By David Futrelle
If you’ve ever wondered what the “precious bodily fluids”-obsessed General Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove would sound like if he were, like, really into crystals and auras and shit, well, he might sound a bit like this dude I found in the Semen Retention subreddit today, warning his fellow semen-retainers of the alleged spiritual war being waged against their good vibrations.
Using the weapons of “pornography, lustful music [and] vulgur [sic] clothing,” nis1997 proclaimed in his epic rant, the forces of evil have been feminizing men and “push[ing them] down into a lower vibrational version of themselves for years.” The only defense against this dastardly campaign? Men, stop wanking!
I know that’s the message of, you know, every single rant on the Semen Retention subreddit — which promotes a sort of harder-core version of NoFap. But this guy brings some real razzamatazz to his task. Let’s hear him out,
As a card-carrying agent of the Forces of Evil, all I know is that this talk of “lustful music” has made me want to assemble a sexy little playlist. So here are some videos of some exceptionally horny songs.
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Real men can phase right through walls, like the Flash.
@WWTH:
For me, it’s Elephant Pao Pao, mainly because that’s like an introductory class in Japanese intonation.
I started reading the headline and saw the phrase, “vibrational state”. I said to myself, “I bet this is about semen retainers.” I was neither surprised nor disappointed.
I only listen to The Carpenters. The most sexless band ever. Yet I’m a massive horndog.
Whenever I think about vibration, I associate it with sex, not lack thereof.
Maybe semen retainers could get together with incels (like Samurai Gandhi from the other thread). If incels buy into semen retention, maybe they’d be a bit less awful and less likely to go on killing sprees because they’d be happy about their not having sex.
Actually, nevermind. They’d probably just be awful in a slightly different way.
@Dalillama
With the kinds of music I listen to (mostly extreme metal), there are also a lot of songs about death and about evil. Not very many about work or drugs though. And not too many about sex, though there are a few I can think of.
@Varalys
IIRC The Carpenters were siblings, so I would think it’s a good thing that they weren’t writing sexy music. Death metal isn’t very sexy music either. My last partner really didn’t like it, which I think could have had something to do with why the relationship fell apart. I can’t stand show tunes and she couldn’t stand death metal, so it probably is for the best that we ended the relationship.
Uh… what the heck do you think that the “warriors” were doing with themselves when they weren’t on campaign?
Napoleon infamously had several mistresses. Criminey, everyone in the military did and if David Petraeus is any indication, still do.
Vulgar clothing has absolutely no meaning with these dudes. In the winter, my wardrobe has become a lot of gothic Loitia stuff and there are still a lot of guys that decided they want to tell me how sexual they find that clothing. A type of style that is suppose to be not sexual in anyway. most of the time your neckline is up to your neck and only your face and hands are visible. I wear it because there is like 4 layers of the damn outfit and it keeps me warm. Bottom line is guys like these will want to wank to any and everything a woman could possibly do.
Around 1978 I discovered Warren Zevon and instantly connected with his quirky lyrics and imperfect baritone voice. He wrote a lot of songs that weren’t about romance and quite a few that were historical. Off the top of my head:
A song about a Norwegian mercenary in the Congo during the Congo Crisis who gets his head blown off and seeks supernatural revenge as “Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner”.
A song about Frank and Jesse James; “Frank And Jesse James”.
A song about how his parents met; “Mama Couldn’t be Persuaded”.
A song about rehab; “Sentimental Hygiene”.
The only song he’s really known for: “Werewolves of London”
But one of my favorites is “Gorilla You’re A Desperado” which is about a gorilla at the L.A. Zoo who switches roles with a zoo patron and gets caught up in the 80’s L.A. rat race. It has a calypso beat and the Eagles as backup singers!
@Lainy, I’ve never understood why it’s called “gothic Lolita” fashion. Creepy as fuck name, and doesn’t seem to match the clothes at all. Anyway, have you seen the movie Kamikaze Girls? You might enjoy it. Lots of fashion, and the writer is a major designer of Lolita clothes. Very funny and heart-warming film.
