in the beginning”?????????
What woman deceived what man exactly?
Also of note: God never, ever, ever told Eve not to eat from that tree of knowledge. He only told Adam. Adam didn’t have to eat that fruit. He had the choice to listen to GOD or to EVE. So why are we still bitching that the fall of alllll humanity is the fault of women when in fact it was ADAM who did the bad thing?
http://topfamousquotes.com/quotes/it-was-with-a-good-end-in-mind-%E2%80%93-that-392361/
@ CarrieV
Ooh, imagine how differently it could all have gone if Eve just kept the fruit to herself and built human civilisation inside the paradise. Sexy-simple-sweet is not my favoured type, but the world, I mean, paradise, would be so much better if that was the male role model passed on to sons of Adam.
Because Paul, unfortunately. 1 Timothy 2:13-14.
@kupo
The master linguist who pointed this out to us waaay back in february is still working on the matter. I thought I’d go back and remind myself of the event, and following the google docs link from his tweeter brought me to the goddamn Sept. 14, 2019 version.
I don’t think I never really appreciated the confidence of a mediocre white man until now.
Ha, reminds me of a Buddy Hackett joke
https://youtu.be/HWM8CR5WNP8
@Pie
That’s dedication, for sure. Does he not have better things to do? I don’t feel like reading through his many pages of mansplaining, so I’m not going to read it, it in a way I’m a bit impressed he’s put this much effort into this thing. Most trolls are not this dedicated.
I’m pretty sure the Georgia O’Keefe painting is 100% intentional…
@Pie
Now that’s just beyond pathetic. Dude cannot accept he was wrong about something.
@kupo
Haha! I nearly spit out my tea when I read this.
It’s clearly snakes, all the way down.
Fruit = snakes
Toast = snakes
Peanut butter = snakes
G O’K Paintings = snakes
Hair = snakes
Trees = snakes
Donald Trump = snakes
Vulvas = snakes
They all clearly exist to make fools of men. Men are clearly the center of the universe.
@ Kupo – V. Nice!
Is the header image by Lucas Cranach the Elder? It kind of looks like his work but it doesn’t match any of the Adam & Eve pictures by him than an image search turns up.
Eve clearly overjoyed at being snakesplained:
“And on the eighth day, Adam invented the blockchain”:
http://lucascranach.org/thumbnails/DE_smbGG_566_FR198C/06_Detail/DE_smbGG_566_FR198C_2010-01_Detail-003.jpg
Satan tries negging:
http://blogs.smartrules.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/eve-crop-e1534894257866.jpg
Adam always looks not the sharpest tool in the shed in any of Cranach’s paintings:
(Morty voice) “G-Gee, I don’t know,
RickEve, he did seem pretty clear on the whole not eating of the tree thing…”Ooh, look at this one: it’s got hermaphrodite naga-Satan and even the unhappy pair getting chased out by a really pissed looking sword wielding angel!
http://wp.production.patheos.com/blogs/jesuscreed/files/2015/06/From-Lucas_Cranach_the_Elder-The_Garden_of_Eden.jpg
“G’wan, be off with yourselves! and if I see you around here again, someone’s getting smote!” 😂
Other stuff old Lucas liked to paint:
1) Old dudes with young wives:
Look! The gold-digging hussy is picking the old lad’s pocket! Disgraceful!
(He also did a couple of renditions of “Lot and his Daughters” too, because of course he did)
2) Any number of Judith and Holofernes/ Salome and St. John the Baptist pictures:
“Last time you say anything about my hat, dickwad”
3) Cross-dressing Heracles:
Crafty ol’ Lucas, passing off his femdom and cross-dressing kinks on his patrons, who think they’re getting a stern moralising image on the sinful nature of humankind… or they were there for the femdom & cross-dressing too 😂
I cannot get over the peanut butter.
That peanut butter is amazing.
@Crip Dyke:
It reminded me of something your fellow blogger over at FtB, Marcus Ranum aka stderr, used to have on his old site: handmade soaps that were very anatomically accurate (his old site used frames so I can’t give a direct link but here is the Wayback Machine link to his old home page. The link is under “More Weird Projects”. Definitely heed the NSFW warning 😉)
@Cat Mara
I can only ask; how did he get soap molds shaped like the genitals of porn stars? Did he make them himself, or can you buy such things?
@Naglfar: I have no idea, though IIRC some porn stars have brought out sex toys moulded after their genitals; I guess he could have used one of them to make a mould for the soap. Or maybe he took impressions from women friends or models who didn’t want their real names used, so he substituted the names of well-known porn stars…
It’s not a grapefruit at all. Grapefruit’s are crossed pomelos and sweet oranges and didn’t exist in the 17th and 18th centuries.
That appears to be a peeled blood orange, which originated in Italy as “Tarocco” in the renaissance period.
Love the various Lucas paintings; I like that he obviously used the same female model for, like, all his paintings.
On the grapefruit controversy: it IS a grapefruit, and I know this for a fact not because I’m a botanical history revisionist but because I photoshopped the vagina-looking grapefruit I used later in the post into the original painting over the original apple. You can see a teensy bit of the apple sticking out on the left near her fingers.
@Cat Mara:
I looked at the 1st Eve & the snake picture you posted and thought “Eve looks like she’s thinking ‘Bitch, please, I will lob this indiscriminate piece of fruit at your head’.”
Would love to have read that in Genesis.