By David Futrelle
If you’ve ever wondered what the “precious bodily fluids”-obsessed General Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove would sound like if he were, like, really into crystals and auras and shit, well, he might sound a bit like this dude I found in the Semen Retention subreddit today, warning his fellow semen-retainers of the alleged spiritual war being waged against their good vibrations.
Using the weapons of “pornography, lustful music [and] vulgur [sic] clothing,” nis1997 proclaimed in his epic rant, the forces of evil have been feminizing men and “push[ing them] down into a lower vibrational version of themselves for years.” The only defense against this dastardly campaign? Men, stop wanking!
I know that’s the message of, you know, every single rant on the Semen Retention subreddit — which promotes a sort of harder-core version of NoFap. But this guy brings some real razzamatazz to his task. Let’s hear him out,
As a card-carrying agent of the Forces of Evil, all I know is that this talk of “lustful music” has made me want to assemble a sexy little playlist. So here are some videos of some exceptionally horny songs.
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“They come for drugs, dirty dancing, and pounding pounding techno music…”
This isn’t the first time NoFappers have gotten obsessed with vibration. This one seemed to have similar interest in vibrating.
If you find yourself vibrating, for whatever reason, you should probably see a doctor. People aren’t supposed to vibrate on their own.
To add to the lustful songs:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFCZDNwomRA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz1ca1-_-MY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIMDpqQYMFE
(though I think that last one is supposed to be criticizing the amount of sex in our culture). I was listening to a lot of System of a Down earlier, and plenty of their songs are rather lustful.
And a somewhat different kind of lust but a fantastic song (especially for releasing anger):
Wait, “lower vibration” when you get interested in sexy things?
I’m honestly wondering if nobody ever explained puberty to him and he panicked when his voice dropped.
I offer a humble contribution to the lustful music.
https://youtu.be/VMnjF1O4eH0
For what it’s worth, a lot of people consider self-love an activity on par with taking a shower. Clean, necessary fun. Just saying.
Just because I think no-fappers would hate it.
Nah because I love it:
https://youtu.be/HtJS32n6LNQ
I’m on the fence over whether I should post some hair metal songs. On the one hand, those songs are definitely lustful, but it seems almost all of them are extremely misogynistic.
I tried to think of some non-misogynistic hair metal, but am drawing a blank. Not sure if there is any, as I’m not really into hair metal (I prefer death metal and black metal), but if anyone knows any please post.
EDIT: Forgot about this:
RIP Jill Janus
It would get the manosphere dudes angry because in addition to it obviously being sexual, if memory serves me right Jill Janus was bisexual and these people do not like bi women.
I would add “La ballade de l’obsédé” from the french artist Gotainer …
While it’s a fan edit over a wow video, that version have english subtitle, which probably will help quite a lot of people here :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScMkSsoaNbw
(I hope so. I can’t look at more than the preview image because Youtube is a steaming pile of shit. It do have the same preview image than the video I seek)
(and the translation isn’t quite up to speed with how insane the original version is)
Durned kids with their hippity-hoppity boom-boom music!
For lustful music I find it’s hard to go wrong with Meg Myers.
And to think that I used to take my own orgasms in hand so that I wouldn’t end up with some shitty dude just to get off.
Do these bozos even IRONY?
I feel I should point out that there’s literally 5 song subjects in history. They are: sex, drugs, violence, doing crimes, and religion. ~98% of all songs ever written are about one or more of those things.
Unlurking just to wonder if “no fapping” is some kind of weird corollary to purity culture?
@Naglfar, @impudentinfidel – I thought of something different when I saw the word “vibrations.” Must be the bad influence of all the lustful music! Though I’m more Gluttony, myself. 😉
@Dalillama – I’m not sure whether the % was tongue in cheek but that seems plausible!! Plus, put together everything romance-related – whether it focuses on love, sex, break-ups, whatever – and I’m sure you have a huge chunk of all songs ever.
What about this old song? “Working in a coal mine, going down down down…” … unless “coal mine” is a euphemism for something else, that one doesn’t seem to fall into any of those categories.
Three-word suggestion: Hitachi. Magic. Wand.
@Surplus
Songs about work are the other 2%
Like that great classic, “Take This Job and Shove It.”
Yes, I AM that old.
@Dalillama
You forgot songs about loss. There’s a goodly number of grief dirges out there jerking tears out of audiences.
Like when your dawg has died, and your tractor stopped workin’, and your first wife she done kicked the bucket and your fish they is kaput.
For the list of lustful music, I humbly present Jonathan Coulton’s “First of May.”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=v-ohxxZBBFA&autoplay=1
@Dalillama, I feel like you’re overlooking Shonen Knife’s entire oeuvre.
[Insert joke about vibrators here]
Also, I’m sure that “vulgur” is a typo, and he actually meant “bulgur”. All these people walking around covered in cracked wheat, it’s just immoral (let alone problematic for celiacs).
Also also, some of my favourite bands sing about science and science fiction and monsters.
@Dalillama @Naglfar
You guys should check out Acrassicauda and Skindred, I find the less problematic of the metal bands. The former’s songs in their first album does talk about war though.
@Dalillama:
And also cars, though that may come under the heading of “sex.”
OT: you may or may not be familiar with the emerging story about Boris Johnson’s dodgy relationship with a businesswoman, Jennifer Arcuri. I haven’t taken much notice, myself: alongside all the other fuckery we’re going through, it seemed rather minor. But this caught my eye today: Milo is involved:
Maybe this story will turn out to be more interesting than I first thought.
I haven’t listened to Shonen Knife in a few years. Now I want to again.
For some reason ESP is the one that decided to get stuck in my head.