@Lainy:
Maybe we need a wardrobe version of Rule 34: no matter what you wear, somebody will find it pornographic.
@Hambeast:
From Zevon, I kind of like ‘Monkey Wash, Donkey Rinse’.
Then again, the song of his that’s really most appropriate for discussion on this site is ‘Excitable Boy’… which is all about excusing things with ‘boys will be boys’ while the boy learns that he can get away with anything.
@dashapants
A lotta those fall under religion, but fair.
@Naglfar
File under violence and religion
@Hambeast
Zevon’s songs are chock full of drugs and violence, though.
@Grumpy
*sings a chorus of Blackleg Miner*
https://youtu.be/6DcRrFbRhDY
For your consideration “Cosmetics”
@Grumpy, @Dalillama: ha, I love both songs!
Have you heard Richard Thompson’s version of “Blackleg Miner” he did as part of his “1000 Years of Popular Music” (which also included a folk rendition of Britney Spears’ “Oops, I Did It Again”! ?)?
https://youtu.be/FUpYgwvcek8
O/T: This is bullshit: AOC was taken to court by some dipshit for blocking him on Twitter:
Really?
“… and I told him it was NOT the perfect Country-and-Western song, because he hadn’t said anything at all about Mama… or trains… or trucks… or prison… or gettin’ drunk….”
@Cat Mara
This sounds a lot like how during GamerGate harassers got upset about Anita Sarkeesian closing the comments and demanded that she respond to them.
How many times must we tell conservatives?
The first amendment means the government can’t arrest you for saying something. It does NOT mean that others have to accommodate you, listen to you, debate you, or provide you a platform to say it.
XKCD says it best:
OT: The BBC just went in and studied PUAS.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/extra/tmZeuc7TX0/the-seduction-game
As for lustful music, Nick Cave’s “Babe, You Turn Me On” may not be the most arousing track, but it is very sweet in its unabashed admission of physical love.
Just on the topic of lustful music, probably the one that I’ve always loved for not only its overall construction, but its direct request of consent was Roxette’s “Do You Wanna Go The Whole Way?”
I mean, the song’s title is literally asking the partner if they consent. And you really can’t get much sexier than Marie Fredriksson’s voice.
@Rabid Rabbit
Part of that investigation uncovered a regular practice of recording women without their consent, up to and possibly including during sex. As a result, legal action might be taken against the PUA “teachers” responsible.
@Dalillama:
There’s also the huge category of songs about songs and/or the music industry.
It’s kinda natural, when you think about it. People who make music are inevitably going to want to write about their personal experiences… which include an awful lot related to making music.
Rock & Roll is particularly self-referential, but even old tunes of which we have the only barest of records show that singing about the music of Orpheus, Dionysius, and/or Pan was a real thing.
As modern examples, there are several good ones:
Next Big Thing
Long Way to the Top
and, of course,
the one you should be able to name without my help.
Aooow!
Of course this thread also deserves another iteration of the Old-As-Mammoths joke we love here:
@Cat Mara
Unfortunately I can’t listen to Richard Thompson any more, too many memories attached.
Sexy: Nascente (Milton Nascimento) (the voice of the patron angel of sex, though sadly I gather he has been losing his voice lately).
Music business (and sexuality): Radio-Friendly Pop Song by Matt Fishel (lots of very singable and all completely mashup-able songs taking the piss out of heteronormativity).
One question I have about the semen retainers is this: what do they do about nocturnal ejaculation? It seems like this would be hard to prevent. Do they just get really sad about how it ended their streak?
Also, don’t they at some point realize that the only effect they’re getting from semen retention is that they’re hornier? Or is there some sort of placebo effect at play where they think it’s making them smarter or whatever they think it’s doing?
“Free Man In Paris” is my favorite song about the music biz.
Meanwhile, children’s songs seem to fall into two categories:
1. I’m going to sneakily teach you about colors/numbers/days of the week.
2. Utter nonsense.
I see this all the time. Men emitting quantum packets of soy as they fall down into their lower orbital shells.