By David Futrelle
If you’ve ever wondered what the “precious bodily fluids”-obsessed General Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove would sound like if he were, like, really into crystals and auras and shit, well, he might sound a bit like this dude I found in the Semen Retention subreddit today, warning his fellow semen-retainers of the alleged spiritual war being waged against their good vibrations.
Using the weapons of “pornography, lustful music [and] vulgur [sic] clothing,” nis1997 proclaimed in his epic rant, the forces of evil have been feminizing men and “push[ing them] down into a lower vibrational version of themselves for years.” The only defense against this dastardly campaign? Men, stop wanking!
I know that’s the message of, you know, every single rant on the Semen Retention subreddit — which promotes a sort of harder-core version of NoFap. But this guy brings some real razzamatazz to his task. Let’s hear him out,
As a card-carrying agent of the Forces of Evil, all I know is that this talk of “lustful music” has made me want to assemble a sexy little playlist. So here are some videos of some exceptionally horny songs.
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@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
I’ve long wondered why children can’t just listen to regular music. Why must parents play the same children’s songs when they could just play normal music for their children? I’m guessing it’s a cash grab by the record labels, but I’m not sure.
The one children’s music thing I like is the parody band Defiance of Anthropomorphic Sea Mammals from this episode of Portlandia, season 3 episode 5.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKoCb5JqznA
Sorry about the low quality, this was the only rip of it on YouTube that I could find. The whole episode is on Netflix, though.
Cat Mara,
That is some next level sealioning. How much you wanna bet that the guy is fan of Ben “debate me” Shapiro?
@ Buttercup
A significant percentage of those are actually 1, they just teach lessons no longer relevant. And to be fair, plenty of songs aimed at adults are also utter nonsense: I defy anyone to find coherence in I am the Walrus, there’s been hit songs called Do do do da da da, Iko Iko, and Doo wah Diddy, and scatting is only one of several subgenres of semi-improvised gibberish singing.
@WWTH
The article says he is ostensibly a leftist. I’m betting Aimee Therese and skidmarxism are more his style.
@Cat Mara
Offa Rex (which the Decemberists plus folk singer Olivia Chaney) does a quite good version
https://youtu.be/AAVKy9WUzeU
My first pick for “lustful music:”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO-KM25tEDA
“So keep me in your bed all day…”
@Buttercup:
This is so genius:
Although I might have said “losing a quantum of testosterone” or “absorbing a quantum of soy”, the basic metaphor is so fundamentally fantabulous that I’m dancing with delight anyway.
@Crip Dyke
Next time I eat anything with soy I will have to say that I am “absorbing a quantum of soy.” I don’t eat tofu too frequently, but maybe I should have some soon just to use the metaphor.
Not entirely sure where the alt-right obsession with soy comes from, but if I had to guess I’d say it’s probably a combination of toxic masculine connections to meat and a misunderstanding of what phytoestrogen means.
You would be 100% correct.
@Crip Dyke – why, thank you! Your version is much better, and elegantly supports the theory of conservation of soy and testosterone.
Nofappers, of course, absorb quanta of scrotal woo, and emit toxic bullshit.
@Buttercup:
Also known as beta radiation.
Well there is one simple way to avoid having nocturnal emissions and even much of the urge to have a wank under most circumstances. Get a lot older.
Trust me on this.
@Moggie: <groan>
@Kevin: I can think of a shortcut, but I guarantee those nofappers wouldn’t like it.
@ Surplus
It would probably do them a favour though. I understand stats indicate that eunuchs usually lived longer than men who hadn’t undergone that groinal trim.
@Buttercup Q. S.
Are you talking about those little packets of soy sauce that you get with sushi to go? Because I’ve seen that too. The worst part is that the packets can’t be recycled.
Buttercup Q. Skullpants says:
This is such a thorn in my side. As a teacher, I’d be all for the sneaky teaching ones, but they’re often just a little too far off of the curriculum I have to teach. And since I’m already crunched for time, I can’t spare any for songs that aren’t right on the mark.
The nonsense ones, though fun, often have very complex, non-standard or antiquated grammar. And/or the topics are 100 years out of date. This makes them fucking awful for teaching English as a foreign language to beginners, especially since kids like knowing what they’re singing. (Row Row Row Your Boat was a huge hit once I explained the lyrics.)
So I use karaoke versions of familiar kids songs and make up my own lyrics a lot. The upside is that the songs are sensible, completely relevant and (relatively) easily learned. Sometimes they’re even amusing. The downside is that I am horrible at singing, so the students have to suffer through my awful attempts to demonstrate the lyrics.
Daniel Craig stars in Quantum of Soy, a bold new direction for the Bond franchise.
@Dalillama:
My understanding is that this was deliberate. That song was written at the height of the conspiracy theory that Paul McCartney was actually dead and replaced by a look-a-like, and people were scouring Beatles songs for clues to prove this. It was written deliberately as ‘let’s see them find any actual meaning in this one’.
@A. Noyd, others:
One member of a choir I used to belong to had discovered that the old madrigal “Your shining eyes and golden hair, your lily-rosed lips so fair” scanned perfectly to “I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I Am”, and used to get kindergartners to sing that for music lessons.
As for 100 years out of date… I note that these days, aside from ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat’, every one of the parody poems written by Lewis Carroll for Alice in Wonderland is now better known than the original it was parodying, because most of the original children’s poems were pretentious Victorian moralizing that was tired and boring at the time.
Zevon is a mixed bag, for sure. But when he goes dark and quirky, it just works. Mr. Bad Example anyone?
@Jenora Feuer
I originally mistook that for a line from Jolene, but it sort of scans to that too.
RE: Children’s music – Important news I learned today and now must share…
October 8th is Skinnamarink day!!! (link to a CBC article on skinnamarink and turning it into a book, where I learned this Important Day.)
From the article:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHfe2bmWaFo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPdV8jXAjUQ
(we’ll see if those embed)
Sometimes children’s music is what it is because lyrics need to be easy for kids to remember so they can enjoy singing. And kids love gross things, silly things, and nonsense things, so that might explain a lot of the songs.
Speaking of children’s music though… I WISH I could remember WHICH GROUP it was who, in the 90s in western Canada, was all about dinosaurs. I can’t tell you how much I loved dinosaurs, and I loved this tape, but my parents seem to have lost it!
I can remember one of their songs that was like… A guided storytelling thing where they introduced dinosaurs (“Let’s go back, back back back” or something like that) and another one where the chorus was different names of dinosaurs.
I can remember (trying to emulate how they were sung) “pah-chy-cephalo-SAU-rus” and “triii-cera-tops.”
I’ve tried googling, but it seems like this is forever going to be lost to the sands of time and my fuzzy memory. Ah well!
Here’s a tune to get in the mood:
Sorry, to necro the thread, but @Rhuu could you be thinking about They Might be Giants? They did an album called “I Love Science ” which has a song about paleontology on it.
My family (kids included) and I like them a lot
@Skye – Thank you for you effort! But no, it was definitely a children’s group. My parents probably would have enjoyed going to a They Might Be Giants concert a lot more than the kids ones they took us to!
(They are stars, I should thank them for doing that when I speak to them next.)
I remembered a little more about it, though! There was one song where they said the word ‘dinosaur’ four times, with four different inflections, with a space left for the kids to echo it back. IIRC, the first time was just ‘dinosaur’, the second time was ‘dinosaur?’ the third time was “(scared) dinosaur”, and the last time was (aggressive) DINOSAUR!!!!”
This song, at least, I remember a female voice singing.
I think they had us do hand gestures at the concert… I remember that vaguely.
related:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXD7YOoHpAs
I need to listen to more of their albums, I love this one. 😀
@Rhuu, ah, I see. I’m sorry I couldn’t help. It does sound like a fun kids song. ?
Yes, that album and Flood too. ?